by Jo Leigh
“I need to talk to her.”
“It will have to wait. Now go!”
Nick stood his ground. “No, please. This must be done.”
Jessica’s heart thumped in her chest. This wasn’t good. She knew it. Something terrible had happened that couldn’t wait for the ceremony. Reluctantly, she moved her gaze to Nick’s. He smiled at her, but there was a sadness in his eyes that made her throat close.
He walked over to her, took the bouquet and put it down on the table, then grasped both of her hands. His gaze caught hers and held it steady. “Do you love me?” he asked, his voice so tender it made her more confused than ever. “Please, be honest. I need to know.”
She knew it was no good lying to him. He could read her, he always had been able to do that. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Do you believe I love you?”
She looked away. This was a much harder question. She knew he liked her, but love? She lifted her chin and met his gaze.
“I...”
“The truth, carissima. Please.”
“No, I don’t.”
He nodded his head, as if she’d confirmed his own belief. “I do love you, Jessica. I didn’t know it before, but I do now. Another thing I know is that my word isn’t enough. I want you to believe, beyond any doubt or reason, that my love for you is real.”
Jessica didn’t know how to react. Was he telling her the truth? Or was this some crazy way of backing out of this hasty marriage? Why couldn’t she see into his heart, the way he could see into hers? It wasn’t fair.
“I’ve rushed you into this,” he said. “And I apologize. I gave you no time to think things through. Or to really get to know me. I’d like to make up for that now, Jessica. If... When we get married, I want you to say yes because you want to. Not because you feel you have to, for the child. I need for you to see that I love you, angelo mio.”
Jessica tried to get her thoughts together. It had all happened so quickly, she wasn’t at all sure how she should feel. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She tried to feel something shift, a belief that he loved her click into place.
God, how she’d longed for those words! Yet she didn’t believe them. She couldn’t. The words weren’t enough.
“I want to marry you,” Nick said. “But I won’t make this decision for you.”
She looked at Theresa, at Angelina. They both appeared calm, but she knew they were thinking of the guests waiting outside, of the mess that would erupt if she told Nick she wanted to wait. Theresa’s gaze went to her stomach, and Jessica realized she’d put a protective hand there.
“Don’t worry,” Nick said. “Whatever you decide, I’ll do everything I can for the baby. He’ll have a family, I give you my word.”
This was what she’d wanted. Time. A chance to think things through. He was offering her the very thing she’d prayed for, yet it was almost unthinkable to say she wanted to call off the wedding.
“I’ll wait, Jessica,” he whispered. “For as long as it takes.”
This was the single biggest decision she was ever going to make. It deserved time, and thought, and patience. Not just on her part, either. Nick had rushed into this whole thing, too. He deserved a chance to back out. Although she certainly hoped he wouldn’t.
She nodded. It was all she had the strength for. If she tried to speak, she was going to cry, and she didn’t want to do that. She’d done enough crying.
“I’ll go make the announcement,” Nick said. Then he leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. “Next time,” he whispered, “those tears will be from happiness. I give you my word.”
Chapter Sixteen
Jessica stared at the slice of wedding cake on her plate. No one had wanted to eat it, after the wedding had been called off. So she’d frozen most of it. She hadn’t eaten any, although sugary sweets were the only foods she really liked these days. Somehow, eating the cake seemed bad luck. It wasn’t anything concrete, but she couldn’t help feeling that if she kept it whole, the wedding would still take place, just as if nothing had happened.
Of course, that was nonsense. But she still couldn’t do it. She put the plastic wrap back on the slice and slipped it into the freezer.
It didn’t take a psychiatrist to understand why she’d tried to eat the cake today. Nick was at the airline. Getting his schedule. Making plans to leave her. In the two weeks since their canceled wedding, they’d spent a lot of time together, and while she felt she knew him better, there were still doubts.
Mostly about his long trips. He’d told her not to worry. That he would be faithful. That he loved her. And mostly, she believed him. Mostly.
But when she was alone, she got scared. He’d tried to convince her to move to Rome, but she couldn’t. Not for good, at least. She didn’t want to leave her job or her friends now. Not while she was so uncertain of her future.
Time and again she thought she should just say yes. Marry him. Just believe in him. But it was no good. She just couldn’t shake the image of Nick in his pilot’s uniform. Of the women he’d meet. And she kept thinking of Angelina’s words. It wasn’t enough for Nick just to come back to her. She didn’t want him to leave in the first place.
She wished Angelina and Theresa could have stayed longer. They had been so understanding, and so giving. They’d told her time and again that no matter what, she was family. The baby was family. It didn’t matter if she married Nick, although they hoped she would.
Everyone had been wonderful about the wedding being called off. No one had cried foul, although she’d done a lot of explaining to Jeff and the others. In the end, they’d given her their total support. They’d let her know that if she decided not to marry, she’d have them to count on. Like a family.
The irony was not lost on her. All her life, the one thing she’d wanted was to belong. To have a family who loved her. Now that she’d called off her wedding, her dream had come due. She had what she’d longed for.
She also realized that a large part of her decision to marry Nick in the first place was because of that dream. She’d said yes so she could belong. But the marriage was no longer needed. Not for that. Marrying Nick was now about one thing only—their love for each other.
She looked down at her yellow pad. The question on top was one she didn’t know how to answer. Yesterday, the response would have been a resounding yes, but today she wasn’t nearly as sure. Did she love Nick? Did she love him for the right reasons? Or did she only love him for the things he could give her?
Now that she knew she didn’t have to face the future alone, was marriage something she wanted? What would it really be like, with him gone so much? Did she honestly believe he loved her enough to be faithful?
It all came down to trust, which was something she wasn’t very familiar with. The one truth she’d believed since childhood was the fact that people were untrustworthy. That love was dangerous. That the only person she could count on was herself. Yet, that wasn’t true anymore, was it?
She could count on Jeff. On Stan, and Paul and Alan. They had come through for her, many times. Right this minute, Jeff and Stan were at the new house, designing the nursery.
She could count on Angelina and Theresa. They’d proved themselves to be kind and generous in every way.
And she could count on Nick... for certain things, at least. He’d be there financially for her and the baby. He’d be there emotionally, for the baby. But could she count on him to be there for her? To love her in sickness and in health? For the rest of their lives?
Maybe that was a question no one could answer, but surely when other people got married they didn’t have this kind of doubt. But then, most people who got married knew each other far better than she knew Nick.
What were his favorite colors? How did he learn to fly? Was he allergic to anything? What did he want out of life? Of course, he didn’t know any of those things about her, either. Was marriage the time to discover the answers, or were the answers the clues to whether she
should marry?
One thing was clear. She’d never been more confused in her life. The problem was how to fix that. She sighed. How had life gotten so complicated? Looking up at the clock, she saw she had to shower. Nick would be back from the airport soon. They were going to the beach. What would happen after that? She had no idea.
NICK PRESSED ON THE GAS, grateful to be moving again, even if it was just a few feet. There had been an accident on the 405, and he’d been stuck in traffic for the last hour, watching the planes take off and land from Los Angeles International. He’d done some thinking, watching those planes. Going back to work was something he wanted, right? Then why did he feel so badly?
He knew it bothered Jessica that she’d be alone a great deal of the time, but what occurred to him while he was in the Alitalia office was that he’d be without her. That hadn’t been a problem before. Now, it was. He wanted to be with her. All the time. He wanted to be there for the pregnancy. The birth. And surely he wanted to be there after the baby came. He didn’t see how he could do both.
Unless, of course, he changed jobs. If he made his home base Los Angeles, and went on local flights only. That hadn’t appealed to him before, but now? It would still mean he would be away from home, but not that often. Certainly nothing like the time he’d be away on international flights.
He sat with that decision as he inched his way on the freeway. She’d be pleased, he thought, with this plan. At least he hoped so. For the first time since he’d met Jessica, he couldn’t read her. The last few weeks, she’d been moody and a little distant. Angelina had told him not to worry. He’d given Jessica a great deal to think about. And she’d suggested he do some thinking, too.
Not just about his job, but about his future. About his commitment to this new life he wanted so badly.
If he married Jessica, it was for the rest of his life. Could he do that? He wasn’t sure. But he did know that the thought of living the rest of his life without her was untenable.
He remembered the day she’d arrived at his villa. That awful day when he’d hurt her, and Gina and Libby, so badly. That had been the turning point for him. When he’d seen Jessica’s feel. When he saw she’d climbed the trellis. He’d fallen in love with her then, although he hadn’t realized it. That was why he hadn’t been able to write to her. Why he’d had to take time off and fly halfway around the world.
There had to be a way to convince her that marrying him was the right thing to do. But he had to be careful. No more pushing, no more making decisions for the both of them without talking to her first.
The problem was that Jessica was such a logical creature. She would have to be sure. All those cons on her yellow pad would have to turn to pros. A daunting task. He barely knew how to begin.
It had always been easy with women before. Not because he was so special, but because he didn’t care. Not really. It was all temporary. He’d never let himself feel strongly about any one woman. And he’d made sure that no woman cared about him. Always, he’d told them that he was not serious.
Someone honked, and he realized that traffic had begun to move. He drove quickly now, past the wreck on the side of the road, to his exit. But he didn’t stop thinking.
THE BEACH WAS ALMOST empty. A man walked with his dog, a woman read under an umbrella. Several surfers bobbed in the waves. Nick took Jessica’s hand in his and led her down the steps to the sand.
She remembered the last time she’d been to the beach with him. They’d walked and walked, and she’d told him more in those hours than she’d admitted to any of her friends in years. He’d prompted her, eased her into the conversation, and somehow she’d felt safe. He’d known exactly what questions to ask, and she hadn’t hesitated to answer him truthfully.
He smiled at her as he spread the blanket a few feet from the shoreline. “Good?”
She nodded, then sat down to take off her shoes. He joined her, slipping off his Italian loafers and his socks, then rolling up his pant legs, just like he’d done all those months ago. She let her gaze move over him and felt that strange tightness in her stomach that only he could produce. His blue polo shirt hugged his muscular back, and his biceps bunched and relaxed as he fixed his pant legs. When he stood up, he blocked the sun with his body, and the outline of him with his broad chest and slim, tight hips made her want much more than a walk on the beach.
Whatever their problems, they weren’t about sex. She’d never been more excited by a man. Never felt this physical pull that made her inarticulate and almost feral in her desire. He hadn’t just known how to talk to her. He’d known how to make love to her. She’d never had to say a word. He just knew. Even the first time, he’d known just where to touch, how hard, how soft, how long. It was as if she’d never made love before.
“Are you all right?”
She smiled and held out her hands. He took them and pulled her up, right into his arms. She couldn’t help herself. She kissed him, and when her lips touched his, she felt herself relax completely. God, how she loved being this close. Touching him, tasting him. He filled the empty spaces inside her.
He broke the kiss gently, then smiled. “Are you sure you want to do this? We could go back to your apartment.”
She grinned. “No, we’ll walk. Then we’ll go back to my apartment.”
“Perhaps we’ll jog, yes?”
Her laughter felt good, and she realized she hadn’t laughed in too long. Nick could always make her laugh, at least when she wasn’t neck deep in an ocean of doubt. The only time she felt completely at ease was when they were like this. When their bodies took over.
She stepped back and took his hand, leading him to the shore. When she got to the wet sand, she curled her toes, loving the feel of it. A wave came up and the white bubbles washed over her feet. Cold as only the Pacific in summer can be. She sighed, content for the first time in days.
They began walking, and for a long while, they didn’t speak. Jessica stared out over the ocean at the surfers and beyond them to the few boats on the horizon. Then she looked back at Nick, and that view was better still.
He was so beautiful. She hoped the baby would take after him. Girl or boy. She wanted her child to have his thick dark hair, his deep brown eyes and mostly that incredible profile.
“May I ask you a question?” Nick said.
“Yes, of course.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about your mother?”
Her throat tightened for just a second, then she relaxed again. “I’m not sure,” she said. “I didn’t want to spoil things, I guess.”
“You think I wouldn’t have understood?”
“Well, Mona isn’t like Angelina. Not even close.”
He looked at her for a long while. “Did I ever tell you about my father?”
She shook her head.
He took a deep breath, then squeezed her hand tight for a moment. “My father was a very good businessman. He traded in the stock market, bought and sold companies. He was ahead of his time in that way. A true entrepreneur. He made us very wealthy. I don’t think we’ve ever talked about that, have we?”
“Well, I know you have money. The house, the villa.”
“I have a great deal of money, Jessica. It’s mostly in investments, but I also own a lot of property all over Europe. Our child will never have to worry about money. Ever. And neither will you.”
“Your father?”
“Ah, yes. He was a very smart man. But he could be cruel. He didn’t treat my mother very well.”
“She told me she loved him very much.”
“She did. And I believe he loved her, too. But that didn’t stop him from hurting her. He never even tried to hide his mistresses. In fact, he was proud of the other women.”
Nick walked quietly for a moment, staring at the water. “He told me that marriage was for women, not men. That you got married to have children, and that was a good thing. But real men couldn’t be satisfied with one woman for a whole lifetime.”
“Oh, Nic
k.”
“How much he hurt Mama. She cried and cried, all because she loved him so much. By the time I was a young man, she’d stopped crying. She’d made peace with the situation. But I didn’t. Even though I loved my father, I hated him, too.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So you see, carissima, I understand. I see that you want so much for the baby. That you want to give our child what you didn’t have.”
“And you,” she said. “You didn’t want to be like your father.”
“No. I didn’t. I don’t.”
“But you’re frightened?”
“I think yes. But now that I see, I don’t think it’s too much of a danger.”
They fell into silence once more as they continued walking. Seabirds found tiny morsels to eat all around them. Jessica let go of Nick’s hand and slipped her arm around his waist. He moved so he could hold her shoulder, while she rested her head against his. So much to think about. She understood more now. But she still didn’t have a complete picture of Nick That would take a very long time. It occurred to her that it would be time very well spent.
“Nick?”
“Yes?”
“Why me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why do you want to marry me?”
Nick stopped and gave her a funny little smile. “I was hoping you’d ask,” he said. Then he reached into his back pocket and brought out a small notepad. Like a boy handing his teacher a shiny apple, he gave it to her.
She looked down and smiled. There, in very small, neat print, was a list. The title was Why I Should Marry Jessica. Underneath that was only one sentence. But it was a good one. Because I love her.
“Turn the page, Cara.”
She did. It was empty.
“You see?” he said, touching her face with the back of his hand. “No cons. Only pros.”
“Nick, it’s still awfully fast.”
“So we take our time. We marry when it’s right for you. No rushing.”
“But with your schedule...”
