by M. D. Massey
Everywhere I looked, treasures were neatly organized into stacks, bins, and boxes, each labeled and tagged in meticulous handwritten script. Not a single coin was out of place, and despite the size of the vault, every spot and corner was free from dust, cobwebs, and mold—stuff you’d normally see collecting inside a monster’s treasure stash.
“Wow. I’d say your ex has issues, Kiara.”
She batted her eyes and frowned. “He’s a bit—how do you humans say it? Anal retentive?”
“That’s just a shrink’s polite way of calling someone an asshole,” I replied. “Speaking of which, grab your wings and take us to the Piscina so we can get out of here before the big fella shows up.”
“Too late,” Crowley croaked from nearby.
My head snapped in the direction of his voice. He was dangling in the air with a huge, six-fingered, disembodied hand wrapped around his neck. The dark wizard sprouted spikes and spines made of shadow from every surface of his body, piercing the hand and causing the Ojáncanu to toss him away. Crowley bounced off a nearby stone column before landing in a heap on the floor, dazed and temporarily out of commission.
The rest of the giant’s body coalesced into view, and he was a sight. The Ojáncanu was nearly as tall as the door we’d entered through, and almost as broad, with muscles rippling across his arms and bare chest. He wore a leather kilt, similar to the pteruges that Roman soldiers had once worn. It was belted at his waist by a wide, three-buckled leather kidney belt that covered most of his abdomen.
His chest and arms were bare, save for the thick leather bracers at his wrists, and his skin was covered with scars and coarse red hair that matched that on his head. His head was shaved around the sides, and the remaining shock of bright red hair above his single, massive, unblinking eye had been woven into several long braids that reached his waist. He nearly dropped his huge bronze-headed spear as he shook out his hand and sucked at his fingertips.
The giant roared and cursed in ancient Galician. I understood him clearly, since I’d been raised speaking the modern and ancient dialects of that language.
“Fucking wizards! Always full of tricks. Should’ve burned the lot of them, back during the Dark Ages.” He eyed the wizard through narrowed eyes. “A bit scrawny, I suppose—but certainly meat enough to flavor a stew.”
I whispered in a sidebar to Kiara. “Psst… any ideas?”
“Um, run?” she replied. Then she took off at a sprint, scrambling along the wall and over to a small, ornate chest. The sprite reached inside the keyhole and rooted around until it clicked. She flipped open the lid and pulled out a lovely pair of butterfly wings colored in shades of cerulean blue and bordered in black.
“My wings!” she declared, hugging them to her chest.
“Kiara, you’d better not bail on us,” I whispered loudly, just as she reached over her shoulders with surprising flexibility to attach her wings. Interestingly, they snapped into place and sort of melded with her shoulder blades, just as if they’d been there all along.
The sprite flapped her wings a few times, then snapped them forcefully as she leapt into the air. Soon, she hovered gracefully, wings beating a steady tempo as she floated in midair. She looked back over her shoulder, admiring her wings at work as she flew in twists and loops.
“Wheeeeee!” she sang as she flitted around the room, heading in a circuitous manner toward another arched doorway at the back of the vault. The opening revealed a spiral stairway beyond, which I assumed connected the treasure room with the giant’s throne room many levels above us.
“Kiara, we had a deal!” I shouted, not caring if the cyclops noticed me or not.
“I’ll be right back!” she sang in her high-pitched voice. “Don’t die while I’m gone, alright?”
“Damn it!” I cursed as I reached under my jacket to pull the Uzis from their shoulder rigs. The giant had nearly reached Crowley, who still hadn’t quite recovered. I had no doubts about the Ojáncanu’s intentions; the cyclops was licking his lips.
“Maybe I’ll just take a bite from his leg,” the giant mumbled, fully engrossed by the many meal prospects that Crowley apparently presented. “Just to see how tender he is. Then I’ll know how long I’ll need to let the stew simmer.”
“Hey, ugly!” I yelled, flipping the submachine guns to full auto and depressing the triggers. I fired in short bursts, wanting to conserve my ammo, and a dozen or so rounds slammed into the giant’s back.
He roared and stamped his foot, shaking the ground a bit. “What’s stinging me?” he yelled, slapping and swiping at his back as if the bullets were nothing more than ant bites.
Shockingly, that was about all the effect they appeared to have on the giant. My jaw dropped as he brushed away several flattened bullets from where they’d hit his bare flesh. The bullets left small circular welts on his skin, but otherwise they’d done zero damage.
“Well, that’s just peachy,” I muttered.
Then I charged the cyclops, screaming like a banshee at the top of my lungs.
25
I was halfway across the treasure vault and nowhere near my goal of taking the Ojáncanu’s attention off Crowley. The fact was, this was one stupid giant. Sure, he was pissed at finding us in his treasure room, but after Crowley had done his porcupine routine, the giant had zeroed in on him to the exclusion of everyone else in the room.
Namely, me.
The Ojáncanu had shaken off the pain of the “bee stings” I’d caused with my Uzi submachine guns, and he was only a few steps away from Crowley. Apparently, he perceived me as being of little consequence—no surprise, considering my stature and complete failure at causing him damage. Or, he was saving me for an after-dinner snack.
The cyclops hummed a silly tune to himself as he sauntered over to the wizard. “Stomp his bones and tear his flesh, cook eggs and hash with the bloody mess…” Or something to that effect. I was moving at a flat-out sprint, but there was no way I’d get there in time to save Crowley… and I had no idea how I’d save him from the jolly red-haired cannibalistic giant, anyway.
Then, something captured my attention as I whizzed past. It looked like a bird bath, with a shallow bowl and pedestal cut from the purest crystal, clear and flawless without a single crack or blemish. In the center of the shallow receptacle on top, a pool of shimmering, glowing liquid pulsed and vibrated in time with each step the giant made.
The Piscina. Now, I’d have some leverage over the giant. I just hoped it’d be enough to get us out of here alive.
I skidded to a stop and drew both my Desert Eagle magnums, firing them in the air. The Uzi machine guns were suppressed, so they hadn’t made much noise. But I didn’t have silencers on my Desert Eagles, and the .44 magnum rounds were loud as hell in this enclosed space. Plus, I was much closer to the giant and Crowley than I’d been—so the noise immediately got a reaction from the Ojáncanu. He hunched his massive shoulders and began ponderously turning in my direction.
Just to ensure I had his complete attention, I decided to taunt him. “Hey, dipshit! Yeah, you—the giant redhead who’s so ugly, he has to sneak up on his mirror. You’re so ugly, I bet your mother had to be drunk to breastfeed you. You’re so ugly, I bet you had to trick or treat by phone when you were a kid!”
He’d fully turned to face me by this point, and looked like he was getting pissed. “What did you say about my mother?”
Hah, found his weakness. “I said, your mother is so ugly, she makes blind kids cry. She’s so ugly, your family took her to the zoo and they thanked you for bringing back the escaped baboon. She’s so ugly, you took her to the circus, and they offered her a permanent position in their freak show. She’s so ugly…”
The giant held up one of his huge, six-fingered hands and cut me off. “I get it. Everyone knows my mother is ugly. It’s a point of pride among female cyclops. Now, be quiet while I tenderize this wizard. I’ll get to you in a minute.”
The giant began to turn back to Crowley, so I fired a round int
o the stone floor next to his magic bird bath. He turned back around immediately.
“Got your attention now? Back away from, my friend, or I’ll shatter the Piscina de Cristal into a million pieces.” I fired another round that ricocheted off the flagstones, narrowly missing the Piscina.
The Ojáncanu’s eye swung back and forth between me and the Piscina de Cristal. Then, he looked at me and squinted. “You’re one of the Anjana’s bitches.” He leaned toward me and took a long sniff. “No magic. Either she rejected you, or you’re still a whelp.”
“I may not have any magic, but I have a pair of boomsticks that’ll turn the Piscina to dust. Then what will you do?” I asked.
“You wouldn’t,” he replied. “She needs the magic, just as badly as I do.”
I scowled. “Are you serious? I can’t stand that witch, and I’ve been doing everything I can to get out from under her.”
“Join me, then. I’m in need of a new concubine.”
I screwed my face up into a look of disgust. “Um, no. Just… no.” Crowley was beginning to stir behind him, so I decided to keep him occupied by stringing him along. “But, just in case I was interested…” I pointed the barrel of one of my pistols at his groin and moved it around like a laser pointer.
“How does it work?” He laughed. “It works just fine, believe me.”
Ugh. Men. They’re all the same. “Yeah, but I like ’em big, if you know what I mean. Meaning, I’d like to see the merchandise, before I commit to anything.”
The cyclops’ face split into a wicked grin. “Well then, let me show you what you’re in for as my concubine.”
He reached down and lifted his leather kilt—and wouldn’t you know it, he wore it like a Scotsman. Totally commando. I resisted the urge to barf.
“Hmmm… looks a little small to me.”
The giant’s face lit up with indignation. “Small? I’ll show you small…”
He grabbed his manhood with one hand and lifted it for me to see, just like I figured he would. Males were so easily manipulated. All you had to do was hint that they might get laid, and they’d do the stupidest shit.
Thanks for playing into my hands, dickweed, I thought.
Then I shot him three times, right in the cock and balls.
Based on what I’d seen nine-millimeter rounds do to the skin on his back, I figured I had little chance of causing him permanent injury. But a .44 magnum packed a serious punch, and I figured it’d hurt just like getting racked. Turns out I was right, because the Ojáncanu’s eye opened wide, and he made a little squeaking noise as he grabbed his sack with both hands and fell to the floor.
26
“Crowley, get up. We have to go, now!”
The wizard wobbled to his feet, then staggered around the giant—who was preoccupied with writhing on the floor in pain.
“Grab the Piscina, and let’s go,” I hissed at Crowley as I grabbed his hand, pulling him along beside me.
He reached out with his free hand toward the magic bird bath, but nothing happened. I slowed to allow him to concentrate fully on the task. Still, nothing occurred—except that Crowley tossed his cookies, all over the vault floor.
“I can’t seem to cast any magic,” he said between heaves.
“You have a concussion. Great.” A quick glance at the giant told me he wouldn’t be down for long. “C’mon, it’s time for the backup plan. Can you walk out of here?”
He nodded. “I believe so, yes.”
“Alright. Just be sure to stick close, because it might get hairy on our way out.”
I ran over and picked up the Piscina. For a three-foot tall crystal sculpture filled to the rim with magic, it was exceptionally light, if awkward to carry. The trick would be carrying it out without spilling any of its magic. I had no idea what would happen if I did, but I figured it couldn’t be good.
I carefully heel-toed it toward the giant’s private entrance, because I figured it was the easiest and fastest way out. “Let’s go, Crowley.”
I lodged the door to the stairwell shut with a giant chair before ascending the stairs. I figured it wouldn’t hold long against the cyclops’ size and strength, but it’d at least slow him down.
When we got to the top landing, I could already hear the giant banging on the door below. It was made of thick wood, and banded with iron like the one we’d entered through. I gave him just minutes before he busted through it.
Crowley leaned against the door frame of the entrance to the Ojáncanu’s throne room. “You’re looking a little green around the gills there, Crowley,” I said as I carefully set the Piscina down. “Give me a minute to do some recon.”
He waved me off with a flick of his fingers, resting his head against the cool surface of the stone wall. I slowly cracked open the door to the throne room, peeking through the opening to see what we were up against.
What I saw shocked me. There were bodies strewn everywhere—mouros, duende, giant spiders, and trasgu alike. None had been spared from the destruction, and from the looks of it, the attack had happened just moments prior.
A loud crash and a roar of anger and pain from below told me that the Ojáncanu had broken through. I grabbed the Piscina and pulled Crowley upright.
“Come on, we need to get moving.” I threw open the door, and we scuttled through as quickly as possible.
“What happened here?” Crowley asked as we skirted around pools of blood and twisted bodies.
“I have no idea, but I’m not going to look a gift slaughter in the mouth. Considering how many stairs we climbed, we should be close to the exit. Let’s just hope it’s clear the whole way out, and that we don’t run into whatever did this.”
We exited the throne room and kept heading up and out of the cave system, but with every step it seemed that the Ojáncanu was getting closer. He was obviously still in a lot of pain and moving slow, but he was gaining on us. We simply couldn’t move that quickly while I carried the Piscina and Crowley was concussed. Plus, the piles of bodies lying everywhere often presented obstacles to our escape.
We were almost to the exit when Kiara flitted into view. “There you are! And I see you found the Piscina. Told you I would fulfill my end of the bargain.”
I set the Piscina down and glared at her. “We did, no thanks to you.”
Her tiny face crinkled into a frown. “Did I not lead you to the vault?”
I rolled my eyes and glanced over my shoulder. “Look, we can discuss this later. Right now, we need to move. Your ex is right on our tails.”
The sprite smiled maniacally, an expression that was somehow fitting on her cute pixie face. “Oh, don’t worry about him—I have that covered. Now, all we have to do is hide for a few moments and allow him to pass us by.”
I was skeptical, what with her bailing on us in the vault. But I complied when Kiara led us to an alcove, and Crowley was still out of commission and just along for the ride anyway. I watched as Kiara dipped a finger into the Piscina. She licked the magic that clung to her finger like cake frosting and made a face that spoke of pure ecstasy. I guessed that ingesting raw magic was a rare treat for a faery, so I couldn’t hold it against her—but the noises that came from her made me uncomfortable.
After Kiara was done making sexy-time sounds and faces, she cast a spell over us, one that I assumed would hide us from the Ojáncanu. After that, we waited.
Not long after, the Ojáncanu walked right by us, muttering curses in ancient Galician and modern Spanish and holding his nut sack in one hand. I fought back a laugh as he tottered by, guarding his man parts to keep them from getting bumped by his thighs. It had almost been worth the trouble. Almost.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Kiara placed a finger to her lips and shook her head. Then she held up one hand with her fingers spread, and began to silently count down to one by folding each finger in turn. On cue, we heard a roar from the mouth of the cavern—then a lot of yelling, then a great deal of crashing and thrashing around.
Eventually, th
e noise faded off into the distance. Kiara smiled and dropped the illusion. “I believe it’s safe to leave now,” she said.
“Kiara, what exactly did you do?”
The sprite placed a finger on her chin and smiled coyly. “What, little old me? I simply found the culebre and told her that the Ojáncanu had a change of heart regarding our disagreement, and he had finally freed me from her clutches.”
“At which point she rampaged through the caverns, killing everyone in sight,” I replied.
Crowley spoke up from where he leaned against the wall a few feet away. “I hope you’re not complaining. Now, can we please get back to the villa, so I can succumb to this head injury in peace?”
Epilogue
Two days later, Crowley and I enjoyed some much-needed rest and relaxation at Playa Rodas on the Illas Cíes. My family owned a small getaway in Vigo, the ownership of which dated back centuries. We had taken the ferry to the islands, along with a cooler full of food and beverages, and had spent the better part of the day lounging on the beach.
Crowley had been taking selfies of us the entire time. Although I’d finally figured out what he was up to, I decided to let him have his fun… if only because I knew that Colin would be sweating it back home.
Petty, I know, but a girl has to keep her man in line.
We’d taken the Piscina de Cristal back to the Anjana, and true to her word the old bitty had agreed to allow me to return to the States for a period of no more than ten years. What she didn’t know, and what I didn’t tell her, was that I’d taken a flask of that liquified, concentrated magic with me. Eventually, I’d find a way to use it to break free from the Anjana’s influence.
Unfortunately, I’d also accidentally spilled some of the Piscina’s magic on myself while escaping the Ojáncanu’s cave.
Crowley stretched languidly on a towel next to me. He’d managed to hide most of his scars with a pair of Ray-Bans and a boonie hat. It made him look like a total tourist… but it was also kind of cute. And despite the scars on his hand and arm, he’d gotten a few looks from passersbys already, probably due to his olive skin and rippling abs.
