by Indiana Wake
“I’ve missed you so much,” she said through a chest racking sob. “Not just since you left, but for so long.”
“Janet,” he started but fell silent again.
Without even drying her eyes, Janet leaned back in his arms and looked up at him.
Even through the thick layer of coal dust on his face, she could easily make out the irregular shapes of the dark bruising beneath. She reached out and traced every bruise with her fingers, her tears still flowing and her guilt overwhelming her.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she sobbed and stared into his blue eyes, the only thing unchanged by the dirt which clung to him.
But dirt or not, he was Jimmy; her Jimmy. He was tall and broad, his thick hair sitting heavily across his forehead, his arms so strong, and his face so handsome. He was the finest man in all the world and Janet knew it.
They stood for some time, neither one of them speaking as they held each other’s gaze. Janet had never felt surer of anything in her life than she did right then of her love for Jimmy. She laid a small hand on either side of his face and leaned in toward him. When she gently pressed her lips against his, Jimmy didn’t move.
Janet felt suddenly scared, not knowing what to do next. She could sense his rejection and finally realized for the first time exactly what it was Jimmy must have felt when she turned away from him and ran foolishly into the arms of Ray Burnett.
But just as she had been about to draw away again, Jimmy slid his arms around her tighter still and finally began to respond to her simple little kiss.
Janet closed her eyes and held on to him for all she was worth, knowing that she had never felt anything so wonderful in all her life. For all the little kisses she had shared with Burnett, there was not one of them to compare to Jimmy’s kiss.
This really was magic, pure magic, not the little story she had told herself before, the determination to believe that she had discovered what life was all about. This was real, and eternal.
“Jimmy, I have so much to be sorry for,” Janet said tearfully when they finally broke their embrace. “I just hope and pray that you can forgive me.”
“I do forgive you, Janet,” Jimmy said and stared at her sadly.
He finally stepped into the room and closed the door behind him and Janet felt her heart fill with joy. She had found her Jimmy and he had forgiven her. Everything had worked out for the best in the end.
“I do forgive you,” he said again. “But now it’s time for you to go home.”
“Home?” Janet said in great confusion. “But you’re coming with me, aren’t you? Drake Darcey will be ready to take you back in a heartbeat, I know he will. And you certainly wouldn’t be all dirty like you are now.” She tried to smile but she suddenly knew that everything hadn’t worked out for the best.
Something had gone wrong, very wrong, and she fought an urge to just keep talking over it, hoping it would just go away.
“No, I’m not coming with you. I have a job to go to here, or at least I think I do. But I had to square up to the pit manager to get any idea where you were, so only time will tell if I need to find another mine.”
“I’m so sorry. And I’m so grateful too. Grateful that you found me.”
“For all the good that will do me tomorrow.”
“You don’t need that job now, do you?”
“Yes, I do need it. Nothing’s changed, Janet.” He laughed without humor. “Even the fact that my world is once again upside down because of you. You’re in town for five minutes and already I’m at war with my new boss. It’s the same old thing time and time again, isn’t it? Janet marches in on a whim and everybody else is left picking up the pieces.”
Janet raised her hands to her face, shocked that he’d said what he’d said, but strangely not at all surprised to hear it. After all, every part of it was true. Except that she hadn’t come to Culver Ridge on a whim.
“I know, I know,” she said and wondered how on earth she was going to begin to tell him how much she wanted to change. “But I didn’t come here to please myself, to shake the world, I came here because I love you.”
“I know you do, Janet,” Jimmy said and let out a long, exhausted sigh. “I know you love me.”
“You do?” She felt so confused that she wanted to cry once again.
“I suppose I’ve only just realized it, but I know it,” Jimmy said somberly. “It’s funny, Connie once said to me that one day we’d both wake up and see the truth of what was right in front of us. I suppose that day has come, hasn’t it?”
“Do you love me too?” Janet asked, needing to know that, if nothing else, he still loved her.
“Of course, I love you, Janet. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. And you know, I can’t imagine there’ll ever come a day when I don’t love you.”
“So, you’ll come back with me? We’ll start from scratch?”
“No, I won’t.”
“I know you’re angry with me, Jimmy, and I know I made so many mistakes. But you must know that I never loved Ray Burnett, not for a second. I was just being childish, stamping my feet like I always do, and trying to stir everything up. And I know I hurt you, I know how hard you tried to help me through all of this. But there isn’t anything I can do to change that. All I can do is stand here now before you and tell you that my heart is breaking. And I’m not blaming you for that, I’m blaming myself. It was me who brought me to this point, not you.”
“You don’t have to do this, Janet. And you’re not telling me anything that I didn’t already know.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me back then?”
“Because I reckon you already knew it yourself.”
“You’re right, I did.” She scrubbed at her tears with the back of her hand. “I did know the truth and I hid from it like I always do. I know what sort of person I’ve been all these years, even after Grace came into my world to straighten me out. And I know how you always stuck by me no matter what. All I want now is a chance to show you how grateful I’ve always been, even if I never showed it. I want our old life back. And not just that, I want to go on into the future with you, hand in hand. I love you, shouldn’t that be all that matters in the end?”
“It’s not enough to build a life on. You’ve always loved me and yet you turned your back on me so easily. There’s nothing to say you won’t do that again the next time someone new comes to town.”
“Jimmy! Is that really what you think of me? That I am the sort of girl who will run around like that?” Her voice was raw with pain and emotion.
“No, I don’t. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that because I didn’t mean it. But you have to understand that I’ve had enough of all this now. I tried so hard to be a friend to you, even when it broke my heart to see you with that man. And I know what you had was never serious, this isn’t just my pride talking.” He ran a hand through his thick hair, a plume of coal dust breaking free. “But you’ll never be happy, and that’s my point. You’ll never settle. You’ll never want what you have. The lumber yard, the diner, me.” He snorted. “You know, on the day you rejected me, I had been on my way to ask you to join me in building up a ranch. Side by side. Equal partners. I should have realized then that you would have yawned and stretched and declared that to be boring too.”
“Oh, Jimmy. I wish you had said it.”
“Maybe you do now, but not then.”
“I’ll never look at anything the same way again. I’ll do whatever comes my way and I’ll appreciate everything I have at home. This big town has nothing on our home, does it? The people are awful, and I miss everything I had. I wish I could just go back.”
“And I wish you luck, Janet,” he said and turned for the door.
“No, wait. Please think about everything you’re throwing away. I know you can do it. I know you can see the things I never dared look at. Think about all we have between us.”
“Janet, I love you, but those days are gone. We can’t go back to climbing trees
and being the best friends in all the world. Too much has happened.” He reached for the door. “Just go home.” And with that, he was gone.
23
“Ma Grace and Daddy,
I’m safe and have lodgings here in Calver Ridge, although they are not a patch on Connie’s place. I’ve found Jimmy and he is so angry with me I can’t imagine he’ll ever forgive me for all I’ve done. But still I have to try, and so I will be here for a few more days yet.
I have one more thing left to try, one more little plan, and if it doesn’t work, I will finally have to accept that I am the author of my own misfortune, the only person in the world I can blame for my own heartbreak.
Once again, wish me luck,
With all my love,
Janet.”
It took Janet almost two days to discover exactly where Jimmy’s lodgings were. Realizing that they had been staying just a few hundred yards away from one another all that time seemed hardly possible.
But Culver Ridge was a busy place and there were people everywhere, dashing this way and that, taking not one jot of notice of each other’s lives. Janet could see how easily a person could be lost to another, even when they were almost in sight.
But these were not things to dwell on, for Janet had a plan. She had made a fine study of Jimmy’s lodgings, hiding out in the cool evening and watching until she saw the man she loved at one of the windows. She knew that she would have to wait, she would have to be patient just a few hours more, but she could manage that; her heart, her life, her happiness, all depended on it.
And when she saw the tree so close to his window, Janet realized that this was the best opportunity that could ever have come to her.
* * *
Jimmy had slept surprisingly well in the two nights which had followed that awful, final meeting with Janet. He hoped that her journey home had gone without incident and that she was, even now, back in the love and safety of the Lacey family home.
He’d never felt so sad in all his life. And yet the idea that he had finally spoken out loud all that was in his heart, every bit of it, had given him such a great sense of relief that he had slept more soundly than he had done for months. It was never going to be the ending he wanted, but it was an ending and that was all that mattered.
He knew he had to draw a line right there, and not give in once again only to spend the rest of his life worrying that he wasn’t good enough, not exciting enough, not a suitable husband for Janet Lacey.
And, as much as he hated his life in the coal mine, he realized that he could manage it. It was only a year, after all, and he would find some way to have it do him good. For one thing, it would keep him out of Janet’s way. He loved her so much and yet he was certain that his life would go much easier if he never saw her again.
When he heard a strange tapping at his window, Jimmy had been so deep in sleep that he awoke with his heart pounding. For those first few moments, he didn’t have a clue where he was. Nothing seemed to be in the right place, the strange dark shapes of unfamiliar furniture in unfamiliar locations were startling.
But as he rubbed his eyes, he quickly remembered where he was. Not in his comfortable old room back home in his father’s house, but out at Culver Ridge, a lonely coal miner in a miserable little boarding house.
Just as he had been about to lay himself down again and settle into the blank slate of sleep, there came another tap at the window. And then another, and then another.
Jimmy rose to sit, his legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Deciding not to light a candle, instead he made his way by moonlight to peer out through the tiny gap in the drapes.
Blinking, he stared out at the large tree just feet from the side of the boarding house. Then he looked down at the street and could see nothing out of the ordinary at all. But he was sure he hadn’t imagined the tapping and, just when he had been about to convince himself of just that, there came another tap.
He jumped back a little, realizing that something had been thrown against the window. A stone, perhaps? Something small and light. He looked down into the street again and, seeing nobody, shook his head in confusion. As he looked back up his eyes glanced at the tree. It was then that he realized there was a figure in it and he almost yelled out in shock.
Taking a breath, he peered out again through the gap in the drapes and studied the figure, his eyes narrowing as he did so.
“For God’s sake!” he said, his surprise so complete he almost laughed.
He slid open the window as quietly as the un-oiled fixings would allow and leaned out as if to get a closer look would be to confirm or reject what he was sure he’d seen with his own eyes.
“Janet?” he whispered hoarsely. “What on earth are you doing up there?”
“I’m just climbing a tree,” she whispered back and shrugged.
“But it’s the middle of the night.”
“I know. But there really is no time limit on tree climbing.” She grinned at him.
“Janet, what is this?” he asked, fighting the upturn in his mood as if his very heart was trying to betray him.
He didn’t want to be amused, he didn’t want to be relieved that she was still there in Culver Ridge. He wanted to be miserable. He wanted to nurse his old rejection. He wanted to stop loving her.
“I just wanted to show you that some things never change, just as you said,” she began, and he could see her nervousness as she embarked upon her chosen words. “But not the bad things which need changing. Just the good things that were always best between us.”
“Like tree climbing?” How hard it was not to sound amused.
“Like fun. Like fun of any kind, whether it’s matured as I should have done, or as silly as the day I fell out of that tree at the back of my daddy’s house. It doesn’t really matter what it is, I just know in my heart that I have never shared that feeling with anyone in this world but you.” Her voice wavered a little and he had the awful feeling she might cry.
“Maybe you should get down from there. It’s kind of high,” he said and looked dubiously down at the street below; surely this was the highest Janet had ever climbed, even when she’d been a foolhardy young girl.
“No, not yet. I haven’t finished.”
“Climbing or speaking?” he said and finally chuckled; Lord, she was funny.
“Speaking,” she said. “Because, to be honest, I daren’t go any higher. I’m not real sure I can even get down.” She shrugged.
“So, say what you want to say, Janet.” Jimmy realized suddenly that he wanted to hear it more than anything.
He’d told her the deepest feelings of his own heart and now it was time for her to do the same.
“Jimmy, I’ve already apologized to you, but I know that’s not enough. So, I’ll tell you how it was I ended up here in this tree in a strange town telling the only man I’ve ever loved just why it is I treated him so badly,” she began, still whispering.
Jimmy looked down again and listened intently for any sign that Janet’s antics had woken his landlady. Hearing nothing, he nodded slowly at Janet to continue.
“Everything I’ve done over the last weeks probably made you think that I didn’t love you at all. But I did, and I knew it.”
“Then why, Janet?”
“Because I was so terrified, Jimmy.”
“Terrified of me?”
“No, terrified of losing you.”
“But I love you, Janet, and you knew it. I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“I know that, but that’s not exactly what I mean,” she said and paused for a moment as if to get her thoughts in order. “There’s a kind of leaving that’s different. A kind of losing that isn’t always what you expect.”
“What do you mean?”
“When my ma died, I couldn’t forgive her for leaving me. And I couldn’t admit that I was so angry with her, because she died... it wouldn’t have been fair. Even then, I knew it wasn’t her fault. I knew she’d have stayed with me if she could. But I couldn’t get
rid of that anger because it was sitting on top of a big old pile of fear. And then Grace came along, all kindness and caring, looking after me even when I was at my worst, and the terror just got worse. I didn’t want to love Grace, you see, because I’d loved my ma and it didn’t stop her going. So, if Grace was going to go to, I didn’t want to love her. I didn’t want to feel that pain again, ever.” Holding onto a branch with one hand, she used her free arm to drag the sleeve of her dress across her eyes, stopping her tears in their tracks as best she could.
“Janet, nobody ever knows what’s going to happen,” Jimmy said but knew in his heart that he was finally hearing the truth.
“I know, but that has never made it any easier. It makes it worse, don’t you see? The idea that anybody can be taken from you at any moment. I guess I thought it would be easier to have a different sort of a life, a safer one. A life spent with a man I knew I could never love so much that if I lost him I would be lost too.”
“It’s all right Janet, I understand. I’m coming down to get you out of that tree.”
“No, Jimmy, I haven’t finished,” she said and held her hand out with such ferocity that she wobbled badly, and for an awful moment, Jimmy thought she was about to plummet to the street below.
“All right, all right.” He held his hands out in front of him. “Hurry up, for goodness’ sake.”
“I’m trying to tell you everything that is in my heart, Jimmy Dalton. That sort of thing can’t be rushed,” she said, and he burst out laughing, quickly clapping a hand over his mouth to stifle the noise.
“That’s better, now you’re listening.” She chuckled and went on. “The thing is, Jimmy, I love you more than anybody else in this world and I know I always will. I saw you turn into a man and I knew that I could never be happy with anybody else. You’re just so handsome, such a fine man, and just about the best company I’ve ever had in my life.” The moment of levity had passed, and her voice was thick with emotion once again. “And deep down in my heart I knew that if I ever lost you, I’d be torn to shreds. I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t keep breathing. But I was just afraid, Jimmy, that’s all. I never stopped loving you, even though I tried to deny it to myself. And then guess what happened? I did lose you, didn’t I? The very thing I’d been so scared of all along, I managed to cause with my own fear, my own stupid actions. And let me tell you, the moment I realized you’d gone, I was torn to shreds.”
