Except me.
And Rose.
Kevin left me to ride with Rose.
What the HELL is going on?
After she has helped me into her car and has gotten into the driver’s side, she looks at me and puts her hand on my hand.
“This is hard for him . . . a lot harder than he thought. You can’t fault him for trying to save himself,” she says without looking at me but sensing that I was going to ask.
“Yeah, I know. I heard you two on the phone last night. Christ Rose, he was crying. I’ve never had a man cry over me before,” I say, keeping a tight grip on my seat belt.
“He’s hurting already, May. Just don’t hold it against him okay?” she says as she pulls off the driveway and onto the main road.
“This was supposed to be a great day out of the house with sightseeing and spending time with Kevin, and he is going to pull away from me like I already left. I’m still fucking here,” I say to the window.
“You . . . Hell, May. I have no idea what to say here . . . Just take it hour by hour now,” Rose says, softly and reassuringly.
I let out a blast of air out of my lungs. This trip out is going to be annoying and frustrating, but most of all, it’s going to hurt.
When we pull into a spot, everyone is out and has started to the walkway. Kevin and Rose have stayed behind to help me out of the car. When I am out and have my purse secured across my body, thanks to Rose, I grab Kevin’s hand and hold on. I don’t want him to walk away from me again.
But he does.
He lets go of my hand and walks full speed towards the rest of the group, leaving me standing there with tears in my eyes, hiding behind my sunglasses.
“Rose, I know this is probably going to be a pain in the ass, but can you take me back to Kevin’s house?” I ask, keeping the tears, once again, at bay.
“What? NO! C’mon, May, you can’t blame the guy for acting the way he is,” she says, looking in Kevin’s direction.
I look at Kevin too. He and Mike are talking just one on one, and Kevin is gesturing with his hands, something I have learned that he only does when he is upset. Great. I see Mike lightly punch Kevin in the shoulder and walk away. Kevin just shakes his head, runs his hands over his head and throws them down to his side.
“Yeah, can you take me back?” I ask again.
“Yeah, okay. Let me just go tell Kevin that we are heading back . . . I’ll tell him that you are a lot more sore than you thought.” She rubs a hand up and down once on my good arm, and I lean against the car as she takes off to the group. I put my face in my hands, rub my eyes under my sunglasses, and let out a small sob. This is not how I thought this day was going to go when I woke up this morning, not even close.
I hear someone walking up to the car, but I don’t want to see the disappointment on Rose’s face, so I don’t look at her.
“Why do you want to go back to the house?” Kevin asks.
“Because you are treating me like I am already gone . . . so I might as well be.” I am still not looking at him.
“Can you fucking blame me, May? You have no idea how hard this is for me,” he says, a little irritated.
“I don’t know? . . . I . . . don’t know how hard this is? Yeah Kevin, this is awesome for me, I forgot to tell you. I wanted to crush you into a million pieces and feel like something is missing from me when I left!” I’m pissed now.
After we are silent for a few moments, I say the only thing that I know is true: “I know what you are doing, Kevin, and I really don’t like it. You think you can treat me like this because you want to save yourself. I am actually insulted because I haven’t treated you like I was leaving, not ONCE!” I say, limping over to him and pushing my sunglasses up on my head.
“Why can’t you just enjoy the time we have together now? Why do you have to keep thinking about tomorrow?” I am pleading with him to see this how I do, but he doesn’t.
“It’s not as easy at you make it out to be, May,” he says, clearing his throat. “Let’s just go and try to enjoy the day.”
“Yeah, I don’t think you are going to let that happen, are you, Kevin?” I ask, but I don’t wait for an answer.
I walk carefully over to where Rose is standing nearby. I put my arm around her shoulders, and we walk towards the waterway.
Like the last time I was here, I take my time at each and every vendor’s stand to see the new things they have. When we come to a hat stand, Rose rifles through all the hats until she stops on one that she is convinced is made for me. She makes me take my hair down and puts the hat on me. I smile, and she turns to Kevin and asks him what he thinks. My smile fades when Kevin doesn’t say anything. He does make a little effort as he walks up, dips under the brim of the hat, kisses me on the cheek, and then walks away. I look back at Rose who, after seeing what he did, just shakes her head and smiles back at me.
“It looks great. I’m buying it for you,” she says, digging into her purse.
“No, Rose, please . . . I’ll buy it,” I say, in turn digging into my purse.
“May Young! Don’t you dare,” she hands her money over to the vendor.
I like Rose. She’s one of the few girls I actually get along with.
As we move on to another vendor, I look for Kevin. He has made his way past a couple vendors and is talking to someone. I can’t see whom it is, so I move to the other side of the stand and freeze. He is talking to his grandma, the wonderful jewelry artist who sold me my ring. He is shaking his head, and she stands up out of her chair and gives him a hug. Then, he turns and walks farther down the waterfront. I go back to browsing with Rose and Erin. The guys have taken off walking towards Kevin direction, and we don’t stop them.
I buy a necklace and a new wallet from the vendors as we make our way down the line. I take a deep breath when we get to Kevin’s grandma’s table. Everyone greets her in a warm fashion as if they all feel like she is their grandma. I just stand there looking over her stand and see the new pieces she has put out. She gets off her chair again, walks over to me, and grabs my hand. I pull my sunglasses off, so she can see my eyes.
“I told you he would love you, dear,” she says, cradling my cheek with her hand.
I open my mouth to ask her how she knew, but nothing comes. I feel my lip start to quiver at her words and bite down on it. But it won’t do any good because my face is splotchy red and tight, my nose has started to run, and tears are ready to fall out of my eyes.
“Yes, ma’am. He does love me, and I very much love him too.” I sniff at her.
“Then that’s all you need,” she says as she turns and walks back to her chair. I put my sunglasses back on and search for Kevin. He saw everything.
Dammit.
I look around her table and see a scarf that looks so familiar. I stand there staring at it and trying to think from where in the world I know it. Like a ton of bricks, it hits me, and I remember the blanket on Kevin’s guest bed. It’s almost identical, only this has been made into a scarf.
I pick it up and ask how much.
She looks at what I have picked up. Her face relaxes completely, and she smiles in a way only grandmas can. She gets off her chair once more–poor woman–walks over to me, and takes the scarf out of my hands. She puts it around my neck and situates it like it’s supposed to be. She then puts her hands on both my shoulders and brings me down, so she can plant a small kiss on my cheek.
“No charge, my lovely girl.” Smiles at me again, rubs my arm, and goes and sits back down.
Rose puts her hand on my shoulder because she sees the tears rolling down my face from under my sunglasses. “Thank you again, ma’am.” I sniff and we walk away.
I’m not sure I can handle any more of this day. It’s only half gone, but it feels like it has gone on for days. Without Kevin, it just makes it worse. He has disappeared with the guys, and we haven’t seen them for over an hour or so, so we decide to get something to eat.
Conversation stays light, and I am sure tha
t’s because of how things are with me and Kevin. I don’t blame them at all. They have only hung out with me once before, but they have been with Kevin for years. I admire the loyalty.
“Everything is going to be okay, May. You do know that, right?” Rose is testing the conversational waters.
“How would I know that, Rose?” I ask, picking at my food.
“Because now y’all know,” Erin says quietly as she takes a sip of her drink.
“You two know how you feel about one another. This wasn’t some booty call or we’re-just-messing-around thing, you know? You really love each other. You really have something together. You are just going to have to talk to each other and figure out a plan of action,” Rose says.
Hopeful Rose.
“Kind of hard to talk to him when he doesn’t even look at me.”
“He was looking . . . You just didn’t see him,” Erin says, finally.
I wipe my hands on my napkin while standing slowly. I’m a little stiff from sitting for half an hour.
“Rose, do you think you can take me back now? I am really starting to feel these bruises. I think I have walked as far as I can today,” I ask, collecting my things and putting money down for the tab.
“Yeah, sure. Are you okay? Do you want me to stop somewhere to get you anything?” she asks, now standing up and collecting her things.
“No. I have some medicine at the house. I’ll be fine until I get back home tomorrow,” I say, avoiding their eyes and heading for the door. When we get outside, I give Erin a hug, and she is off to find the guys.
“Take care of yourself, May . . . and I hope we see you again soon,” Erin says as she lets me go from our hug and walks off in the opposite direction.
“I’ll just shoot Kevin a text and let him know that we are heading back now,” Rose says, going for her phone.
“No. Don’t bother. It won’t matter. Just leave him to work this out on his own . . . please?” I say, putting my arm around her shoulders again. I really am very sore.
“Yeah, okay . . . Erin will probably tell him when she catches up to them anyways. Alright, well let’s get you back then.”
And back to Kevin’s house–his lonely house–we go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Once we pull up to the house, I have officially locked up from all the walking we have done today, so Rose–bless her heart–helps me out of the car, up the steps, and into Kevin’s room.
“Can you do me a huge favor before you leave, Rose?” I ask.
“Name it.”
“Can you help me bring my bags and stuff downstairs to the guest bedroom?” I do not look at her.
She doesn’t argue with me but just shakes her head yes and grabs two bags for me. I go into the bathroom and collect all my stuff off the sink. When I have everything put away, I look at the bathtub, and the dam breaks loose. I ease myself down on the ledge and cry. I still hate crying. It doesn’t make me feel better, ever. I can hear how he laughs. I can see his smiles that are just for me. I can feel how passionate he is, how caring and loving. How lucky am I that he let me love him back?
Better to have loved and lost . . .
What the fuck ever.
That’s only what people say when they can’t face their fears and have to put a reason to why they are feeling the way they are.
I know I am scared to make a move like this again. The thought petrifies me. Rose’s comment from lunch comes floating back to me: “At least you two know you have something now.”
And we do–We did.
Rose must have come back up to help me because she gives a light knock on the doorframe and asks me what she can do.
“Nothing,” is all I say as I push up from the bathtub, not bothering to hide my tears. She knows what’s going on. I grab my bag with my bathroom stuff in it and make my way out. I stop at the door and turn around for another look. I don’t know why, but I walk back over to the sink that he designated mine and look into the mirror. I look down at my hand and see my ring that his grandma made, and I smile. I take it off slowly and place it in the curved out part of the sink for the soap. I turn to see Rose standing there, watching what I am doing. A painful smile slips onto her face, and she grabs my other bag. I thank her for the help this time because I just can’t handle the weight of more baggage, physical or metaphorical, right now as I descend the stairs one last time. I get into the guest bedroom, and Rose just stands there staring at the bed.
“That’s why you bought the scarf,” she whispers after putting two and two together.
“Yeah, I love this blanket,” I say to her as I sit in the rocking chair by the window.
Rose walks over to me, puts her arms around me, and gives me a big hug.
“By far one of the coolest girls I have ever met, May . . . Take care of yourself and don’t forget about us out here okay?” She sniffles. “Oh, and don’t worry about Kevin . . . We will take care of him afterwards. I put my number in your phone. Keep in touch, okay?” And just like that, she is out of the room, down the hall, and out the front door.
I lean my head back, start to rock in the rocking chair, and look out of the window onto the property. I look towards the barn and pen where Levi and Lucy are and see Lucy is going absolutely nuts. That horse is way too attuned to my emotions. I smile and laugh a little remembering Kevin’s face when I got on Lucy. Priceless.
I let my mind wander away and play every day of this week over in my head: Kevin showing up at McCall’s, bringing me back here, not leaving the room at all the next day, horseback riding, taking me to his favorite spot on the trail, and the dancing. I close my eyes to that memory. He and I are hugged together and dancing to the songs that said everything he wanted to but couldn’t. Our hands laced into each other’s, hugged between our bodies. Our foreheads resting on each other’s, so we can feel that we are connected. When I think about that particular portion of time, the tears start again as though they were never off, might as well get used to it. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be doing this a lot in the next couple of weeks. It’s at this moment that I realize just how much I love him. It’s the ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you, soul changing, can‘t live without you‘ love, and that just hurts worse. Once you walk away from that, not once, but twice, how do you continue on? How do you not let it destroy you entirely?
I can’t even think about getting up, so I just grab the blanket off the bed, wrap it around me, and nod off to sleep while slowly rocking and listening to Lucy whine outside.
It’s late afternoon when I hear something going on at the front door. I open my eyes and turn to look towards the bedroom door as I see Kevin shoot past. I hear him run up the stairs calling my name. I can’t call back to him. I will just let him find me on his own. After he shuffles around the room for a few minutes, I hear him come back down the stairs, and I close my eyes again. When I hear him take three or four quick steps and then stop, I know that he is at the door, staring at me. When we walks in, the floor creaks, and I open my eyes.
“I know this is really shitty timing, May, but I have to leave the state,” he says, out of breath. It’s only now that I see he is holding a small duffel. “Katie is having the baby . . . I have to go and see my son being born.”
I just stare at him. Is this really happening? This is how we are going to leave things after this god-awful day? I mean, I don’t blame him for wanting to go. It’s his son’s birth–of course he should be there–but man, what lousy timing. I laugh a little at that thought, but I still don’t say anything. I stand up out of the rocker, put the blanket on the bed, and walk over to him. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him to me as hard as I can.
He knows what this is. We were in this same situation just a few months ago. It hurt just as bad then too.
“May, I love you so much. I am sorry how this day turned out, and that we can’t spend tonight together. But I will come back tomorrow before you leave . . . You are leaving at two in the afternoon, right?”
I nod.
“God, I am so sorry, May. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
And just like that, he is gone. No kiss, but I’m sure he thinks that we are going to be able to make up tomorrow. He has walked away from me and is out of my life, again.
As soon as he said he was leaving, I made up my mind that I can’t sleep here by myself, so I make the decision to leave today. It’s probably better for both of us if I leave now. He’s going to have a brand new baby boy to keep him all kinds of occupied. I should really leave him a note or something, so he doesn’t worry about me. I’ll tell him congratulations on the baby and thank him for one of the greatest weeks of my life.
Yeah, I think I can sum all that up in a note. I roll my eyes and sit down at the breakfast bar to write what I know is a cop out note.
As I throw my last bag into the trunk of my car, I can hear Lucy. She’s whining and kicking up on her front legs. She’s not too happy. I hold up my hand, so she can hopefully see me and calm down. I think she does because she has stopped rearing back now and is just making noises and stomping her hoof on the ground. She’s telling me goodbye.
“GOODBYE, LUCY AND LEVI!” I yell at the top of my lungs and smile when I see Levi lift his head and look in my direction. Lucy bumps him a little. Yeah, they heard me.
I get into my rental and start my way down the dirt driveway to the main road. I have punched in my address in my GPS, and it throws out that I have a seven hour and forty-six minute drive ahead of me. When I get to the main road, I stop and look in my rearview mirror at Kevin’s house.
I have the memories of you, my Love.
And with that, I pull onto the road and start making my long way home.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
TWO MONTHS LATER
Another bar, another job.
Everything with Paul took a while to get back on track. We still aren’t there all the way, but we are working on it. He has learned that he isn’t going to be able to be there for me every time something happens, so in a way, he has backed off on the protectiveness that he once felt he needed to have with me. And in that regard, I have had to handle a lot more situations and fights by myself, with the help of the other bouncers, of course. Paul wouldn’t leave me hanging completely, especially with my body going through the seventh circle of hell with recovery.
Need You, Need Me (The Need Series Book 1) Page 22
