“Please, don’t, Celie. I know you’d like to do something to make things better, but that’s not possible. I’m sure Jonah told you what I overheard.”
“He told me. He also told me there was more that you didn’t hear. Things that would have explained what you did hear.”
“What I heard was clear enough. I don’t need anyone to paint a rosy tint on what was very clear.”
“If you’d just allow Jonah to explain, I’m sure you wouldn’t—”
“When do you expect your husband to return?” Amanda asked, desperate to change the subject. “Will he be gone long?”
Celie shook her head. “He should be back yet today. He sent word that he was leaving London this morning.”
“Good. I want to say goodbye before I leave. And thank him again for everything he did to help me. I doubt I would be here if he hadn’t come to my rescue.”
“Do you know why he was called to London?”
Amanda looked surprised. “No. Is something wrong?”
Celie led Amanda to a bench overlooking a bed of blooming rhododendrons. She sat. Amanda sat next to her.
“I don’t know,” Celie answered, but the look on her face indicated her worry. “Jonah received a letter from a close acquaintance of ours…of Hadleigh’s actually…saying that my brother was not well.”
A stirring of concern churned inside her. “Sterling’s ill? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You made it quite clear that you didn’t want Hadleigh’s name mentioned in your presence.”
“Yes, but this is different. If he’s ill… If he needs help…” Guilt swelled within her. What kind of friend was she that Celie hadn’t felt that she could discuss her brother’s wellbeing? Even more importantly, if Hadleigh was ill, who was taking care of him? Who was making sure he received the proper attention?
As if someone knew her questions needed answers, the Earl of Haywood appeared on the path. He neared them with a determined step, as if he was in a hurry to see his wife again. Or as if he was in a hurry to share the news he’d discovered in London. The frown on his face indicated the news he had to share was not good.
One wave of panic after another consumed her.
“Darling,” Jonah said when he reached his wife. He pulled her into his embrace and held her close.
“What did you discover, Jonah? How is Hadleigh?”
Haywood looked at Amanda, then held out his arm for his wife to take. “If I might have a word with Celie, Amanda?”
“No, please. Celie told me that Hadleigh is ill. I need to know what’s wrong. I need to…”
She stopped. She didn’t know what she needed, other than to hear that he was all right. That what ailed him wasn’t serious.
“Are you sure?” Haywood asked.
“Yes, of course I’m sure.”
“You may not like what you’re about to hear.”
Celie turned to face her husband. “Jonah? What is it?”
Haywood gave his wife a quick hug, then led her to the bench. He indicated Amanda should sit, too.
“I’m afraid Hadleigh is in a decline.”
Celie reached for her husband’s hand. “A decline? Why would he be in a decline? Is he ill? Does he have some illness that the doctors can’t cure?”
“No, Celie. It isn’t that kind of decline. It seems he hasn’t drawn a sober breath since…” Haywood shifted his gaze to where Amanda sat. “…since Lady Amanda left London.”
Amanda clutched her hands in her lap and gripped her fingers until they ached. This was her fault. She was responsible for his decline. For his abuse of alcohol.
Celie bolted to her feet. “No! That can’t be. Hadleigh would never drink to excess. He hardly ever drinks, let alone overindulges.”
“He does now. As well as gambles to excess, and angers easily. He has been thrown out of his clubs on more than one occasion, and arrives at every social event less than sober.”
Amanda pressed her fist against her stomach. This couldn’t be. Hadleigh would never make himself such an object of ridicule.
“No,” Celie cried out. “This isn’t like him. Why? Why would he ruin his name like that? Did you talk to him, Jonah? Did you ask him what he was doing?”
“I tried, but I got nowhere. He kept repeating some nonsense about being perfect. That he needed to show them he wasn’t perfect.”
“What does he mean he isn’t perfect? Of course he isn’t perfect. Anyone who knows him realizes that.”
“He evidently believes he is and he needs to prove that he isn’t.”
Amanda thought she would be ill. Even though Celie and Haywood didn’t understand what Hadleigh was talking about, she did. She’d driven Hadleigh to this. By refusing to believe him, she’d driven him to prove how imperfect he was.
“I need to borrow a carriage,” she said, swiping at the tears that refused to keep from spilling down her cheeks. “Now. This very minute.”
“Are you sure, Amanda?” Haywood asked. “Where are you going?”
“To London. I need to go to him.”
“It’s late. You’ll be lucky to arrive before nightfall.”
“That doesn’t matter. I need to leave now.”
Amanda was already halfway down the path to the house. “Please. Please. I need to leave.”
“Do you want us to come with you?” Celie asked, trying to keep up with her.
“No. Come in a few days if you must. I’ll send word. But let me handle this. I know how.”
She hurried her footsteps. “At least I pray I know how.”
CHAPTER 24
Today had been a day exactly like yesterday. Except he couldn’t exactly remember yesterday, so he wasn’t quite sure. Hadleigh smiled. She’d be surprised. She thought he was perfect, but if she saw him now, she’d know he was far from a dukely paragon. In fact, she’d realize he was more flawed than any man she could compare him to.
Sterling refilled his glass and took another swallow. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d consumed so much liquor. He’d never been particularly fond of it. But the taste had grown on him over the past month. So had the effect it produced. Over-imbibing erased a multitude of haunting memories he otherwise wouldn’t be able to shove from his mind.
He dropped his head back against the leather of the chair where he sat behind his desk and shut his eyes. He didn’t close them often—except, of course when he drank enough to lose consciousness—because she appeared when he did. Sometimes she looked as she had when he’d held her in his arms and waltzed with her. Sometimes she was sitting beneath a shade tree in his garden. Sometimes she was naked, lying beneath him when they made love.
Those were the times he treasured most, and regretted reliving most. They were the most painful times to remember, because he knew he would never have them again. He would never—”
“Hadleigh?”
He heard her voice. This was the first time she’d spoken to him when he dreamt of her.
“Hadleigh?”
He opened one eye just a peek. “’llo, Amanda,” he slurred, knowing that no matter how real she seemed, she wasn’t really there. She’d walked out of his life. He knew she’d never return. “I’ve never imagined you in that gown. Have I sheen it before?”
“No, Hadleigh. I don’t believe you have.”
“That’sh why, then.” He took another swallow of the liquor in his glass and closed his eyes again. “I’m glad you came,” he said on a sigh.
“Are you? Why?”
“So you can shee what you’ve reduced me to. Although I consider it deucedly unfair that you are allowed to haunt me, but I’m forbidden to ever shee you again.”
“That is unfair of me, isn’t it?”
“Totally.”
“Why are you doing this, Hadleigh?”
“Wha…?”
“Drinking yourself to an early grave.”
“Why?”
“Yes, why?”
He smiled. “You know,” he slurred. “You kn
ow.”
“You have much to live for, Hadleigh. You have—”
He held out his palm to stop her words, but his hand quickly fell to his lap with a limp plop. “Don’t argue.”
He didn’t like the turn Amanda’s visit was taking. He slid his chair forward and propped his elbows on the top of the desk. When he was steady, he took another drink from his glass.
“You know what?” he asked, although a voice inside him told him he must be crazy to be talking to someone who wasn’t there.
“No, what?”
“I love you.”
The voice didn’t answer, so he said the words again.
“I love you. I love you. I…”
He lifted his glass and took another drink.
“I love you, too,” the voice answered.
He swallowed the liquor in his mouth and smiled. “I know you do, Amanda. You wouldn’t have given yourself to me if you didn’t.” He breathed a deep sigh. “But I have only words to prove... Only words.”
He reached for the bottle on the corner of the desk. It wasn’t there. He looked around, but couldn’t see it anywhere. When he lifted his arm to drain the last contents of his glass, his glass was gone, too.
“What the…”
“Come, Hadleigh,” the voice said, then sturdy hands wrapped around his arm and pulled him up.
“Where are we going?” he asked, knowing he’d go anywhere Amanda took him.
“Upstairs. To your bed.”
His smile broadened. How many times had he relived taking Amanda to his bed? How many times had he relived having her beneath him? How many times hadn’t he relived the nights she’d wrapped her arms around him while he’d buried himself in her warmth? Yes, he was eager to relive those memories again.
He rose from his chair and walked out into the foyer. Barkley appeared to assist him, and together, they made their way up the stairs and to his room.
Barkley remained, and with his valet’s help, they got him into bed. Only when the room seemed quiet, was he brave enough to open his eyes and look to see if his vision was still there.
“Are you going to leave me now?” he asked when he saw her in a chair at his bedside.
“No. I won’t leave you.”
The relief he felt was unimaginable. He closed his eyes, then opened them to make sure his vision hadn’t disappeared.
“Will you be here when I wake?”
“Yes, Your Grace. From now on, I’ll be here every day when you wake.”
He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
. . .
Amanda sat by his bedside while his sleeping ranged from resting fitfully, to being violently ill, to sleeping like the dead. More than once she rose from her vigil to calm his thrashing, to wipe the perspiration from his face, to anchor his shoulders against the bed while he shook uncontrollably.
He had slept for three days, and during that time he had talked to her often, but each time it seemed as if he wasn’t talking to a real person, but to a vision he’d imagined in his dreams.
She found that she enjoyed their conversations when he was imagining that she was there. She knew it was unfair, but he answered her questions more honestly when he thought he was talking to an Amanda he was only imagining. And her questions were very pointed. Such as: Do you regret kissing me that first time, Sterling? His answer: No.
Do you regret moving me into your home? Knowing what would be required when you did? His answer: A smile, followed by the word ‘never’.
Are you sure you love me? His answer: More than life itself.
Tears streamed down her cheeks when he admitted that he loved her. She never thought to hear those words from him and her heart overflowed with joy.
He loved her, as much as she loved him. She let her gaze rest on him beneath the covers and smiled. Now, she only had to make sure he consciously realized how much he loved her.
His eyelids fluttered rapidly, then his eyes opened, slits at first, then half-way. He quickly closed them again, then slowly opened them.
He was lying on his back, his gaze focused on the ceiling above him, and he didn’t turn his head to look to the right or to the left.
“Am I dead?” he whispered in a hoarse voice.
“Do you feel like you are?”
“Yes. And that I didn’t go to Heaven like I wanted to.”
“You aren’t in hell, Sterling. You’ve simply put yourself through hell.” Amanda rose and filled a glass with water, then held it to his lips. “Here, drink this,” she said, lifting his head.
He took several swallows then let his head sink back against the pillow. “Are you really here?” he said when his breathing calmed.
“Yes. Were you afraid you imagined me?”
“Yes.”
“May I ask you a question?”
“As long as you don’t make me think too hard. I’m not sure my brain has caught up with the rest of my body.”
“I don’t doubt it,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed so Hadleigh didn’t have to turn his head in order to look at her. “It has a long way to go.”
His reply was a groan of agony.
“Why, Sterling? Why did you do something so foolish?”
“You’re not pleased?”
“Of course I’m not pleased. What made you drown yourself in liquor? That’s so unlike you.”
He closed his eyes and breathed a heavy sigh. “Because I needed to prove to you that I wasn’t perfect. That I was as flawed as any other person. That you were the one who was good and perfect, and I was sorely lacking in every regard. That losing you caused more pain than I could bear. That the thought of a life without you in it was too impossible to consider.”
“I see,” she answered.
“Do you, Amanda?”
“Yes.” Amanda stood. She towered over him with her hands fisted at her side and as severe a look on her face as she could muster. “I see that I have no choice but to force you to marry me. You have ruined me, after all. Whether that was your intent or not, it is too late to change the outcome. You have ruined me for any other man.”
The look of shock and surprise on his face was priceless. Then he quickly recovered and adopted the stern expression she was used to seeing from him.
“You are right, my lady. It seems we have no choice but to marry. That is undoubtedly the only way you can keep me from revisiting my life of imperfection. And the only way I can keep you out of trouble.”
She sat beside him on the bed and leaned over him. “Yes, Your Grace. It is without a doubt the only way you can be assured I will stay out of trouble.”
Then she lowered her head and kissed him.
EPILOGUE
Amanda stood at the top of the steps of their country estate with her husband at her side, and watched the Earl of Haywood’s carriage make its way up the drive. It was their turn to visit Celie and Jonah, but her time was too near to be traveling any distance. Especially in a rough carriage and over rutted roads. So Celie and Jonah had volunteered to come to Hadleigh Estate for a long visit.
They had also coincided the visit with the time Amanda’s babe was due to arrive. She wanted Celie there for the event. Not for herself. She was fine. It was Sterling she was concerned about.
He’d been a wreck for the last few months. Since she’d gotten so huge he was afraid she was carrying a small regiment. She wanted Jonah to be with him when she delivered, since Jonah had already gone through this once, and according to Celie’s last letter, would be going through it again in about four months.
The carriage came to a stop in front of the entrance, and Jonah, Celie, and fourteen-month-old Sterling dismounted. Jonah took little Sterling from his wife’s hands as Hadleigh went down to meet them. Amanda stayed at the top of the stairs, since managing steps was extremely difficult.
“Oh, Amanda. You look magnificent,” Celie said giving her as close a hug as she could manage considering Amanda’s bulging stomach.
“Your lies are wasted on
me, Celie. I’m puffy, swollen, and as big as a ship on the ocean. I’m also as cumbersome as a whale on a beach. Even Hadleigh cannot lie with any conviction anymore.”
Celie gave her arm a gentle squeeze, then turned her toward the house. “Let’s go in and get you off of your feet, Your Grace,” she said, allowing Amanda to enter the house first.
They passed little Sterling around before tea was served, then had a long overdue visit with their closest friends before eating their evening meal and retiring early.
Amanda had looked forward to the three weeks Jonah and Celie intended to stay with such anticipation, that when she woke in the middle of the night with an aching back and slight cramps, she didn’t pay much notice. But when the cramps became more severe and her water drenched the bed, she knew something more was going on.
“Sterling?” she said, reaching over to him and shaking his shoulder. “Sterling?”
“Yes?”
“Would you do me a favor?”
“Hmm. What craving are you hungry for now?” he asked, used to her midnight requests.
“I am quite in need of Celie’s assistance.”
“You want me to wake Cecelia? But they spent a long day travelling. I’m sur—”
“Hadleigh, please. I need Celie’s help.”
A severe cramp took that opportunity to make her imperative condition obvious.
“Is the babe coming, Amanda? Already?”
“Yes, Your Grace. Evidently, your son wants to make an early appearance.”
By now, her husband had on his pants and had thrown a shirt over his head. He didn’t look his immaculate self, but he looked presentable.
Another pain stabbed through her as Sterling leaned over her and gave her a quick kiss, then raced across the room.
“I love you, Amanda,” he said over his shoulder. “I’d bear your pain if I could,” he finished, then left the room.
“I love you, too, Sterling.” Another pain hit. “And no, you would not,” she whispered through clenched teeth. “You are not tough enough.”
Although for the next eight hours, Amanda doubted if she were tough enough either. Finally the Duke of Hadleigh’s heir made an appearance. Celie quickly tied a narrow blue ribbon around the infant’s ankle because...
The Dark Duke Page 24
