“I don’t want to lose you,” Luke said.
“I don’t think you really ever had me,” she admitted.
Luke’s shoulders drooped, an admission that her words were true. For several long moments they sat in the bright red booth and said nothing. There was sadness that their friendship was over, but for Leila at least, there was relief and excitement. She would miss Luke very much, but she was already itching to be back in Eli’s arms.
“I’ll miss you,” Luke said.
“I’ll miss you too, Luke.”
When Leila stood to leave, Luke didn’t move from the booth. His head fell into his hands and he closed his eyes against her walking away. After six months, leaving him behind wasn’t easy. More than a few tears trailed in her wake. She hoped he would find someone who loved wild and crazy adventures as much as he did, someone he didn’t have to try to fall in love with.
As the cab dropped Leila off at St. Claire’s, her heart lightened as thoughts of Eli crowded in around her. She wanted to dash back to his apartment and fling herself into his arms. Ana scrambling out of the boutique in a frenzy killed that idea, but Leila was grinning as her boss yanked her inside. Eli would be there for the show in a few hours. When she found him, she had every intention of kissing him until he had no other choice but to fall in love with her.
Chapter 28
Glassy Hope
The dream Eli had been clinging to for so long was gone. His whole body hurt. The last thing he wanted to do was spend the day at Mount Rose hospital, but he walked through the doors anyway. Usually, nothing short of a catastrophe brought him to Mount Rose. Even as he walked across the lobby he wondered what had possessed him to come. He thought about turning around. He thought about Leila a second later and knew he couldn’t leave.
Leila had never asked him to start visiting his mom, or even hinted that he should. But he knew she hoped he would. It was still difficult for him to talk about his mother, but Leila made it easier. On the few occasions he brought her up, like to explain the significance of the pearls, he could see her sad smile and the wish in her heart that Eli could have had the relationship he wanted with his mother. Eli also remembered how hurt Leila had been when she thought he had abandoned his mother. She accepted his explanation, but that didn’t change the fact that Eli really had abandoned his mother. If he could do nothing else for Leila, he wanted to give her that wish as best he could.
“Good afternoon, sir. How can I help you?” the receptionist asked.
Eli swallowed hard. “I’m here to see a patient.”
“What patient?”
“Elizabeth Walsh.”
The young woman typed something into the computer before looking back up with a smile. “She’s in her room. Can I have your name so I can sign you into the visitor’s log?”
“I’m her son, Eli Walsh.”
“Thank you.” She typed his name into the log and handed him a visitor’s pass. “Dr. Evans will meet you at her room.”
A sharp pang of fear darted through his body. What would Dr. Evans say to him after so long? Would there be judgment in his eyes? He feared there would be, but it didn’t really matter. There was no turning back. Eli plodded down the corridors. He had never once visited his mother since her placement at Mount Rose, but he knew exactly where her room was. He had stood outside of it many times as he spoke with Dr. Evans, not willing to even see her through the little glass window. He turned the last corner and noticed a figure moving toward him. Eli had to force his eyes to stay level as he walked up to the man who had been caring for his mother.
“Eli,” Dr. Evans said. Eli met his eyes and was surprised to see tears in them. The older man, several decades his senior, embraced him as they drew near each other. “I’m so glad you came, Eli.”
“Is everything okay?” Eli asked.
Dr. Evans smiled. “Yes, of course. Your mother is doing very well. It will be good for her to finally be able to speak with you. She has talked of little else since your lovely girlfriend visited with her.”
Girlfriend. The word stabbed at him relentlessly, but Eli swallowed the pain of his failure and embraced it as best he could. “My mother rarely talks of anything other than me. Leila visiting wasn’t the beginning of that.”
“No, but she was a catalyst for change.”
“How so?” Eli asked.
“Why don’t you find out for yourself?” Dr. Evans said as he unlocked the door to Elizabeth Walsh’s room.
He opened the door, holding it at the halfway point as his eyes locked with Eli’s. No doubt he could see the fear in Eli’s expression. Maybe he understood it, or maybe he thought Eli was callous for taking so long to visit his own mother. Either way, he waited patiently for Eli to step forward before opening the door completely. And even then, he stood in the doorway, blocking the occupant’s view of anyone else as he spoke.
“Elizabeth, you have a visitor today. Are you feeling well enough to have company?”
Eli listened for her response, half hoping she would deny him.
“Who is it?” she asked. The amount of change her voice had undergone startled him. Rougher, thinner, weaker than before, it spoke of harshness and abuse. A familiar ache to see her better began clawing at him. Knowing that the only harm or abuse that had befallen her was of her own making made pushing those kinds of feelings back down much easier.
“I’m afraid you won’t believe me if I tell you,” Dr. Evans said cheerily, “so I’ll let him tell you himself.”
Dr. Evans stepped into the room, leaving Eli standing in the doorway feeling completely bare.
Recognition dawned slowly on his mother’s face. Disbelief had her shaking her head. Tears welled in her eyes, dropping down her cheeks with each turn of her head. It was too much for Eli. He stepped into the room. “Hi, Mom,” he said simply.
His mother’s tears started falling in earnest then. Her body shook as she sobbed happily. “Eli,” she cried, “you came. You came.”
“I came,” he repeated, almost as disbelieving of it as she was.
He sat down next to her bed and took her frail hand. She clutched at him eagerly, and slowly her tears began to dry up. She smiled at him. It wasn’t the same smile Eli remembered. Before, there had always been a hint of smug satisfaction along with a heavy dose of fear. There was still the fear, but it was of a different kind. Now it was a fear of rejection. Regret and sadness were its close companions.
“I’m so glad you came.”
“I …” He couldn’t say that he was glad as well. Part of him still wanted to run. “It was time,” was what he said instead.
His mother surprised him by nodding. Her next words were whispered. “I’m sorry, Eli.”
So taken aback he could barely breathe, Eli could not say a single word in response. His mother had said those same words to him many times. I’m sorry you had to stay home with me today. I’m sorry I interrupted you date. I’m so sorry you missed your test today because of me. She was always so full of apologies. But like the fear in her eyes, this apology was different. She actually meant it.
“You’re sorry?” he asked.
“I’m sorry I treated you the way I did,” she said quietly.
This time there was no hope of him responding.
“It was just so hard,” she continued. “All those others, they tried to take you away from me. You were the only one I had left. I didn’t want to lose you. I had to keep you from being stolen away. You understand that, right?”
Eli’s response was slow in coming. An unexpected flood of emotions broke over the carefully maintained dam he had erected. Her reasoning for what she did was still twisted and muddled, but she was beginning to understand that what she had done was wrong. She was sorry. Regret for hurting him had finally begun to outweigh her compulsion to smother him. His mother was asking him for forgiveness. It was something he never thought he could give her. Eli’s hand trembled as he held hers. He tightened his
grip in an effort to steel himself, but when her other hand dropped comfortingly onto his, everything crumbled.
Eli hadn’t cried for his mother since the day he found her lying on the kitchen floor. Too filled with bitterness after that day, her struggles and illnesses had only made him angry. Now, tears slipped down his cheeks. His mother brushed his tears away, something she had not done in a very long time.
“I do understand,” Eli finally mumbled through his tears. “I hate what you did to me, and to the others you hurt, but I understand you were scared. You were afraid of being abandoned again.”
His mother stroked his hand gently, her eyes downcast as she spoke. “I was terrified after your father died. I had never been on my own before. I went straight from my father’s home to marriage. Your father took care of everything, the money, the decisions, everything. All I had was you. But I knew one day you would leave me too. I was so frightened of being alone I … I did things I am ashamed of. I just couldn’t let you leave me. I couldn’t survive on my own.”
He wanted to tell her that she could have, but in all honestly, he wasn’t sure. So he patted her hand reassuringly and said nothing. Time held its breath in the silence. It was a moment that should have happened many times between a mother and son, but never truly had. There was a sense of something lost being found, but at the same time it created a standstill because neither person seemed to know where to go afterward.
It was not an end to a relationship, or even a beginning. Eli had no desire to end any more relationships that day. Beginning a new one was wholly distasteful. This was more of a redefinition, one that would take time.
“Why didn’t you bring Leila back to visit me?” his mother asked some time later. “I like her.”
Once again, Eli was surprised. “You do?”
“Very much,” she said primly.
Eli had no doubts about Leila’s wonderful personality, but his mother had never, never liked any girl or woman Eli had introduced her to. He had to ask. “What made you like her?”
“I asked her if she was going to steal you from me, and she said no.”
Eli’s eyebrows rose in disbelief. “That’s it?”
“I believed her,” she said, staring at him quite seriously. “She was the only person who’s visited me since I’ve been here. She cares enough about you to visit me when … when it was too hard for you to visit. She’s different than those other girls.”
The last sentence had a rather nasty tone to it, despite the fact that Eli’s previous attempts at girlfriends were also nice women. Still, even Eli had not thought Leila capable of making such an impression on his mother. “Is that so?” he asked.
“Yes, we’ve had several good talks. I like her. It makes me…happy,” she said, her last word passing her lips with considerable difficulty.
Astounded that she could feel even a disgruntled kind of happiness about her son being in a relationship was almost too much, but something else had impacted him even more. He struggled to speak, to ask, “Wait, several talks? You mean, Leila has visited you more than once?”
His mother looked at him with an incredulous expression. “She visits me every week.”
Eli sat back in his chair, utterly floored. It took him quite a while to process this revelation and consider what his response should be. He knew he could lie and spare himself from having to deal with his mother in a distressed state. Telling himself it would only set back her progress was almost enough to convince him to keep up the charade. It was such a tempting idea, but lies and manipulation were what had ruined his relationship with his mother in the first place.
“Mom, I’m glad you like Leila, but she may not be visiting you anymore,” Eli said.
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Why not?”
“Because …” Eli hedged, no longer sure this was a good idea. His mother’s insistent gaze would not let him escape. He sighed. “Because Leila and I are not together anymore.”
Eli did not expect his mother to get angry, but that was exactly what happened. She screwed up her face like a petulant child. “What do you mean you aren’t together anymore? What did you do?”
“I …” Eli paused, truly considering what he had done wrong. The answer was much too obvious. “I was too slow, too careful. I waited too long to tell her how I felt about her and she slipped away.”
“She left you?” his mother asked. She seemed incredulous.
Without explaining that Leila was never actually his girlfriend in the first place, giving an accurate account of what had happened was impossible. Eli settled for saying, “She didn’t leave me so much as chose someone else.”
“Why would she choose anyone else over my Eli?” his mother demanded.
Eli sunk into his chair and scrubbed his hands through his hair roughly. “I kept her at a distance because I thought it was the smart thing to do. I was too blind to realize she wanted more, and I lost her.”
“You’re just going to let her go?” his mother asked, gaping at him.
“Yes.”
She shook her head at him. “Why?”
“Because I promised myself I would.” I promised several others as well, Eli thought. And he knew he couldn’t disappoint them. He hoped to lose as few friends as possible because of his foolishness.
“But, Eli,” his mother cried, clearly distraught, “don’t you love her? How can you let her go?”
A sharp pain radiated from the center of Eli’s chest. He pretended the pain was what brought tears to his eyes and not the agony of being without Leila. “Yes, I love her very much, but that’s why I have to say goodbye. She’s happy without me, and I love her enough to step back and let her be happy.”
“But you won’t be happy,” his mother said softly. She reached for his hand and wrapped his trembling fingers around his.
The motherly gesture broke his composure. His face crumbled. Hot tears burned behind his closed eyelids. “No,” he said, “I won’t be happy, not like I was with her.”
Another shroud of silence fell. This one heavier and more difficult to bear than anything previous. It was so oppressive, Eli soon found the simple act of breathing to be too difficult. He wanted to escape, bury himself in his apartment and wallow. Only the quiet simpering of his mother crying broke through his melancholy. He looked up to see her shaking with one hand pressed to her mouth.
“Mom, it’s okay. Please don’t cry,” he begged.
“I did this,” she cried. “This is my fault.”
Being that Eli had no idea what his mother might have said to Leila, he wasn’t able to immediately dismiss her claim. He asked, “What do you mean?”
“I smothered you so much that now you push people away from you. Leila obviously cared about you very much, but now she’s gone because you wouldn’t give her what she needed.” Her sadness deepened. “This is my fault,” she wept.
Some other part of Eli’s brain took over his body then. He felt his hand gently pat his mother’s in an effort to console her, but his mind was elsewhere. It was considering her words very carefully. All the time he had spent with Leila he had planned the perfect ways to guide her. He presumed to know what was best for her and trusted himself that his only motivation for keeping her at a distance was so he could give her room to grow. What if it wasn’t?
Was his mother right? Had he kept Leila at a distance because he was afraid of smothering her, or being smothered? It was such a startling thought, Eli was sure he would ponder it for a long time, but whether it was true or not, he knew it didn’t matter. Leila was gone.
“Mom, please don’t be upset. Everything will be all right.” It was him soothing her after that. A familiar role for him, but he was strong enough not to be pulled under by the need to save her. He proved his strength the next time she spoke.
“I’ll miss talking to Leila, but you’ll still come visit me, right, Eli?” The glassy hope in her eyes was difficult to look away from.
“
I’ll visit again,” he said.
“When,” she demanded. “What time will you come? I need to know each day so Dr. Evans doesn’t try to schedule any tests or therapy sessions during those times. I don’t want to miss your visits. Nothing else is as important as seeing you.”
Tension sprang into Eli’s body at the first hint of her effort to lasso him with her control again. “Mom, I can’t, and won’t come to visit you every day. Aside from the fact that I am busy with my practice and research, it wouldn’t be good for either of us. Seeing you is still very hard for me. I can’t commit to a set schedule. I need time.”
“But you will come?” she begged, almost frantic.
“Yes,” Eli said warily, “I’ll come. I promise.”
Knowing that her son was a man of his word, her mounting hysteria lessened. She wasn’t happy by far, but she was controlling herself as best she could. It was tenuous, though, so Eli took that as his cue to leave. Saying goodbye was more difficult for her than it was for him. Eli needed to escape, to process everything his visit had stirred in him. He rushed out of her strangling hug, and out of the room. Dr. Evans followed quietly.
He didn’t speak right away. He gave Eli the moment he needed to shake off the effect his mother had on him. When Eli’s shoulders relaxed to their natural position and his jaw unclenched, Dr. Evans spoke. “Thank you for coming, Eli.”
“Is she always so … almost normal?” Eli asked.
Dr. Evans shook his head. “No, unfortunately. She still has plenty of bad days, and her physical health continues to decline, but today … just be grateful she was having a good day. I know this wasn’t easy for you.”
That was a severe understatement. “I will come back … but it won’t be right away.”
“I understand,” Dr. Evans said, “and on some level, so does she. She’ll be alright until you’re ready to see her again.”
Eli nodded with relief. He still bore a significant amount of anger toward his mother, but he had no desire to cause her intentional pain. There had already been enough of that doled out. Eli thanked him for all his help and turned to leave. Dr. Evans caught his arm before he made it more than a few steps. Eli looked back, concerned.
Date Shark Page 29
