by Tara Rose
The men took turns inside her, changing places every few minutes, and Alexa couldn’t keep up with the sensations. They washed over her as she cried out and clung to their arms, never wanting them to stop. Her climax was deep and went on forever. The contractions continued as they kept taking turns. When they asked her to lie on her stomach, she hesitated for only a second.
She rolled over and Chase bunched up pillows to place under her groin so that her ass was up in the air. “Alexa, I’m going to spank you.”
“With what?” Sharp fear raced through her, tight and hot. She had to calm down. They weren’t going to hurt her. It would be all right.
Chase moved off the bed and rummaged in a drawer in his dresser. When he pulled out a leather paddle, Alexa’s heart began to race. “With this.” Lust shone from Chase’s eyes.
Luke ran his hands over her ass cheeks, moaning softly. “As long as I get a turn, too.”
If she said “no,” she’d never put her past behind her. Chase and Luke wouldn’t push her past her limits. She knew that. She had to trust them and let them do this to her so that she could figure out where pleasure ended and fear and pain began.
“Alexa?” Luke was watching her face carefully. “You don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to do.”
“I want you to. Just go slow, okay?”
Chase asked her to sit up. He put down the paddle and cupped her face. “Please tell us what’s going on, Alexa. Please. Luke and I don’t want to hurt you, and we don’t want to stir up bad memories for you.”
His face was filled with desperation. It was now or never. If she didn’t get this out and just let them paddle her, they’d never understand why it was so frightening for her. And if the truth did come out one day, they’d never forgive her for not telling them first. She hugged her knees and took a deep breath.
What was wrong with her? How could she have gone through what she had with Brad and still feel such molten desire for these two men? How could she have had these erotic fantasies about them while such horrible memories still haunted her dreams?
“Alexa…” Luke’s big, dark eyes were filled with concern. She had to tell them.
“I had a Dom in New York. Brad. He…he was my first and only Dom. I didn’t know anything. I thought he was doing what they all do. I didn’t know any better.”
“He hurt you, didn’t he?” A muscle in Chase’s jaw twitched, and his voice held an edge Alexa had never heard.
She shivered as she met his gaze, so full of anger. “Yes, he did. He hurt me.” Julie would be so proud that she’d finally been able to say it out loud to both men.
“Why didn’t you say anything before?” asked Luke.
Alexa swallowed. “I couldn’t. But now I can. And I’m telling you because I have…I have strong aversions to things that I used to enjoy. Before he earned my trust and then abused it.”
“Oh, Alexa.” Luke pulled her close and held her tightly. She relaxed into his warm embrace, wondering if she’d ever be able to tell him everything and hoping she’d never have to. It was enough, right now, just to know he understood this much.
“Knowing this makes me want to drive to New York, find Brad, and beat the shit out of him,” said Chase.
“No.” Alexa pulled back her emotions. She hadn’t meant to sound so forceful, and she hoped Chase was just saying that. She began to wish she hadn’t given them even Brad’s first name. “I mean, violence isn’t the answer, right? That’s just feeding abusive behavior with more of the same.”
Chase gave her an odd look, and Alexa couldn’t interpret it. “Okay. I respect the fact that’s how you feel. But if you ever feel any differently, all you have to do is say the word.”
Guilt washed over her, although in the rational part of her brain that still had blood flow she knew she didn’t have anything to feel guilty about. She hadn’t done anything wrong.
“It’s not supposed to be that way,” said Chase. “I hope you know that.”
“I know, Chase. I want…I want to know what it’s supposed to be like. I want to be with someone who respects my limits. Who helps me figure out what they are. I don’t even know that, you know?”
Chase’s gaze was intense. “We could both do that.”
Luke cut his gaze to Chase as gratitude flashed in his dark eyes. “Yeah, that’s right. We could.”
Alexa glanced from one man to the other. “I’m not afraid to have sex. I know you two won’t hurt me.”
“Can you handle any impact play, or is that out?” asked Chase gently.
“I don’t know, but I’d like to find out.”
“Did you ever have a chance to actually enjoy it?”
Alexa thought about the question. It was an important one, and she and Julie had discussed it extensively. Because Alexa still thought of herself as submissive, it was important she figure out where the pleasure had ended and real fear and pain had taken over, so that if she wanted to enter into a Dom/sub relationship again, she’d have clear limits that both could identify and understand. She needed to be able to trust a man again and let him help her figure out where her limits truly lay. Brad had violated her trust so many times she’d never had a chance to actually figure that out.
“Before he started pushing me past my limits, I did enjoy it. But he changed once I moved in with him and became totally dependent on him.” She took another deep breath. “The scars on my thighs are from a bamboo cane. He never used it on my ass, only inside my thighs and…and on sensitive places, you know? He’d tie me up and hit me with it, calling me a slut and saying I deserved to have scars that men would see when they went to fuck me.”
She took several more deep breaths before continuing, choosing her words carefully. She had to be careful not to say anything that would lead to questions she wasn’t ready to answer. She could do this. She could get through it without telling them about her life before she’d met Brad. “I could handle everything else but that, and that’s why he’d do it. He wouldn't stop until I was crying and begging. He drew blood most times. Only then would he turn me over and paddle me or flog me, and then fuck me until I begged him to stop.”
Chase pulled her into his arms and stroked her hair and back. “We will never do that to you. I swear it.”
“I believe you. But isn’t it weird that even now I want you to paddle me? I want to know that I can enjoy it without fear. That’s sick, isn’t it?”
Chase shook his head before she finished asking the question. “No. It’s not weird and it’s not sick. The line between pain and pleasure is a thin one for most of us. Being a Dom means more than having control. It means knowing your sub well enough that you recognize when she’s close to her limits before she has to use a safe word. It means having enough respect for her body and her mind that you don’t do any actual harm to her. He broke your trust, Alexa. He abused you, plain and simple.”
“Why did you stay with him?” asked Luke.
Ah, the million-dollar question. But she wasn’t ready to tell them anything more. “I didn’t know any better, Luke. I thought that was how it was.”
“Didn’t you work at the same shop Kari did?” asked Luke. “I’m surprised he let you have a job.”
“It was a sex shop, that’s why. He’d walk me to and from work. When we got home he’d make me tell him everything I’d sold that day, if I wanted him to use it on me, and how it made me feel to see it and touch it. He got off on that. Sometimes he’d stop by during my shift and just watch me with the customers. I was never alone.”
“How did you get away from him?” asked Chase.
“Kari helped. I was crying in the bathroom one day and she came in. She asked me what was wrong and it all just spilled out. All of it. I couldn’t stop shaking or crying. I’d worked with her for two years and had held all that in. But I knew she was someone I could trust, you know? You just know that about some people.”
“What did she do after you told her?” asked Chase.
“She called
her ex-Dom for help, and he and a couple of his friends went to the apartment I shared with Brad to get my things. Brad threw all my stuff outside in the alley as the guys were packing it into their trucks. He said horrible things about me. He didn’t even care that I was leaving.”
“How long ago was this?” Chase’s gaze had turned thoughtful, and Alexa wondered if she’d said too much.
“Eight months.”
“And you and Kari have been here for six.”
She nodded. They knew why Kari had left New York. Luke and Chase were at the house she shared with Kari the night Donnie McCoy had shown up. But they didn’t know about the break-in at the apartment in Manhattan that she’d shared with Kari. Noah and Adison did, though. What if one of them had told Luke or Chase? Noah and Chase were best friends.
Chase sighed, and a look of pain spread over his face, but it was gone so quickly Alexa convinced herself she’d imagined it. He pulled her close again and nuzzled her neck. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that you went through that, but I hope you know Luke and I would never, ever do anything like that to you.”
“I know.”
“Do you want to stay here tonight, Alexa? I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”
She tried to hide her disappointment but wasn’t sure she could. She didn’t want to leave, and she didn’t want their evening to be over. But if she put herself in their place, she couldn’t imagine how they could they want to have sex with her after what she’d just told them. Why had she said anything? It was over before it had even begun.
“I think I’ll go home.” Even if Kari was there with Noah and Adison, it would be better than facing the looks on their faces right now. They each wore a mixture of disbelief and disgust, and she knew it was directed at her. What man would want someone as fucked up as she was?
“I’ll drive you,” said Luke.
Chase kissed her on the cheek, and Alexa had to bite her tongue to keep from crying again. “Thank you for tonight, Alexa. And thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this.”
She didn’t answer. She couldn’t. Luke followed her down the stairs as each of them picked up their clothes. She took hers to the downstairs bath Chase pointed out so she could dress without them watching her. When she emerged, both men were dressed and talking quietly. From the way they stopped as soon as she exited, she guessed they’d been discussing her.
Chase gave her another hug, but his body might as well have been made of stone for all the warmth or comfort it offered. Alexa pushed her emotions and the longing she felt down deep. She had to. It was the only way to ward off the pain.
Chapter Six
Luke’s thoughts were a jumbled mess as he drove Alexa home. The drive wouldn’t take more than ten minutes, and he struggled with finding the right words. Then he remembered she’d been in his bar earlier. “Did you drive to my bar tonight? Is your car there?”
She shook her head. “Kari, Noah, and Adison dropped me off on their way to Maddox’s club.”
Her voice was flat and hollow, and all Luke wanted to do was stop the truck and hold her. He wanted to tell her it was going to be all right, and beg her to let him help her get over this. But how did you get over something like that?
He’d suspected something bad had happened to her, but never had he imagined abuse from a Dom. No wonder she’d kept telling him she wasn’t ready to have sex. The guilt washing over him was horrible, but it was nothing compared to what Alexa must have gone through. Every time he’d asked, the memories must have been torturing her.
“Alexa, I’m here for you. You know that, right? All you have to do is call me or text me, anytime you need to talk.”
She gave him a half smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I know that, Luke. Thank you.”
They stopped in front of the house. It didn’t look as though anyone was there. Alexa started to open the door handle but Luke placed a hand on her arm. “Are you sure you want to go in there alone? I could stay a while if you want. And I don’t mean I’m going to try anything. I mean just to be with you.”
A quick flash of pain crossed her eyes, but before he could try and figure out why, it was gone. She opened the door. “I’ll be fine. Kari doesn’t sleep here anymore very often so I’m used to being alone all night. Thank you, Luke. I’m sorry for tonight.”
She stepped out of the truck and Luke put it in park and got out. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She stared at him for long moments, and Luke was sure she was going to say something, but then she turned around and walked up the front steps. He waited until he saw lights on inside the shop, and then waited until he saw the upstairs windows lit up as well before he drove back to his lonely apartment above the bar.
How the hell had such a perfect day turned into shit so quickly? He had to find a way to earn her trust again. Now that he’d made love to her, there was no way he could let Alexa go. If they never had sex again, he still wanted her. No one had ever touched his heart the way she had.
* * * *
Alexa slept most of Monday, and spent Tuesday in a fog. She worked all day in the shop with Kari, and was aware of the searching looks Kari, Adison, and Noah gave her, but she ignored them. She went over her conversation with Chase and Luke a million times, wishing she’d just kept her big mouth shut. She missed an appointment with Julie on Tuesday afternoon and ignored the phone calls from her.
Luke and Chase were disgusted with her. She knew it. How could they not be? She’d told them how she’d let Brad abuse her, and she hadn’t been able to give them a reason why she’d stayed with him through it. If they knew what had happened to her before she met Brad, that might make it clearer, but she couldn’t tell them all that. She just couldn’t.
And when she told them she wanted to be paddled and spanked so she could understand where her limits were, they must have thought she was completely nuts. Who wouldn’t?
She couldn’t face them again. And she couldn’t face Julie’s disappointment. Alexa had had her chance with Chase and Luke and she’d blown it. The pain at the realization she’d probably lost them both was too much for Alexa to handle.
As they locked up the shop Tuesday night, Kari gave her a long look filled with concern. “It’s none of my business, but what happened Sunday? You haven’t been the same since we dropped you off at the Luke’s Bar.”
“Just tired.” Alexa couldn’t meet Kari’s eyes.
“Weren’t you supposed to have a session with Julie today?”
“She cancelled.” She hated lying to Kari.
“Alexa, if you need to talk, I’m here.”
Luke had said the same thing. He’d called at least a dozen times and left messages that Alexa had deleted without listening to. She was too humiliated to face either him or Chase. Chase had called multiple times, too, but had only left one message. “I know, Kari. I’m just tired. Really.”
“Okay. Want me to stay here tonight? Noah and Adison won’t mind. We could order pizza.”
“No, no. You go on and have fun. I’ll be fine.”
Kari didn’t look convinced, but finally she left for Noah’s condo. Alexa warmed up leftover food from the night before and flipped through the channels, but nothing held her interest. She’d never been much of a TV watcher. She dug out her laptop, but there was nothing to do. She’d changed her e-mail address before leaving New York, and the only people who had it were right here in Racy. There was no need to e-mail them because the few people she knew saw her almost every day.
She’d opened a Facebook account shortly after leaving Brad, but she’d closed it after moving to Racy, and she’d never updated her profile to indicate where she’d moved. There was no way he’d find her through it. She was rarely online anyway, and it had seemed more bothersome to have it than anything. Brad couldn’t be related to the break-in. It had probably been a coincidence, just like the police said. If he’d wanted to come after her, wouldn’t he have done so by now?
“Stop that.” She flipped off the TV. Brad was not coming after her. He didn’t know where she was. He’d only called to harass her because that’s what he did best. And now he couldn’t even do that because there was no way for him to find her new number. She was effectively off the grid. Even the utilities on this house were still in Kari’s name, although they would need to eventually change that. Alexa co-owned the business but not on paper. She and Kari had decided that was safest so there would be no connection between Alexa and anyone or anything in Racy.
She was safe here, but she was lonely. She was so terribly lonely. And even more so now that she’d had a taste of what sex was like with Chase and Luke. Alexa stood in front of the window and watched the wind whip at the bare tree branches. Dark clouds scuttled against the sky. If she had just kept her damn mouth shut about Brad Sunday night, she could be snuggled in both their arms right now. Instead she was home alone, once again, with nothing to do and no one to talk to.
Her phone was on the table next to the sofa. All she had to do was call one of them, and there was no doubt they’d be over. Luke would even leave his bar for her if she asked him to. But what would she tell them? What could possibly erase the sight of her scars, or the little she’d told them about Brad? They didn’t even know the whole story, and if there was a God, they never would. They didn’t need to know any of that. It was her own personal hell to deal with.
A noise downstairs snapped her back to the present. Had it come from downstairs or was it the wind? Alexa froze, her heart hammering and her breathing loud. She glanced outside. The wind was really kicking up. Surely that’s all she’d heard.
