by Jesse James
Bored with rat brains, she set about investigating the connection between self-esteem and love. Her 1966 article ‘The effect of self-esteem on romantic liking’ became one of the most influential and heavily cited works in social psychology, inaugurating an age of inquiry into human attraction and love. What she found surprised almost everyone.
Dr. Hatfield discovered that low self-esteem correlated to an increased propensity for falling in love. ‘When self-esteem tumbled to an all-time low,’ she observed, ‘one should be especially vulnerable to falling in love.’ This explains the so-called ‘rebound’ relationship, in which a recently-dumped man or woman seeks to rebuild self-confidence by quickly entering into another partnership.143
Hatfield notes that people with high self-esteem assume they have much to offer others, hence they can afford to demand the very best. ‘The higher one’s self-esteem,’ she writes, ‘the more one might require from a “suitable” date or mate.’144
When self-esteem has been lowered, one seeks the affection of others in order to rebuild his or her shattered confidence. Dr. Hatfield explains that ‘The lower one’s self-esteem, the more appreciative people will be when anyone seems to love them, and the more likely they may be to reciprocate that affection.’145
Seducers, take note. Women are more vulnerable to seduction when their self-esteem has been lowered, especially following a breakup or divorce. Pickup artists know about this effect and they developed the theory of ‘negging’ to temporarily lower a woman’s self-esteem. Whether negging actually works as advertised, however, is an open question.
CLINIC: Personality Traits That Attract Women Like Bees to Honey
Adopting the following personality traits will make a woman want to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane.
Playfulness
Richard Dawkins wrote that ‘nature cannot afford frivolous jeux d’esprit,’ but apparently we humans can. Females value intelligence in a long-term partner, but what young woman wants a lover who spends his Saturday nights reading Wittgenstein? In a recent study, researchers found that females strongly desire playfulness in males, especially when searching for a long-term partner. Some men are naturally more ‘playful’ than others. If you tend toward seriousness, make a conscious effort to be more light-hearted and humorous. In the words of The Joker, ‘why so serious?’146
Mystery
Not for nothing is one of the most successful pickup artists in the world called ‘Mystery.’ No points for originality, but he really does get the girls (being six-foot-four also helps).
Mystery touches something deep in the human psyche – our curiosity. We want to find out more. You can generate mystery and buzz by looking different from the crowd – but not so different that you appear insecure. Remain confident but slightly aloof at clubs and bars; women will wonder ‘who is that guy over there?’
Incorporate mystery into your personality by learning to never answer questions directly. Use phrases like ‘I can’t tell you that, we haven’t known each other long enough.’
Everyone loves a good mystery. Intrigue distracts us from the cumbersome banality of our daily lives.
You can build an aura of mystery around yourself by avoiding questions about your job and past history. Transition the conversation to the present, rather than the past, and act intentionally evasive about personal questions. She might think you have something to hide and – who knows – maybe you do.
For women, much of the fun surrounding the singles scene is getting to know men. If a woman begins interrogating you on a date or first encounter, say: ‘I feel like I’m on a job interview.’ Avoid answering personal questions, especially early in a relationship, to create an atmosphere of mystery. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it breathes life into seduction.
Spontaneity and Unpredictability
Women love a man who is impossible to predict. Sending mixed signals keeps a woman tethered to the excitement of pursuing you.
Avoid cheesy movie dates or predictable routines. Dating should be exciting and adventurous, not predictable and boring. Women love it when they don’t know what to expect; spontaneously propose random adventures. If you can afford to travel, buy two tickets to Paris for a weekend getaway – and tell her at the last minute. Do something different, spontaneous and novel. Use your imagination!
Aloofness
As soon as a young girl enters her early teens, she’s barraged with sexual attention from males. She soon learns that men are easy, desperate, needy.
Most men become clingy around beautiful women, showering them with attention and spilling their love faster than they spill other things when they go home alone. Bad move. Act indifferent, even disinterested. Do not always return phone calls or text messages. Confuse and mystify as a prelude to seduction. Make her think: ‘Why doesn’t he want me like every other guy?’ Exploit insecurities with indifference.
Desirable young women receive persistent male attention. Most men understand little about seduction, blathering above love and emptying their wallets. Instead, you should act ambivalent. Unfamiliar with such behavior, a woman tends to become very curious about a man who remains aloof yet obviously interested.
The trick is to communicate your attraction without appearing overly smitten. Learn the art of teasing. When you tease a woman, you communicate your interest in a friendly and fun way, but you also set yourself apart from the hordes of other men who are bending down to kiss her feet. Women love a challenge; make them work for you.
Thoughtfulness
Women find thoughtful men attractive, especially for long-term dating. You don’t need to buy a woman expensive gifts; small, thoughtful items work even better. Say: ‘hey I was out shopping today and when I saw this, I started thinking about you’ and then present her with some cheap little gift that relates to her life or emotions in some way. Appear genuine. Women absolutely love to know that you were thinking about them.
Be thoughtful but not overly generous; a thoughtful gift is much more impressive to most women than a simply expensive gift. It really is the thought that counts, not the price tag.
Women love thoughtful little messages and notes. You really do care about her, right? Then act like it.
Charm and Charisma
Charisma - an intangible ‘coolness’ - is the most seductive quality of all, but also the most difficult to learn. Practice charisma by studying people who have it; world leaders, movie stars, famous actors. Learn their mannerisms, turns of phrase, and body language.
Watching movies, especially RomComs, with charismatic main characters is the best way to learn charisma. Emulate them.
Charismatic people are self-confident, assured, somewhat aloof, terse and slightly mysterious.
No pill or magic formula can make you charming and charismatic. Although charisma is partly an inherent personality trait, it can be learned, practiced, studied and improved.
Positive Energy
Good energy is infectious! Never complain. Always appear happy and positive (even if you’re not). Happiness is a fertile garden for attraction. You can spend all day bragging about your yacht, showing off your six pack abs and talking about your lucrative new business contract, but in the end it’s all about how you make her feel deep down inside. Enthusiasm and positive energy will brighten anyone’s day.
Those Burger King Blues
Frank Skinner admitted ‘I’m not a good-looking person. I’ve struggled to get girls for most of my life, and then, suddenly, I win the casual-sex lottery by getting famous.’ Apparently, even a little fame and status is good enough. Have you ever heard of Frank Skinner?
Even when lacking wealth or power, high status males consistently outperform low-status males in attracting casual sex partners.
Status differs from wealth and power. Wealth is cold, hard cash – money in the bank. Power is the ability to make other people do your bidding. High status implies the admiration, respect or jealousy of your peers or society at large. Rock stars enjoy
high status because of the general popularity of rock music. Ditto for movie stars and exceptional athletes.
Women are attracted to high status males because the spinoffs of status often include resources, a comfortable lifestyle, and social benefits. High status males presumably possess good genes, which a woman wants for her offspring.
You don’t have to be ultra-famous to achieve high status. Run-of-the-mill doctors and lawyers enjoy status by virtue of their prestigious careers. An ugly man with a PhD seldom sleeps alone. One of the guys at my local gym is 5’6 and hairier than a Woolly Mammoth, yet he dates one of the prettiest girls at the gym while iron-pumping beefcakes flirt with their hands at night. And the hairy guy barely has a PhD. Art history does not count!
Exceptional performance translates to high status even in the absence of wealth or power. Professional skateboarders, rock-climbers, and surfers enjoy high status within their respective sports, although such athletes typically earn less income than the average Burger King middle-manager, wielding no power whatsoever. Yet they translate their status into sexual benefits, enjoying casual sex with multiple females, usually ‘groupies‘ in the social scene of their chosen sport.
Men and women differ tremendously in their preference for status in the opposite sex. Responding to the best-looking female model dressed in a Burger King outfit, 60 percent of the men said they would be willing to date her, while half were willing to have sex. Apparently, men were more concerned about the size of her boobs than her bank account. On the other hand, only 28 percent of the women said they were willing to date the best-looking male model dressed in the fast food uniform, and just 8 percent were willing to have sex. The professor notes that ‘Most female law students were unwilling to engage in any kind of relationship when models wore the fast-food uniform and were described as waiters - even when the models were good-looking.’147
Women find high-status men attractive for both casual sex and long-term mating. In seeking high status in a mate, the female achieves the best of both worlds; a ‘he-man’ who might serve up some ‘domestic bliss.’ Status suggests good genes and the prospect of one day translating high status into tangible wealth, meaning a comfortable life for the woman and her offspring. In ‘Those Who Can, Do: Wealth, Status and Reproductive Success on Ifaluk,’ anthropologist and evolutionary biologist Laura Betzig discovered that high status males on Ifaluk, a tiny coral atoll in the Pacific Ocean, enjoyed much greater reproductive success than low status males.148
Like men everywhere, Ifaluk males had sex on the brain. When she first landed on the island, the locals were curious. A thirty-year-old Ifaluk male approached, asking: ‘So why are you here?’ To which the anthropologist responded: ‘To see how you spend your time.’ The man didn’t blink: ‘That’s easy, most of us spend our time trying to make babies.’
All this talk about status is good news for people who look more like Al Bundy than Bradley Cooper. Boosting one’s status proves easier than fixing a double-chin, receding hairline, or adding a few inches to your height. Women consistently rate high status as more attractive than physical attributes. When I see men at the gym – no shirt, of course – ruthlessly pumping iron day after day, I wonder about their actual success rate with women. Science suggests that a man’s time would be much better spent raising his status than raising an iron bar over his head.
In his seminal work on fashion, Quentin Bell explains that fashion evolved as a sexual signaling device. Wearing expensive clothes differentiates the wealthy man from the hoi polloi.
Bell explains in ‘On Human Finery’ that ‘The man who worked was not infrequently in receipt of a larger income than the men who drew rents off him; an industrial life no longer implied a poor or laborious existence, and therefore ceased to be dishonorable. It was sufficient, therefore, that a man should demonstrate by means of his black coat, cylindrical hat, spotless linen, carefully rolled umbrella, and general air of refined discomfort that he was not actually engaged in the production of goods, but only in some more genteel employment concerned with management or distribution.’149
The quickest way to boost your status is to visit your local Holt Renfrew. Immaculate attire makes a man more attractive. A recent study found that ‘nearly three-quarters (78 percent) of women assert one of the hottest things a guy can do is to dress well.’150
Before going out on Saturday night, ditch the Burger King outfit. Like Clark Kent becoming Superman, your seduction attire should transform you into a new man.
In a study by Professor John M. Townsend, the same men were photographed wearing two different sets of clothes; one was a Burger King uniform with a blue baseball cap and polo-style shirt. The other was a white dress shirt with designer tie, navy blazer, and Rolex watch. Can you guess who women preferred? Females reported that they would not consider dating or sleeping with the men in the low-resource attire, but would entertain the possibility of sex, dating and even marriage with the men in the expensive clothes.151
Ask your boss for a raise (or find a higher paying job). Increasing your income raises your status. Laura Betzig found that Ifaluk males who receive salaries had much more sex than men who did not. She also observed that high-status males such as chiefs, advisors, and probable future tribal leaders slept with more women than their lower-status compatriots.152
Elevate your status by changing the way you think and act. Most people value the opinions of others. Don’t. High status men do not care what lower-status rivals think about them. Rivals, after all, are usually prowling for some way to chip away at the leader’s status in order to raise their own. Fretting over your competitor’s opinions means lowering your own social status. Avoid this trap. Dominant alpha-males instinctively eschew the opinions of social subordinates, and so should you.
Body language conveys social status. Recent studies have shown that wealthy and high-status people tend to fidget, yawn and appear generally unconcerned with the impression they are making. As mentioned above, high status people don’t give a shit what others think about them. A recent study ‘found that posh people fidget more -making it possible to tell a person’s social class by their body language.’153
Researchers videotaped subjects as they conversed with each other during one-on-one interview sessions. During the taped sessions, researchers chronicled two different types of behaviors; ‘disengagement behaviors’ included fidgeting and yawning, while ‘engagement behaviors’ featured head nodding, laughing and eye contact. High-status subjects demonstrated more ‘disengagement behaviors’ than low-status subjects.154
Apparently, high status people feel less inclined to make a good impression. Women detect these nonverbal status cues. During your interactions with females and especially with other males, practice ‘disengagement behaviors’ if you come from a low socioeconomic background. Look bored. Yawn. Fidget. Act like you don’t have a care in the world. Manipulate how others perceive your status by emulating the body language of the social elite.
One of the quickest, most effective techniques to increase your status is to become the leader of a group. Creating and leading a group might seem daunting, but the internet makes it a breeze. Try Meetup.com. By creating a ‘meetup group’ in your city, you attain an instant group leadership role. Form a group equally popular with men and women. As the ‘leader’ of the group, you will enjoy de-facto high status.
Outdoor activities, adventure, extreme sports, hiking and fitness oriented groups offer the most advantage, as such groups tend to attract good looking, healthy, fit and adventurous individuals. An additional benefit is that heavy exercise increases attraction by releasing endorphins in the brain similar to those experienced during arousal.
Bust out the red shirt for your first meetup. Red signals high status, daring and high testosterone, appealing traits in a casual sex partner. According to a recent study, women swoon over men in red. ‘When women see red it triggers something deep and probably biologically engrained,’ explains Professor Andrew Elliot, co-author of
the study at University of Rochester.155 According to the researchers, simply wearing the color red makes a man more attractive to the opposite sex. Scientists point to the biological origins of red as a status indicator in non-human primates; red indicates male dominance in mandrills and gelada baboons, expressed most intensely by alpha males.
Throughout human history, as well, red suggested high status. Ancient Rome’s most powerful citizens were known as ‘the ones who wear red.’ In Ancient China and Japan, rosy red conveyed rank and power. Today, businessmen and politicians wear red to communicate confidence and dominance, while we ‘roll out the red carpet’ for visiting dignitaries. ‘We found that women view men in red as higher in status, more likely to make money and more likely to climb the social ladder. And it’s this high-status judgment that leads to the attraction,’ explains Professor Elliot. Think superman. He would have looked funny in a yellow cape.156
If you prefer a white picket fence, wife and dog to the casual sex scene, then consider wearing blue to signify your long-term mate value. The color blue advertises stability, reliability, faithfulness and dedication, according to color expert Leatrice Eiseman. Banks and finance companies, which depend on customer trust, apply blue to their logos and website color schemes. Unsexy but stable, blue marks a man as a long-term partner. Attract a wife by wearing blue, but expect to be cuckolded by the man in red.
A Few Inches of Fame
Are you a huge Game of Thrones fan? Four-foot tall Peter Dinklage plays the lead role of Tyrion Lannister on the show. Since height is the number one physical trait that women find sexy, Dinklage was dealt some bad cards. His name does not help. But fame trumps his tiny stature. Dinklage married a model almost two feet taller than himself. He even fathered a child. Take that, genetic oblivion!
Dinklage owes his reproductive success to what psychologists call the ‘bandwagon effect,’ a well-known form of groupthink in behavioral science. Like fads and trends, conduct and beliefs spread among people with ‘the probability of any individual adopting it increasing with the proportion who have already done so.’157
