by Amelia Jones
“I think you’re just finding a way to let off some of that pressurized anger that has been giving you a headache.”
She touched her head, surprised. “You might be right. My headache is completely gone.”
Howard then did his rendition of his father, being pompous and condescending. He concluded his imitation by saying, “Yep, I feel a bit of that guilt too. But it was worth it.”
Then he reached over and placed both of his hands on top of one of hers that was resting on the table. “Thank you, Alicia,” he said, “this has been incredible being able to say all these things out loud.”
Alicia placed her other hand over his and said, “I know. It has been fantastic to…,” she had been about to say, “…share my dreams” but that seemed too intimate. But that was what it was. Sharing things that she barely managed to tell Sophie about. She finished the sentence with “…talk.”
Alicia was suddenly shy and she felt her usual agitated feeling return. It was as if she had been in a bubble where time stopped. Sometimes she felt like this when she was swimming. Howard became quiet as well. The waitress returned with fresh mugs and a pot of coffee. She indicated that she would pour more coffee for them. Howard nodded.
They drank their coffee quietly and Howard said, “Well, I was hoping you would get my message that I left with your friend and call me back. But this was better.”
“Oh, I haven’t talked to her since Friday night.” She smiled. “But I would call you back.”
“Great. Because I was hoping you would so I could ask you out on a real date?”
“But what would we talk about?” Alicia asked.
Chapter 5
Alicia called Sophie on Monday and the first thing Sophie said was, “did you call Howard?”
Alicia says, “Yes.” She hadn’t told Howard that Sophie had called her the instant after he called Sophie. She had no intention of ever calling him. At least that was how she felt before the dinner with him last night.
“You really did?”
“Well not exactly.” Alicia gave her a stripped down version of her evening with Howard. And then changed the subject. She did not give Sophie the full replay of her afternoon with her mother. “I did. I had to do something to get the visit with Mom out of my system.”
“She was her usual charming self?”
“She was. You are so lucky to be three hundred miles away. Mom is way too close.” Alicia had the same push-pull feeling inside her when she mentioned their parents to Sophie. It was unfair of her to ask Sophie to bear the brunt of their nasty parents all the time. But Alicia didn’t want to be the only one there to cope with the guilt of not wanting to be near them. Even their younger sister had escaped.
Something had happened at dinner with Howard when she was doing her imitation of her mother. She had turned to look at the couple paying the bill in the restaurant and she saw the slightly overweight woman in the tight yellow pants. Instantly she slipped into the critical tone of her mother complete with the annoying chortle of smug condemnation.
Maybe it was the speed at which she assumed her mother’s persona, or the contrast between being mean, even though she was pretending, and their conversation about trying to improve the world.
She tried to remember her mother the way she had been when Alicia was a little girl. She could not conjure up any memories that were peaceful so she stopped trying to remember. Instead she thought about her life.
Alicia loved Mondays. The whole week spread out in front of her filled with seminars and workshops and labs. She could stay up all night and study if she wanted. The only restrictions on her time were the classes. She wondered how she’d feel if she had to give this up. Her feelings would begin with outrage. She let her thoughts roam, trying to follow the emotions that her mother must have felt when she gave up her studies to get married.
She had followed this train of thought in the past but it never seemed to make sense. Alicia’s father was a distant man, who spoke quietly and Alicia had never seen him be anything but supportive to his wife. Rotten to his kids but he always backed up Mom no matter how miserable she was.
Once upon a time, Alicia tried to figure out if her mother had been pregnant when she got married but she had done thorough research and it seemed that Sophie had really been born a good solid fourteen months after her parents got married.
She had also wondered if perhaps there had been another pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage shortly after they got married but further research indicated that the wedding had been planned for a full year before it took place.
She had been surprised to discover that her mother had actually completed her degree before she got married. Most of Alicia’s childhood friends came from families where the mothers worked and her mother always gave the impression that she would have worked outside the home too, if she had been given a chance.
Once she had asked Sophie what her thoughts on their mother’s life choices had been. “I was wondering why Mom never tried to do something outside the house.”
Sophie laughed, “I bet it was because no one would hire her.”
On the phone now, Sophie asked. “So are you going on another date with Howard?”
“Maybe,” Alicia said. Sophie could tell that her sister was not in the mood to be forthcoming.
***
Howard debated confronting his father the first thing Monday morning. His reluctance might have been part of his usual way of dealing with his father’s aggressive approach to life. Leland Wentworth was not a man to take no for an answer.
Howard had to test every nuance of his reluctance to tell his father what his life choice was. On Saturday, it had been fear of his father’s anger mixed with the certain knowledge that his father would mock him for being such a child with such childish feel-good dreams. Leland would ask him for details about his plan and what steps he had taken.
The reality was that he had taken no steps at all. It was a vague plan and while he could see himself carrying out his work in a third-world situation, the images were only clear in the specifics. He could see himself in a small office, working, for instance but he could not see anything of his overall project.
To confront his father this way, Howard was condemning himself to failure. He would be nothing more than a small child who was announcing that he was running away from home and asking for taxi fare to do so.
One of the reasons Howard was so good at computer science was that his mind was logical. He applied that logic to his current problem. He began sketching out the work flow for his education project and by the end of the day, although he had missed all his classes, he had a good strong grasp of what he had to do.
He drew up his plan of action and broke all the work flow steps into smaller units. As his plan took shape, he realized two things. One was that he had never been so energized in his life. The other was that he didn’t know anything at all about getting involved in a humanitarian project. There was a lot more to his dream than just writing a computer program.
It would be a busy week, he told himself. He began making the lists of the people he could contact and he should contact. He was almost embarrassed that he had never volunteered to work with disadvantaged children. Even worse, he had never even thought of it. He was burning with excitement and he wanted to tell someone about his plans.
He reached for his phone. He wanted to call Alicia to tell her about his – and then he stopped. To tell her what? That he had taken a few preliminary steps toward his chosen life’s goal? Then he realized that he still did not have her phone number. He did have Sophie’s. Then he realized that it was after midnight.
It was too late to call anyone tonight. However, tomorrow would be another day and he made a list for himself.
Chapter 6
Alicia was surprised that her thoughts had returned to her dinner with Howard again and again. She reviewed their conversation and kept thinking about how he said he wanted her to call so he could ask her out on a date. She did hav
e his number.
All through her classes her mind kept wandering to the matter of calling Howard. At first she liked that he was willing to leave it up to her. Then she was annoyed that he didn’t take that opportunity to ask for her number. Her mind came full circle back to her world where no distractions could be permitted.
By the time she returned to her room, Alicia was angry. She had wondered over the years how her mother had come to be such a bitterly unhappy person. At what point were her life’s choices taken from her? She had thought it might have been some big momentous event, such as a pregnancy that caused her to choose marriage over a career but the older she got, the more Alicia realized that could not be the case.
Beyond the logistics of such a wedding which Alicia had explored in depth, Alicia had not been the reason for her mother to remain unhappily at home for years. Her mother could have done anything she wanted. She could have gone back to school, opened her own business, used her education….
Alicia’s mind slipped over all the thoughts and explanations so many times that they were nothing more than background noise to her own thoughts.
After one date that was a pretty casual date with Howard, it came to Alicia. She suddenly saw how it could happen. It was nothing momentous after all. A person could become swayed from their chosen path with a series of minor choices.
Calling Howard was one of those minor choices. It would only be polite to call him and thank him for dinner. That was just common courtesy. But if she called Howard, she was taking the first deliberate step and that could change everything.
If she called Howard…. Alicia fell into a troubled sleep, angry at the situation she was in. She woke up a little less angry. However, she knew it would be another distracted day for her and it was nearly noon when she realized that her anger was still with her, still simmering under the surface.
She was sitting on a bench, a bottle of water in one hand and a half a sandwich in the other hand, trying to regain her normal sense of equilibrium. Usually sitting outside and carrying out her own version of meditation helped her shut out the noise of her own thoughts.
She was aware of someone sitting down next to her but that was not unusual. The bench didn’t have her name on it and usually other students sat next to her and they just ignored each other. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing slowly and mindfully.
“Are you sleeping?” the person beside her asked and her eyes flew open.
“Howard!”
“You were sleeping.” He grinned at her.
“No. Just trying to untangle the knots in my brain.” She took a bite of her sandwich. “Nourishing body and mind. It’s a healthy thing to do.”
“So is calling me. That is a very healthy thing to do.”
“I did intend to call you and thank you for dinner. I had a lovely time.”
“So did I.”
For all of their talking in the restaurant, they were having a difficult time with conversation at the moment. “Maybe we can do it again,” he said.
“Maybe we can.”
“How about tonight? I can pick you up at six.”
Alicia’s dilemma; and it became crystal clear in that moment, was that making any decision led to a new path in her life. If she said yes, the path could go one way. If she said no, the path could go the other way. If she declined to say yes or no, that was a choice too.
She opened her mouth but did not speak. She felt frozen in time.
“Are you all right?” Howard asked. He looked concerned and actually he did wonder if she was having a seizure of some sort. She was completely immobile, staring at him with her mouth half open.
She nodded her head, a barely perceptible nod.
“Great,” he said. “I’ll pick you up at six. Now all I need is your address.” He had her address, at least the one she had listed in the student records. But he was not willing to let her know that he had put any effort into knowing anything about her that she did not provide willingly.
“I meant, I’m all right.”
“What?”
“You asked if I was all right and I nodded, yes, because I am all right.”
“But I can still pick you up at six, right?”
She didn’t say anything and he said, “Are you afraid to say yes? Is there someone else? Is there something wrong with me? Is my hair messy? Do I have food on my face?”
She dropped her gaze and mumbled. “I have trouble making decisions.”
“No kidding.”
She shrugged as if to say, that’s just the way I am.
“I don’t think it is a good idea for me to make this decision for you, but I can tell you that most decisions don’t have to be written in stone.” He paused. “How about this? We’ll go to dinner together and you can leave anytime you want. Even before they bring the water and the menus. It does not have to be a lifetime commitment.”
Alicia was about to blurt out, “But it might be a lifetime commitment.” She didn’t. He would mistake her meaning. He would think she meant that having dinner with him would set off a chain reaction that would lead to them being together for the rest of their lives.
What she meant was that allowing herself to be swept into accepting intrusions in her life could become a new way of being and she would run out of time to do the things she needed to do.
“Oh come on, be daring. Besides I have things to tell you about my plan for after graduation.”
She gave him her address and he wrote it down.
Chapter 7
Howard pulled up in front of the house precisely at six just as Alicia was emerging from the front door. He got out of his car and walked toward her and gave her a hug. Then just as casually as he gave her the hug he guided her to the car and opened the passenger door for her.
“So where would you like to go for dinner?” He asked.
“Haven’t you figured out yet,” she said, “I really hate making decisions.” Alicia surprised herself by making a joke at her own expense.
“I thought it was just the big decisions that were difficult for you. Big decisions like whether or not to go out to dinner with me.”
“Well I kind of felt that I had to. It just seems simple courtesy after you told me you had new post-graduation plans.” Their tone was light and the comments were meant to be mildly jocular.
Not so jocularly, Howard said, “You really do have a hard time to make decisions, don’t you?”
“Apparently so. I had never even thought about it until very recently. I was thinking about it this afternoon after we talked. I think I managed to avoid decisions for most of my entire life. I only study things that come naturally to me. I don’t live much of a social life. My life just doesn’t call for too many decisions.”
“All right then. You don’t need to making decisions this evening either. Unless you strenuously object, I suggest we go back to the same place we were Sunday.”
Alicia began to laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was just about to say, but that’s going to put too much pressure on us. What if we don’t have a good time like we did on Sunday? Each of us is going to think that we will have to try harder to be entertaining.”
“Oh no, not that. I will end up feeling like I’m having dinner with mom and dad. Perform Howard. Make us laugh. Make us proud.”
Alicia said, “I used to think that when I grew up and got away to university that how mom felt wouldn’t affect me anymore. I’m glad to see that I am not alone in feeling that way.”
“Is it how she feels that affects you? Or how she makes you feel?” Howard said.
Oh, Alicia thought, he was overstepping the bounds of polite conversation. She bounced that boomerang back to him, “Is that the way it is with your dad?”
“A question is not a question if you already know the answer,” he responded. Then, changing the subject abruptly, he said, “I have a better idea. Let’s go to the new place downtown.”
Alicia didn’t reply so he con
tinued. “If you don’t like to make decisions, there’s always someone else willing to make that for you.” He realized he was taking a chance but he also realized it was a lot easier to focus on her fears then on his own.
“It sounds like you might be more like your father than you realize.”
“What you mean?”
“It seemed to me when you are talking Sunday night that your father was used to making your decisions for you.” She hesitated then continued, “And that you are used to letting him make them for you.”
“Blunt. And observant.”
“Thank you,” she said demurely. And then she continued, “Small talk isn’t my thing.”
“Nor mine,” he said. “Let’s make a deal. For as long as we are friends, let’s be blunt with each other. Talking to you the other night stirred up an energy in me that I didn’t even know I had.”
“Agreed; let’s just be as open as possible with each other. I’d like that.”
They were silent for the next few minutes as Howard maneuvered through traffic to the downtown area. As he pulled into the restaurant parking lot, he said, “Now I feel a tremendous pressure on me to say something witty and meaningful every time I speak to you.”
“As well you should,” she said. She was smiling.
“Do you think we can take the pressure?” he said.
She ignored his question and said, “Or even worse. What if we get in the habit of saying what’s on our minds and we forget when we talk to other people and tell them exactly what we think.”
“That might not be a bad thing.”
Over dinner, Howard talked about the plan he was developing for his future endeavors. He sketched in the rough version of it on a piece of paper he got from the waiter. It was just the very basics of a plan that involve setting up a small organization that could network with organizations already in place and coordinate the skills needed with the areas that needed each specific set of talent.
