by Heidi Rice
‘Then why are you crying?’
‘I’m sad that you still don’t realise how important you are, to me and Toto and everyone else here.’
‘Not that important,’ he said. ‘I managed to totally screw up the farm’s management.’
However badly he’d treated Ellie way back when, and however stupid the decision to kiss her last night while she was pissed, he could have done without her pointing out to the whole co-op what a loser he was as a manager.
‘Stop it,’ Dee said, impatiently. ‘You took on a job you hated, because I asked you to, and you never once complained. And the farm’s financial situation is not your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself all the time. You did the same with Alicia and it drove me mad.’
His stomach plummeted. Please God, they were not going to talk about Alicia now. How had a simple apology turned into his worst nightmare?
‘Alicia was fragile,’ he said. ‘I screwed her, got her pregnant and then kicked her out. Toto doesn’t have a mother because I made a mess of things.’
‘Alicia was a twenty-six-year-old woman and you were seventeen when you first started screwing each other on a regular basis, so I think you’re kidding yourself if you think you seduced her.’
Dee’s crude assessment of his affair with Alicia was a slap to his pride, but the revelation that Dee had known about them from the start added a nice thick layer of humiliation.
‘You didn’t mess up Alicia,’ Dee stressed. ‘She had serious addiction issues, which she made no effort to solve. You did the right thing kicking her out and Toto is better off because of it.’
Was she? There was something Ellie had shouted at him her first day on the farm that had been torturing him ever since. And he couldn’t hold on to his guilt about that a moment longer.
‘Toto wants to be a boy,’ he said. ‘How is that better off?’ His daughter had gender identity issues for Chrissake.
‘Toto doesn’t want to be a boy,’ Dee said, dismissing his fears with an impatient flick of her wrist. ‘She wants to be like you. But, even if she did want to be a boy, why would that be a bad thing?’
‘Because she’s not one?’ Wasn’t it obvious? What exactly were they talking about now? This was precisely why he didn’t get involved in these sorts of conversations. They never made any sense.
‘Does Toto strike you as a child who is unhappy in her own skin?’ Dee asked him sternly.
‘No… I… I guess not.’
‘Then stop talking nonsense.’ She glanced at his plate. ‘Are you going to finish that?’
He scooped another forkful of salad, grateful that they weren’t talking about his failings as a father any more. Or about Ellie. Because even if Dee was OK with what had happened nineteen years ago, he didn’t think she would be OK with what had happened last night.
He ate in silence. His appetite returned as he shovelled the cacophony of salad flavours into his mouth, chewed off another bite of the lamb.
Everyone was packing the tables and chairs away in the farmyard. He scanned the shadows for Ellie, but couldn’t find her. His stomach dipped as a light turned on in the farmhouse kitchen. He scraped the plate.
Dee stood and took it from him. ‘Can I ask you a favour?’
‘Sure,’ he said, hoping it wasn’t going to involve any more in-depth discussions about his past screw ups.
‘We need you to be project manager.’
‘Rob can do it. I can offer to handle the milking. I don’t have time to…’
‘Can’t you make time?’ Dee cut through the excuse with a smile of encouragement. ‘Ellie’s under a huge amount of pressure with this project. She’s handling all the permits and licences, trying to sort out a grant with the Rural Enterprise Advisor, liaising with the FARMA rep, speaking to the council about getting all the certificates we need to confirm the planning situation, working out produce rotas and me, her and Tess are going to be spending two days in Somerset next week at an intensive farm-shop management course. On top of all that, she’s emotionally fragile, she’s come here while in the middle of divorcing her husband.’
She’s what? A shot of adrenaline had his just-eaten meal dancing in time with his pulse.
‘Now that you’re speaking to each other again–’ Dee was still talking while his mind reeled from the news ‘–there’s nothing stopping you from working together. Rob hasn’t got anywhere near as much experience as you. So you’re the best one to take on the project manager’s role.’
What could he say? He’d just got through acknowledging how much Dee meant to him. He’d never be able to repay her for all the support she’d shown him over the years. And she was right, on paper he looked like the perfect fit for the job.
But the next five weeks would be hell. Not only would he have to pull eighteen-hour days to keep the project on schedule and make sure he didn’t slip up with this, the way he’d slipped up with the farm’s financials, but Ellie would be there with him, every step of the way. Ellie and her lips promising that tart, sexy taste that he had not been able to resist last night. How would he stand it?
But then Dee said: ‘Please, Art, do this for me.’ And he knew he couldn’t refuse.
‘OK.’
‘Thank you.’ Dee leant down and kissed his forehead. ‘Do you want to come down and tell Ellie now? She’ll be so pleased.’
He shook his head. He doubted that. And, if by some miracle she was, she might get out the sloe gin again to celebrate and then where would they be?
‘You tell her. I can go over the logistics tomorrow while we finish clearing out the barn.’ And when he’d be guaranteed to have an audience of at least twelve people.
‘We? So you’re joining us for the rest of the clear-out?’ Dee sounded so pleased, he felt like even more of a fraud.
‘If I’m going to be project manager, I need to get acquainted with my crew.’ And keep busy enough to forget about one of them. ‘I think I’ll stay in the van tonight,’ he added.
Dee nodded. She was used to him sleeping up here on his own when he needed a people break and he certainly needed one now. He’d originally built the thing for Toto’s sixth birthday, so they could have some father–daughter bonding time away from everyone. They’d roast marshmallows, get tucked up in their sleeping bags, and he’d usually nod off while he listened to Toto’s motormouth commentary on her latest favourite book or TV show, because with Toto there was rarely a gap in the conversation. But they hadn’t used it much in the last few years, and they hadn’t been up here at all this summer, not since Josh had arrived.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Dee brushed a hand over his hair. The familiar touch – which he’d taken for granted so often – made his chest hurt.
She lit the lantern to lead herself back through the darkness, but turned as she reached the treeline. ‘By the way, don’t mention the divorce to Josh, or Toto. Josh doesn’t know about it yet. Ellie’s waiting to find the right time to discuss it with him. So she doesn’t ruin his summer with the news.’
Lucky Josh.
He wished someone could have kept the news from him too.
Dee disappeared into the trees, and then reappeared down below, the lantern bobbing as she came out of the woods and headed into the farmhouse.
He reached back into the icebox.
Even without Jacob and Maddy within earshot breaking the sound barrier, he had a feeling he wasn’t going to be getting a lot of sleep tonight. The damage to his peace of mind had already been done.
He was having a bloody beer.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘Jacob, wait up, where are you headed?’ Ellie raced out of the farmhouse to waylay Jacob as he crossed the farmyard.
‘The lumber yard, near Gratesbury. Art needs me to pick up some extra wood for the shelving in the condiments section.’ Jacob tugged open the truck door, the smile on his face weary and forced.
Ellie’s sympathy spiked. According to Maddy, Jacob’s passionate defender while she and Dee had been b
usy every evening making jams and preserves to stock the shop, Art had been a monster in the last week. They were now three weeks into the fit-out and it was on schedule. But Ellie knew Art and his crew, which included Jacob and Mike, had been putting in a lot of extra hours to keep it that way. And Art wasn’t the most tactful person at the best of times. She also knew that Jacob wasn’t getting a lot of sleep at night, because neither was she.
She’d tried pointing out to Maddy that maybe less sex and more sleep would make everyone less grumpy, but Maddy hadn’t taken the hint.
‘Perfect. I need a lift into Gratesbury,’ she said. ‘I’ve got some paperwork to go through with Rick Chastain at the Rural Enterprise Office about the grant.’
‘Climb aboard.’ Jacob gripped her elbow to help her into the cab, then got in on the driver’s side. ‘How’s the grant looking?’
‘Very positive. Rick thinks we’ll get it no problem. It’s going to cover the cost of all the second-hand equipment we’ve ordered for the kitchen and café, which is great.’ She’d spent hours last week with Dee and Annie scouring a second-hand catering equipment barn in Andover and had managed to buy everything they needed for a lot less than they’d budgeted for, leaving enough to buy some extras, including a state-of-the-art espresso machine. ‘And the cost of the signage for the A30 and the A303.’
‘That’s cool.’ Jacob pulled off the sweat-soaked bandana covering his forehead and wiped the back of his neck. He really did look shattered. She had to have another word with Maddy. Young love was all well and good, but she didn’t want one of their crew having a heart attack from too much sex, especially not before the shop was ready. That the rhythmic thuds and occasional moans from Jacob’s room every night were also keeping her on edge when she really did not need to be was another consideration.
‘Who’s doing the signs?’ Jacob asked.
He reversed out of the car park and drove along the farm track, the truck coasting down the newly laid asphalt without a single bump.
‘We’re going to use Helena Jacobs again.’ The gorgeous hammered bronze sign she’d done for the co-op five years ago would be replicated in neon for the hoardings which Ellie was having put up two weeks from now.
Ellie’s insides twitched and quivered at the thought of everything that still needed to be done before the grand opening on Saturday the fifth of August. Even without the noise coming from Jacob’s room every night, sleep would probably still have eluded her – the many to-do lists she had on the go bouncing in her mind’s eye like malevolent hyperactive sheep.
Maybe she should consider pushing the launch back? To give them all a chance to relax and take stock before they started welcoming their customers. When she and Tess and Dee had attended the Setting Up a Farm Shop course a week ago run by FARMA at Wellhaven Farm, the instructor had pointed out that great customer service was key to making any farm shop a success. Customers would be looking for personal, friendly, upbeat service. It was difficult for anyone to do friendly and upbeat when they were exhausted. If they didn’t take a breather, they could all end up breathing fire like Art over their new clientele.
They needed to be on their best game when the shop opened, especially her, Dee and Tess, who would be doing the bulk of the shopkeeping.
Why not put back the launch for a week? They could organise a little social event for everyone to celebrate finishing the shop, and then take a leisurely week to get ready? She’d have to reorganise some of the social media campaigns she’d been working on, talk to the team and check nothing else would be affected, but otherwise she couldn’t see a problem.
Ellie added the thought to the to-do list in her head marked: ‘Brilliant ideas you don’t have time to think about until it’s too late to do anything about them’. Her stress kicked up another notch.
Jacob grunted a reply as they sped down the A30 towards Gratesbury. Ellie noticed his fingers white-knuckling on the wheel. Had Art been more of a dragon than usual today? Even when tired, Jacob usually had a joke or a cheeky smile on hand to cheer up the biggest grump.
‘Is everything going OK on the build?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, sure, give or take the odd screw up,’ Jacob said, but she noticed his fingers bunch at the fairly innocuous question. He was wound tighter than a ball of high-tension wire. ‘Most of which are mine,’ he murmured under his breath. But she heard the comment as he switched on the radio.
The cab filled with the sound of Rihanna Finding Love in a Hopeless Place. For some reason Ellie had a flashback to Art and that kiss three weeks ago now.
She’d seen very little of him since. Except the day he’d turned up to help with the second day of the barn clear-out, and told her he would take over the project management. She’d been so surprised, and so grateful, she hadn’t questioned him about his sudden change of heart. And avoiding each other had been easy after that day, because she was mostly locked in her office – or rather his office – or in the kitchen helping Dee with the food prep and rotas, or on her course. While Art had been supervising the construction crew and then organising the fit-out. And doing a spectacular job despite all the gripes from Maddy about his arsey behaviour.
Art’s arsey tendencies were beginning to look totally under-appreciated when it came to getting this project in on time. She’d wandered past the barn a few times in the last fortnight, usually to track down Toto and Josh and drag them home for supper, and every time she had, she’d spied him up a ladder, or contorted under a counter busy hammering, or screwing or sanding in the lamplight.
Art was the last to leave most nights and the first to arrive every morning and also living proof that men in toolbelts had a hunk factor off the charts.
So if Jacob was having a tough time with him, while Ellie sympathised, she would feel like a hypocrite if she sympathised too much. But maybe finding out what exactly was putting that tension into Jacob’s voice, and making this project so miserable for him, was something she could do. As much as she didn’t want to intervene between Art and his crew, he wasn’t always the most empathetic of people. Perhaps he could do with some help from her, behind the scenes, to smooth things over.
She switched off the radio. ‘Are you sure everything’s OK, Jacob?’
He gave her a quizzical look that didn’t quite convince. ‘Sure.’
‘Maddy said you and Art have been having a few run-ins…’ She gave him a lead in.
He shrugged. ‘It’s nothing major. Maddy was exaggerating.’
From the totally defeated look on Jacob’s face, Ellie didn’t think Maddy was exaggerating.
‘I know everyone’s tired,’ she persevered, determined to get to the bottom of the problem, ‘and this has been a tough schedule, but if Art’s being unreasonable, I can have a word with him.’ Even though she’d rather saw off an arm than have to talk to him face to face, especially in that toolbelt.
Jacob shook his head. ‘He’s not being unreasonable. I’ve been screwing up. He’s entitled to jump on me when that happens.’
‘How bad are the screw ups?’ Ellie asked.
Jacob tapped his thumb on the steering wheel, looking more miserable by the second. ‘Pretty bad. I misread the plans and cut the wood to the wrong length yesterday for the shelves, which is why we’re having to get in a new batch now. And I left the drill charging overnight, and blew out the battery.’
That didn’t sound great, especially the bit about buying new lumber, as the budget was tight. She could see why Art would be unhappy, but making Jacob more stressed wasn’t going to help.
‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve worked on tons of construction projects before I came here,’ Jacob said. ‘None of which mean as much to me as this one. But I just can’t seem to get my head in the game. Art’s right to be mad with me. I’ve been behaving like a twat.’
Ellie patted his knee. ‘First of all, you have to stop beating yourself up, or you’re just going to get more stressed and make more mistakes.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Perhaps you should also consider suggesting to Maddy that she stay in her own room for the next couple of nights.’
Jacob turned to her, his face colouring – which meant he had to be exhausted, because she’d never seen him embarrassed before. ‘You can hear us?’
‘I’m not deaf. And those walls are not sound-proofed either.’ She remembered what it had been like between her and Dan when they’d first got together at the summer camp, and even after their wedding. The sex had been constant. A terrific way to avoid all the stuff that they didn’t have in common, like constancy and trust and maturity. Then the sex had become like a chore, Dan had been distracted, uninterested and she had quickly become uninterested too. There had really been no way back from that, once she’d discovered why Dan wasn’t that interested in making her feel desired any more, because he was too busy servicing loads of other women.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jacob said. ‘That’s pretty mortifying.’
‘It’s not that bad,’ she said, cutting Jacob some slack. ‘But really it might be in your best interests too to give yourselves a bit of a rest. Particularly you. You’re doing hard physical labour during the day so you need your sleep at night.’ They all did.
Jacob nodded. ‘I just… I don’t know how to tell Maddy no. I don’t want her to feel rejected on top of everything else.’
‘On top of what else?’
Unlike her and Dan, it was obvious Jacob and Maddy had a great deal more going on in their relationship. You just had to see them together to know that, chatting and grinning at each other like idiots. Surely a little sleep break wouldn’t kill their relationship.
‘I’ve messed up with our place, too.’
‘What place?’
‘We’re building our own place, in the back pasture near the stream. We got the main frame up in May. I was supposed to be finishing it. But what with one thing and another I haven’t made any progress on it for months.’ He thumped his palm against the steering wheel. ‘We’ve been together now over a year…’ He hesitated, then sent Ellie a look so full of yearning, her pulse thickened. She’d never seen this side to Jacob before. Not jokey and teasing, but serious and intense. She felt honoured that he would confide in her. ‘I want to ask Maddy to marry me, but I can’t ask her until I finish the cabin. I don’t want to risk her saying no.’
