I wiped at my eyes and tried to speak, but my throat was too tight to allow more than a squeak to escape.
“But I don’t want this, either.” He flung his arms out to indicate the gap between us.
What was he saying? Was there still hope?
“Come here,” he urged, patting the space on the bed beside him.
With a small thrust of hope, I hugged myself and joined him on the bed.
A small eternity passed before he spoke, but being friends with Ian had always required a certain amount of patience. I was just now realizing that the same could be said for me. We really were quite a pair.
I was hardly breathing by the time he spoke. “You know, there’s very few childhood memories that I have without you in them, and we both know the ones without you aren’t worth mentioning.” He gave me a dry look. “The point is you’ve always been there. I grew up depending on that. I came to think of you as mine, really.” He paused, a short snort of self-deprecating laughter passing his lips. “You were the only thing in my pathetic, shitty-ass life that ever brought me any happiness. You had faith in me when no one else did, and I loved you for that.”
And at the first test of that faith, I’d let him down.
“I’ve always loved you,” he went on, “maybe not romantically, but it’s always been there.” He rubbed his hands together. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them, even when he continued. “I didn’t want to share you with anyone. That’s the only thing that hasn’t changed.”
This was all stuff I’d sensed for years, but I never would have guessed he’d ever say it out loud. Ian had never been comfortable sharing his feelings. He was way too guarded for that. For him to say these things now was only a testament of how much he had emotionally matured.
That alone made me hate myself. I couldn’t fathom how hard it must have been for him to work up the courage to say those three little words last weekend, only to have them thrown back in his face.
“I can’t be your friend, anymore,” he said, his voice gruff and implacable. “It’s all or nothing now.”
“That’s what I want,” I said. “The night of the party, you said I didn’t know what I wanted, but I do. I always did. I was just scared.”
“I thought you wanted to go back to the way it was before?”
“I would have settled for that, but it’s not my first preference. I just want you, whatever way I can have you.”
“And that would be good enough for you?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “But it would have been better than what we have now.”
He pushed a breath through his nose and shook his head. “I guess that’s the difference between us. I’d rather not have you at all, than to settle for anything less than all of you.”
The implications of his words stung. “So, what, you think because I thought that maybe I could live with it makes my feelings less true than yours?” I asked, growing agitated.
His head began to shake. “Ivy, that’s not what I mea—“
“I think you did,” I said. “Just because I could have lived with only part of you doesn’t mean I care less than you, you bonehead.”
“Bonehead?”
“At least I took the first steps to try to make up with you. You didn’t even try! If I hadn’t come today, would you have just let things go on as they have been?”
He pushed a noisy sigh through his nostrils. “I don’t know. Maybe eventually I—“
“Eventually?”
"Ivy, you’re yelling.”
“So?”
“You said you didn’t want to fight.”
I inhaled sharply, then sagged. Right. I had said that. Still, it was hard not to yell. He was just too damn infuriating sometimes.
After taking a long breath, I grumbled an apology.
His chuckle surprised me. He nudged my shoulder with his. I didn’t move, even as his hand lifted and came down on mine. “You and me…well, it’s probably never going to be easy. We’ve both made a lot of mistakes, and if the last month is any indication, we’re bound to make tons more.”
“It wouldn’t be us if we didn’t. Nothing’s ever easy for us, is it?”
“It used to be. Hanging out with you used to be as easy as breathing. I never had to act like someone I wasn’t. There were no expectations that I be this guy everyone seems to think I am. You gave me what I needed on an emotional level, and I got what I needed physically elsewhere.”
“With half the girls on campus,” I grumbled again.
“I’m not exactly proud of it, but I’m not about to apologize, either. I fulfilled the fantasy they seemed to be looking for, and they gave me the physical connection I needed. It was hollow, but I had you to give me the rest. It seemed like a win-win, until the lines between us started to blur.” He turned and studied my face. “You look exhausted.”
“Thanks,” I said with a small laugh. “You don’t look so hot yourself.” It was a lie. Even with the circles under his eyes, he looked gorgeous.
“I haven’t been sleeping that well.”
“I know the feeling.”
His eyes wavered to the bed and back. “Stand up,” he told me. I did as requested, sliding my shoes off. He took my hand and gently tugged me down. I climbed in and took the space next to the wall. He joined me a second later, wrapping his arm around me. “Sleep,” he whispered, dropping his lips on my temple.
I was already starting to drift off when it hit me that now would be the time to say what I’d really come to say. “Hey, Ian?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you, too.”
His arm tightened around me. “What took you so long?”
I smiled into my pillow. Then, for the first time in days, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
***
I didn’t know how long we’d slept. It must have been several hours. The room was gray and shadows blackened the ceiling when my eyes opened. Ian’s arm was draped loosely over my waist and his breathing was slow and even.
I lay there for a long time, recounting our conversation and all the things he’d said. Things weren’t perfect, yet. There would be more to say later and we still had some issues to work out, but we were in a better place. I was waking up in his bed and in his arms. For now, that was enough. And there was no other place I wanted to be.
Except that I had somewhere else to be.
The last thing I wanted to do was leave, but things with Jayden weren’t entirely resolved yet. We’d been playing phone tag on voicemail all week, and yesterday was the first time we’d actually spoken, just long enough to pin down a time to get together. All along, I’d known what I needed to do, and I guess I could have done it over the phone, but I felt like I owed him more than that.
Naturally, I hadn’t even remembered it until just a few minutes ago. Maybe that should have been the first sign that Jayden wasn’t the right person for me. I was always forgetting about him, and even when I was with him, my thoughts were consumed with Ian. Amery had been right about me being selfish. Chelsea had been right about me trying to make myself like him.
Ian’s arm tightened around me when I tried to slide his arm away. “Where are you going?”
I smiled down at him. “I need to go home.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Unfortunately, I do. I have some stuff to take care of.”
“What stuff?”
I gave him a casual shrug. “Just stuff.”
Something on my face or in my voice must have tipped him off, because his eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What stuff?”
I climbed over him and slid my legs over the end of the bed. “Stuff.”
There was a long silence. “What aren’t you telling me? Does…does this have to do with Jayden?”
I was tempted to deny it, but that’s what had gotten us into trouble in the first place. “Fine, yes. I need to go talk to him.”
Ian raked his hands through his hair and stared at me with disbelieving eyes. “Are you s
erious?”
“Don’t be mad. I just haven’t had a chance to tell him it’s over.”
Ian abruptly stood from the bed and crossed to his dresser, pulling a heather-gray t-shirt from the second drawer. He shook it out with more force than necessary and yanked it over his head. I could see his arms shaking.
“Why are you mad? I’m ending things with him.”
“And what were you going to do if today turned out differently? Keep on going out with him?” His eyes flashed and the mistrust I saw in their depths about gutted me. “Keep him around just in case I threw you out of my room?”
“No,” I said firmly. “This was the plan, all along.”
He grabbed his boots and sat down in his chair, pulling one then the other on his feet.
I went to him and put my hands on his cheeks, forcing his face to mine. “Look at me. Look into my eyes. I’m not lying.”
His eyes were on mine, but they were flat and remote. “Look,” I urged him. I waited for his body to relax, hoping he’d see the truth in my eyes. There had to be truth there, because I wasn’t lying. “Fine,” he said, looking away.
I stepped back and hugged myself, wondering what that meant. “Fine, you believe me?”
He returned his attention to his boots, lacing them up with quick and practiced efficiency.
“Sure.” He stood up and grabbed his wallet from his dresser and jamming it into his back pocket. “Go do whatever you’ve got to do.”
“Where are you going?”
“Out.” He picked up his keys and motorcycle helmet.
“Wait,” I reached for his arm. His muscles coiled and bunched under my hand. “Don’t leave pissed.”
He released a short sigh. “Ivy, I need to go blow off some steam.”
I nodded slowly, thinking maybe letting him go would be best. Once he got it out of his system, we could work through this. “Okay.” I released his arm. “Just be careful.”
***
I left Ian’s suite feeling confused and hurt and kicking myself for screwing up again. I hoped that after he’d had some time to cool off and think, he’d realize that my intentions were true; my timing just sucked.
I drove to meet Jayden at Luna’s, and confessed everything. I apologized profusely for leading him on, and asked his forgiveness. He’d been kind and understanding, and even wished me luck with Ian, which was, I thought, pretty remarkable.
After saying our goodbyes, I went home to shower and then drove to the station.
The station was empty when I arrived. Ian was always there before me. Punctuality was his thing. Even so, I didn’t begin to panic until the counter dropped down to two minutes.
“Where is he?” Amery’s icy voice demanded over the com, causing me to jump.
Bracing myself for her hostility, I turned to face her. Her blistering glare was as bad as I’d anticipated. I wished we’d made up already. Of course, just like with Ian, I knew I was going to have to take the first step. And after I’d screwed things up again, I didn’t trust myself to do it right. “I don’t know,” I said.
Grabbing my cell-phone, I hit the speed dial to Ian’s apartment. The line was busy.
Every ounce of hope that he’d show up drained away as the clock hit thirty seconds.
“Oh, this should be interesting,” I said, trying not to hyperventilate. Unless some miracle occurred, I was going to spend the next two hours flying solo, running the board, patching in calls, and trying to keep track of my time sets, drops and sweepers; none of which I had much experience with. I always left them up to Ian, since radio was his long-term interest and not mine.
Just before I flipped the switch, I crossed myself and prayed to God that I survived the next two hours without him. I’d worry about whatever happened next, later.
***
“FYI, Trevor, we women don’t particularly care if semen is a good source of protein, so, please stop thinking it’s going to entice us to give more BJs. I mean, really – and that goes for all men. It’s not clever, and it’s not cute.” I sighed and looked at the clock on the monitor, nearly weak with relief that it was one o’clock. “And that’s it for tonight, folks. It’s time for another show to come to a close. Enjoy your weekends. Practice safe sex. Talk to you next week.”
I killed the call and switched on automated music reel, then sagged in my seat. Longest two hours of my life.
If there had ever been any doubt that Ian was invaluable to the show, that night had proven his value. I knew everyone was entitled to a bad night, but this had been beyond ridiculous. I was distracted. I did a piss-poor job of operating the board. I’d lost my patience with my callers more than once. I couldn’t even count how many times I head dead air. I’d been too worried that Ian had gone out and done something stupid because he felt I’d betrayed him.
I wanted to call it a night, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I at least made sure he was all right.
I left the station and drove to Seligman Hall, managing to get into the building with another resident. Trekking to the second floor, I went to his suite and knocked. When no one answered, I tried the knob and let myself in. The suite was dark. Reaching out for the light switch, I saw Matt passed out, face down, on the couch. I turned the lamp, and looked in the directions of the bedrooms. Slices of light came from behind two of the doors; not Ian’s. I walked in the dark, using the faint illumination they gave off as guides. Ian’s door before letting myself in. “Ian?”
I fumbled for the light switch. I turned one switch, but the room remained black. “Ian?” I said again, as I switched the other one on. “Are you…?” I broke off with a when my eyes landed on the bed. Ian lay flat on his stomach, his mouth hanging open. And leaning half on his back was a girl’s naked body.
“Oh, God.” Even though my voice was a strangled whisper, it was enough to cause the girl to life her head and look at me. I stumbled backward. Mallory.
Ian started awake, looking around before peering at me. “Ivy?” His brow crinkled with bafflement. He rolled over, his head swinging to look at Mallory. His eyes slid between us, his eyes growing wider and wider. “No, Ivy--”
“Shut up,” I said in a strangled voice I hardly recognized as my own. “This is what you call blowing off steam? I knew you were pissed, but I never thought you’d…and with…” I couldn’t even say her name.
“Wait.” Ian scrambled into an upright position and then clutched his head. “No.” His voice grew louder. “It’s not…I didn’t sleep with her.”
Mallory sat up, displaying pert and perky breasts with pride. A smirk curved her mouth and her eyes looked positively gleeful. “He’s right.” Her hands slithered over his shoulders. “We hardly slept at all.”
“Get off!” Ian barked, jerking away.
Mallory pulled back, but held her smirk. “Fine, I got what I came for, anyway.” She pushed up from the bed. A denim mini was bunched around her waist and she was naked from the waist down.
I clutched my stomach, sure I was about to vomit. My mouth tasted like ashes; soft, furry, and grungy. “Oh, wow.”
Ian tried to push up from the bed, but he seemed to be having difficulty getting his balance. “She’s lying!”
“Hardly,” Mallory said, lifting her shirt from the end of the bed and pulling it down over head. “Aww.” She looked at me with faux-sympathy. “I guess you were into him, after all. If you had only told me…” She brought a finger to her mouth and tilted her head. “Well, no, I would have fucked him, anyway, but I may have actually felt bad about it.” She chuckled and leaned down to retrieve her sandals from the ground. “He’s all yours.”
“I don’t want him.” I gritted out, turning to my eyes at Ian. “Ever again. We’re done. Sure hope the whore was worth it.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“What’s wrong, baby girl?”
I bit my lip, grateful my mom couldn’t see me through the telephone.
“I’m fine, just tired.” It wasn’t a lie; I was exhausted. I ju
st wanted the emotional roller-coaster to stop.
“Are you sure?” Mom pressed, sounding unconvinced; she read me too well, sometimes. “You just sound so down.”
“Well…” For a brief second, I actually considered telling her everything, that would mean reliving it. I didn’t have the energy to rehash all the grisly events or analyze how everything had gone so wrong. And the last thing I wanted to hear from anybody at that moment was advice on how to fix things, which Mom was sure to dole out in spades. “Like I said, I’m tired. It’s been a long week.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Look, I plan to plant myself on the couch and veg for the next twenty-four hours. Then, I’ll be right as rain. I promise.”
“Oh, I remember the good old days when I had the time to do that,” Mom mused a bit wistfully. “Ah, to be young.”
“Sure, mom.”
“I’ll let you get some rest, honey, and I’ll see you on Sunday?”
“I’m looking forward to it,” I said, successfully hiding the sarcasm in my voice. Oh, it was there, and for good reason. The entire reason Mom called was to invite me to a family dinner -- with Nathan and Jayden. While things had been left on a good note with Jayden, I wasn’t exactly hopping at the chance to see him.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
I closed my eyes, getting a little choked up. “I love you, too, Mom.” Hell, I was emotional. Hearing someone – anyone – say they loved me made me feel marginally better. Everyone outside of Chelsea was pissed off or disappointed in me. Or had betrayed me.
After disconnecting the call, I silenced my phone and tossed it on the coffee table. I was in deep-screen mode. Ian had called twice that morning, but I had nothing to say to him. I just wanted an afternoon of zoning out in front in the television, watching mindless programming that had nothing to do with love or romance or sex. And I wanted to sleep for the next day or two, just as I’d told my mom.
I had just gotten into a program about past-life regressions and karma when an insistent banging at the door caused me to jump half a foot off the couch. Sitting up, I clutched my chest. My heart raced beneath my fingertips.
I didn’t move, didn’t even breathe, as if whomever was outside my door would be able to sense the faintest trace of life. The knock came again, louder and more persistent, and I flinched with each beat of the fist against the door.
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