by Indiana Wake
7
“Come on, Janet. Just get yourself into your nightgown. The best thing you could do right now is to get into that bed and pretend to be asleep before your daddy gets back, do you hear me?” It was the first time in a long time that Grace had sounded exasperated with her stepdaughter.
“I don’t feel so good,” Janet complained loudly.
“Well, whose fault is that?” Grace, seeming anxious to move things along, began to help Janet into her nightgown when she seemed set to stand still for the rest of the night.
“Everything is moving,” Janet said as she watched the jug of flowers on the little table by the window seem to wander along in front of her eyes before shooting back to where they were originally, before beginning to wander again.
As far as she was concerned, it was just about the worst feeling in the world. She felt disorientated and nauseous and she silently vowed that she would never touch another drop of hard liquor for the rest of her life.
“What possessed you, Janet? And why are you so late? Your daddy’s already been out there half an hour looking for you and I can’t imagine he’s going to be very happy when he gets back.”
“Grace, you have to help me. I don’t want to fall out with daddy.”
“Look, he’ll be annoyed, that’s all. There’s no need for you to go looking frightened. You have a better daddy than most, and I hope you appreciate that when he goes easier on you than most.”
“But he’s still going to be mad.”
“Of course, he is. You are an hour and a half late. And it’s not as if you are out with Jimmy either.”
“Oh no, not Jimmy again.” It wasn’t the first time that Grace and Janet had discussed Jimmy since Ray had come on the scene. “I’ve had enough of Jimmy for one night.”
“Be that as it may, your daddy trusts Jimmy; he knows Jimmy. He knows nothing about this cowboy of yours.”
“Ray. Ray Burnett,” Janet said, high on her dignity but sounding somewhat ridiculous given that her words were so slurred.
“The same Ray Burnett who didn’t pick you up from the house and didn’t return you to it either,” Grace said significantly.
“He did see me home, Ma Grace.” Janet closed her eyes to keep the sight of the jug of flowers at bay. But even with her eyes closed, there was still a dreadful sensation of movement. “Right to the gate, actually.”
“But not to the door.”
“Ma Grace, don’t get on at me so. And I asked him to meet me in the town, I didn’t want him to come here.”
“And why is that? What do you see wrong in this man that you wouldn’t want your daddy to see? That you wouldn’t want me to see?”
“I just didn’t want to feel your disapproval.”
“Why? What is there to disapprove of?” Grace asked cautiously.
“That he isn’t Jimmy,” Janet said, and Grace fell silent.
Of course, there were one or two other reasons she hadn’t wanted her parents to meet Ray straightaway. Being almost a decade older was not going to help his cause as far as her father was concerned, and his handsome, smiling confidence would undoubtedly be something that Grace mistrusted until she had reason to think otherwise.
And Janet knew, deep down, that she ought to be grateful; her parents cared for her so much it almost broke her heart. She just wanted to be sure about Ray, and to have enough to tell them of the good in him before they settled down to decide for themselves.
“All right, I understand. And I’m sorry, because you need to make your own choices in this world, regardless of what I would want, or your daddy would want. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that, as long as you’re safe, we will be happy. And as long as you’re happy, truly happy, and that’s all. I guess it’s just something we’re all going to have to adjust to. I suppose I thought that Jimmy Dalton would be sitting around my kitchen table forevermore. I guess I didn’t see that things would change. But it’s your life... not mine,” Grace said gently and helped Janet finally get into bed, pulling the blankets up around her and tucking her in as if she was still a girl of twelve.
“Thank you, Ma Grace,” Janet said sleepily.
“Just make sure you keep talking to me, all right? Don’t hide Ray Burnett from me just because you think I won’t understand. I’m your ma, aren’t I?”
“You sure are.” Janet felt the strange belt of emotion, heightened, she gathered, by the alcohol. “Daddy is going to be so mad when he finds out that I’m as drunk as a skunk.”
“Maybe he doesn’t need to find out,” Grace said, and Janet felt a stab of hope through the haze of alcohol. “You can just settle down to sleep and I’ll say that you came in just a few minutes after he went out. I’ll tell him that you just got to talking to your new friend and lost track of time. If I say that you’re already asleep, there won’t be any need for him to know about the drinking. Just promise me you’ll be careful about that sort of thing in future.”
“I will, really,” Janet said and was determined in her own right.
But as drunk as she was, Janet still had enough capacity to feel guilty. She hadn’t done anything wrong, exactly, but she certainly hadn’t lost track of time in conversation. Sure, she and Ray had been just about the last to leave the barn that night, but she hadn’t done any hurrying to get back home. The world had already begun to spin a little, although not as much as it was now that the alcohol had fully taken a hold of her system.
But she still knew what she was doing, even if it had all been a little blurry. Her determination to outrun the uneasy feelings of the evening had made her reckless. She had swallowed down four cups of the liquor-laced punch without another word of complaint to Ray.
He’d walked her home slowly, and she had enjoyed the moonlit quiet as they went along arm in arm. But not as much as she had enjoyed the many minutes spent kissing as he held her there in his strong arms in the silvery moonlight. And if she had not been feeling so unsteady, it would have gone beyond simple enjoyment.
It would have been a moment of wonder, the most exciting, thrilling thing of her young life. She determined there and then that the next time, she would be stone cold sober so that she might enjoy everything she had thought her first kiss would be.
With her thoughts becoming confused, the only thing that was clear was the guilty feeling of having Ma Grace cover for her when she had behaved so willfully.
Grace opened the window just a little before turning to leave the room.
“Don’t go, not yet,” Janet said quietly.
“All right, but as soon as I hear your daddy’s horse, I’ll have to go.”
“I had a fight with Jimmy,” Janet said miserably as she remembered how angry he looked when she’d asked about Beth. “But I guess we worked it out,” she said slowly, the memory of his warm smile and gentle touch as he’d left filtering back to her through the haze.
“It’s not going to be an easy thing for either of you.”
“I don’t know, he seems to be getting over it all right,” Janet said, a confusing image of Jimmy and Beth springing to her mind unhindered. “He spent enough time with Beth Standfast.”
“Well, I guess he couldn’t have stood there on his own all night,” Grace said, immediately leaping to Jimmy’s defense.
“Maybe not. But Laura was there; Laura and Cole. He was already standing with them, he wasn’t on his own.” Janet, already fighting sleep, was somehow determined to keep talking.
“That’s not really what I meant, honey.” Grace looked over her shoulder at the door before cautiously sitting down on the end of Janet’s bed. “His pride’s properly hurting him a little and you can’t blame him for wanting to hang onto that, can you?”
“But why should his pride be hurting? I didn’t do anything to him, Grace. It’s not like we were together, were we?”
“I know you weren’t, I know you’ve always just been friends.”
“Then why do I feel like I’ve done something terrible?”
“
You most certainly haven’t done anything terrible.” Grace reached out for Janet’s hand. “And you mustn’t think that. And nobody thinks that of you, it’s just like I said, we’re all just going to have to get used to it. Not just me and your daddy, Jimmy too.”
“It’s not as if Jimmy ever said he loved me, is it?” Janet was barely hanging on to the thread of the conversation although she was certain she had something important to say.
“No, he didn’t. But he does love you, Janet. Of course, he loves you, he is your friend and I’m sure you love him too.”
“Yes, I do love him,” Janet said but screwed up her face confusion. “But it’s different. It’s not the same as with Ray Burnett.”
“Of course, it isn’t, you haven’t known Ray Burnett long enough to know how you feel about him.”
“I just want a chance to have a different life.”
“As long as you work out exactly what it is that’s wrong with the old one.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Before you run headlong into something, find out what it is you’re running from.”
“I’m not running from anything,” Janet said defiantly. “I just want to have excitement and romance. You can understand that, can’t you?”
“Of course, I can, I am not as old as you think. I do remember what it all feels like, you know,” Grace said humorously, and Janet was grateful to her for the easing of tensions.
“But I also know it’s a time in everybody’s life when they don’t exactly think in a straight line. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, or a good thing, is just something to remember. Just be aware of it before you go making any big choices that come to something, all right?”
“I just wish that Jimmy was still my friend,” Janet said, changing the subject and not by choice; she was so confused.
Her eyes were closed now, and the sensation of movement was making her feel exhausted.
“He’s still your friend,” Grace said reassuringly. “Just give him a little bit of time.”
“He thinks I’m bad,” Janet said, sounding like a child.
“No, I’m sure he doesn’t. Just be careful of his feelings, that’s all.”
“The only way I can be careful of his feelings is to give up living the life I want.” Janet sounded petulant even to herself.
“No, it isn’t.” Grace chuckled. “I think that’s the drink talking.”
“I can’t stay in the house forever so that I don’t bump into him.”
“Nobody is suggesting that you do. Just be careful of him, remember the years of friendship. I know you don’t want Jimmy, you’ve made that real clear. But that doesn’t mean that your responsibility ends there. Just put a little thought into everything you do and see that you don’t humiliate him.”
“Do you think I humiliated him by going to the barn dance?”
“No, I don’t. But if you treat him carelessly, that’s exactly how he will feel. He’s going to feel tender about it all at the moment, because he loves you. Things haven’t worked out in the way he’d probably always expected them to, and that doesn’t make it your fault, but since he’s your friend, you still need to take his feelings into consideration.”
“But I’m not going to give up Ray,” Janet said, losing the thread of sensible conversation and finding herself just determined to have it confirmed that she could still live the life she wanted.
“No, just don’t needlessly hurt Jimmy. I can’t help thinking that you’ll regret it in your heart later if you do.”
“I’ve always been bad, haven’t I?” Janet said miserably, images of her youthful poor behavior toward Grace seeming to come at her one after the other.
“Now that really is the drink talking.” Grace rose to her feet and straightened out the blankets once more. “You have never been bad, never.”
“I was bad when you first came here to live.”
“No, you weren’t bad, you were hurting. And sometimes when we are hurting we do and say things we don’t mean.” Grace leaned over the bed and Janet’s eyes flicked open. “Just remember that when you’re dealing with Jimmy. Now and again he might say something he doesn’t mean, but you have it in your heart to forgive it because you understand what it feels like.” Grace kissed Janet’s forehead and straightened up.
“I’m not bad then?”
“No, you’re not bad. You are drunk, and your daddy will be back at any moment.”
“Then I should pretend to be asleep, shouldn’t I?” Janet said, her voice making her sound as if she already was.
“That’s right, honey,” Grace said gently before slowly walking out of the room.
Janet didn’t even hear her father come home. Her mind had been a world of disordered thoughts, contradicting feelings and ideas seeming to battle for control of her attention.
What she knew for sure was that she would find some way, whatever it was, to keep a hold of her friendship with Jimmy. Overemotional tears sprang from her closed eyes and ran down past her ears, soaking her pillow, as images of the two of them as children plagued her.
She wasn’t sure how she was going to manage it and she knew she’d have to think about it all when she could think in a straight line, as Grace had put it. But for now, it took every ounce of effort she had to stop her world sliding along in one direction and then firing back quickly in the other. She opened one eye slowly and peered out at the bright moon on the other side of the window.
But when it wandered across her vision only to fly back again, she shut her eyes tightly and gave in to sleep.
8
Janet was enjoying a day off. She had promised Grace that she would take a very excited Katie down into the town to choose some fabric for a new dress.
They walked all the way hand in hand, with Katie chattering excitedly about the sort of fabric she might choose. With Grace’s instructions that it should be nothing too frilly and the pattern shouldn’t be too large or busy, Janet felt sure she was about to have a fight on her hands in the fabric store. She already envisioned her entire day spent arguing over bolts of fabric that Katie’s seven-year-old self, thought appropriate for everyday wear.
Still, she loved Katie dearly and, fabric aside, was looking forward to spending the day with her. She would have taken her into the diner for a treat if she wasn’t so pleased to be out of there for the day.
“I have always liked real big flowers, Janet. Like my sunflowers; big like that,” Katie said in a wheedling voice.
“You know Ma said you cannot have huge flowers on your new dress, right?” Janet said, stifling a laugh.
“But maybe there will be flowers that are not too big but are not too small either. Like maybe this size.” She held out her thumb and forefinger, showing a distance of almost two inches.
“In terms of dresses, that is a big flower.” Janet stooped over and kissed the top of her head.
“What about this size?” Katie had only closed the gap a tiny amount and, as they continued to walk, she peered up at Janet hopefully.
“Maybe we should just wait and see what they have today.” Janet diverted her little sister, not wanting to say no flat out.
As soon as Katie spotted the fabric shop in the distance, she began to quicken her pace, almost dragging Janet along. Janet gave into it, humoring her and hurrying to keep up.
Her eyes flew, as they always did, to Connie Langdon’s boarding house. She passed it every day on her way to the diner and always looked up at it, feeling her little connection with Ray warm in her chest. And that day was no different; she stared up at all the windows as if she might see him standing in one of them, even though she knew fine well that he was already at work.
As a cowboy, he and his two friends set off very early in the morning, already out on the plains by the time she rose every day, feeling that fresh air which only truly existed at such an ungodly hour.
But still, Connie Langdon’s boarding house was the place he laid his head, and she could not help but look.
To her surprise, the front door of the boarding house opened, and Ray burst out through it. He hurried down the steps and onto the street, seemingly unaware that Janet was on the other side staring right at him.
“Ray,” she called out when it looked as if he would continue about his business without seeing her.
He turned suddenly and looked at her for a moment as if he didn’t quite recognize her. She tilted her head to one side and saw his expression soften as he darted across the street toward her.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you,” he said brightly, although he very much looked as if he ought to be somewhere else.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you either.” Janet laughed. “I’m just taking my sister to buy some fabric for a new dress.” She looked down at Katie who was looking up at Ray.
“Oh right, I see.” He looked down at Katie so briefly Janet wondered if he’d actually seen her at all.
He looked distracted, peering over his shoulder from time to time, his customary ease seeming to have left him for a while.
“Is everything all right?” Janet asked, concerned but not wanting to show it too much.
They had only been walking out together for a few weeks and it had seemed strange to her at first that a girl in her circumstances couldn’t just ask any old question. She was so used to being in Jimmy’s company, so used to being able to give voice to whatever it was that came into her mind, that it had been difficult to adjust to.
But apparently, other men weren’t so keen on that idea, preferring only to give information when they saw fit.
It had bothered Janet at first until she realized that this was how things really were between men and women. It took time to get to know a person and she was learning that she couldn’t just ask something outright purely and simply because she wanted to know.
“Yes, it sure is.” He chuckled and seemed somewhat more like his old self. “I guess I overslept. I should already be out on the plains and I was just about to tear down the street to grab my horse from the stables and get on with it before Drake Darcey realizes I’m not there.”
