by JoAnn Durgin
“No reason you can’t feel that way every day.” Bridging the distance between them, he planted both hands on her shoulders. She sank into those deep green eyes. Her fickle heart was on the slippery slope into something she wasn’t sure she welcomed. More like she wasn’t sure she was ready. Could she open herself to more hurt from a man in her life? If she wasn’t ready, it wasn’t right to lead Alex on, making him believe something could ever happen between them. That wouldn’t be fair to him. Her spirits sank further.
From her father on down the line, in every relationship she’d ever had with a man, they’d let her down in some way. She had to face the facts: something must be lacking in her because she hadn’t been enough for them in one way or another. If she had been, maybe they’d have stuck around. In some cases, it was for the best that they’d parted. Maybe she was more like her mother than she’d realized. What a sad thought.
Lord, can I risk giving my love to Alex?
The sadness in Alex’s eyes and his drawn features pierced her conscience. She’d hurt him. Nicole could only hope he understood she wasn’t rejecting him. Everything in her screamed to wrap her arms around him, kiss him like there was no tomorrow, and never let him go.
“It’s not you, Alex. It’s me.” Lord, help him understand. But how could he understand when she didn’t understand it herself? She didn’t deserve this man. He needed to find a woman who could come to him freely without insecurities and trust issues.
His jaw tightened, and he fixed her with a probing stare. “That’s not good enough, not to mention it’s a classic copout. I deserve better, and so do you. I kissed you because I can’t stop thinking about you. I went to sleep last night wondering what you were doing, what you were thinking. I’ll probably be wondering those same things tonight. Then the same pattern of thinking will start up all over again in the morning. To be repeated no less than a hundred times during the course of the day. Just like every single day since I’ve met you. In other words, you’re the most distracting woman I’ve ever met.”
She swallowed. “An unwelcome distraction, you mean.”
A sound of frustration escaped, and he heaved a sigh as he tore his gaze from hers. “Listen to what I’m really saying here, Nicole.” Dragging her into his arms, not asking her permission this time nor allowing her to escape, he dipped his head and brought his lips close, and she was powerless to resist him.
“At the risk of sounding like Slade what’s-his-name, I want to be the man who rescues you from yourself as much as anything else. You’re a completely nutty, gorgeous, fantastic, and sometimes incredibly stubborn woman. But, in spite of it all,” he said, tipping her chin, “I find that you are the only woman I want to kiss ever again in my lifetime.”
With that, Alex lowered his lips to hers in a long, searching kiss he no doubt meant to be persuasive. The man certainly knew how to prove his point. When he released her, a small groan escaped from somewhere deep in his throat while she gripped the counter to stay upright. She’d never been kissed so thoroughly, or so convincingly.
“I’ll see you in the morning. Get some sleep.” He gave her one last lingering glance. “Just so you know, I’m not planning on going anywhere. Good night.” With that, he exited the kitchen.
Staring after him, Nicole touched her fingers to her lips. “Good night, Alex.”
19
Sunday Morning, Starlight
When Nicole stepped through the front doors of the church, Pastor Ted and his wife greeted her with warm hugs as if she’d never left town. Many in the congregation followed suit with more embraces and words of welcome. Several mentioned how proud they were of her work on the show. Nothing felt more right than sitting in the beautiful stone church, preparing to worship with some of her dearest friends in the world.
“Scoot over, honey.”
Nicole smiled as the scent of lilac perfume enveloped her. She slid down the wooden pew, allowing room for Caroline and Ben. “Good morning.” She hugged Caroline and squeezed Ben’s hand. “If it was any other day of the week but Sunday, I’d be sitting at the counter in Barney’s Diner ordering my usual cup of Earl Grey.”
Caroline laughed under her breath. “And I’d give you a slice of cherry cheesecake.”
“After all, it’s not just for breakfast anymore.” Nicole tried to stifle her yawn and wondered if Alex had tossed and turned a large part of the night just as she had. “By the way, your secret’s out.”
Ben chuckled. “Which one? My honey bunny still can’t brew a decent cup of coffee to save her life.”
Caroline swatted her husband’s arm. “You hush. Paint something decent, Mr. Picasso, and then we’ll talk.”
Nicole’s heart warmed at their familiar, good natured banter. “I hear the owner of Barney’s Diner now answers to the name of Picasso.”
Caroline waved her hand. “Silliness. Don’t know where you heard that. Where’s handsome Mr. Kingsfield this morning? Is he joining you for the service?”
“Dante’s bringing him. They were talking together in his study after breakfast. I came on ahead with Amanda so I could visit with some of the others before the service.” Nicole glanced over her shoulder, nodding to Henrietta a couple of rows back.
Angie waved from the door where she and Harry greeted members and handed out morning programs.
“That man’s in love with you, you know,” Caroline said, leaning close. “I’ve seen that look around Starlight a few times, and I know it. Want me to start naming names?”
Ben chuckled and gave Nicole a wink. “Just agree and you’ll be better off.”
Caroline gave her husband a love tap. “I talked with Alex last night when you were helping with the kiddos, Nicole. You know what impressed me so much about him?”
“What’s that?”
“He hasn’t forgotten his roots, and he values his family. Respect. That’s what it was. That says an awful lot about a man’s character.”
Nicole nodded. “From what he’s told me, he’s very close with them.”
“How about you?” Caroline nudged her shoulder. “Are you going to see your mama before you leave the area?”
A flush of warmth invaded Nicole’s cheeks. “Caroline, you know that’s difficult for me. Now that Grandma and Grandpa are gone, I…just don’t know.” A twinge of guilt pinched her. She didn’t want to break her promise to visit, but her mom wouldn’t know the difference.
Caroline put a hand on her arm, giving her a light squeeze. “Sweetie, even if she doesn’t know you’re there, I think you need to do it for you. Take Alex along with you for moral support. I’m sure he’d like to meet her.”
When Nicole hesitated, Caroline’s brows drew together. “You haven’t told him yet, have you?”
“No, it’s not that. He knows.”
“Good. You’re not worried that your mama’s condition will somehow jeopardize the way he feels about you, are you? ’Cause if you are, then I don’t think you’re giving that young man enough credit.”
Nicole released a sigh. “I’m not worried about that, but Alex is going back to New York tomorrow afternoon. I’ve only known him since Tuesday. In some ways, it seems like we’ve crammed a lifetime into the past week. But I don’t see how we can plan a future together when we’re not in the same city or even in the same state. That wouldn’t work no matter how much we care for each other. We’ve formed a solid bond, but it’s complicated.” A tear slipped down her cheek and she brushed it away.
Caroline shifted on the pew and faced her, taking hold of both her hands. “Look at me.”
Nicole met the older woman’s piercing blue eyes.
“Jesus hasn’t met anything He can’t conquer. Distance isn’t a barrier when the heart’s involved, and You ask Him to be a part of your relationship. Pray about it, and I’m sure between the two of you, you’ll figure it out.” She squeezed her hands.
“The two of us? Meaning me and the Almighty or…?”
“Actually, all three of you. Don’t you fret
now. It’ll all work out. The service is going to start soon, and I have a question. Do you have a place to go for Christmas?”
Nicole shook her head. “No, not really.” Artie always issued a standing invitation to those who couldn’t make it home or didn’t have close family, but the idea wasn’t appealing this year.
Caroline patted her arm. “Then you’re coming back home and staying with us for Christmas. You’re family, and our door’s always open.”
More tears sprang into Nicole’s eyes. She kissed Caroline’s soft cheek. “I love you.”
“Love you, too, honey. Come whenever you want. We’ll be expecting you.” Ben echoed the sentiment.
As the organ prelude began, Nicole bowed her head. As always, she prayed for her mother and for Colin to find the Savior. She prayed for her co-workers and the residents of the mission. Then she began to pray about Alex, hesitating, not exactly sure how best to pray. So many thoughts swirled in her mind, all fighting for precedence.
Father, when Alex submits his report to the network, I have no idea what he’ll recommend. But You do, Father. Help me accept whatever may come with Your grace. Problem is, I’m not sure what I want. I’m confused. I love my job, and the opportunity to move to a national level is exciting, but it’s also intimidating. In one way, it’s what I’ve always wanted. But if I move, will I be giving up—or pushing aside, at least for now—the possibility of settling down and starting a family? I love Alex, Father, but am I being fair to him? How can we share a future together if he’s committed to traveling so much?
The wooden pew creaked.
Alex. She didn’t need to look up to know it was him.
Head still bowed but comforted by his presence, Nicole continued her time of silent prayer.
If I’m working at the national level, I’m afraid something would have to give. I don’t know that I’m willing to do that, Father. You know my heart better than anyone. I don’t want that “something” that’s sacrificed to be the chance for personal happiness and the fulfillment of raising children with the man I love. More importantly, what do You want for me? I surrender my will to You, Father. I pray You fill me with Your peace. Where You lead, I will follow.
Feeling encouraged and renewed, Nicole lifted her head and stared straight ahead as the strains of the music flowed over her. When she glanced at Alex a minute later, their gazes locked, just as they had that first day in the television studio. “I’m sorry about what I said last night,” she murmured.
“No worries.” Clasping her hand in his, Alex rose to his feet beside her as the congregation began singing the first verse of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.”
She leaned her head against his shoulder, and he moved his arm around her.
“We’re in this together,” he whispered after the hymn ended. “Don’t be afraid. He’ll show us the way. We just need to trust Him.”
20
Sunday Afternoon
Alex sat in a chair in the corner of Nicole’s mother’s room. That dreaded sense of helplessness invaded him.
“Who are you?” Nicole’s mom, Laura, stared at her daughter through vacant blue eyes. The two women sat in chairs facing one another across the room. Nicole resembled her mother physically, both in her fine bone structure and slender figure.
“It’s Nicole, Mom. How are you feeling today?”
“Don’t know why you keep calling me that.”
Alex listened to variations of this same exchange countless times during the almost hour-long visit. Nicole had told him he could wait outside if he wanted, but no way would he leave her.
The facility was an upscale one, and Laura occupied a private room. His grandfather resided in a similar facility, and he knew they didn’t come cheap. From what Jeannie told him, Nicole lived a surprisingly frugal lifestyle. Now he understood why.
The interaction between the two women was unlike anything he’d ever witnessed, alternately comical and heartbreaking. Sadness emanated from Nicole. If he could take her pain upon himself, he’d gladly do it.
“Your roses are pretty, aren’t they?” Nicole pulled out a long-stemmed pink rose and held it to her nose. “They smell good, too.”
“Put that back, girl. It doesn’t belong to you. It’s mine.”
“I’m sorry.” With the utmost care, Nicole replaced the bloom in the bouquet. “I brought you a Christmas gift.”
Laura moved her gaze to Alex as Nicole placed the wrapped gift on the table beside where she sat. “Are you my father?”
“No,” he said. “My name is Alex Kingsfield, Mrs. Reardon.”
Laura balked. “Who’s Mrs. Reardon?” She looked him up and down, appraising him. “You’re a nice looking man.”
“Thank you.” He caught Nicole’s small smile. “I live in New York.”
“Do you now? Did you say you’re my father?”
And so it went in endless circles. Pulling his chair close to where she sat, Alex helped her open the gift. He praised Nicole for wrapping the box so beautifully. Laura didn’t comment although she helped him tear the paper.
He pulled out the robe and laid it across Laura’s lap. She ran her fingers over the soft fabric with a wistful smile and a faraway look in her eyes while he carried on as much of a conversation with her as he could. At one point, Alex noticed Nicole had slipped into the hallway to speak with one of the nurses. Judging by her expression when she returned, the report from the nurse offered no encouragement. Most likely, her mother’s condition would never change and would continue to deteriorate.
Escorting Nicole back to the car, Alex kept his arm around her, drawing her close, sensing she needed the comforting gesture as much as anything else. For once, he found himself at a loss for words. He couldn’t imagine how he’d feel if his own mother were afflicted with a horrible disease that ravaged the mind and robbed her of memories of family, friends, and life as she’d known it.
“I’ve asked God to forgive me more times than I can count,” Nicole said as he steered the car back onto the highway, bound for Des Moines.
“Why’s that? You’re doing all you can for your mom. She’s well cared for and is enjoying the best quality of life she can. She seemed to appreciate the robe. It was very nice.”
“I’ve prayed for her to die, Alex.” Nicole ran her hand through her hair and stared at the scenery passing by outside the passenger window. Although she remained calm, the despondency in her voice made his heart lurch. “What kind of good Christian am I to pray such a horrible thing? I can’t help it. It’s like she’s in a prison of some kind although Mom did nothing wrong. It’s so unfair. I know it’s not my place to question God’s reasons, but sometimes I do.” She twisted her hands in her lap. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept what’s happened to her. She’s not the only one trapped in that prison.”
Alex reached for her hand, gripped it tight, and kept hold of it on the console between them. “I imagine that’s a natural reaction, given the circumstances. I’m glad you shared it with me.” Lifting her hand, he kissed her fingers, smoothing his thumb over her knuckles. “When I return to New York, I want you to call me anytime you need to talk. No matter where I am, I’ll answer or get back to you as soon as I can.”
“Thank you.” He’d already given her the information for every imaginable way to communicate with him at a moment’s notice. He hoped she understood the depth of his feelings and would, in fact, reach out if she needed him. Sliding down in the luxurious leather seats of the SUV, Nicole closed her eyes. “I realize how grossly inadequate that seems. You were so good with her today, Alex. That means more than you know.”
21
Monday Morning – Des Moines
Nicole half listened as she sat across from Alex at the station’s conference room table. She trained her gaze on him and nodded at what seemed appropriate times as he relayed his observations of the station’s operations and Wake Up, Des Moines! The consummate professional, Alex highlighted the positive aspects before suggesting w
ays to improve efficiency and bolster ratings.
Colin nudged her beneath the table and leaned close. “Alex seems to be avoiding looking at you while he’s aimed a number of pointed glances my way,” he whispered. “Any theories?”
“I’m sure I don’t know,” she whispered back. She hated telling Colin a half truth, but now wasn’t the time to discuss it. Her mind swirled with a hundred different questions, and no doubt Alex was equally confused. If he looked at her now—or she at him—someone, if not everyone, would suspect the depth of emotion surging between them.
Five minutes later, Colin nudged her again and passed a note to her under the table, dropping it on her lap. She waited a moment before unfolding and reading his loopy scrawl in all capital letters: DO YOU LOVE HIM?
Trying not to be obvious, Nicole picked up her pen and scribbled her reply: Yes.
After reading her response, Colin took her hand and squeezed it. She blinked back tears.
At the meeting’s conclusion, Alex talked with Artie and Mike, and Colin pulled her into the hallway. “I owe you an apology, Nikki. I misspoke and judged Alex unfairly when he first arrived. In fact, he’s proven himself to be a very honorable sort, and I don’t believe he’d toy with your affections.”
Nicole managed a smile. “Always my valiant protector.”
“In an odd way, his avoidance of you in the meeting spoke volumes more than if he’d jumped on the top of the table and shouted out his deep affection for you.” Colin tapped her chin. “Whether or not you heard much of what Alex said in the meeting, he’s very impressed with you. I have every reason to believe your spectacular interview in Starlight with the soccer star will indeed be your ticket out of Des Moines.”
They both nodded to a few of the staffers and Jeannie as they passed through the hallway. “You know, that’s what I thought I wanted.” Nicole kept her voice low. “I love it here, Colin. A larger station, a bigger show, doesn’t necessarily equate with success, and it doesn’t mean I’ll be any happier.”
