“You never hit me, you didn’t throw me out, but you made sure I knew I was dead to you. You kept quiet, because God forbid your friends found out who Great George Steel really was...”
It’s summer and Zach is 18.
He’s leaving for college. The car is packed, and he’s ready to go. Mom is driving him to New York. He didn’t choose California hoping Dad would change his mind. He’s standing in the living room looking at his father.
Dad, I’m leaving. Can we put this silence behind us now? Please?
Nothing.
Daddy?
Blink.
The blank stare of those cold gray eyes and then his father’s back as he walks away.
“You told me I was an utter failure. That I would NEVER amount to anything. You were wrong. I didn’t fail. I graduated, I have a job, apartment, friends... you told me nobody would ever want me. Guess what? You were wrong about that too. I built a life, without you.”
This was the last time he would ever see his father. Could George hear him? Was his spirit there?
“And I really am sorry, Dad. I’m sorry you never accepted me. I’m sorry you missed out on years of knowing your son. I’m sorry you didn’t try. But I will NEVER be sorry for who I am.”
Tears blurred his vision again, and he gripped his father's arm firmly.
“I was a child, and I didn’t understand what was happening. I needed you to love me, guide me, accept ME. I needed you, and you left me alone to fend for myself. You ripped my heart out. I was a part of you and you tore me to pieces.”
Air refused to pass through his lungs, his words coming as gasps.
“But I forgave you. I did, a long time ago. I did it for me, because that hate and hurt was poisoning my entire life. I forgave, but I will never forget.”
He straightened his back and lifted his shoulders.
“I will continue to live my life as me. Goodbye, father. Rest in peace.”
He turned and walked out.
Chapter 5
This is going to be a long, long day.
Rob was standing in the kitchen, staring through the window with a cup of coffee in his hand. He was watching the front yard and the people that kept coming to the house. An endless progression of mourners he didn’t know. Good thing I can stay in the kitchen. His mind was blank while he took deep, even breaths. He had trained himself well. If he let his mind wander on a day like this, it wouldn’t be good. Not at all.
He could hear soft voices through the house while everyone moved slowly, subdued. Like the entire house was inside of a bubble. It was a universal thing. Every house in the world looked and felt like this after...
The sound of shoes scraping on the wooden floor pulled him to the present. He turned around with a ready smile.
“Oh, hi.” Zach tried to stretch his lips, but then just sighed.
“Hello, Zach.” He lifted the hand holding the cup. “Would you like some coffee? Or something to eat?”
“Coffee sounds good, but I’ll get it,” Zach walked to the counter and looked at the drying rack full of cups. Rob was watching him closely. Zach looked at the cups for a moment, then took the red one. Rob knew the green mug belonged to his father. Even today Zach didn’t want to touch it, and after everything he heard from Gerry, Rob really couldn’t blame him.
“You don’t have to serve me, too.” Zach shook his head and poured hot liquid. “So, Mom put you on kitchen duty?”
“I don’t mind.” Rob smiled. “I told Marge I would help and this way she at least doesn’t have to do the dishes. With everything else.”
“Yes.” Zach looked at the floor and then at Rob, “Thank you, Mr. Grayson, really.”
“It’s Rob, please.” Mr. Grayson was long gone, left somewhere far behind.
“Rob, not Bob?”
“No Bob for me, please.” A small, polite smile played at his lips.
“Rob, OK.” Zach pulled out a chair and sat at the table. His shoulders stood high, but Rob noticed that he couldn’t quite still his shaking hands. Rob took a seat next to him. They sat in silence.
“How are you?” What a stupid question to ask.
“I’m fine.” Of course you are.
“I went through this myself, you know?” Let’s try this socializing thing again.
“Marge told me. I’m sorry for your loss, Rob. I really am.”
“Thank you, Zach. It’s been a while.” Rob put his cup on the table. “I know what you’re going through, so if there is anything I—”
“I’m fine.” Zach snapped.
I’m so bad at this. Rob could feel the heat in his cheeks, embarrassed by failing to be normal in these situations once again, feeling like he should have just stayed home. He never could tell when to stop pushing in a conversation, so most of the time he stayed silent. He should’ve kept his mouth shut this time too.
“I’m sorry if I overstepped.” Rob tried to get up, but Zach’s hand on his arm stopped him.
“No, Rob, I’m sorry. Please stay?” His huge gray eyes were pleading. Rob sat back down, but Zach’s hand stayed on his arm.
“I presume you know what kind of relationship I had with my father?” Rob nodded. “Ever since he died, everyone is so focused on me and my reaction to his death, and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. I shouldn’t lash out at people, least of all you. I apologize.”
“There is nothing to apologize for. I understand more than you think.” Rob knew what that was like, the never-ending questions and 'poor Rob' looks. He used to be so angry.
“I know we don’t know each other, and maybe that is exactly what you need.” Zach lifted his chin and cocked his eyebrow. He had George’s eyes, same color, but totally different. They weren’t cold as steel, they were warm and... Rob lost his train of thought.
He cleared his throat.
“If you feel overwhelmed here in the house, come over for a drink. Anytime, Zach. I mean it. I will not ask you questions. We can talk about anything you want or not at all.”
Not talking was his superpower, but Zach didn’t need to know that.
I don’t want to be the neighborhood weirdo.
“Thank you, Rob. That would be nice.” Zach squeezed his arm and let it go.
Gerry slid into the kitchen, interrupting their conversation, and hid left of the doorway.
“Z, I need your help,” she whispered.
“G, what have you done now?” Zach got up and went to his aunt, his coffee forgotten on the table.
“Me? Why is it always my fault?” Gerry pouted.
“Because it is, Gerry...” Zach put his hands on his hips. “What is it this time?”
“Well, I told your mother this isn’t gonna work, but does she listen to me? No.” She peeked around the doorway. “She told that old hag Sylvia to come. Even when I specifically told her not to do that. And now I have to sneak around the house in an attempt to avoid her.”
“Sylvia?” Zach asked.
“Sylvia Ross?” Rob piped.
“Yes.” Gerry slammed her palm against the wall.
“Your ex-girlfriend?” Zach sighed.
“Ex-girlfriend?” Rob choked.
“Yes, Zach.” She turned to Rob and added, “Yes, Zach’s Echo.”
“Oh, God...” Zach started pacing. “I really don’t need this shit today...”
“But...” Rob pulled at his tie. “Never mind.” He turned and walked to the sink. They’d known each other for almost five years. How did he not know this about her?
“Yes, Rob. I’m bisexual. I’ve had a husband, and I also had girlfriends, plural.” She walked to him and pushed him into the chair he had been sitting in earlier. “Is that going to be a problem?” She frowned.
“No,” Rob squeaked, then cleared his throat. “No, of course not.” Why would it be a problem? Rob liked Gerry. Oh! Right. Homophobia. “No problem, Gerry. We’re good.”
“Good.”
She pointed at Zach and then at his chair.
When they
were all gathered around the table, Gerry folded her arms in front of her and leaned in.
“Now,” she whispered, “I need you two to coordinate my movements until the end of this gig.”
Chapter 6
The sun was setting, and the winter shadows were deep, but Rob left the lights off while they sat at the kitchen table. The soft glow illuminated Zach’s head and his hair appeared like liquid gold. His long, slim arms held the glass, but once in a while his muscles would flex and that was mesmerizing for Rob.
It would be so awkward if he knew what I was thinking about. Why am I thinking about that?
“This definitely was not the way I imagined today would go.” Zach took a sip of his drink and leaned on the table.
“I’m still processing it. It’s gonna take a while.” Rob frowned in confusion.
“I cannot apologize enough, man.”
“No.” Rob put his hand on Zach’s arm, then pulled back it fast. “No, it’s not your fault. Besides, there is nothing to apologize for.”
I really should stop touching him. It will be misunderstood.
“Yeah, acting like a superspy for Gerry is exactly the way you wanted your day to go.”
“Well, it was most fun I’ve had in a long ti—” Rob’s head went flying in Zach’s direction. “I’m sorry...I’m so, so, so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I do that sometimes. Always.” Like rambling right now. “And I ramble afterwards. I’m sorr—”
Zach took his hand.
His skin is so soft.
What?!
“Rob, hey, hey... it’s OK. It’s completely understandable. It’s fine.”
Fine. What were we talking about? Oh, yes...
“But that is not an appropriate comment for—”
“It’s fine. You know I don’t mind.” Zach was still holding his hand and his anxiety evaporated.
“I know you don’t, but what if someone else heard me? God, what if I said that in front of Marge?” He thumped his head on the table.
“Don’t do this to yourself. It’s just us here. Just you and me.”
He lifted his head and looked Zach in the eyes. Eye contact came so easy this time.
“Yeah, just you and me.”
“Good.” Zach let go of his hand and Rob missed the touch. He put the glass down. “I should go home.”
“But...” Shut up, Robert.
“I should. It’s been a long and draining day.” A sigh tore from his mouth. “Everyone has left, Marge and Gerry have cleaned up by now, and I’m gonna go sit with them for a while.”
“Of course, yes, you should.” Zach got up and Rob went with him to the front door.
“You are always welcome here, you know that?”
“I know, thank you. And I will probably take you up on that offer.” Zach laughed.
“You do that.”
“Good night, Rob.” Zach shook his hand and looked him in the eyes. It was like a physical itch. So, he looked away.
“Good night, Zach. Get some rest.”
He closed the door and locked it.
This was a weird, long day.
He continued with his evening routine and by the time he got out of the shower, he felt like life was changing again.
“I’ve made a new friend today, Meow.” The cat jumped on his comforter and stretched before nesting at the bottom of the bed. “He is really nice. And God knows I could use someone other than my cat to talk to, once in a while.”
Meow looked at him with clear disdain in his eyes.
“Not that I don’t enjoy our long discussions, but I need to communicate with humans occasionally too.” Rob laughed out loud as he got under the covers.
“I think it will be nice having him here for a while. Although my judgment of character is practically non-existent, I don’t think he would freak out even if he knew.”
Meow got up and stretched again, then laid down beside Rob and put his head on Rob’s leg.
“All right, Prince of Darkness, lights out.” He petted Meow’s head and turned off the lights.
Yup, this will be nice.
Chapter 7
Cold air hit him in the face while he ran through his old neighborhood, but Zach didn’t slow down. He was in so much trouble and he knew it. Even now, he could still feel the aftereffects of his dream. And dreaming about his straight widower neighbor was... just no.
If I met him in New York, things would be different maybe. And if he were gay. But for my brain that’s just a minor inconvenience, obviously.
He sped up. His feet hit the ground hard. This last week of seeing Rob almost every day was Zach’s version of hell. Burning in his muscles did nothing to calm the raging want in his gut. Maybe if he ran all the way to the East Village, the desire would go away. He snorted.
He ran even faster. His lungs were tearing apart. He ran through the empty streets and saw only a green blur. His mind was still in bed, still in that dream, holding the man he shouldn’t even dream about. Why is this happening now? Had he ever reacted to a man this way before? He couldn’t remember.
Dripping sweat was rapidly cooling on his face and torso, so he turned around the corner and headed home. Pneumonia was not his thing.
He sat at the breakfast table after his shower. He hadn’t run that hard and fast in a long time, but the longing inside wasn’t letting go.
“You know,” Marge said, “your old high school is looking for an English teacher.”
She was making pancakes this morning. He took a piece of bacon from the plate.
“You would get the job; all you need to do is apply.” God, same old speech.
“Mom, not that again. I told you, I don’t want to leave New York. I’m happy there.”
Are you?
“Happy? Happy?! Tell me Zach, what exactly are you happy about there?” She rolled her eyes. “A job which you could lose at any moment, that shoe-box apartment you share with Carson, or the string of boyfriends that don’t give a damn about you? Happy! Pfft!”
What?
His gut churned. She always knew where to hit.
“Come on, Marge! Don’t pull any stops. Say what you really mean!” Zach got up and pulled the fridge door open. “Don’t forget the clubs and drugs!” He took milk out, then put it back in and slammed the fridge door.
“You don’t belong there, Zach!” She threw the dish towel on the counter.
“And how would you know that?” He turned on her.
“I’m your mother!” She hit the counter with her hand.
“That makes you an all knowing being?” Zach slammed the cupboard door.
“Yes, it does!” Marge got into his face.
“You are wrong!” Zach fumed.
They stared at each other, their faces only inches apart.
“Stop screaming!” Gerry yelled from the stairs.
Scream and a loud crash broke their stare off.
Marge and Zach ran to the hallway. Gerry, still in her pajamas, was lying on the floor. Her hair was a mess, her right leg was sticking out at a weird angle, and she didn’t move.
God, no!
“G, talk to me!” Zach was on his knees, running his hands over Gerry’s head, shoulders and arms. “Please, God, tell me you’re alive. Please, please....”
“I’m alive,” Gerry mumbled, then cried out, “I think my leg is broken! Ouch!”
Marge tried to help her sit up, but Gerry screamed.
“Don’t move her!” Zach yelled. “Call 911!”
“What is all this screaming?” Rob came through the front door.
“Oh, Rob! Thank God you’re here.” Marge sighed. “Gerry fell down the stairs. We need to take her to the ER!”
“I didn’t fall down the stairs... I slid down the rail.” Gerry grinned.
“You crazy old bat.” Zach smiled.
“Oh, my God. You are insane,” Marge sighed.
“You people need some serious therapy.” Rob rolled his eyes. “Marge, bring my car around.” He tossed her the keys.
“Zach and I will carry her out.”
A few hours later, Zach and Rob were sitting in the waiting room, while Marge and Gerry were in with the doctor.
The chairs were uncomfortable, the air was dry, and it smelled awful. Zach couldn’t focus. His mind kept circling around what ifs.
Rob looked around and squirmed in his chair again. He turned to Zach.
“Do you want coffee or something? I can go get it.” His eyes were jumping from place to place, never settling.
“No, I’m fine.”
“It’s no problem.” Rob stood up.
“Rob, I’m fine. Everything is fine. Don’t worry.” He pulled Rob to sit next to him again. “Gerry will be fine.”
“It’s not fine.” Rob got up and started pacing.
Zach looked at him in confusion. It took him a second.
The hospital.
“I can’t calm down.” Rob pulled at his hair. “I’m... my heart is going to jump right out of my mouth. It’s...”
Zach stood up and reached for Rob.
“Hey, hey...” He hugged him and squeezed him tight. Rob clenched his fists in Zach’s shirt and rested his forehead on Zach’s shoulder. “It’s all right. Breathe, just please breathe, Rob.” He made soothing circles over Robs back. He was giving him peace and borrowing strength. “We’ll go home soon.”
Zach put his face in the crook of Rob’s neck and breathed in. He was trying to match Rob’s deep breaths, but all he managed to do was to inhale his scent. He could almost taste him. Cinnamon and spice and fear. Zach hugged him tighter.
“Hey boys!” Marge called, and they jumped apart. Fuck. She‘s going to think I’m hitting on him. Is he going to think that too?
Zach tried to ignore the cold, vast emptiness where Rob’s warmth was just a moment before. He wanted to feel it again.
“Hey Marge, is... is everything OK?” Rob tried to fix his hair and rumpled shirt.
“Yes, we are all done. They have put the cast on her leg, and they are bringing her here soon so we can go home.” She looked at Rob and squinted her eyes. “Are you all right?”
“Uh, yes, um... I... this is embarrassing. I think I-I had a panic attack. I mean I came here to help you, but Zach ended up calming my crazy.” His cheeks were flushed, and he looked at the floor. “I’m fine now. Your son is psycho whisperer.”
What We Want Page 2
