“I know, kiddo.” I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him to my side. “You’re a good boy and a good friend. I think that your dad will tell you the same thing.”
He wiped at his nose and his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “Ms. Dunn said I was suspended. That means I can’t go back to school, huh?”
“Yeah, that’s what it means, but it’s only for this week. On Monday I think you get to go back.”
“Today is Wednesday?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I could see his little brain trying to work something out.
He looked at me like that was the worst news, and I was thinking that he must really love school if the idea of having a few days off devastated him. And then I realized why.
“But if I’m not there, Brittany might not get lunch. She told me they don’t have a lot of food at home. I think her parents are mean to her too.”
This kid was putting all my feels through the wringer today. “How about if tomorrow I go to the school and make sure there’s money in Brittany’s lunch account? Would that make you feel better?”
He jerked his head up and down and I could see the relief on his face. Even though my heart hurt for the little girl, it was also warmed by this sweet little boy who cared so much. I just couldn’t believe that the school wouldn’t notice a child going hungry day after day, but if they knew, I couldn’t believe they wouldn’t do something about it.
Eli was in a much better mood as we went back to the show. He jabbered away and giggled when something funny happened. Eventually, he grew bored of TV and wanted to explore the house.
He found the closet of old board games, and then I taught him a simplified version of Pictionary, where we just drew pictures and guessed what they were. He was in the middle of drawing a picture of what looked like a winged monkey, when his pen stopped moving and he looked up at me and asked, “How come you don’t come over anymore?”
My heart squeezed painfully inside my chest. I couldn’t tell him that I did, almost every night after he was in bed.
“Well, because you have Nanny Marissa to watch you now.” I’d only met her on one occasion, when she’d been the one to bring Eli into the coffee shop after he’d begged. I didn’t know what to think of her. I’d tried to be friendly, even though I hadn’t wanted to like her, considering it felt like she’d replaced me. She got to spend nearly every day with Eli. But it wasn’t her fault, or her choice, that I didn’t get to spend time with him, so I’d been nice. Marissa had been weird, though, like she didn’t like me. I couldn’t say why I thought that, except the way she’d looked at me, and that she’d spoken to Nora and Reggie, but not to me. Then, when I’d come around the counter to hug Eli and give him his cupcake, she’d insisted they had to go.
Or maybe I was just looking for reasons not to like her.
“I wish you could still babysit me,” he said.
“You don’t like Nanny Marissa?” I might’ve sounded a tad hopeful, which was wrong, but I couldn’t help it if I wanted him to like me more.
“She’s okay, I guess. She does fun stuff with me sometimes. She bakes a lot, like cookies and muffins and cake, and I like that, but,” he shrugged. “I don’t know. I like you better.”
Inwardly, I was smiling, smugly. Take that Nanny Marissa. I didn’t care if it was childish. “We got to hang out today, didn’t we?”
He smiled. “Yeah. Do you think I can hang out with you tomorrow too, since I can’t go to school?”
Not likely, kiddo, I thought, but I didn’t say that. “I don’t know. Your dad might want you to do something else. Speaking of your dad,” I glanced at my phone, “I’m surprised he hasn’t called yet. Was Marissa supposed to pick you up today?”
“Yeah, Dad said he’d be home at dinner time.”
School would have let out nearly an hour ago. What had Marissa done when she realized Eli wasn’t there?
It wasn’t long before I found out.
Grandmama called to say she’d gone shopping with one of the ladies after lunch and asked if I would go collect vegetables from the garden for stir-fry tonight. She didn’t want to be picking them in the dark once she got home.
Eli was more than happy to help me, and wanted to know what every single plant growing in the garden was. It took longer than it should have, and we picked way more than we needed for stir-fry, but he was having a good time, and it meant less picking for Grandmama over the next week as all the veggies reached picking ripeness. We were still around the back of the house when I heard someone pounding on the front door.
That’s when I realized I’d left my phone inside, and I had a pretty good guess who I would find at the door.
“Come on, I think your dad is here,” I told Eli and then hurried in through the back door. I set the bowl of vegetables on the counter and rushed to get the door. Eli was on my heels.
“Hang on, I’m coming,” I hollered.
A less than pleased Nikolai stood on the steps when I yanked the door open. He looked past me to Eli standing at the end of the hall, eyeing his dad apprehensively.
“Let’s go. In the truck.” He jerked his head over his shoulder.
Eli didn’t say a word, just scurried toward his dad. “Don’t forget your backpack,” I told him.
Remembering where he’d left it, he darted into the living room.
I turned to Nikolai. “The school tried calling you, and so did I.”
“Phone got broke at work today,” he clipped.
“Did you talk to the school?”
“Not yet. Marissa showed up at the set to tell me that when she’d gone to pick him up from school, they’d informed her he’d been suspended for fighting and they sent him home with you.” He sounded pissed off.
“Only because they couldn’t get ahold of you or Spencer or Nora.”
“Yeah, well, you could have taken him to the shop after you picked him up. Nora would have been fine with him hanging out there, and Marissa could have picked him up.”
“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t do that, but he was fine here.”
He grunted and then called to Eli, “Hurry up, bud. We gotta go.”
Eli shuffled back out of the living room, backpack slung over his shoulder.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked incredulously.
“We’ll talk later,” he said through a clenched jaw and I knew that he was. I just didn’t understand what I’d done wrong. I glanced at Eli, who looked on the verge of tears again, and knew that I couldn’t get into with his dad in front of him. I wasn’t about to sit here all night worrying over this either.
“Hey Eli, I think we picked too many vegetables for me and Grandmama, why don’t you run in the kitchen and put some in a bag for you and your dad to take home. The bags are under the drawer where we got the ice cream spoons. He looked relieved to have a reason to delay getting in the truck with his dad.
Once Eli was out of earshot, I folded my arms across my chest and faced Nikolai. He looked even more furious with me now.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I hissed.
“My kid got suspended for fighting today,” he replied harshly. As if, somehow, that might have escaped my notice.
“I know that. I’m the one that picked him up.” His eyes flared, and I saw the tick in his jaw. “And that’s what you’re really pissed about, isn’t it?”
“I’m not doing this with you right now, Cass.”
“Why not? Just explain to me why you’re mad. Why you don’t want me to have anything to do with Eli?”
“You know how I feel about this.”
“But I don’t understand why!” I cried, trying to keep my voice lowered.
“Just let it go, Cassie.” He was ordering me, as if we were in the bedroom and I would just obey him. He should know better, even in the bedroom I didn’t always listen.
I held his stormy gaze. “What if I can’t?”
“Dammit, Cassie,” he growled, taking an angry step toward me.
“Don’t
be mad at Cassie, Dad”
We both looked back, and Eli was standing there, a gallon size Ziploc bag full of vegetables in his hand, watching the two of us with wide, anxious eyes.
“Eli, it’s time to go.” Nikolai took a step back from me.
“Dad, please don’t be mad at Cassie. She didn’t do anything wrong. I did. I got in a fight at school even though I knew better, but Cassie said I did the right thing, that the only way bullies will stop is to make them, and that’s what I did.” Nikolai narrowed his eyes at me and I winced. I hadn’t thought he could get any angrier with me. I was wrong.
“Eli, we’ll talk about it at home. The truck is unlocked, go get buckled in while I finish talking to Cassie.”
Great, now he wanted to talk.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” he whispered as he brushed past us. He tossed a sad look over his shoulder at me. I gave him a weak smile in return. It was all I could manage.
And then I grimaced at Nikolai.
“Who the hell do you think you are, telling my son he did the right thing by getting into a fight with another kid?” he growled.
“That’s not exactly what I told him. I said he shouldn’t solve problems with violence, but that—”
“You shouldn’t have said anything,” he thundered. “It wasn’t your place. You had no right!”
“I wasn’t trying to overstep. He wanted to talk about what happened at school and I was—”
“You were just interfering is what you were doing.”
“No, would you just listen to me and quit cutting me off! I was just trying to help him!”
“It’s not your damned place to do anything for him. You’re not his mother!” he shouted.
“I know that!” I shouted right back. “I’m not trying to be.”
“Then what the hell are you trying to do? Things are good just the way they are, you need to leave them alone.”
“Maybe it’s good for you, but it’s not for me anymore.” The words were out of my mouth before I could rethink them.
His features hardened and his chest heaved out a heavy breath. “Then what do you want from me?” he spoke the words harshly.
I was silent for a minute, breathing in and out, asking myself how far I was prepared to push him. “I want to be in your life.”
“Last time I checked, you were.”
“No, I’m not. Not really. I’m in your bed, but that’s it. You won’t let me be a part of your life in any other way. You’ve relegated me to this little piece of it and I have to stay there, or you freak out and yell at me.”
“I thought we both understood what this was, what we were doing.”
I shook my head. “Maybe at first I thought I did, but I don’t know anymore. I only know it doesn’t feel like enough. Nora asks me all the time when I’m going to put myself out there again? God, she even suggested that I go out on a date with James, and you know what I said to her? Nothing, because I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell her I was dating someone, because we’re not exactly dating, are we? I couldn’t even tell her I was seeing someone casually, because she’d want to know who. I can’t even look my own grandmother in the eyes these days, because I don’t know how explain to her what we are either. She’d never understand this fucked up . . . I don’t even have a word for it, I only know it’s not a relationship.”
“Is that what you want? A relationship?”
“I don’t know,” I cried. “Maybe, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? Because that’s not even on the table.”
He didn’t deny it. He didn’t say a damned word.
It hurt. A lot.
The anger eased and most of the fight drained out of me.
“It’s okay. I’ve known all along. It’s my fault for being stupid enough to fall for you when I knew better. I guess it’s better that we did this now, instead of dragging it out any longer.” The way my heart was constricting in my chest, making it difficult to breathe, I couldn’t imagine how it would have felt if it’d gone on another week, or month.
“Cassie,” Nikolai started, but then his words died off. I think we both knew there weren’t any words that would make this better. At least none that he could say that wouldn’t be a lie.
“It’s okay. You should just go, but do me favor and hear Eli out. He’s scared to death of disappointing you.”
“Of course I will.”
Grandmama was coming up the steps as Nikolai turned to go. She paused, and he gave her a nod as he passed her. Grandmama took one look at my face as I watched him go, and she knew. The moment she closed the door behind him, she was at my side.
“It’s gonna be okay, baby girl.”
Only it didn’t feel like it would. Not at all.
“What did I do?” I whispered and put my hand over my mouth to keep in the sob that was trying to work its way to the surface. I’d fallen. That’s what I’d done. I’d let go and I’d fallen and just like I knew I would, I hit the ground hard, because he wasn’t there to catch me.
“Baby, it’s okay,” she took me in her arms and I let my head fall against her shoulder. “We all fall for the wrong man at some point.” And now I’d done it twice. But Nikolai didn’t feel like the wrong one. He felt right, and that’s why it hurt so much.
“Grandmama, it feels like I can’t breathe.”
“I know, baby. I know.” She stroked her hand up and down my back as my body trembled with the force of the sobs I held back. I knew if I started, I wouldn’t stop.
Sixteen
Cassie
“Okay, girl, time to spill.” Reggie came up on one side of me and Nora the other, sandwiching me between Michael Jackson and Wednesday Addams at the counter. It was Halloween. “What’s got you in a funk?” He set his elbow on the counter and rested his chin on top of his white gloved fist.
“Who says I’m in a funk?”
Reggie and Nora shared a look. I glanced between the two of them. It was hard to take them seriously in costume.
“We’ve just noticed that you seem, a little . . .” Nora hesitated.
“A lot,” Reggie cut in.
“Down,” Nora said.
“Mopey as fuck,” Reggie added.
“Guys, I’m fine.” I squeezed out from between them, but there wasn’t really anywhere to go but the kitchen. I grabbed some of the dirty pitchers and carted them to the sink. They followed.
“Girl, you’re not fine, so try that line on someone else.”
“You’ve hardly talked all day,” Nora said.
“That’s not true. I’ve talked to at least twenty customers in the last hour.”
“That doesn’t count.” Reggie pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes reprovingly. “Your favorite song came on earlier, and you didn’t even sing along.”
“So, I didn’t feel like singing,” I sighed. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It’s Halloween, Cass, and you didn’t even dress up.”
I shrugged. “Wasn’t in the mood to dress up.”
“Doesn’t seem like you’re in the mood for anything. That’s kind of our point.”
I glared at him, and then Nora said gently, “You looked like you’d been crying when you came out of the bathroom earlier. We’re just worried about you.”
I rinsed and loaded the dirty dishes and coffee utensils into the washer to avoid having to meet their eyes.
“Allergies,” I lied. Truth was, I had been crying in the bathroom like it was senior prom night all over again, and I’d caught my date—the boy I’d crushed on all year—making out with my best friend Chloe in a corner. Only this time, it was much worse. I got over Jon Eddy two days later when Jesse Noren asked me out. We lasted all the way to graduation, and then he gave me the we’re going off to different colleges speech. I think I cried over Jesse for a week before I decided I was done crying over boys. Neither Jon nor Jesse had hurt like this. I think I even heard that Jon and Chloe got married last year. Besides being a little bitter about prom, I was happy for them.
But it’d been ten days since Nikolai picked Eli up from my house. Ten days since I’d told him I couldn’t do it anymore. Ten days since I’d spoken to him. And it hurt more now than it did then. I think I’d been in shock a little bit at first. Each morning that I woke up knowing it would be another day I’d have to go without seeing him, it hit me a little more. We were really done. That was it. Every day it got worse, not better. I missed him more, not less. I kept waiting for one day to be a little bit easier than the one before, so I’d know I was on the downhill end of it, but it hadn’t happened yet.
“It’s not allergies,” Reggie called my bluff. “We haven’t seen you like this since . . . since . . .” He didn’t have to say it. We all knew.
“Maybe, I just don’t want to talk about it,” I snapped.
Reggie looked taken aback. “But you tell me everything.”
“Not this,” I slammed the lid down on the dishwasher and stalked out of the kitchen. I stopped short when I saw who was standing at the counter.
Nikolai, with Eli in a puffy, green Hulk costume. Eli shoved his mask up and flashed a bright smile, waving the hand that wasn’t holding a bucket full of candy. “Hi, Cassie! We’re trick-or-treating.”
I remained frozen, my gaze trapped in Nikolai’s.
Reggie and Nora came up behind me. “Oh.” It seemed they could put two and two together.
“Hey, buddy,” I finally snapped out of it and tore my eyes away from Nikolai. “Your costume looks so good,” I told Eli. “Best one I’ve seen all day.”
He beamed. “Really?”
“Definitely.” I grabbed the bowl of candy Nora and Reggie had been handing out to kids all day as part of the downtown trick-or-treat, and walked around the counter. I ignored Nikolai’s presence the best I could even though I felt his eyes on me. “Take as many as you want.” I held the bowl out to Eli, knowing Nora had two more giant bags under the counter to refill it. His eyes got big and he reached in for a handful.
After he’d dropped the candy into his bucket he looked up at his father. “Do you have it, Dad?”
I allowed myself to look at Nikolai as he reached into his pocket and retrieved a small envelope that he handed to Eli, who then held it out to me. “It’s an invitation to my birthday party next weekend. Dad’s letting me have it at the arcade. Will you come?”
Blackest Night Page 20
