“I don’t—”
“Shut up and listen. It’s different when you fall in love with a man. Your feelings, perception, body reactions, everything... You’re learning the hard way now, but you have to learn. All of this is worth it if you think he’s your second chance.”
“You don’t understand; it doesn’t matter. He will never forgive me.”
“I have two ex-wives and one ex-husband. When shit hit the fan, everyone saw trials and divorce settlements; everyone saw what happened outside. But nobody knew how I felt. Nobody knew how that broke me. Giving yourself to someone is scary, but not everyone is going to break you. I still believe that I will find someone to spend my life with. Someone who will care more about me than about my money and what I can give them. Maybe it’s a dream, but I need that dream to survive. You found it. You can have it if you pull your head out of your ass in time.”
Marc picked him up and put a tissue in his hand.
“You are going to fix this now.”
He turned Rob and pushed him to the door.
“Go and get him. I’ll sleep here and be gone in the morning.”
As Rob opened the door, headlights crossed the front of his house and the sound of screeching tires wailed with him.
“He left.”
Chapter 33
Rain was splashing on his windshield. It figures it would rain tonight; the weather going his way like everything else in his life.
Zach was driving through empty streets, screaming and hitting the wheel. Why does stuff like this keep happening to me? His heart hurt and his hands were shaking. Humid air was seeping into the car. I didn’t need this. I didn’t deserve this. Everything was finally coming together for him. Life was everything he’d dreamed of, and now it was over.
He was going to the shore, to the same place he went when he was a kid.
Blackstone Park. Gerry used to take him there in the summer. They would walk and sit in the shade. She would pick a book for the week and then they would sit down and take it apart. She taught him to love the language. She taught him to love. Period.
When he came out to her, she picked gay authors, history books, and articles. LGBT history, pink triangles, marches, the AIDS epidemic. “You need to know what happened, so you never let it happen again. This is your history; these are the people that came before you.” She told him one more thing: “When you’re lost, go back to the start.”
He had to find his way again. This had to end.
He parked his car on River Road. The wind was stronger here and rain was wiping the sides of the car, shaking it violently. Like Zach. What am I going to do now?
His phone vibrated against his leg. Zach jumped in the silence of the car.
What more do you want? I don’t care what you have to say, Rob!
He pulled the phone and looked at the screen.
Oh...
“Mom—” A sob tore out of his chest. “Mom...”
“Zach! Honey, what happened? Zach?” Marge’s panicked voice was tiny in the empty space of his car cabin.
“Mom, I...he didn’t want me after all...”
“Who? What? Zach, what the hell is happening over there?”
“I fell in love with him and he just...” Another sob. “It’s over.”
Tears rolled down his face. He hated these tears. They meant that he was a failure once again.
“Honey, who hurt you?”
“Rob.”
He told her everything. She was quiet and didn’t interrupt him, but when he got to the end, she stopped him.
“You hurt him first.”
“What? How can you say that?!”
“He did something with you for the first time in his life. He’s scared. You didn’t have to give him forever at once, but you didn’t have to enunciate temporary every chance you got either.”
“I’m scared, too.”
“I know. Love is scary, terrifying, but you can’t treat people like shoes. You can’t go and be like ‘Hey, you’re cute, I’ll try you on for a while’.”
“I didn’t...” He felt the bottom falling out from under him. “I did that to him.”
“Yes,” Marge sighed. “He is special, you know. He is not like other people.”
“I know.”
“You had students like him, and you always treated them with respect. You were their favorite teacher.”
“I forgot.”
“You forgot what?”
“I never saw him differently, that was never in my focus. I knew there would be a meltdown at some point. I just forgot.” He thumped his head on the wheel.
“They are a part of his life.”
“I know...” Zach moaned. “I should have been there for him. If I wanted to be with him, I should have helped him and not made it worse. I told him I understand him and then I walked all over him because I forgot.”
“And what are you going to do about that?”
“He wouldn’t want to speak to me now.”
“Are you sure about that? I think he’s as sorry as you are right now.”
“I probably should apologize to him.”
“You definitely should apologize to him.”
“Yes.” He looked out of the window. The rain had almost stopped, and street sparkled under the lights. If he takes me back, I’ll never let this happen again. His heart was pushing itself from his ribs, sobs were tearing him inside out. For a stupid mistake, he could lose everything he’d ever dreamed of.
“Mom?”
“Yes, honey?”
“You don’t mind, do you?”
“Mind what?”
“Rob and me. If he forgives me, I’ll take that job and move here to be close to him. You’re OK with us being together, here, out?”
“Now you’re talking nonsense.”
“Mom?”
“I’ll be the proudest mother that ever was. Promise.”
“Thank you. And you won’t be dancing the ‘I told you so’ dance?”
“That I cannot promise,” Marge snorted.
“I thought so, but I had to try,” Zach laughed.
“What are you going to do now?”
The muscles in his arms contracted, followed by a full body shiver. He was so cold now, and it had nothing to do with the rain.
“I’ll go and talk to him.” Zach gasped. “Oh my God... Marc is there too. I was such a bitch to him.”
“You most certainly were.”
“I’ll have to apologize to him, too.”
“Everything will be fine, honey. You’ll see. You two just need to talk. I’m so happy for you. I knew you’d find your man someday. And I’m really glad that it’s Rob.”
“I am happy with him, Mom. I now know what you meant all those times you yelled at me.”
“I’m glad you finally realize that.” Marge snapped her fingers. “OK, go now. Go apologize.”
“It’s not something I’m looking forward to. But I was wrong, and I want him back.”
“Go. Go get your man.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Zach. Call me tomorrow.”
“Will do.”
He started the car and turned it around. The rain had stopped. Maybe Marge was right; maybe everything would be good.
I can’t live without him. Not now, when I know what’s it like to be loved by him. To be the center of his world.
He was driving down the Blackstone Boulevard and turned left on Lloyd Avenue. The rain had left puddles, and the air smelled fresh. He opened the window and breathed in the ozone, but the cold wind hit him in the face, so he closed it again.
What would happen now? Where was he going to live? He needed to plan this.
The summer was almost here. Maybe he could bring Rob to the park and bring the laptop. Times had changed. Now Zach could teach Rob some history. Or they could just make out on a picnic blanket.
He came to the intersection and turned left on Prospect.
What do I say? How do I s
tart? He would just park the car and go straight to Rob. Never mind if Marc was there. He would apologize and ask him to leave them to talk.
What if Marc made a move on Rob? No, no. He would have done so by now if he wanted to.
He stopped at the stop sign on intersection with Bowen St.
Kiss and make up. Zach smiled and drove. I’ll tell him I love him every day for the—
Headlights hit his face from the alley on the right, followed by the sound of screeching tires.
Zach hit the brakes, but it was futile.
“Rob, I’m so sorry.”
Rob’s eyes were the last thing he saw before his head hit the side window and darkness took him.
Chapter 34
“Maybe you should call him?” Marc was sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on a fruit salad.
“I don’t think so. He probably wouldn’t even answer.” Rob put a tea bag in his mug and switched on the kettle. “I’ll hear him when he comes home, and I’ll go over there.”
“So, you’ll sit and wait for him?”
“Yes, I’ll be in the living room. The guest room is ready for you. I couldn’t fall asleep now even if I wanted to.”
“OK, thanks, I will—” The shrill sound of the phone ringing interrupted him.
Rob went to the living room and picked up his phone from the coffee table.
“It’s Marge...” His heart beat faster, and he glanced at the clock; it was almost midnight. Cold sweat slid down his back.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Rob. It’s me, Marge,” she blurted.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Right, of course you do.” She sounded absent minded and there were voices in the background. “Listen, I need your help.”
“OK, anything, just say it.” His voice was trembling. This is not good.
“I just got the call from the hospital—”
“No—”
“—Zach had an accident—”
“No, God, please no...”
“—Rob, listen to me. Rob?”
“No, no, no, please...”
Zach, please, not you too, please...
The phone fell from his hand and hit the floor with a silent thump. Rob bent in half and fell on the sofa. Next to him was the pillow that Zach had been holding just a few hours ago. Zach. He took the pillow and buried his face in it. It still smelled like him.
My Zach. My beautiful man.
“No!” I can’t lose him, no, it’s not true, it can’t be true. He is fine. This is a mistake. Please, come back, please, please, come back to me...
His body wanted to shut down.
Marc was talking. Rob looked up and saw him holding the phone. No, Marge, Zach, no, no, no...
“Yes, Marge, don’t worry, I’ll handle that,” Marc was saying. “Mhm, no problem.” He looked at Rob. “Yes, I’ll take care of him. Yeah, fine.” He was nodding and pacing around the living room. “Consider that done. OK, nice hearing you too. Bye, Marge.” He put the phone down.
Nice hearing you? Nice...
“Nice hearing you?!” Rob screamed. “What the fuck is nice about Zach dy—” He choked on another scream.
Marc took his face in his hands and squeezed.
“Enough!” He looked straight into Rob’s eyes. “Zach is not dead. Not. Dead.”
“Not?”
He’s not dead.
“No. He is in the hospital, and he had an accident. They called Marge, and she told them she’s out of town, so she put you on the list.”
He’s not dead. He’s alive. God, thank you, thank you...
“You’re his next of kin now.” Marc smiled.
“I am?” Rob was shaking all over. “I am.”
“You are. And now we’re going to the hospital.” Marc let him go and went to grab their jackets.
“Where are your car keys?”
“In my jacket.”
“OK. I’ll drive you and leave you there, then I’m going to call a cab to take me to the airport.”
Chapter 35
They had been driving for a long time. Or not. Rob couldn’t be sure. The streets were familiar and utterly unrecognizable all at once. He just couldn’t get out of his own head. Where were they? Where were they going? Figuratively and literally.
Marc was driving down Dudley Street. It was night again. Rob had been here before. Not here in this spot, but here. The car stopped and the view through the windshield was devastating.
“Oh, God...”
Red brick and vast expanses of glass. White lab coats and scrubs. It could have been the same hospital, the same night...he was here again for someone he loved. He could feel his heart stopping, skipping, then beating again. Every cell in his body fought against this. The need to escape this car, the need to run away, the need to never, ever come near a hospital again was all he felt.
Will I ever be free?
He saw Rachel and Amy as they were the morning they left for their field trip. Smiling and happy. Rob kissed them both and told them he loved them. The car drove away.
The next time he saw the car, it wasn’t the car. It was like a torn piece of paper crumpled and thrown to the side of the road.
The next time he saw Rachel and Amy... his beautiful little girl. He had wanted to hug them, but they wouldn’t let him. They took him out of the room.
This building wasn’t the same, but it might as well have been. They were all the same.
Inside was, once again, someone he loved. He was a captive of his greatest fear.
“We need to go inside.” Marc took his hand and pulled him out of the car. “You need to take care of him now, Rob. You can’t be like this.”
Rob just kept blinking at him.
“Robert, your boyfriend needs you. Now.”
Boyfriend. My boyfriend. I never said the word out loud. I don’t deserve him.
“Yes, I’m here. I’m fine.”
“Yeah, fine, my ass...” Marc mumbled.
“I’ll be better when I see him and know for sure you’re not lying to me.”
Marc, the bastard, laughed at him.
The elevator stopped, and the doors slid open. Straight ahead was long, circular counter with a couple of nurses. People moved around with obvious purpose, but to Rob nothing made sense. Bright lights were hurting his eyes and the noise from the loudspeaker was annoying him. Still, he welcomed the commotion. This time it wasn’t silence and pitiful glances from the morgue staff.
I should feel lucky. I would be lucky if I never stepped foot in the hospital again.
Rob approached the nurse’s station and put his palms flat on the surface of the counter. His vision couldn’t focus; everything around him was blurry.
“Can I help you?” a nurse asked him. She was practically a teenager still and her smile was dazzling and genuine. In the years to come, Rob knew she would go numb and cynical, and her smile would become part of her uniform. Rigid and fake.
“Yes, I’m here for Zachary Steel. He was in a car accident.” The words cut deeper than bone, words he never thought he would say again.
“And you are?”
“Rob, Robert Grayson. I am on the list.” I hope I am.
“Let me see,” she said as her fingers flew over the keyboard. “Mhm, yes, we have Zachary Steel. He is with the doctor right now. His mother said she is out of town when we called. So, you are the friend she said would come to pick him up.”
“Boyfriend,” Rob mumbled.
“Sorry?” She leaned forward and squinted. Rob cleared his throat.
“I said boyfriend. I’m his boyfriend, not his friend.” His heart was going to jump right out of his mouth. “I mean I am a friend, too. Just not just a friend. I’m a boyfriend, too.” He stopped. “Yeah, boyfriend.”
The nurse smiled at him.
“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute. You guys are so cute—”
“Are his injuries cute, too?” Oh, God, what are you doing? She won’t let you see him now...
But when
he looked at her, she was staring at him with her mouth open and her face seemed two shades redder than her hair.
“I’m sorry, so sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. Please, forgive me.”
“It’s fine. I just want to see my boyfriend.”
See, see how it flows more easily every time you say it? Say it again.
“I need to see my boyfriend.” Oh, yeah... “He needs me right now. Can you tell me where my boyfriend is?” Rob, my man, you are on a roll.
“Of course.” She came around the counter and extended her hand toward the hallway on the right. “This way. Follow me, please.”
He nodded then hurried after her, trying to match her brisk walk. For a moment, it was a different hallway and a different time, but Rob caught himself. No. Not going there.
The nurse stopped and turned around, a phone beeping in her hand.
“I need to go, but Mr. Steel is in that room on the left.”
“Thank you,” Rob said.
“Once again, I’m very sorry.”
He just nodded, already too focused on other things.
One step. Two. The smooth surface of the door was cool under his touch. No sound came through. He leaned his forehead on the door.
What are his injuries? She didn’t tell me anything... how will he survive if he cannot run again? I will do whatever it takes. I will give him the world; I just want him back. No matter what.
People were talking. They were paging Doctor Harrison over the speakers, someone was crying.
Focus.
All the sounds surrounding him faded away as he pushed the door and walked in.
Chapter 36
Zach was in a world of pain. His brain was trying to pulse its way out of his skull through his temple. I’m such a cliche. My whole life is one giant cliche.
He was sitting on an exam table and he was cold. It was a small office, just the table, and a desk covered in files and papers. A mess. Doctor Nunez was a short, chubby guy, probably 10 years overdue for retirement.
Rain was hitting the windows hard, and the tapping made his head hurt more. If he wasn’t watching his right wrist, he would have sworn it had a knife through it. No, they bandaged it, nothing sticking out. The pain, though, was real.
What We Want Page 13
