Well, good morning to you, too! He rubbed his hard on against Rob’s and Rob flinched.
“I’m sorry.” He tried to pull back, but Rob held him tighter.
“I’m not sorry. Just surprised.” Rob blushed.
God, you are adorable.
“Do you want to take a shower?” Rob asked against his ear.
Oh, honey, I don’t need the extra incentive. I’ll say yes to anything you suggest.
“Together?”
“Is there another way?” He felt the smile in Rob’s kiss.
“Absolutely no other way.” Zach smiled back.
“Come on then. I need help only you can provide.” Rob hugged him and rolled his hips.
“Oh, yes.”
They walked into the kitchen holding hands.
“Morning, Meow,” Rob said.
Meow turned on the window bench and looked at them. After a few moments, after he’d completed his evaluation, he jumped down and came to rub against their legs.
“Morning, Meow. You don’t mind I stayed the night?”
“You stole his place,” Rob teased him.
Meow stood on his hind legs, squeezed Zach’s thigh with his front paws, and stretched his butt.
“Come here, we’ll get scarce while Rob figures out how to feed us.” Zach laughed and lifted the cat.
“Lazy little shit,” Rob murmured, but smiling eyes said the truth. “Go sit at the table. I’ll bring you coffee today. Next time it’s your turn.” He turned and started the coffeemaker.
Next time. Meaning this was not one-time gig. Meaning I get to make love to him again. Shit! Meaning things will change.
“Here’s your juice.” Rob held out a glass. “And don’t let him cajole you into letting him on the table.”
Zach caught his hand with the glass.
“You do realize we have to talk.” Rob’s eyes widened, and he nodded.
“We will, later. Please,” Rob begged softly.
“OK. Later.”
Rob’s smile was wide, and he returned to his role of the host.
“What would you like for breakfast?”
“Whatever is easiest. I’m not picky.”
Rob busied himself with assembling sandwiches while Zach cuddled with the cat.
“He’s so soft and fluffy. I adore him.”
Rob snorted. “It’s mutual. He likes you better than he likes me.”
Rob brought plates and cups with coffee. He put them down, pulling the plates apart and setting them symmetrically at the same distance from the edge of the table, the cups with coffee on the right with handles turned away from the plates. He stopped, looked at it from different angles, and then nodded. Then he sat across from Zach and gave Meow a saucer with diced ham.
“You have spoiled him.”
“He’s my little prince of darkness, and he’s—” A car engine revved and Rob’s head shot up. “We’re just in time.”
“In time for what?” Zach looked out the window.
“Well, you never came here for breakfast, so you don’t know about my morning routine.”
“Morning routine?”
“Yeah, neighbor watching.” Rob looked at his hands, his cheeks flushed. “I do this every morning. Sit here and watch other people live their lives. All these neighbors I never actually talk to.”
Rob’s cheeks got even darker, and he rushed to explain.
“It’s an Asperger’s thing... routines that is. I need them, they calm me down.” He looked Zach in the eyes. “I’m not some kind of stalker or—”
Zach grabbed his hands.
“Of course you’re not. That never crossed my mind.” He smiled. “I know you need them. I understand.”
Rob sighed and nodded.
“Yes, you do.” Weird expression crossed Rob’s face. “You always do.”
“Tell me about this morning routine.”
And Rob did. Between bites of sandwich, he told him everything. Zach listened to the man he was falling in love with. How did this happen? How did they get here?
I want this. Every morning for the rest of my life. To wake up in his arms. To sit with him and listen to him babble. To see that smile and to know it’s for me. Forgetting him now would be impossible, even if I wanted to.
Zach took a sip of his coffee and nodded at Rob. He was still talking. Zach reached out and took his free hand while he continued to listen.
Is this what real love feels like? How can I feel afraid and at peace at the same time? And when exactly is he going to freak out? Or is he just going to ghost me? After last night... he now has the power to kill me.
“Rob?” Zach squeezed his hand.
“Yes.” Rob stopped talking.
“I need to know. Please.”
“Let’s go outside.” Rob got up suddenly and walked through the back door. Zach followed him.
“Sit here with me.” Rob showed him to the other half of the loveseat. “I need you to be close for this. I need to be touching you or I’ll fall apart.”
Oh, Rob...
Zach sat next to him and took his hands.
“Talk to me, honey.” Zach kissed his knuckles. Rob swallowed.
“I never thought it would come to this. I never, in a million years...” Rob trailed off and shook his head.
“It’s OK.” He kissed him. “How did we get here?”
“Can you trust me without explanations?”
Zach shook his head.
“I didn’t think so...”
Zach opened his mouth to say something, but Rob stopped him.
“I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t know. It never crossed my mind.” Rob sighed. “I thought we were just friends. I thought you were becoming my new best friend. I mean, I still want you to be my best friend, but not just my friend. I...”
“I understand. It’s OK.” Zach kissed his cheek.
“Thank you.” Rob couldn’t look him in the eyes. “I must have blocked it a long time ago.”
“Blocked what?”
“My brain sometimes blocks things I don’t understand, and back then I didn’t understand a lot of things. Like genders. Genders were always hazy for me.”
“Hazy?”
“Yes. To me people are people.” He shrugged. “Gender-wise they are equal. Always were.”
“That is progressive. And fair.” Zach nodded.
“But not helpful in me getting to know myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I suppressed this in the eighties.” Rob looked at him.
“Eighties?” What the hell does that have to do with anything?
“I was about 10 years old when the AIDS crisis exploded. When shit hit the fan, I was nearing puberty. Everywhere around me people lived in fear.” Rob shuddered and Zach hugged him. Now I can.
“I understand...”
“That? I’m sorry, but that you don’t understand. You don’t know what it was like. Panic. Demonstrations. People begging to be heard but ignored on every corner. You might have read about it, but I lived it. I was this genius child; I didn’t understand my own body, but I understood politics, unfortunately. Thanks to the outside world, my sexuality was never questioned. I had to be straight. There was no other choice. My autistic brain denied any other possibility. Everyone I knew had homophobic opinions. So, I could not possibly be the unnatural abomination they were talking about, not on top of already being autistic outcast.”
Zach's heart was bleeding. He knew how special needs children were treated even today. Back then it must have been awful. He caressed Rob's cheek and kissed him.
“I didn’t know how AIDS was contracted,” Rob continued. “Sex was this philosophical thing. It was different then; children were children, we didn’t have internet to find out about stuff. So, rumors circulated, rumors that you could get AIDS just by being next to the person on a subway or that gays were automatically getting it when they decided to be gay.”
“Decided...”
“Yeah, that
opinion just doesn’t want to die,” Rob snorted.
“Mhm.”
“And so, in high school I dated a few girls. Nothing serious, but I thought I was just that type, you know? It would happen one day. Maybe if there was a boy I liked... maybe I would have thought twice about it. Then when I went to college, I met Rachel. She was my friend. It was an easy relationship. I never thought of another person, male or female. She got pregnant after college and we got married. Then she lost the baby.” Tears rolled down Rob’s cheeks and Zach kissed his hand.
He wanted to know, but at the same time he wanted Rob to stop talking. The man he was in love with was hurting and he couldn't take the pain away. His heart was breaking for Rob and the woman he never met. He wasn't jealous of her. He was thankful that Rob had someone to love him just the way he was.
“It was hard. After a while we tried again, but it wasn’t happening. We got lucky almost 10 years later with Amy.” A watery smile spread over his face. Zach smiled through his own tears. “We were friends, the sex was good, and I was busy working. I saw men, attractive men, but even when I would meet a good-looking guy, it was like — I acknowledge your good looks but that is normal, right? Now I see that for what it really was. I was blind. I was stupid.”
“You are not stupid. Will you stop saying that?”
“Intellectually, I am not. But emotionally...” Rob shook his head. “And that almost cost me you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I needed a kick in the ass. It was your date with Amazing David.”
“Oh, God...” Zach gasped. “You were jealous.”
“Am. I am jealous. That nothing happened is beside the point. I hate the guy.”
“Honey, you have no reason to be jealous.”
“I know. Still hate him, though.”
Zach cradled his face and kissed him. “I’m sorry, honey. I truly am sorry you had to go through that. And I’m sorry you denied yourself all these years.”
“I didn’t know, and that is a good thing. If I had known and had to hide, I would have died.”
“You don’t have to hide anymore.” Zach hugged him and Rob flinched. “What?”
“You can never ask me to lie.”
“What?”
“It literally causes me physical pain.”
“OK, no lying, no hiding.” Is he saying what I think he is? “So, do you want to do this?”
Zach looked at Rob. A range of emotions played on his beautiful, expressive face. Want. Fear. Need. Want.
Please, honey, please. Don’t pull back now.
“I do.”
Zach exhaled.
Chapter 28
Zach was putting finishing touches on the kitchen paint job. He turned around and took everything in. It was still the kitchen of his childhood, but it looked completely different now. Now he saw Rob everywhere, in every spot, in the light purple color, and in every single corner of his life.
God, was it only yesterday? My whole life changed in a single night. He knew that shouldn’t surprise him, but... damn.
He walked through the hallway and up the stairs. Opening doors, one by one, memories flooded him. Good and bad, his life up to this point. Soon this house would have other owners and someone else would build a future in it. Hopefully, a better one.
A familiar ringtone sounded from his pocket as he entered the kitchen again.
“Hey, little brother.”
“Hello, my baby.” Carson’s happy voice made him smile.
“Wassup?”
“Can you believe we finished cleaning and renovating the lab?! Finally!” Carson groaned.
“That’s good news, right?”
“Duh! I can take a couple of days off now and come see ya!” He blew him kisses over the phone.
Now?!
“Uh, speaking of news...”
“What did you do, Zachary?” No one could go from ecstatic to stern quite so fast as Carson.
“Why do you always assume I did something?”
“Because it’s usually the truth. Spill!”
“I went out with Rob last night,” Zach muttered.
“What?!”
“Just a dinner, nothing special. Or so I thought...”
“But?” Zach could practically see him tapping his shoe.
“I’m falling in love with him, Carson.” Zach slid down the wall. “I’m falling in love with him and I’m terrified.” He put his head in his hand and sighed.
“Tell me everything.”
After the call he felt lighter. It was nice to share it all with someone. He was grateful for having Carson in his life. Zach still didn’t know where this thing with Rob was going, but he’d be damned if he ran from it now. He had been running from the Gabe’s of the world for more than a decade. It was time to stop.
I have two months to find out if this has any future whatsoever. I can’t uproot my whole life to be somebody's dirty little secret or a toy.
Hand came up to his waist, and he jumped.
“Jesus! Man, are you insane?!”
“Sorry...” A so-not-sorry smile spread over Rob’s face.
“Jesus...” Zach breathed hard, trying to lower his heart rate. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“You seemed a little out of it. Thinking again?”
“Mhm...” How do I even approach the subject? “How did your consulting gig go?”
Smooth, change the topic. What happened to not running from it?
“It was long.” Rob came up to him. “And boring.” He put his arm around Zach. “And I had better things to do...” His lips skimmed Zach’s ear lobe.
This is going to kill me.
His body reacted immediately. His skin tingled and his palms itched... and now he didn’t have to suppress it.
He grabbed Rob’s head and fused their mouths together. It was insane how this man made him feel. As soon as he touched him, the world faded away. It was all about sensations now, how his body fit with Rob’s, how his hands knew exactly where to go, the perfect angle for a kiss, the soft touch of fingers...
So, it was true after all, that story about the stars. And the two of them were once again one star. At last.
His ass bumped against the kitchen island and Rob laughed. Zach grabbed his chin and kissed him hard once more.
“I will never finish the job with you here.” He grinned looking at those shiny green eyes.
“Do you want me to go?” Rob smirked, that smug bastard.
“Don’t you dare.” Zach locked his arms around Rob’s torso. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Since this morning?” There was that smirk again.
“Oh, honey, do you know how long ago that was?” he nuzzled Rob’s cheek. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve wanted you since then?”
“I’m not sure I do...” Rob kissed his cheek, just next to his mouth.
“Oh, I’ll show you...” Zach pulled Rob’s shirt off over his head.
Pure, unadulterated happiness spilled from Rob’s smile.
“I was hoping you would...”
“If we continue like this, we will never finish this remodeling.” Zach sighed and picked up a paint brush from the floor.
Rob came up to him and touched his face. “We will. Painting the kitchen is done and I’ll fix the cabinets this afternoon. The living room is done. Don’t worry.”
Zach kissed him.
“I would be lost without you.” Rob made him feel like the damsel in distress sometime. He didn’t know what to think about that.
“No, you wouldn’t,” Rob laughed.
“Seriously, I would pick the wrong color, then I would need to repaint it. And it would take much, much longer.”
“I’m happy to do this for you. Even if it means you leaving sooner.” Rob’s face fell. He quickly turned away from Zach.
“Hey, hey...” Zach pulled him back. “I’m not leaving yet.”
“I know.” Rob breathed out.
Change the topic. Now.
“Is he coming?” Rob’s wide smile was contagious.
“No. I told him about, uh, you and me, us... I told him about us.”
“Oh.” His face fell again.
“Was I wrong?” Please, don’t tell me you want me in the closet.
“No, no, no... I’m actually glad you did. What did he say? How did he react?” The smile was back.
“Well, surprised would be an understatement.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
“He said we need this time for ourselves and he’s not going to bother us.”
“Smart guy.” Rob hugged him and rubbed his nose against Zach’s. “I like him.”
“Figures.”
Chapter 29
The light in the bar was dimmed, giving the appearance of intimacy, but the music was almost deafening. The crowds gathered around the pool tables were getting louder and louder with every beer. Everything was irritating. Rob’s senses were shot already, and the surroundings weren’t helping at all. Small talk was not his forte in normal situations, and now it was impossible for him to even pretend to be normal.
Should I ask him? Or maybe not... it’s early, right? It’s been two weeks. He’s gonna think I’m clingy, needy... but I need to know. God, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know how to do this. I’m too old.
“Earth to Rob.” Zach touched his face.
“Right here.” Rob hated the anxiousness that was making him want to flinch away from Zach's touch.
“You know, you seem lost in thought more often than not when you’re with me. Anything you want to talk about?”
I have to know. Now.
Rob leaned on the table. His insides gripped by fear were trembling.
“I want to ask you something, but I’m scared.” Rob chewed his bottom lip, his left leg jumping under the table.
“Out with it.” Zach waved his hand.
Rob's heart was beating like crazy and he could start hyperventilating at any moment now. I have to know. He took a deep breath.
“Are you going to take the job? Teaching.” Rob looked at him without blinking.
Zach’s shoulders dropped, and he looked down.
“I don’t know. That is too complicated to answer right now.”
Fuck. Sure. Complicated. I should have known.
What We Want Page 10
