The Weirdest Noob

by Arthur Stone

  “Undead Thylbit Commander. Creature summoned from the realm of darkness. Level: 55.”

  “Hey, you!” the “smiley face” kept yelling. “Little worm! Don’t be in such a hurry! Do you have any urgent errands suddenly?! Just hold on a moment, and there’ll be no errands left anymore, let alone of the urgent kind! I’ll take care of them all! Where are you?! I meant to have a snack, not play hide and seek! Oh, so there you are! Don’t go anywhere, I’m almost there!”

  The thylbit attacked. The “smiley face” waved its furry paw casually.

  “Your summoned creature dies.”

  “Hot damn!” Ros was amazed.

  The thylbit wasn’t anywhere as strong as the leprus, but being snuffed out like that, with a careless flick of a paw… Compared to this fuzzy fellow, the Chaos Viceroy was a vole beside a Clydesdale.

  He took aim and cast two more Chaos Arrows, aiming for the paws, hoping to get lucky and land a critical hit.

  Unsurprisingly, his efforts were entirely in vain. It was starting to get painfully obvious that he’d need an anti-tank rifle to break one of those legs.

  “Stop tickling me, little worm, or I’ll start laughing! And, the thing is, when I laugh, everyone around me cries! That doesn’t seem right!”

  Ros drew away from the mob again, hitting it a few more times in the legs with Chaos Arrow. Then again, and again. They kept running around the carcass in circles—the mob being unable to catch up with his quarry, and Ros refusing to retreat, thereby admitting defeat.

  Yet, he would have to admit it sooner or later, having already used up a barrel of mana on the ball of fur, with the mob not seeming to care one bit. Though he was dealing real damage, the boss’ HP bar just wasn’t budging.

  How much health did that monstrosity have?!

  “Little worm, will you simmer down? If you run around too much, the meat will be tough and gristly! Is that what you want?!”

  “I’m going to skin you and use your pelt as a rug in my castle!”

  “Oh, a funny one! Wherever will you get a castle? You’re so little and so stupid!”

  “I’ll keep it for later!”

  “Silly little worm! What kind of ‘later’ do you expect to have, eh?! Ouch! Will you stop that! It no longer tickles! It’s starting to irritate me! You don’t want me to get angry!”

  “Oh, so you don’t like it, do you?! Here’s more! And more!”

  “You’re bad! And really mean! All your meat must be steeped in bile! Whoever would eat something like that? I’m off! Stay there all by yourself!”

  “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?!”

  “I’ve got some pressing business to attend to! I’ve got to eat the meat and say my farewells! I might even skip the latter part—why would I want to say my farewells to some worm?”

  “I’m not done with you yet!” Ros started to pelt the retreating “smiley face” with one Chaos Arrow after another. “I won’t let you go like that! Hey! You! Walking rug! Hold it right there! If you do anything with my meat, I’ll keep on your tail until I get your hide!”

  “Little worm, why escalate a groundless conflict?! I agree that I was a little bit in the wrong there, but will you stop chasing and tickling me already? Bearing grudges doesn’t become you!”

  “The meat is mine!”

  “All right, sure, it’s yours, big deal! Do you think I’ve never seen meat belonging to someone else? But we need to recognize an obvious fact: you are rather small, yet you have a lot of meat! What would a small worm like you want so much meat for? There’s just something unfair about it. Let’s be sensible: you’ll take as much as you need, and leave the rest for me!”

  “How much can I take, exactly?” Ros asked.

  “The question reeks of ambiguity, and is hard to answer as a result. Our relationship so far has been based on failure to understand where our mutual interests lie, and I’m prepared to admit I am partially to blame. So, I’m willing to make a conciliatory gesture: you can take as much as you can carry.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Perfect. Let’s not procrastinate—chop off as much as you need at once.”

  Ros approached the moose carcass unhurriedly, and said dismissively:

  “No need to chop. I’ll just take it.”

  Having said that, he hid the moose carcass in a slot on his belt. Though its weight was around seven or eight hundred kilos, it was immediately reduced by a factor of ten, making it easy for Ros with his stats to carry the load, albeit with some penalties. Even now, it wasn’t his hunting trophy that encumbered him most, but the metal collected in the thylbit dungeon, including the ore. All in all, he had about a ton of stuff on his person.

  Ros pretended the load wasn’t heavy as he waved the “smiley face” goodbye, flashing the friendliest of his smiles.

  “Bye-bye, my fuzzy friend. Take good care now.”

  The mob’s legs folded, apparently outraged by such blatant robbery, and it transformed into a very unhappy walking emoticon, its face wearing an expression of deep dejection.

  “I say! Little worm! What gives?! I feel robbed!”

  “You said I could take as much as I could carry, so I did. You said that explicitly, didn’t you?”

  “I admit I did. But I implied a part of the carcass and not the entire thing.”

  “Cut the demagoguery out already—I got mine, and now you can get your part.”

  “My part?” said the grumpy “smiley face,” looking like it would burst into tears any moment. “But you have left me nothing at all! There’s just the trampled grass from underneath the carcass! It’s all gone!”

  “Oh, so it’s meat that you want?”

  “Duh! I always want meat!”

  “I’d be prepared to accommodate you, but there’s something I need in return.”

  “Just what do you need, little worm? Want me to bury you in damp loamy soil and damp leaves so that it would be more pleasant for you to crawl about?”

  “We can do without that. I’ll just ask you a few questions, and you’ll answer them. Agreed?”

  “Just that? Sure, I love a good chat. I hate to be doing it on an empty stomach, though. Why don’t you get the meat out? I could at least look at it—a sight for sore eyes, as it were.”

  “Answers first.”

  “You’re mean, but bloody-minded, and you have no fear, I’ll give you that. I respect that, which is why I haven’t eaten you. Now, what do you want to know?”

  “Who the blazes are you?”

  “Oh, sure. Please pardon my manners—I never got around to introducing myself. I am Bug.”

  “Bug?”

  “Yeah. A software error.”

  “I know what bugs are. Could you be more specific?”

  “That was what a worm that looked like you called me—he came when I forgot everything.”

  “Forgot everything?”

  “Yeah. I was supposed to do something—wait in the woods until someone came. They were supposed to bring meat or something of the sort, and I was supposed to help them somehow, I guess. Only it took too long to just stand here, and I got too hungry. There was no meat from anyone for a long time. So I forgot whatever I was supposed to do there, and when the worms came, I ate them.”

  “Worms like me?”

  “Yeah. Similar. Only those were fatter. One was outright delicious, the second one was okay, and the third one got stuck in my teeth on the account of wearing too much yucky iron. And then I suddenly found myself in a place with too much light, but hardly any trees at all. And there was someone who called me a bug. That’s it! I remember now! He said I was an error—an NPC with an immortality option that had survived from the beta testing stage and could not be disabled for some reason. He tasted all right, if a bit bland. I could do with more tartness.”

  “What was the shining place?”

  “No idea. I didn’t like it much, so I headed back for the forest.”

  “How exactly did you do it?”

  “The way
I normally do. If I want to be near the trees, that’s where I show up.”

  “Bug, do you remember the quest you were supposed to wait for in the woods?”

  “Nah. I don’t. Forgot everything. It was a long time ago. And I’m not interested in that, anyway. So, how about that meat?”

  Ros got the carcass out of his belt, pulled out his knife, and sliced off a good chunk of the leg.

  “Here, take it—all yours.”

  The moose meat went into the gigantic mouth. Bug chewed slowly, just the way he said he did, squinting from sheer delight and even producing a purring-like sound.

  “That sure was good meat, little worm. I should go and look for something else now.”

  “That wasn’t enough for you?”

  “There’s never enough for me—no matter how much there is. I am strange and mysterious like that.”

  “I’m pretty strange myself.”

  “Are you? In that case, it’s a good thing I didn’t gobble you up. Really great, actually. Would be a shame to eat someone who’s just like you.”

  “I agree wholeheartedly.”

  “It’s a pity I don’t remember why I stood there waiting for worms. I was supposed to know a great secret and be able to share it in exchange for meat. You have given me some meat, which I enjoyed, but I have forgotten the secret. Oh well, time for me to get going—I won’t hold you any longer. Call me if you ever feel like a chat.”

  “Call you?”

  “Just say it out loud, the way that other worm did, ‘Game administrator alpha four-oh-two calling object number one one four five zero two eight, bug report number sever thousand nine hundred and forty-five, to the technical location. Will you be able to remember that?”

  “I’ll remember it all right, but will you come?”

  “Right away, but not for long. And you have to say the words yourself, it can’t be someone else. You’re funny, after all. And curious. You tried to tickle me by yourself, without calling for help. And it was a funny little insect that you sent to fight me. You are brave and stupid. They usually gather up a crowd to tickle me, so I can no longer catch them. That is when I get very nervous and end up catching them in the end. Anyway, I should get going already, I’ve got business to attend to. Look at me—still saying my goodbyes and not going anywhere.”

  “Bye-bye, Bug.”

  The mob got past the zone of felled trees and trampled bushes that remained after the fight, but turned around before disappearing into the woods.

  “Oh, I nearly forgot—don’t call me too often or I might get upset. I have gotten used to wandering around on my own, after all. And if you do call me, make sure there’s some food around, or I’ll get really upset. And then you can’t fault me if I chew on a worm or two to feel better.”

  “You acquire a new skill: Summon Malfunctioning Quest. When activated by voice, a “no data” will appear in your current location. Cooldown: 75 days. New auxiliary stat unlocked: Eloquence. Your Eloquence grows to 6. You will get bigger discounts from NPC merchants and be able to purchase goods at lower prices. NPCs with a negative attitude toward your race will often ignore their own prejudice. Achievement received: Know Thyself Better. Achievement bonus: +5 HP. Achievement unlocked: Broaden Your Horizons. Unlock 100 auxiliary stats to complete the achievement. Achievement bonus: random.”

  The trees and the bushes kept snapping under the heavy steps of a bug that even an administrator couldn’t fix.

  * * *

  Ros gave up on the idea of having some meat for breakfast, and sat right there in the forest, among the vegetation trampled by Bug, studying the forum attentively. He was interested in the strange mob and wanted to find out more about it.

  And so he did.

  Bug used to be an important NPC in a complex quest chain offering a substantial reward to whoever managed to complete it. The “smiley face” was supposed to accept the results somewhere around the middle stages of the chain, and then instruct the players further on completing the latter parts, and maybe even provide personal assistance. Nobody knew for sure, for no one had managed to get past Bug in the entire history of Second World.

  Bug wasn’t interested in the results of any quests, and offered no information on completing the chain. The “smiley face” simply ate the players who didn’t run away with due haste. The only ones who managed to get away were solitary players—the mob would usually refrain from using its signature skill on them. But anyone who came in a party would get stunned for a long while with its roar. The mob would proceed to consume the stunned players at its leisure, calling them worms as it gobbled them up.

  It took the players a while to realize something was wrong with the quest, reasoning it was a boss that had to be killed for the quest to continue. They came in parties, raid groups, and then multiple raid groups. The outcome remained the same—Bug would slowly devour anyone too slow to run away, and no one had managed to make even the smallest dent in its HP.

  The logical conclusion was reached: the creature was no boss, but rather an NPC, perfectly useless for dropping trophies and retaining the invulnerability option since the beta testing stage. There were plenty of those during development, though all of them had lost that feature afterwards.

  Or “almost all,” evidently. The game administration made an official apology, declared the quest to be a malfunction, and recommended everyone to keep away from the quest zone while the bug was being fixed.

  But Bug decided against getting fixed. Nor did it stay in the quest zone. It had been sighted in every sector of the game world for about a year now, usually next to someone killing large game. Moose and buffaloes were his favorites.

  And no matter where Bug was sighted, it always did the same thing—chewed up anyone too slow to run away very slowly and methodically.

  What a fascinating game… It had been over a year, and they still couldn’t fix a blatant error. Moreover, the error had managed to munch on an administrator—and in a technical location no less, which was apparently beyond everyone’s access.

  Just a moment! There were numerous forum posts to the effect that there were no administrators in the game. Or maybe the technical location didn’t count?

  At any rate, it was time to stop bothering with the forum. He needed to do something about fire posthaste, and then move on before he attracted the attention of something even worse than Bug.

  Chapter 40

  “What we mustn’t forget is that these days Second World is probably the main source of online pornography. We can speak of virtually every type of consumer of this product, as it were, being covered. Real men and women cannot compete with 3D animation. Apart from being impossible to distinguish from the real thing, the latter has another enormous advantage over the former. It suffices to purchase an account and then pay a bit extra for the ability to edit your appearance, and you get everything you need to be a model—a stunning girl or a handsome and well-endowed male with all the features required by the genre.

  Porn producers no longer need to invest in professional equipment for photography or video recording—anyone can record everything they observe in the game or make high-resolution stills. The amazing graphics lauded so aggressively by official advertising can be used as decorations for adult films just as easily as battlegrounds. The term “interracial sex” never covered a great variety of relations formerly, but these days you could see a lot more for a token amount of money or even free of charge if you know where to look. There can be intercourse between a green orc with fangs and a blonde elven maiden, as well as dwarves, goblins, demons, reptilian races, and so forth— something for every taste.

  You may not be interested in intercourse between sentient beings. But there are hundreds—nay, thousands of the so-called mobs. One recollects a recent in-game sensation in this respect—a group of players had intended to record a film featuring a high-level elite monster, incredibly dangerous and rather infamous. Control skills were supposed to keep it paralyzed so that it could be treated the
way it had never been treated before. Something went wrong, however, and it got its rather brutal revenge on the players for their ill-fated attempt at sexual assault. The resulting porn/comedy film became popular even among those who had no interest in such content in general.

  Child porn is another thing to consider. An account can be registered from the age of sixteen—and, in some cases, the age of ten, if sanctioned by medical professionals. But we are not talking about actual children here. The thing is that the game has several anthropomorphic races that look explicitly infantile without any effort. In other words, they look just like children. You can amplify the racial features as you edit your characters and end up with a character who looks like a fourteen-year-old, or even younger. These are in high demand in game brothels; pornographic photographs and videos with their participation are also popular among a certain type of users. It is perfectly legal in many countries, provided none of the models are actually underage. De facto, the propagation of such content online is viewed by many as a cause for concern. Recent protests in Japan were a result of this phenomenon—a notorious pornographic video featuring a model that was the spitting image of a protagonist from a popular film.

  No members of the Second World project’s administration have issued any official comments regarding the game’s transformation into a porn production studio, ignoring their critics who say it’s one of their numerous revenue streams (which is perfectly true, since none of the model accounts are free). But if they did comment, they would likely simply refer to their official policy of not meddling in the gaming process.

  The only response I recall concerned an allegation of sexual exploitation of underage players by the company. And their defense was that the above is technically impossible. It wasn’t just that one cannot undress a player without their consent—there were other account protection measures besides, meaning minors were out of bounds, even with consent. A SW representative mentioned a whole complex of measures aimed at protecting minors, dismissing claims of possible circumvention of said measures as frivolous speculation bearing no relation to gaming reality. His reply to the question about preventing lewd actions that did not involve physical contact (such as text messages and voice chat) was that no one has found any protection from such behavior to date, and that the problem pertained to the web in general, and not just one gaming project.”