by Jesse James
Psychologists call social proof in seduction the ‘wedding ring effect.’ Women find married men – or those involved in a relationship – sexier and more desirable than single men. Women love a challenge. Like everyone, they want what they can’t have.
Whereas a man’s eyes often fixate on a woman’s chest, the female instinctively glances at the male’s ‘ring finger’ to check for an existing commitment. Whenever I watch a movie with my girlfriend, I’m always surprised how quickly she discerns the marital status of the male stars.
So are all the good men taken, or all the taken men good? In one study at McMaster University in Ontario, researchers recruited 38 female participants from an introductory psychology course, showing them 10 pictures of males accompanied by a brief description of each individual and his interests.
The only difference in the description of each man was that half the study participants saw the man’s marital status as ‘married,’ while the other half viewed his status as ‘single.’ Can you guess the result? Women rated the ‘married’ men much more attractive than the ‘single’ men, even though the only difference in the description of each man was his marital status. As Swedish actress Britt Eklund confesses, ‘I say I don’t sleep with married men, but what I mean is that I don’t sleep with happily married men.’163
You can apply your knowledge of ‘social proof’ and ‘mate copying’ to immediately increase your attractiveness with the opposite sex. Surround yourself with attractive women. Invite good-looking females to bars and clubs with you; your friends, colleagues, even your sister will do. You can easily hire a good-looking female on SeekingArrangement.com to accompany you pretty much anywhere. The more frequently women see you in the company of attractive women, the more attractive you will become. Beliebe it.
TIP: Buy a Wedding Ring
Exploit the ‘wedding ring effect’ with an actual wedding ring. No joke; the ring will validate your popularity with the opposite sex because at least one woman has pledged her commitment to you ‘in sickness and in health.’ Sporting a gold wedding ring immediately boosts your sex appeal, magically transforming you into a target of female attention.
Is it cheating or dishonest for a single man to wear a wedding ring or intentionally surround himself with beautiful women to capitalize on social proof? No more so than a woman who gets a boob job, slobbers her face with makeup or buys hair extensions to make herself look younger. The ‘dating game’ is just that – a game. Both genders cheat plenty.
Another trick for exploiting social proof is the ‘two wineglass technique.’ Invite a woman over for dinner, leaving two wineglasses by your bed. Inevitably, the woman will notice the two glasses - they’re just about wired to notice this kind of thing. She may become angry, jealous, or curious, depending on the state of your relationship. Obviously avoid this play if you’re involved in a serious relationship; it works best after a few dates or a casual encounter. Expect her to ask questions, assuming your involvement with another woman. Exploit social proof. Talk about the ‘other girl.’ She’s a bikini model, right? She’s beautiful and brilliant, correct? You get the picture. Make sure the girl you describe is similar to the woman in your bedroom; the ‘lost wallet’ experiment teaches us that social proof works best when the two subjects are similar in age, ethnicity and socioeconomic background.
The two-wineglass trick makes you seem popular and in demand. You must be sexy. Notice the power of the passive-aggressive approach; you would seem like a liar or braggart if you started blabbering about another woman without an invitation. Using the wine glasses as props, you allow her to open the conversation by asking questions.
People build fortresses with great walls – like the walls of Troy – to keep out unwanted information. Bombarded by advertising all day, we encounter resistance and skepticism when trying to convince anyone of anything. People believe much more strongly what they discover for themselves than what you tell them. Describe your bikini-model lover to your subject and - if she’s smart - she may recognize your attempt to build social value. Slip through her walls of skepticism with a Trojan Horse; two wine glasses by the bed does the job. Let her discover your ‘other woman’ for herself.
If you are really sneaky (or really desperate), discover where your subject spends most of her time; a bar, a restaurant, a club, a gym. Arrange for her to ‘accidentally’ bump into you with some other stunning lady. You can use a friend, a Craigslist girl (careful) or a lady from SeekingArrangement. Yes, your sister will do in a pinch. Being seen in the company of beautiful women dramatically increases your desirability. We desire people who appear popular within our own socioeconomic group. We want what we can’t have.
Chapter 10
Nice Guys Finish Never
‘It’s not lying - it’s flirting.’
- Neil Strauss
Forrest Gump admitted that ‘Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you’re gonna get.’ If you didn’t win the genetic lottery for height or V-shaped torso, David Buss’s 1988 mate choice study may give you some hope. Encompassing 37 cultures and spanning 5 continents around the world, the legendary sex researcher found that five out of the top seven traits most desired by women (and men) were psychological rather than physical traits.164
Unlike appearance, you enjoy total control over your personality. And personality beats looks. Develop a magnetic charisma. Read ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People.’ Study ‘The 48 Laws of Power’ and the ‘Art of Seduction’ by Robert Greene. Observe the personalities of Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Tom Cruise in Top Gun, John Travolta in Swordfish, Michael Madsen in Reservoir Dogs, or James Bond in Casino Royale. As you watch these movies, pay careful attention to the confident swagger of the alpha male characters.
Dominance
‘Jenise slowly unlocked his manacled wrists. Perhaps she had made a mistake. He was much more imposing standing before her, unchained! … He expertly cornered her. His large hands reaching under her hair, tossing it back …. “Turn and face the wall.’’ … A deep growling sound of hunger issued from the male throat behind her …. She had made a mistake. A grievous mistake! … Frantic, she tried to turn … but he held her immobile …. A sound of despair flowed from her mouth …. A snarl escaped his lips, a cross between anger and satisfaction …. Decisively, he thrust forward ….‘165
Best-selling fantasy writer Dara Joy told us how Jenise (the woman in this story) reluctantly submitted to the dominant advance of Gian (the man) to escape the pressures of another suitor.
This kind of tale sells books. Women eat up romance novels describing a powerful, dominant male taking them (almost) against their will. Erotic female literature accounted for $1.3 billion in 2006 sales, representing a 26.4% market share of all books sold.166 In over fifty percent of romance novels, the prevailing theme involves female submission to a dominant male. Are rape fantasies an urban legend or do women actually fantasize about this sort of thing?167
From a purely Darwinian perspective, moral considerations out the window, a woman might be better off mating with a good rapist rather than a wimp. A dominant, sexually aggressive man who takes a woman against her will typically embodies qualities such as physical strength and self-confidence. The offspring from such a union should also be strong, dominant, sexually confident and aggressive. In other words, they too will be good rapists – and good at getting their genes into the next generation.
In the controversial expose of human psychology, the Moral Animal, Robert Wright explains:
‘So female resistance should be favored by natural selection as a way to avoid having a son who is an inept rapist ….This isn’t to say that a female primate, her protests notwithstanding, ‘really wants it,’ as human males have been known to assume. On the contrary, the more an orangutan ‘really wants it,’ the less she’ll resist, and the less powerful a screening device her reticence will be. What natural selection ‘wants’ and what any individual wants needn’t be the same, and in this case they’re some
what at odds. The point is simply that, even when females demonstrate no clear preference for certain kinds of males, they may be, in practical terms, preferring a certain kind of male. And this de facto discretion may be de jure. It may be an adaptation, favored by natural selection precisely because it has this filtering effect …In the broadest sense, the same logic could apply in any primate species. Once females in general begin putting up the slightest resistance, then a female that puts up a little extra resistance is exhibiting a valuable trait. For whatever it takes to penetrate resistance, the sons of strong resisters are more likely to have it than the sons of weak resisters. Thus, in sheerly Darwinian terms, coyness becomes its own reward. And this is true regardless of whether the male’s means of approach is physical or verbal.’168
Do women want to be raped? Of course not. Do they fantasize about being overpowered by a dominant man, almost against their will? Yes. Why else would women spend $1.3 billion on romance novels in which forcible submission is always the main theme? Psychologist Patricia Hawley observes that ‘Sexual arousal and enhancement is the raison d’etre of private fantasy life. What does it mean when a good deal of this fantasizing is about forceful submission?’169
If, throughout history, women have failed to completely resist the (almost) unwanted advances of powerful males, it would make sense for men to have evolved a deep distrust of women who scream rape. Indeed, in many cultures a man will abandon a wife who claims to have been raped by another man. Under Islamic law in some Middle Eastern countries today, a woman faces public stoning for admitting sexual victimization. This is truly a dark aspect of human nature.
Modern men and women are equipped with a mental apparatus that hasn’t changed much since we swung out of the trees. On some level, modern males believe that a woman who is raped actually ‘wants it.’ And we can infer from romance novel sales that women actually do fantasize about being overpowered by dominant men. Does this mean the aspiring seducer should invest in a ski mask and a knife? No. A man can signal dominance and trigger a woman’s ‘submission fantasy’ without being physically aggressive or abusive.
A gentle touch on a woman’s arm communicates dominance. A recent study found that two-thirds of women agreed to dance with a man who gently touched her arm for a brief second or two while making the request. Making the same request while keeping his hands by his side cut his success rate by half. The same study found that a woman is more likely to provide her phone number if a man gently touches her arm for a few seconds during a cold approach on the street.170
TIP: A Touch Of Love
Pickup artists refer to touch as ‘kino.’ Touch a woman lightly on the arm while asking her to dance or requesting her phone number. A gentle (and very brief) touch signifies dominance and boldness, attractive qualities in a male. Don’t touch for too long or touch inappropriate areas lest your ‘kino’ becomes good-old-fashioned sexual assault.
In a bar or nightclub setting, nonreciprocal male touching conveys dominance. Simply by patting your friend on the back, or putting your arm over his shoulder, you signify dominance and control. Women notice men who appear to dominate weaker males. High status males tend to touch, pat or rub the heads or shoulders of lower-status acquaintances, highlighting the inferiority of the other person. Initiating such nonreciprocal touching conveys higher status to everyone in the room. Simply approach one of your friends or associates, say something mildly humorous or even somewhat degrading, then pat him on the back or loop your arm around his shoulder. You can add ‘ahh, but he’s really a good guy!’ Use caution. If your friend perceives your motivation accurately – raising your status while lowering his own – he may resent you for it. Resentment occurs more often when you share relatively equal social status; lower status males intuitively expect and permit such behavior.
TIP: Just Say NO
Give a woman what she really wants by saying no. And what does a woman want, deep down in her heart of hearts? A man in charge.
Ultimately, women like men who appear dominant and in control. Just say no in a cocky, funny kind of way. Denying a woman what she wants confuses and interests her. Shriveled-up wimps do not get the girls.
A few years ago I met a beautiful woman in her mid-20s at a local restaurant. I soon discovered she was a prude, all hobbed-up on religion. She hated my tendency to spew obscenities. And I swear like a sailor. Every fucking sentence. One day she complained, ‘You are so unattractive when you swear.’ She was a dazzling young woman and most men might have capitulated with an apology, promising to mend their language. I said: ‘Yeah well I do it a lot, so get fucking used to it!’ My reply wasn’t angry or defensive, but playful and teasing. I let her know that I was in control. We would play by my rules. And I slept with her for the first time that night. I still remember the Jesus necklace banging away on her soft chest.
Dominance is hot. Women like men who are in control of themselves, their environment, and the people around them. Alpha-male traits trigger sexual desire deep in the female brain.
Consider Mike Tyson. Like a record player, he only does one thing, but he does it very well. His singular personality trait is dominance. Tyson’s kids could fill up an orphanage. What makes this disfigured, violent, mentally disturbed ear-chomping maniac so desirable? In a word: Dominance.
Becoming a Warrior (or at least not a wimp)
‘Whom does woman hate most? - thus spoke the iron to the magnet: “I hate you most, because you attract me, but are not strong enough to draw me towards you.”’
- Friedrich Nietzsche
In the animal world, males compete with other males through violent combat for scarce reproductive resources. What good are the horns of stags, the mandibles of stag beetles, or the fierce canines of chimpanzees if not as weapons in the sexual contest for women? And within our own species, how many fistfights, gun battles, or sword duels have been fought over love? We too are equipped for combat in the war for reproduction.
Ten thousand years ago, we lived in tribes. A woman's role in the tribe was to keep a clean camp, make babies and food - and not necessarily in that order. Men hunted and fought - sometimes with other tribes, sometimes amongst themselves. The male's agility, strength, savagery and intelligence determined his ability to rise in the social order. Those who rose quickly acquired mates; those who did not, did not. The successful warrior and hunter monopolized female sexual resources in the tribe; his polygamy knew no limits.
The warrior-king Moolay Ishmael The Bloodthirsty entered the history books as the most successful reproductive male ever recorded, racking up over one thousand children. As both a warrior and a king, he was the epitome of sex appeal. When a woman tells you she’s looking for a ‘nice man,’ remember Moolay. Not for nothing was he called ‘The Bloodthirsty.’
Behold: The Hunter-Killer. Clad in thick, blood-soaked wolfskin and waving a savage black blade above his red war-painted face, the lean and muscled warrior hurdles forward to battle with monstrous strides harvesting the scalps of all who oppose him ... …
Killing is sexy in the movies, but what about in real life? Apparently so, according to anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon, who chronicled the warrior lifestyle of the Yanomamo tribe. Chagnon reports that men who participate in ambushes and revenge killings enjoy greater sexual success than men who do not, including more sexual partners, more wives, and more children. Elizabeth Cashdan observes that ‘Yanomamo men who have killed enemies have both higher status and more wives. At least some of this appears to be due to their greater attractiveness as mates. ‘171
Like a Prince who would rather be feared than loved, it is better to act overly aggressive than overly meek. Err on the side of aggression; weaklings do not attract mates. Do not go out of your way to seek trouble, but if trouble finds you, do not back down easily. Women expect a man to stand up for them and stand up for themselves.
It is no coincidence that Moulay Ishmael the Bloodthirsty holds the record for number of offspring sired by a male. He wasn’t called ‘
the bloodthirsty’ for his charming demeanor. Only slightly more remarkable than his virility was his ferocity; he reportedly dispatched more men by his bare hands than children he fathered.
Risk-Taking and Bravery
Why wouldn’t females choose old men as mates over brave young studs? Females might benefit by choosing old men as mates because they have genes necessary for survival (by virtue of the fact that they survived to old age), but old men might be old precisely because they took no risks in reproductive conquests.
Blind Watchmaker author Richard Dawkins explains that ‘Longevity is not prima facie evidence of virility. Indeed, a long lived male may have survived precisely because he does not take risks in order to reproduce. A female who selects an old male is not necessarily going to have more descendants than a rival female who chooses a young one who shows some other evidence of good genes.’172
Evidence of good genes includes risk-taking and bravery. Men who take risks are more likely to pass on their genes than cowards or wimps. Risk-takers might not live to be old men, but they are sexy in spite of (or maybe because of) their high mid-life mortality rate. Under the ruthless logic of natural selection, the man who dies at forty years of age and leaves one descendent has ‘outperformed’ the man who dies at eighty, leaving no descendents. Living cautiously might be good for an individual, but it is not good for his genetic legacy.
Can you guess what sports women find sexiest? It ain’t golf, folks. Rock climbing ranks number one. Climbing also offers a perfect way to meet beautiful, fit, healthy women. Rock climbing creates deep attraction because of the SNS fear response which we will discuss in a later chapter. Introductory courses are widely available and indoor climbing gyms abound.
