by Hilary Zaid
( )
October 1998
Dear Charlie, this is a very belated way of saying, politely, deferentially: As much as I may be tempted to join you, the world will lose its Survivors. And then what? (We each have a voice that passes into silence. We each have just a moment that becomes the history of our life on earth.) I dread with all my heart what the world may become when those voices have left it. I’m a Jew of the late 20th century, Charlie. That history is still my burden.
As is this. Take it as a hedge against that other hoped-for day when the world has changed so much that the idea of our inequality becomes otherwise unbelievable, when acceptance comes to look, dangerously, wondrously, a lot like invisibility.
Take it, Charlie, and make sure the scholars of the 21st century understand, despite the limits of our time and place, that this woman of the late 20th century met a young woman, and fell in love and, despite what the books of law still say: Here, in the hills of Berkeley, in Tilden Park, on October 11, 1998, surrounded by family and friends, and according to the laws of Moses and the Jewish people, Charlie, I married her.
(Postscript: In the summer of 2008, I married her again in Oakland City Hall. Our two little girls held the flowers. Their names, Charlie, are Sophie and Annie.)
About the Author
Hilary Zaid is an alumna of the Squaw Valley Community of Writers and the Tin House Writers’ Workshop and a 2017 Tennessee Williams Scholar at the Sewanee Writers’ Conference. Her short stories have appeared in publications including Lilith, The Southwest Review, The Utne Reader, CALYX, The Santa Monica Review, and The Tahoma Literary Review and have been twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize. A graduate of Harvard and Radcliffe, and of the Ph.D. program in English at the University of California, Berkeley, Hilary lives in the Bay Area with her family.
Acknowledgments
When I sat down many years ago to write this book, there was only one person who mattered: you. I hoped that one day this book would find you, as so many quiet novels had found me and spoken to me and lit up my world with the warmth of another mind, an imagined world that made me at home in mine. Scrawling these pages in the pages of notebooks, I hoped, one day, that they would meet you.
I’m so glad you’re here.
Writing is solitary. Bringing a book into the world is not. This book would not be in your hands without the love, generosity and support of the following people: Rachel Adams, Kevin Allardice, Lisa Alvarez, Elizabeth (Radar) Anderson, Camille Angel, Shona Armstrong, Chris Augusta, Damir Augusta (z”l), Karen Augusta, Phillip Augusta, Jessie Austin, Ramona Ausubel, Karen Bender, The Binders, Lucy Bledsoe, BLOOM, Barbara Boardman, BGN, Rachel Borup, Sylvia Brownrigg, Dani Burlison, Bywater Books, Alexander Chee, Lance Cleland, Leland Cheuk, The Community of Writers at Squaw Valley, Congregation Sha’ar Zahav, Karin Cecile Davidson, Ilana DeBare, Mavis Delacroix, Jo Levi DeSanti, Dr. Dixon, Pat Dobie, Erika Dreifus, East Bay Booksellers, Charles Flowers, Janet Frishberg, Craig Foster, Amina Gautier, Elizabeth Gessel, Francoise Guigel, Rachel Hall, Jane Eaton Hamilton, Sam Hiyate, Carolyn Hutton, Susan Turner Jones, Jody Joseph, Brad Johnson, Carmel Kadrnka, Sarinah Kalb, Deborah Kalb, Nancy Kates, Anna Katz, Judith Katz, Rose Katz, Rosalie Morales Kearns, Cherry Kim, Nina Klose, Georgia Kolias, Jed Kolko, Cheryl Krisko, Ida Kuluk, Chaney Kwak, Jean Kwok, Adam Latham, Kiese Laymon, David Leavitt, Dora Lee, Lois Leveen, Lilith Magazine, Rachel Maizes, Marianne K. Martin, The Martinez Family, Jane Mason, Jackie Mates-Muchin, Richard May, Jamie Mayer, Jill McCorkle, Alice McDermott, Yona Zeldis McDonough, Ann McMan, Nayomi Munaweera, The Oakland Public Library, Aline Ohanesian, Chinelo Okparanta, Morgan Parker, Joe Ponepinto, Peg Alford Pursell, Crystal Reiss, The Rights Factory, Jennifer Robinson, The Rockridge Library, Cassandra Rodgers, Meredith Rose, Elizabeth Rosner, Bob Ross, Emery Ross, Rob Saarnio, Deborah and Mike Sabin, Saints & Sinners’ Literary Festival, Mo Saito, Anne Schmitz, Susan Weidman Schneider, Diana Selig, Wendy Sheanin, Hilary Sloin, Kelly Smith, Connie Sommer, Rachel Spengler, Adrian Staub, Luan Strauss, Nancy Squires, Molly Talamontes, Mariko Tamaki, Jenny Teaford, The Tin House Writer’s Workshop, Andrew Tonkovich, Kern Toy, Alicia Upano, Jen Vetter, Paul Vetter, Jess Walter, Mike Waters, Steve Yarbrough, Amy Waldman, Rebecca Weiner, Ellen Weis, Salem West, Amy Weston, Jessie Williams, Angelica Zaid, Blaine Zaid, Gavin Zaid, Gerald and Shirley Zaid, Jon Zaid, Mel Zaid, Pam Zaid, Ryan Zaid, Spencer Zaid.
Most especially: Lauren Augusta, my spouse and my love, without whose perfect faith in me nothing would be possible. My sons, who broke open the world. No creation will ever be as beautiful as you are to me.
History is incomplete. Behind and between these names are others whose stories sustained me and those whose names have not been written. Whoever you are, holding me now in hand, I hope you have found some bright shard in these pages to sustain you and to light your way.
Bywater Books
Copyright © 2018 Hilary Zaid
All rights reserved. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Bywater Books.
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-61294-114-1
Bywater Books First Edition: March 2018
Cover designer: Ann McMan, TreeHouse Studio
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This novel is a work of fiction. All characters and events described by the author are fictitious. No resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, is intended.
Portions of Elizabeth Landau’s testimony are derived from personal conversations with Lucille Eichengreen, Fall 1996. Ms. Eichengreen has published her own account of her experiences in the memoir From Ashes to Life: My Memories of the Holocaust (1994).
Lyrics from Tanja Solnik’s “PapIr is Doch Vays,” from Love Songs and Lullabies. Traditional.
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