by LJ Maas
"Lord Conqueror," he said as I passed by him, walking up to Atrius.
I ignored the boy and I could already see his inexperience showing. He grew angry and a childish temper is something you simply can't afford on the battlefield. I exchanged a few words with Atrius and he reacquainted me with a young officer by the name of Garamon. The lieutenant was the first to take a shift as Gabrielle's personal guard, and I instantly liked the boy. I realized who he was once I saw his face.
"I see it healed up nicely." I pointed to his chin where a scar ran across his dark skin.
"I'm surprised you remembered doing that to me, Lord Conqueror, especially after the pathetic attempt I made that day."
I gave a wry smile at the soldier's genuine humility. "I never forget a scar, or anyone who fights against me well enough to earn one and walk away." I was remembering that day on the training field just a short time ago. Atrius and I flexed our aging muscles against the newest cadets and the young man that fought the hardest turned out to receive Atrius's highest recommendation.
I was quite proud of Gabrielle. As worried as she was, she was playing her part well. We all agreed that even though Solan was probably quite capable of using the weapon he carried, I would be the victor today. I explained to my lover that psychology was an enormous part of battle. To humiliate Solan, we would have to act as if this were all just a stroll through the woods. Gabrielle was doing very well at affecting a casual air of indifference to the proceedings, as was Atrius. I was used to it, and it gave my naturally overconfident nature a chance to come out.
"If you're ready Conqueror?" Solan said impatiently, indicating the training field with a sweep of his arm.
Atrius stood next to me with his arms folded against his chest. "What, in a hurry to meet Hades, young pup?"
That remark earned the Captain a glare from the young man, but I had to laugh. "I've met him," I said turning to face Solan. "Trust me, he's not much on conversation."
We all had a good laugh, all of us except Solan, who was getting more frustrated by the heartbeat.
We were all acting out our roles, even though Gabrielle said she didn't think she could actually watch the fight and not show any emotion. We agreed that she would leave before the fight actually began. Of course, she said she would leave with a great deal of style and dignity, whatever that meant. I was soon to find out.
"I'll leave you to your play then," Gabrielle said. She walked up to me a squeezed my hand a little tighter than usual, but the expression on her face remained carefree.
"Where are you off to, while I'm having fun?" I teased right back.
"I'm off to have a bath, and then a fitting for new dresses. Will you be long?"
Gabrielle asked this last after she had walked back up the first two stairs that led from the courtyard. She turned toward us, as if nonchalantly awaiting my answer, and it struck me. For the first time, I was seeing one of the reasons why Gabrielle stayed alive so long as a slave. She even had me believing in her lack of concern regarding the upcoming challenge.
"Will I be long?" I answered, reiterating her question. I turned my head toward Solan and looked him up and down. "I hardly think so. I'll join you in that bath." I grinned.
"Very well," Gabrielle answered, climbing the stairs once more. "Try not to get so much blood on your trousers this time."
"I don't see why you should complain. It's not like it was my blood."
"But, Sylla had a fiendish time trying to remove it." Gabrielle quipped. She stopped one last time and looked at Solan dead on. "It was very nice knowing you, Solan."
She didn't wait for an answer before she turned and left, and it was all I could do not to laugh at the expression on his face. Now, the playing was over. It was time for the fighting to begin.
"Are you ready, young pup?" I asked.
Solan appeared to be taking a true hatred of the nickname that Atrius and I had grown quite fond of using.
"I'll try to take it easy on you, Conqueror. After all, I've heard tell that you've grown soft."
We walked to the training field, a squared off arena set up for sparring use. I didn't stop walking, but turned to him. "You better pray to whatever Gods an insolent boy such as you prays to. I'll show you how soft I've become."
"I should warn you Conqueror, I learned my swordplay from Kaleipus, the greatest warrior centaur in Greece."
I stopped and laughed heartily this time. I simply couldn't resist. I gave him my best feral smile and leaned in close. "I was trained by Ares, the God of War." I continued walking on to the field, but Atrius told me later that I missed the most priceless of expressions on the boy's stunned face.
* * *
The sound of metal against metal is still like so much music to my ears. The love of a good fight must be in the blood. The boy was good; I'll have to give Kaleipus his due. His inexperience showed, however, and had I been less forgiving, or a good deal angrier, he could have been dead a few times over. His downfall was his inexperience, but what kept him in the fray was his youth. I was in good shape. It would be some time before I actually tired, but my muscles certainly felt the difference between a practice spar, and the heavy hitting they were doing now.
I knocked Solan to the ground for the second time, and good naturedly allowed him to regain his feet. Perhaps I should not have chuckled, or added that little sneer as I waited for him to rise. His face was flush with anger and embarrassment and he lashed out as a child would, with words meant to cripple and hurt. I didn't answer any of his little attempts to bait me until our blades met and we came face to face. Each of us had both hands on the hilts of our swords, using nothing but the strength in our arms to push against one another.
"I met Gabrielle, before, you know."
I ignored him and hoped he wasn't about to say what I thought he was. I feigned indifference.
He grinned, sweat trickling down the side of his face, dirt smeared across one cheek. "She was a slave to a rich privateer that I met in Thrace. He brought her on deck for the crew's enjoyment. I fucked her till she bled."
He whispered that last, and the boy never even realized what he'd done with those malicious words. Whether they were truth or falsehood, it mattered not. It only took one quick exhale and the beast was free.
I brought my knee up hard into his unprotected groin and heard the breath as it strangled in his throat. His muscles instantly relaxed and I pulled my blade from his, bringing my hilt down hard on the top of his sword hand. He cried out and I heard the bones break. I believe the beast that now controlled me laughed aloud at the sound.
I threw the point of my blade into the soft dirt at our feet, and hit his midsection, to the right and to the left. He must have tried to defend himself because I felt something hit me in the jaw. I tasted blood in my mouth and swiped my hand across my lips. The sight and the taste caused the monster inside to nearly howl in delight. I spit the blood back at him, advancing as he backed away. I believe I might have heard my name called, but it was too late now. Xena didn't exist. She was only a shell for a madness that lived only for blood lust.
I drew back and put all I had into one punch to his jaw. The force lifted him from his feet and once again, there was the satisfying crunch of breaking bones. The beast pounced on the fallen boy, holding him by his collar with one hand, while the other smashed into his face. The feel of warm blood on my hands only pushed me further. The beast raged and screamed out one word.
Death.
I jumped to my feet, still straddling the boy. I reached out for my sword, it still quivering, impaled in the ground. As I twirled the blade in my hand, I heard a scream full of rage in my ears and wondered if it was my own voice or the beast inside that made the incensed sound. I could hear my name, it was as if in a dream. My movements slowed as my brain tried to make sense of my actions. I could always hear their voices outside of me, but this time there was no going back. The darkness had spread too far, taken far too much control to give it up now. I raised my sword as high
as my arms could reach, and then quickly brought the point of the blade down straight into the young man's face.
At the last heartbeat, my blade met with metal that slipped in front of my victim's face. The maneuver sent my sword veering into the ground next to his head. The razor sharp blade came so close, it sliced a gash across his cheek, but he was already too unconscious to care.
I heard my name again as I stood there, both hands still holding onto my sword. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest until it ached. Then, there was a scream. The woman's scream frightened the beast into submission. It cowered and curled in on itself until I was left standing there, exhausted and weak. Then the scream again, except it was closer this time. I turned toward the source of the sound just in time to see Gabrielle, wearing only her bathing robe, crumple to the ground near the low wall that ran around the training field.
I took one look at my bloody hands still holding my blade down into the ground, and Atrius beside me. We all seemed frozen in place. Atrius had his sword buried in the dirt under mine, his quick action sparing Solan's life. I looked down at the bloody mess that I'd made of my son and moved away from him toward Gabrielle.
"Call the healer." I rasped and Atrius nodded, relief flooding his features.
I knelt beside Gabrielle and someone shoved a rag before me. I wiped my hands of their red stickiness and scooped the small blonde into my arms. I looked up again, just as Kuros, my healer, and two of his apprentices ran out to the field. I silently prayed to Athena as I cradled Gabrielle against me. I asked the Goddess to spare my son's life, unsure as to what extent I had injured the boy.
As I watched Kuros, who nodded his head that the boy was alive, I looked on the sight that met Gabrielle as she came across the field. It did indeed look like her vision. From this angle, my sword looked as though it were imbedded in Solan's head, while it was really fixed in the ground beside him. The oddness of fate struck me just then. I had to wonder, was this Gabrielle's vision, her unable to see the whole picture from her angle, or was I indeed fated to kill my own son before Atrius stepped in and changed the course of events.
Gabrielle stirred and I touched her cheek, attempting to rouse her further. One of the maids who had apparently rushed outside with Gabrielle handed me a cup of water.
"Gabrielle?"
"Xena?" She opened confused eyes, then they widened with the knowledge of her vision. "Oh, Xena I--"
"No, little one, it's all right. Solan is still alive, but no thanks to me. He owes his continued mortality to Atrius and you this time."
By now, Kuros had already made his way inside with Solan's unconscious form on a stretcher.
"He's inside already. Kuros is seeing to him. Are you able to stand?"
She nodded and we slowly made our way inside, stopping first, on her insistence, at Solan's quarters. Kuros was washing his hands when we came into the bedchamber. The healer's assistants were cleaning and bandaging the boy up, but he still looked as though he were lifeless.
"He has not regained consciousness, Lord Conqueror," Kuros said upon seeing us.
I wasn't sure what I felt, looking down on the boy who was my only child. Moments ago I wanted him dead, but now, he looked rather pitiful lying there all swollen and broken. I know I should have had more compassion in me for my son, but some anger at his words still lingered within me. I knew it would be a long time, if ever, before I was able to resolve this event in my head.
"The extent of his injuries?" I asked.
Kuros sighed and I knew that could not be good. "The good news is his wounds are all broken bones and contusions."
"That's good?" Gabrielle asked incredulously.
"Actually, my Lady, it is. Bones mend, bruises heal. The body is a very good curative machine when given the proper environment. Cuts, stab wounds, those take a chance at introducing infection into the body. The young Emissary will heal in good time. He has a number of broken ribs; his jaw, nose, and his left wrist are broken too. Everything else is simply bruised. I'm most worried about his right hand however. The bones in that have been broken, but at least two of the fingers appear crushed."
I know I winced visibly as Kuros went on with his list of Solan's injuries. This was what the beast could do in a matter of heartbeats. Gabrielle and I exchanged a look and she slipped a hand around my waist.
"I fear, as talented a healer as I consider myself, my abilities may not be enough to restore full motion to the young man's hand."
"I'm sure you'll do your best, Kuros, and I thank you." I said softly.
"Kuros, would you allow another healer to examine this broken hand?" Gabrielle asked.
"Of course, Lady. I have no pride in that arena. Do you have someone in mind?"
"If My Lord has no objections, I know a healer who has very knowledgeable ways in ancient healing arts. He came from the land of Chin, but I last heard that he now resides on the coast in Epidamnus. His name is Yu Pan."
"You know the healer, Yu Pan?" Kuros asked.
The startled look in Kuros's eyes caused me to wonder. Was this was the same healer who taught Gabrielle her inventive massage techniques?
"He and I served in the same household at one time," Gabrielle answered.
"His reputation is quite well known, My Lord," Kuros addressed my apparent concern. "If the Lady can persuade him to visit, I think the Emissary will be in excellent hands."
Gabrielle looked up at me as if for approval and I quickly nodded my head. "Of course. We will send a messenger out at once."
I broke away from the two of them to stand at the foot of Solan's bed. My hands on my hips, I watched tight-lipped as the young men wrapped Solan's wounds in clean bandages, and then bound the broken bones in rigid splints made of woven willow bark. I had meant to teach the young man a lesson, not take his life from him. I still wasn't sure what I should be feeling. I only know that I had an ache in my chest that had little to do with the exertion I had so recently displayed.
"Let us know if his condition changes at all, or if he asks for... anything." I said, turning away from the young man's bed.
"Of course, My Lord." Kuros said in an understanding tone.
* * *
Gabrielle casually tossed a towel over the small washtub of water where our bloodied clothes were soaking. I had been staring at the bloody water from my reclining position in the tub. I felt Gabrielle's fingers massaging the tightness from my neck and shoulders. Eventually, her fingers and the warm water worked their magic, and I relaxed as she washed my hair.
I sat beside the fireplace, on the very cushions that had been placed here only days ago by my lovely consort. Gabrielle rested up against me, slightly behind, working a comb through my dark hair. I stared into the flames, knowing that the small blonde behind me had been patiently waiting all these candlemarks for me to yet utter more than one word at a time.
I was in a better humor since the dinner meal when Kuros announced that Solan had indeed awakened. The young man did his best, even in pain, to be as insolent as possible to those around him. The healer laughed at our relieved smiles, saying he was sure the beating had taken no toll on the young man's psyche. Kuros assured us that he would make Solan's recovery as painless as possible, but much depended on the boy's desire to heal himself. I agreed. I'd come back from some debilitating injuries in the past, but not without a great deal of hard work.
After we received these encouraging words, Gabrielle set about writing a letter to her old friend Yu Pan. She explained to me of the kindness the old man showed her, and how she often hid in his workrooms, watching or assisting in the healer's medicinal arts. She sent a messenger on his way to Epidamnus, and asked that the healer journey to Corinth at the first possible chance. I hoped that the miraculous stories Gabrielle told me of this man's ability were not just those of a young girl's imagination. I had seen a great deal, however, during my life in Chin. I had seen healing take place that was nothing short of magical, and so I again prayed to Athena that the old healer
was still alive.
"Would you like to talk about it?" Gabrielle's voice brought me back to the present.
"No," I turned with a wry smile. "But that wouldn't be very fair to you." She continued to comb my hair, and I admit, the action was as soothing as a massage. "What in the world were you doing down there anyway, and in your dressing gown?" I asked.
"I was determined to trust in you," she answered. "I did enter the bath, and I believe I dozed off. I slept about as well as you did last night."
She paused then. It was nerves and worry, but I spent a good portion of the night tossing about, unable to get comfortable. Gabrielle was so still that I never realized she suffered from the same malady.
"I know I fell asleep because I saw the vision again. It seemed so clear, Xena, and it frightened me so. Just before you put your sword into him, Solan looked... well, he looked as if he'd tricked you in some way, almost triumphant. I had to warn you, but when I drew near, I thought I was seeing it all again. It was a little overwhelming. I don't usually make a habit of fainting."
"From your vantage point, it did indeed look as though my blade had entered the boy's skull," I mused thoughtfully. "Solan would be dead right now if it hadn't been for Atrius. I would have killed my own son, and I would have barely remembered how it happened."
"The darkness?" she asked.
I nodded, amazed that Gabrielle had a way of making this horrible monster sound so slight, so as to merely be thought of as a minor character flaw.
"Monster, you mean."
"Xena, you make it sound as if a beast lives within you."
"And so it does, Gabrielle. It thrives on the hateful, evil side of my nature. When it sees an opportunity to strike, it does so. To stop it after a certain point would be like trying to wrest a hound from its prey."
"If it truly is the beast you say it is, Xena, then it can be treated like any other living thing. If it's a creature as you say, then it may be tamed, controlled, or even killed." Gabrielle stated logically.
