by Kate L. Mary
He nodded as he took my hand. “I’m okay. Tired, but nothing like before.”
“Good,” I said.
Darkness was closing in, so I pulled him through the house, heading for the stairs. The room I’d occupied the night before was small, but the bed was big enough for two and I felt almost like it was calling out to us.
I’d just started to ascend the stairs when Helen grabbed my forearm, her bony fingers surprisingly strong and her expression sharp. “What are you doing?”
Heat flamed across my cheeks before I could stop it. Donaghy was at my side, his feet at the bottom of the stairs that would lead us to privacy, and I had no doubt that Helen had guessed what was about to happen.
Before I could answer, her fingers tightened on my arm. “You know you can’t, right?”
The heat that had warmed my cheeks turned to ice and seemed to melt down my body. “What?”
I knew what she was saying, but it hadn’t occurred to me until now. It was a part of the infection I’d never considered: that the virus could be spread through sexual contact.
“The chance of transmitting it that way is slim, but it’s still there.” Helen’s gaze moved to Donaghy. “Don’t even kiss her. Don’t risk it.”
Her fingers were still digging into my arm, but I didn’t even feel it anymore. I was too focused on Donaghy and the regret moving through me. We wouldn’t even be able to have a real goodbye. Even if I was willing to risk it, which I wasn’t, I knew he wouldn’t put me in danger like that.
“I won’t,” he said, affirming what I already knew.
His words freed my arm from Helen’s grip.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Me too,” Donaghy replied.
After that our trek up the stairs was somber. My legs felt heavy, but not as heavy as my heart. I shouldn’t have felt this way. Donaghy had been injected with the zombie virus and I knew, had always known, what that meant. I must have allowed his remission and our plans to recover the vaccine to blind me to what was really going on, but Helen’s warning had brought reality into sudden and horrifying focus.
We didn’t say a word until we’d reached the room and the door was shut. Even then I found it difficult to know what to say. He did too apparently, because he wrapped me in his arms without uttering a word.
I rested my face against his chest and closed my eyes, focusing on how strong he felt right now instead of what could happen to him. I didn’t want to think about how just a few hours ago he’d been burning with fever and writhing in agony. I didn’t want to acknowledge that it could happen again very soon.
“When this is over,” he finally said, his lips pressed against my head and his breath hot on my scalp. “I want to start a life. A real life.”
A real life. It seemed intangible right now with so many things that could still go wrong, so many pitfalls that could swallow us up if we didn’t do everything right. But I wanted to believe that we could make it happen, and that it would all play out the way we hoped it would. That we’d free Dad and Margot, that their time in the CDC, as well as my uncle’s, wouldn’t have damaged them too much. I wanted to be able to picture a future where we could be a family, where we could live in a zombie-free world. Happy. Hopeful. Free.
“I want that too,” I said, my eyes still closed and my mind grasping for a picture of the life I wanted, working hard to conjure it up even though it felt impossibly out of reach at the moment.
“I know we just met—” He loosened his arms so I could lift my head and look him in the eye. “—but there are some things in this world that you just know. And I know that I want you.”
I thought about Mom and Dad, and how they’d met. How fast they’d fallen in love. Donaghy was right. If it hadn’t been for my parents I might not have trusted these feelings, but I’d witnessed what real love was my whole life, and while I wasn’t ready to use that word, I knew that this man had the capacity to make it happen more than anyone else I’d ever known. Even more than Colton had.
“I want you too,” I told Donaghy.
He held my gaze, his eyes telling me that he wanted to kiss me more than he’d ever wanted anything. I knew he wouldn’t, but I found myself holding my breath anyway.
When he pressed his lips against my forehead, I closed my eyes and let the intimacy of the moment sweep over me. I’d never felt closer to a person than I did right now. Never felt like anyone held a part of me the way he did. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I loved it, loved being in his arms and being vulnerable to him, but it was also scary because I knew it could all come to an end very soon. I’d lost a boyfriend before, and I knew what it felt like to grieve for someone you’d thought was going to be a permanent fixture in your life. The thought of having to do that again, and with someone I felt such a strong connection with, nearly took my breath away.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
The thought of losing him had brought back all my fears about the virus and if we’d have time to get him a vaccine, so I opened my eyes and pressed my right hand against his forehead. His skin was cool against mine, but I didn’t trust myself, so I moved my hand down to his cheek.
“I’m fine,” he said, covering my hand with his. “I can feel the virus working through me still, but it’s less intense than it was.”
My heart skipped a beat. “You can feel it?”
He moved my hand so it was on his chest, his resting on top of mine. His heart thumped against my palm, and even though I was pretty sure he was doing it to calm me down, it had the opposite effect. I could almost picture the virus spreading through him with every beat of his heart, taking over his body more and more until it would very soon consume him, turning him into something grotesque.
“I’m okay right now,” he whispered.
I swallowed the tears that had lodged themselves in my throat. “Does it hurt?”
“Not right now.”
Which meant it had, and it would again very soon.
Fifteen
Donaghy
It crept up on me slowly, the ache that had faded away after the blood transfusion. It wasn’t as intense as it had been, but it was there, a burning in my bones, the sensation that my blood was heating up. Meg was asleep next me on the bed, her body pressed against mine. I wanted to reach out and stroke her head, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to wake her, so instead I just watched her sleep while I tried to decide what to do. If I told the others that the virus was winning, they might not let me go. Staying here meant I might not get the vaccine in time, but going could put them at risk. I could turn while we were out there and attack someone. Kill someone. I could destroy everything.
I needed to tell them.
I slipped out of bed quietly, leaving Meg to sleep. I’d fill her in on what was happening—people had kept enough secrets from her and I wasn’t about to jump on that bandwagon—but I wanted to talk to the others first. To Dragon and Helen mainly, because I knew them better than everyone else and I knew they’d be straight with me.
The hall was dark, but light shone up the stairs from the first floor, telling me that someone was up. Whoever it was, I hoped they’d know where everyone had settled in for the night. The last thing I wanted to do was tiptoe through a dark house looking for Dragon, but I would if I had to.
It turned out that I didn’t have to, though. He was up, along with Helen and a bunch of other people, including Meg’s mom. They were gathered in the kitchen talking and didn’t seem to notice me when I approached, too caught up in their conversation.
“So it’s been there all along?” Mom asked.
Helen nodded, a cigarette between her lips as usual. She looked exhausted in the dim light of the kitchen, older too. She’d always looked like a woman who’d spent too many hours in the sun, but at the moment she had dark circles under her eyes as well, like she hadn’t gotten enough sleep over the last few weeks.
Helen turned her head and blew the smoke behind her even though i
t didn’t matter; the kitchen was full of it. “Star created it before this thing was ever released. At least that’s what Jane told me.”
“And you trusted her?” Parvarti asked.
Helen shrugged and nodded at the same time. “Yes, as much as it pains me to say it. Jane was as cold as stone when I met her, totally dedicated to her work, but somewhere along the way she changed, and the woman she was by the end…” She shrugged again. “I can’t explain it, I just know what I saw.”
“I don’t believe it,” Parvarti spit out. “People don’t change.”
“You changed,” Angus pointed out. “I like to think I changed too, even if I can still be a pain in the ass.”
Meg’s mom put her hand on top of his. “Some things will never change.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Parvarti replied. “I can’t believe she changed enough to make me trust the things she told you.”
“That’s understandable,” Helen said, and then looked at Angus. “But I know why she changed and I also know she hated herself a little bit for it. She fell in love.”
All eyes were on Angus, who was staring at the table like he couldn’t bring himself to meet anyone’s gaze. His shoulders were slumped, and the expression on his face illustrated the pain all these memories had brought up.
“How does it work?” Lila asked, as if she wanted to change the subject.
“It attacks the virus living in the zombie’s brain, destroying it and the brain in the process. Humans can be carriers, which will help spread it faster, but it doesn’t affect them at all. At least that’s what Jane told me.” Helen shrugged for the third time. “Whether or not you choose to believe that is up to you.”
Heat moved up my arm and I clenched my hand into a fist, shifting my feet in the process. The floor creaked under me, and everyone turned to look my way.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Helen frowned as she took me in. “You feeling okay?”
I shook my head. “I’m not.”
She got to her feet, already motioning to the hall at my back. “Go to the living room and sit down. Let me look you over.”
I did as I was told, hating the way my joints ached with each step. It was a hell of a lot more muted than it had been before, and I hoped to God it stayed that way, but I couldn’t deny that the symptoms were returning.
When I’d taken a seat on the couch, Helen knelt in front of me. “It’s coming back?”
“It just started, but I can feel it again. Not as strong, but still present.”
Vivian and Angus had come into the room behind Helen, and Dragon too, but everyone else had stayed in the kitchen.
“This is normal,” Helen said. “The symptoms should feel muted for a while still, but you have to let us know if it changes. If you feel like you’re changing.”
“How?” Vivian asked.
When I lifted my gaze to hers, I found her brown eyes filled with worry and I understood why. I’d been alone in a room with her daughter. I was putting her only truly safe family member in jeopardy just by being with her.
Helen let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know specifically since I’ve never been infected, but this is what I’ve been told. You start to feel like you’re slipping away. Like you’re observing everything instead of participating. Then, as the virus takes over more of your brain, you start to feel an overwhelming hunger. It’s different than a normal hunger though, more intense.”
Vivian stepped forward. “He can’t come to New Atlanta with us.”
Behind her, Angus and Dragon listened silently, Meg’s uncle still smoking while her former boss just stood and watched.
Helen stood and faced Vivian. “You know what that will mean, don’t you? If he doesn’t go he won’t get the vaccine in time.”
“If he does go he could attack someone,” Vivian said firmly.
Angus scoffed. “Don’t sound like you, Blondie. Wasn’t you the one who was always running off to save somebody you didn’t know?” He nodded at me. “You know this boy. Even more, your daughter’s in love with him.”
My shoulders stiffened at the words I’d found myself thinking dozens of times but had never managed to force out. Did everyone know how I felt? Did Meg?
“You gonna leave him here to die?” Angus narrowed his eyes on Meg’s mom, and then shook his head. “You and me both know that ain’t how this is goin’ down, so don’t pretend.”
Vivian let her gaze drop to the floor, her expression torn. “I just want everyone I love to be okay.”
“Then you gotta let him go. If you fight this, Meg’ll never forgive you.”
Vivian lifted her head so she was looking at me. “You tell us if something changes. Right away. Understand?”
“I won’t put her in danger,” I said. “Ever.”
Vivian nodded, but it seemed to be for her own benefit more than mine. Then she turned and walked back into the kitchen, leaving me with Helen, Dragon, and Angus.
“You need me to put a bullet in your brain, you just say the word,” Angus said. “It’s been twenty years since I killed a man and I never planned on doin’ it again except to take Star out, but I ain’t gonna let nobody suffer neither. I seen too much of that in my life.”
“I will,” I assured him. “I promise.”
“That’s good ‘nough for me,” he said, and then headed back into the kitchen with Vivian.
“Right now the only thing you can do is sleep,” Helen said. “I wish I had a miracle cure, but unfortunately, all of those are locked inside the CDC.”
“We’ll get it, though,” Dragon said.
I stood. “I hope so.”
Meg was still asleep when I made it back upstairs, so I crawled into bed next to her and tried to get some rest too. It was impossible, though. My mind was spinning in circles, my thoughts swirling around impossibly fast and going over everything that needed to happen and everything that could go wrong.
Axl might not be in his cell.
Jackson could be waiting with a trap.
Helen could be a CDC spy out to lure us inside.
Jane could have been lying about the failsafe.
We might not get the vaccine in time to save me.
I might kill Meg.
The failsafe could destroy my brain.
There were too many possibilities, which made it impossible to relax, and the longer I lay in bed, the more the ache inside me increased. It was still nothing like it had been before, and I wasn’t delirious either, but it was there and it wasn’t going to go away until we had the vaccine.
Dawn came, the sun rising outside and eventually penetrating the thin curtains that covered the window. In the early morning light I was able to stare at Meg, to memorize her face, her body, and the feel of her next to me. Then my brain moved on from all the horrors of the world to the miraculous few moments we’d spent together. On the cot in the back of Dragon’s stinking bar, her body under mine as we kissed and explored one another. In the shower, both of us naked under the cold stream of water. I remembered how she’d felt in my grasp, how small she’d seemed when I’d lifted her, how close we’d been when she’d wrapped her legs around my waist. I wanted that again, to be close to her, to explore her body.
She woke slowly, shifting so she could stretch, and her eyes flew open when her hip brushed against me. “Good morning,” she said, lifting her eyebrows. “Good dreams?”
“I didn’t sleep,” I said, scooting closer and pulling her small body against mine. “I couldn’t, not when all I could think about was you.”
“Don’t torture yourself,” she said. “You know we can’t risk it, as much as I want to.”
“There are other things we can do,” I whispered.
I pressed my lips against her neck, and then moved them down to her chest. The tank top she wore was cut low and thin, making it easy to caress her skin through the fabric. I ran my tongue across her chest, right over the swell of her breasts that barely peaked out above the
neckline of her shirt. She shivered under me and I moved my mouth lower, kissing the soft skin of her breasts through her tank top while pushing the hem up. Then my lips moved lower, down to her bare stomach before making my way back up, following her shirt as I pulled it higher. It was over her head in seconds, and then she was naked in front of me except a pair of black cotton panties. I cupped her breasts and ran my tongue between them. Her nipples were hard points, and when I flicked my thumbs across them, I was rewarded with a gasp of pleasure.
I looked up, meeting her gaze to find her watching me as I dragged my tongue across her breast to her nipple. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, sinking her teeth into it in anticipation. Waiting. Begging. I closed my mouth over her nipple and sucked it into my mouth, and she let out a low moan that went straight to my groin. She grasped my head between her hands as I teased her, her fingers threading through my hair and pulling me closer. The way she squirmed told me she was as excited as I was, so I took the hint and ran my fingers down her body and over her thigh, not stopping until I’d almost reached her knee. Then I moved them back up, this time over her inner thigh.
“Donaghy,” she gasped out my name. “I want you. You won’t infect me.”
“It’s not happening,” I said. “But this is.”
I pushed the fabric of her underwear aside so I could slide my finger into her. She gasped once, and then a second time when I closed my lips over her nipple again.
“Don’t,” she moaned. “Don’t stop.”
I didn’t, but not because she begged me to keep going, but because I wanted to. I wanted to kiss and feel every inch of her, to make her beg for more. Not just now, but for the rest of our lives.
I moved my lips up her neck, wanting so badly to devour her lips but holding back as I teased her with my fingers. Every gasp, every moan she let out sent a jolt through me. I moved my hand faster, paying close attention to her body’s cues, and it wasn’t long before she was holding onto me while she gasped out her pleasure, her body quaking around my fingers.
My heart was racing by then, and from out of nowhere pain spread through me that I didn’t understand. It was like lava in my veins, like a fire spreading through me. Meg was still coming down from her orgasm, but I was suddenly paralyzed by fear. I’d gotten swept up in my lust, had taken for granted that Angus’s blood had bought me time, but the sudden pain coursing through my body brought everything into sharp and startling focus. I was risking too much, pushing my luck too much, and putting Meg in danger in the process.
