by Heidi Rice
‘Is he better than I am in the sack? Is that it?’ Dan sounded frantic. ‘I can do better. I know I was selfish sometimes, I got wound up in myself and our sex life suffered. I get that, but I can change that.’
‘It’s not about the sex.’ Exactly how immature was this man?
‘Then what the hell is it about?’
‘I respect him,’ she said.
Art had opened up to her this afternoon for the first time, and she’d had an insight into why he felt the need to close himself off. ‘And I know he respects me.’ Although he might not respect her much now. ‘And that’s a basis for something more than we ever had.’
How much more she wasn’t going to contemplate right now, not until she’d had a chance to talk to Art. That she was having this conversation with her estranged husband was probably a bit… well… peculiar. But peculiar she could live with. Dan not so much.
The plan had always been to go back to Orchard Harbor. To remake her life there, or nearby, so that Dan could have access to his son. She’d been so careful not to think outside that box. But why should she let Dan call all the shots? Why was she so terrified of acknowledging that there might be other options? Or that she had feelings for Art that went way past those for a casual hook up?
‘Don’t say that. We could do more counselling to fix that?’ Dan said, the tremor in his voice making Ellie stare at him. ‘I’ve found someone more appropriate than Dr Macklin,’ he said, naming the couples therapist they’d attended for six months in one last-ditch attempt to save their marriage, while Dan was busy sleeping with Josh’s middle school teacher on the sly and getting her not-pregnant. ‘I’ve been to a few sessions already.’
‘You’ve… What?’ Ellie’s voice rose several octaves. Surely she could not have heard that right. Dan taking responsibility, creating a plan of action, and then actually following through on it? To save their marriage? She’d always been the one doing all the emotional heavy lifting in their relationship. The one who had continually tried to paper over the cracks of what had eventually become a derelict crumbling mess. That Dan had finally decided to shoulder at least some of that burden felt like way too little, way too late. She wasn’t convinced there was anything left to build on any more. But after so many years of struggling alone, it felt necessary to at least listen to what he had to say.
‘This doctor’s a sex therapist, world renowned, based in New York.’
‘I don’t need sex therapy,’ Ellie said. Not any more anyway.
‘I know you don’t.’ Dan looked sheepish, the honey brown hair falling over his brow in artful disarray.
Ellie wasn’t buying the embarrassed look, until colour lanced across his cheekbones.
‘But I do,’ he murmured into his chest.
She didn’t speak, wasn’t sure she was capable of speech. His eyes finally met hers, the look surprisingly direct for a man whose father was a politician with two terms in the Senate under his belt.
‘You’re having sex therapy?’ she said, just to be sure she hadn’t had a breakdown and stress-projected that piece of information.
He nodded, the sheepish look turning to sober introspection, which actually looked genuine. ‘I’ve had a month to think about everything, about where we went wrong.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Where I went wrong. And it all got down to my inability to be faithful. And eventually, after lots of soul-searching and denial, I figured out I needed help. So I found this doctor. She’s terrific.’
She. ‘The good doctor’s a woman?’
Dan let out a half-laugh. ‘She’s a looker, but not really my type, she has pictures of her grandkids on her desk.’
‘Oh.’ Now she was back to being confused. And wary. Was Dan actually here because he thought they had a serious chance of repairing their marriage?
If he had done something like this five years ago, she would have been skipping around the room with unconcealed joy. She had never felt less like skipping in her whole entire life.
‘I didn’t want to come here until I could prove I wasn’t just blowing sunshine up your ass again, that I meant it this time, that I can change,’ Dan added.
He was actually serious. Not fake, politician sincere, but tentative I’m-trying-here-but-I’m-terrified-it-won’t-be-enough sincere.
She hadn’t had a glimpse of insecure Dan since the day they discovered she was pregnant and he’d told his father. It was one of the things that had drawn her to him so comprehensively all those years ago. The way he’d stood up for her, stood up for them and their child, against a man who she knew had always terrified him on some visceral level.
She’d clung on to that in the years afterwards, long after that man had disappeared to be replaced by a careless womaniser who hadn’t stood up for anything. But, because of her affection for that man, she couldn’t bring herself to slap him down. She suddenly felt exhausted, and she noted so did Dan. He’d probably caught the red-eye and she knew he never slept on planes, even in first class, and it was a three-hour drive here from Heathrow.
Plus, there were all her confused feelings for Art to consider too. This was all too sudden. And too much of a tangled mess to discuss while they were both exhausted.
‘I don’t know what to say. This is… surprising.’ How’s that for an understatement – the shock reverberating through her reminded her of the moment when the pee stick had turned pink.
‘I know, and I’m sure you don’t really believe me. Because why would you? But I want to prove to you I can change. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to get you both and bring you home.’
Except Orchard Harbor didn’t feel like home any more. And hadn’t for a while. And wasn’t it just perfect timing that she should finally admit that to herself now?
‘I have commitments here that I can’t break.’ And she had absolutely no intention of breaking.
‘What? To him?’ Dan said, clearly shocked. ‘How serious are you about this guy?’
‘This isn’t about Art,’ she said, even though it was, partially. But she hadn’t even had a chance to examine her own feelings properly, let alone talk to Art about them. And she certainly had no intention of discussing their relationship with Dan. Because it would feel like a betrayal, which was probably rather ironic, given that she was still officially Dan’s wife. ‘I’m planning a wedding for two of the co-op’s residents…’
‘Can’t you get someone else to step in?’
‘No, I can’t. And I don’t want to. They’re friends of mine and I want to be here for the event.’
‘OK, fine.’ Dan scrubbed his hands down his face, looking harassed. ‘Look, it’s not a problem. I can stay here with you and Joshie for a few weeks.’
‘You’re not staying with us,’ she said, horrified. She didn’t want Dan here – that would just complicate the situation even more. ‘We’re not a couple any more. We’re separated.’
Dan threw his hands up in the air. ‘Then I’ll get a hotel room nearby. I’m not going home without you guys.’
Trust Dan to choose this precise moment to get assertive.
The rumble of an engine drawing up outside the house was followed by the sound of children chattering, and car doors slamming.
‘Is that Joshie?’ Dan said, and the genuine pleasure on his face had Ellie’s heart kicking her ribs.
She had Josh to consider in all this, too. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to do any more. But, whatever happened, she had to put him first. Not herself, not Art and certainly not Dan.
‘Yes, he’s back from a Harry Potter movie marathon with my mum Dee and Art’s daughter, Toto.’
Dan scowled, the pleasure gone. ‘Why did the guy name his daughter after a dog?’
‘It’s short for Antonia,’ she heard herself say as the front door opened and footsteps stampeded down the hall.
‘Mom, there’s a cool car in the yard.’ Josh sounded curious, until he entered the kitchen.
‘Dad!’ He ran full pelt into his father’s arms. Dan grunted, l
aughing, as Josh smacked into his chest.
Dan scooped him up and swung him round. ‘Hey, kid, how did you get to be so skinny?’ Putting Josh down, he looped his fingers round the boy’s upper arm, testing his biceps. ‘And where did you get all the muscle?’
Josh beamed at the compliment, and it occurred to Ellie how much her son had changed physically in the last three months. She hadn’t really noticed it, as the change had been so gradual, but Dan was right. Their son no longer had that pallid, waxy skin from too much time spent indoors on his Xbox. And his sturdy body was solid now rather than flabby. He’d even begun to wear a belt that Dee had found him to hold up his jeans.
As Josh wrapped his arms around his father’s waist, she had a vision of the day their son had taken his first steps solo. Dan had squatted down two feet away and beckoned him forward while she held his straining body upright. Josh had staggered towards Dan on unsteady legs, falling forward into his father’s arms, and Dan had wrapped him in a bear hug and lavished him with praise. She’d loved Dan without reservation in that moment, even though they’d had an argument that morning about the text entitled ‘lonely nights’ she’d found from a co-worker on his iPhone.
Josh burrowed his head into his father’s chest, his hands grasping the back of his shirt, his cheeks bulging in an ear-splitting grin.
Dee stood back with Toto; they both looked almost as shell-shocked as Ellie felt.
‘Mum, Toto, this is Dan, Josh’s dad.’ Ellie did the introductions, because Josh was far too busy absorbing his father to talk.
She couldn’t bring herself to ruin the touching reunion between father and son. The argument Josh’s arrival had interrupted would have to wait.
Slinging an arm over Josh’s shoulder and fixing him to his side, Dan reached out a hand to Dee.
‘Hi, Dan Granger, pleased to meet you, ma’am.’
Dan’s golden brown hair shone in the light from the window, the day-old scruff on his chiselled, patrician jaw making him look handsome and rugged – a bit like a movie star who had been professionally rumpled for a photo shoot.
He looked like a campaign poster for the perfect son-in-law, wearing that mantle of self-confident charm that she knew he could turn on and off like a light – a golden all-consuming light that dazzled everyone.
If Dan noticed she’d introduced him as Josh’s dad instead of her husband, he didn’t let on.
‘Hello, Dan. Call me Dee,’ her mum said, not looking very dazzled as she shook his hand. Maybe Dee was immune to Dan’s charm.
Dan nodded at Toto. ‘Hey there, Toto. I hear you’re Joshie’s new friend. He talks a lot about you.’
Toto didn’t speak, leaving Dan’s hand hanging in mid-air, her freckles standing out more than usual against her flushed skin. Dan pulled his hand back and rubbed it on his chinos before tucking it into his pocket.
So Toto was immune too.
‘Don’t call me Joshie, Dad. I’m too big for that now,’ Josh said, sounding more excited than grumpy.
Dan ruffled his son’s hair. ‘Sure thing, buddy.’ Dan stood back as if assessing Josh’s height. ‘I reckon you’ve grown about two inches since I last saw you too.’
It was Josh’s turn to blush, clearly overjoyed at his father’s praise.
‘How long is Dad staying?’ Josh asked, his eager smile joined by Dan’s querying look. ‘Can he stay for the wedding?’ Josh pleaded. ‘It’s gonna be so cool, Dad.’ He sent an adoring look at his father. ‘Maddy and Jay are getting married and me and Toto are going to be the attendants. We get to scatter rose petals and everything.’
‘I’d love to stay,’ Dan said, casting a meaningful glance her way.
‘Jay’s room is free, isn’t it, Mum, now that he lives with Maddy?’
Ellie felt some relief that Josh wasn’t expecting his parents to share a bedroom. But the thought of moving Dan into the room next to hers, and between her and Art… Her head started to pound in double time. Thick heavy thuds that hit the base of her skull.
How had everything got so screwed up so quickly?
But how could she kill that spark of joy in Josh’s eyes? ‘That would work for tonight,’ she said. She turned to her mother. ‘Is that OK with you, Mum?’
‘Whatever you want to do is good with me,’ Dee said.
Josh punched the air and Dan grinned, having won this round.
It didn’t matter. She didn’t plan to be in the room next door to his tonight. She needed to go and speak to Art. They’d agreed to meet at the caravan tonight. She just hoped he was still willing to keep that liaison. The thought of having that conversation was filling her with an odd mix of dread and anticipation, which she would have to examine later too.
Dee set about making them coffee and cake. And Josh settled into a never-ending conversation apprising his father of every single thing he’d done in the last three months, while Toto looked on bemused.
Ellie’s heart raced into her throat, and threatened to gag her.
Dan’s surprise appearance might be one problem even Mum’s sticky toffee ginger cake can’t solve.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
It took five hours before Ellie could get away. Five hours of panic and irritation. Art hadn’t turned up to supper, and she had to be grateful for that. She didn’t think the two men would start anything with their children looking on, but why risk it? Even so, having Dan there had felt like an intrusion. He’d tried to make small talk all through dinner, turned on the charm big time with her mum and Toto, and for the first time ever Ellie had realised exactly how self-serving and shallow Dan’s charm was.
Even when she’d known he was cheating on her, even during that last conversation in Orchard Harbor, when he’d told her about Chelsea’s baby and she’d told him she wanted a divorce, he’d still had a strange sort of hold on her. She’d made excuses for him – convinced herself that in some ways his infidelity was as much her fault as his. Let him talk her into being the one to tell Josh.
But now, she could see what a phoney he was.
All those practised moves, the easy flattery, the way he pretended to listen and laughed in all the right places. Josh had hung on his every word, but neither Toto nor her mum had been taken in by it. And this time, neither had she. She’d take Art’s strong steady silences, even his surly moody moments, over Dan’s fake razzamatazz any day.
The privileged, indulged youngest child and only son in a family of over-achievers, Dan had been born not to take responsibility for anything. But she’d once loved that the most about him. As a compulsive fixer, she had found it wildly attractive that Dan could look at any problem and say ‘screw that, let’s go party instead’. So it made perfect sense for her to handle all the details Dan couldn’t be bothered with during their marriage: like calling the plumber, or doing the IRS returns, or hiring a nutritionist for Josh when he couldn’t stop comfort eating, or a couples therapist for them both when Dan couldn’t stop cheating.
But it had eventually left her as the only one who had invested any energy in making their marriage a success.
She’d discovered this afternoon the full extent of all the challenges, all the emotional curveballs Art had been thrown in life and how much he’d had to endure and overcome to survive. It was hard not to compare the two of them now – Dan’s pampered patrician beauty and hollow charm to Art’s sturdy, solid, blue-collar strength and subtle humour – and find Art the much hotter of the two.
But was it really wise to make choices based on her libido again?
After waiting for Dan to take Josh up to bed, she dashed to her room to shower and change. It was a warm night so she slipped on a dress emblazoned with sunflowers that she’d bought in Gratesbury a few weeks ago but hadn’t had a chance to wear. The bias cut flattered her figure. She took a bit of extra time with her make-up, adding eyeliner and a quick layer of lip gloss. She’d caught the sun today, her cheeks given a healthy glow.
She left her room as soon as she heard Dee’s tread disappear do
wn the corridor.
Maybe it was reckless to go and see Art before everyone had gone to bed. But she couldn’t wait any longer to talk to him. And she did not want to have the conversation here.
She left the house, the sun setting behind the back barn. She went to Art’s workshop first, just in case he was still finishing the commission, but felt relieved when she found it empty.
She wanted to talk to him in the caravan, because it felt like their safe place. Maybe they’d never had any proper conversations there, because they’d always been way too busy making love, but it felt like the right place to take this next step. To actually discuss their relationship. Such as it was.
Maybe it was foolish and romantic to want to tell Art about her relationship with Dan. He’d never asked her about her husband and she’d never divulged anything, partly because it embarrassed her to know what a spineless coward she’d been all those years in Orchard Harbor. But still she wanted Art to know that Dan had come here uninvited and that she wasn’t convinced they could ever be a couple again, no matter how much sex therapy he had.
Dan would still be Josh’s father, and for that reason he would always have a place in her life. It wasn’t as if she would ever try to change that relationship. But Dan had never been a hands-on dad. And Josh had settled so well here during the summer. As had she. There were all sorts of possibilities that she hadn’t even considered before tonight that she wanted Art’s take on.
She walked through the woods, the dusk giving the flowers and trees a reddish glow. And her heart leapt and stuttered as she made her way through the gathering darkness and spotted the light shining at the top of the rise.
Art was waiting for her.
She hesitated for a moment as she came out of the trees. Remembering another time, another place not far from here, when she’d once made a similar clandestine dash to see Art in the sunlight of a September weekend afternoon. The memory of what had happened when she’d thrown herself at Art that day still had the power to make her cringe. But she’d been hyped up on teenage hormones then, and her own confused feelings. She’d totally misread that situation. She wasn’t that naïve girl any more. She wasn’t here to put pressure on Art, to make emotional demands that he had no hope of fulfilling. She just wanted to let him know that Dan’s being here hadn’t been her idea… And then go from there.
