by Kat Mizera
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
Our eyes met. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”
The car service the team had hired for us took us to the hotel and we sat in the bar, waiting for a few guys from the team to get there. Ellie was drinking a soda and I ordered a beer, but I was only going to have one. I had so much going on in my head, the last thing I needed was alcohol. Plus, I felt bad for Ellie and didn’t want her to feel awkward being the only one who couldn’t drink.
A few of the WAGs showed up and Ellie went over to join them at a table just as Nate, Toli, and his son Anton got to the bar. We settled at a high-top table and I kept an eye on Ellie as they ordered drinks. She’d been quiet on the ride over, but I’d been so busy telling her about my conversations with the guys in the locker room, I hadn’t really noticed until now.
“Everything okay?” Toli asked me, following my gaze.
“Just worried about her,” I admitted. “This has been a lot to take in and she has some stuff going on at school, so I’m being overprotective. She can hold her own but I’m assuming the ladies are also looking out for her.”
“They are,” Toli nodded. “And the goal here is to get you to want to come to Vegas, not to scare you or your girlfriend off.”
“Good to know.”
We bullshitted for a few minutes and then Nate turned to me. “So I hear you’re waffling about leaving school.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “My dad never went to college and he had a career-ending injury his rookie season, so we struggled financially because he didn’t know how to do anything but hockey.”
“Well, there are two sides to that,” Nate said. “Obviously, I didn’t go pro until after I got my degree—for a lot of the same reasons. Staying in college also allows us to grow both physically and emotionally. If you were going to be coming to Vegas just to get sent down to the minors, I’d suggest you stay in school, but from what I’ve seen and heard, that won’t be the case with you.”
“So you think it’s time for me to leave school.” It was more of a statement than a question and Nate didn’t hesitate to nod.
“Here’s the thing,” he said quietly. “Once you start feeling the pull, that little voice in your subconscious urging you to do it, hockey will continue to gnaw at you until you feel like you can’t breathe. And then you’ll be mid-season and it’s going to fuck with your head. Making a clean break now is really the best decision.”
“I agree,” Anton said. “In my case, I wanted to go pro after my sophomore year but I was only nineteen and wasn’t ready. My game wasn’t where it needed to be and I was nowhere near mature enough. Playing those extra two years in college made a huge difference. It doesn’t sound like you need that extra time and, frankly, with guys retiring at the end of this season, this is the perfect year to fight for a spot.”
“Multiple guys retiring?” I asked.
Toli grinned and elbowed his son. “Yes, there are a few of us going that route, but no one has announced anything officially, so Anton should keep his mouth shut.”
Anton laughed. “Sorry.”
I glanced over at Ellie and she was laughing with the WAGs—a really good sign—and seemed at ease with them, which would make a world of difference if I did manage to get her to go with me.
We talked for another hour until the car service told us it was time to go, and I called Ellie over so she could meet the guys.
“Nice to meet you, Ellie.” Nate shook her hand and then put his arm around Chelsea.
“Hey, nice to meet you.” Anton shook her hand too.
“Thank you for inviting us to come out,” she said politely. “We were really excited to meet everyone.”
“You two have a lot to talk about,” Toli said gently. “And my best advice is to come up with your decisions together. Communication is key in life-changing decisions like this.”
“Since Patrick is making the move to Vegas,” Nate said to me, “you should definitely look into online classes, since it sounds like getting your degree is important to you.”
I nearly groaned at the look on Ellie’s face but she quickly masked it, smiling politely. “Oh, absolutely. We’re going to discuss everything.” Her emphasis on that last word told me I’d fucked up big-time, but I honestly hadn’t made any decisions yet and Nate had jumped the gun. I hadn’t told the guys I didn’t want to leave my nineteen-year-old girlfriend behind because that wasn’t the kind of thing you said to a group of professional athletes you’d just met, even though that was my only hesitation at this point.
I couldn’t say anything in front of everyone, though, so we said our goodbyes, Ellie got a couple of phone numbers from the ladies, and then we were in the car on the way to the airport. She was quiet and I reached for her hand.
“You’re mad at me.”
“When did you make the official decision to leave school?” she asked, not looking at me.
“I haven’t,” I protested. “I mean, I’m definitely starting to feel the pull, especially after meeting everyone today, but I haven’t decided anything.”
“Why would Nate say that if you hadn’t said something to let him believe you would?”
I sighed. “We talked about the pros and cons of me leaving school and there really aren’t any cons.”
“There aren’t any cons?” she demanded, turning to stare at me.
“Well, leaving you is a con, but it’s not like you can go with me! You’ve applied to Ph.D. programs all over the country but don’t know what you’re doing, so what am I supposed to do? Wait until you figure it out?”
“So leaving me didn’t even make it onto your list of cons?”
“It did!” I said in frustration. “I just didn’t tell the guys that.”
“Why not?” The hurt in her eyes was unmistakable.
“I don’t know. We were talking about degrees and whether or not there would be a spot for me after a few guys retire this year… It wasn’t about personal stuff.”
“I see that.” She turned to stare out the window.
“Come on, Ellie. Talk to me. You heard what Toli said and—”
“Yes. How we have all these decisions to make, and that would be excellent advice, except you already made yours. Admit it, you’re going to leave school and go to Vegas.”
“I… Maybe?” Shit, I didn’t want to lie to her but in my heart of hearts, she was right. I’d subconsciously made the decision the minute I’d walked into the locker room tonight. And asking her to go with me would be selfish as hell.
“Without giving a second thought to what I’m going to do.”
“You don’t know what you’re going to do and even if you did, it’s not in Vegas!”
“I guess we’ve already made the decision,” she said, looking at me intently.
“No, it’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like?”
“You have to make your decisions based on what you need. You’ve already had your mom and your advisors and everyone else pulling you in the opposite direction of where you want to go. I don’t need to add to that. I’ve been trying to do what’s best for you, not for me.”
“You were never going to ask me to go with you, were you?” Her eyes blazed with hurt and anger. “And you just let me find out from the guys on the team.”
“Ellie, no.” I was getting nowhere fast with this conversation and I didn’t know how to fix it. “If you’d just let me explain…”
“Explain what? Deep down, I’ve known all along. I didn’t want to believe it, because you kept saying you were going to stay, but I knew. It was right there and I let myself get attached anyway. First boyfriend, first lover, all that bullshit. But I’m a big girl. And honestly, I think the best thing for us to do is break up now and get it over with.”
26
Ellie
The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them and we’d just pulled up to the airport. The driver had opened the door for us and
I got out, walking straight into the building without waiting for Patrick. I didn’t want to cry, not in front of him and definitely not in a freakin’ airport, but my heart hurt as I walked away.
“Ellie!” He caught up to me in the security line and I sighed, wondering how the hell I was going to sit next to him the whole flight home and then in the car too.
“It’s fine,” I said quietly. “Let’s not do this here. Okay? Please?”
“Ellie, I don’t want to break up.” He’d taken my hand and was looking into my eyes. There was sincerity in his, but I was so hurt and confused and, more than anything else, afraid. Afraid I would give up everything to be with him and even more afraid that I wouldn’t.
“But that’s where we are,” I said after a moment. “You have to follow your dreams and I have to follow mine. Like you said, I can’t go to Vegas anyway.” That wasn’t entirely true because UNLV had a biotech program, but I hadn’t applied yet and now it didn’t matter.
We showed our ID’s to the TSA agent and then walked through the scanning machines. We didn’t talk as we made our way to our gate and I sank into the nearest chair, with him beside me. Neither of us had anything to say and the silence had become deafening. Had we been alone, I probably would have broken down, but I wasn’t going to make a scene in public.
“You said you don’t want to talk about it here,” he said as we boarded the plane. “But we’re going to talk about this when we get home.”
I nodded, even though I knew we wouldn’t. There simply wasn’t anything else to say.
By the time we’d landed, I was tired and sad, and didn’t resist when he reached for my hand in the car. I rested my head on his shoulder, memorizing his scent, everything that made Patrick the man he was. Fuck, I was going to miss him. This hurt so much more than I’d thought it would.
“Listen, you think we could just go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?” he asked as the driver dropped us off in front of the path that led to my dorm.
“I think you should…go home,” I said slowly. “To your place. My bed is too small for you anyway and we both need time to think.”
“Ellie, don’t do this.” He pulled me close. “Please don’t do this.”
“I didn’t,” I whispered. “We did it together and you know as well as I do that this was inevitable.”
“It wasn’t.”
“You weren’t going to ask me to go with you and it’s not like I could anyway. It’s been fun but it’s probably run its course.”
I waited for a few seconds but he didn’t deny it and that told me all I needed to know so I pulled away and moved toward the entrance.
“So, um, I’m gonna go to bed and you should too. I’ll, uh, see you around.”
“Ellie…” He reached for me again, but I moved out of his grasp because I’d lose my resolve the second he touched me. And I had to be strong because that was the only way to hang on to my sanity. Another few seconds and I’d let him talk me into almost anything.
“Ellie?”
I stopped when he called my name the second time, though I didn’t turn around.
“Let’s take a couple of days to think, okay? I don’t want to leave things like this.”
“All right.” There was nothing else to say so I put my key card into the reader, opened the door, and went inside without looking back.
The next day might have been the longest day of my life. I didn’t go to class, didn’t go to breakfast, didn’t even get out of bed. Patrick had texted me a couple of times but nothing had changed, so I didn’t respond. Harley had texted and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee and I made an excuse about being busy. Then I’d cried most of the day. I was hungry, though, so I’d waited until I knew for sure Patrick would be at practice and made my way to the dining hall.
I ran into Chastity on my way in and she immediately knew something was wrong.
“We broke up,” I told her as she followed me inside.
“Do I need to kill him?” she demanded.
I managed a wan smile. “No. I broke up with him.”
“What? Why?” She followed me as I got in line to get a burger. I didn’t feel that great but I needed something in my stomach.
I told her what had happened and she didn’t say anything until I was done.
“But if he said he didn’t want to break up, why did you do it?”
“Because what’s the point of dragging it out?” I demanded. “If we don’t break up now, we’ll break up in May.”
“Are you sure?” She met my eyes curiously.
“Am I sure what? I can’t go to Vegas with him, but even if I could, he didn’t ask me to go and that’s pretty telling.”
“But he said he didn’t ask because he knew you couldn’t.”
“I put him on the spot and he didn’t deny it or even say it in anger. You know, like, ‘So, do you want to go with me?!’ Something like that. He could have but didn’t.”
“It’s been two months. Guys take a little longer to come to terms with their feelings. Look how long it took Dylan…”
“Well, it doesn’t matter because we don’t have a future whether he loves me or not, whether he asked me to go or not.”
“I think it matters because your heart is broken.”
“It was bound to happen, right? I mean, no one marries their first love.”
“I plan to,” she said softly.
“You and Dylan are special. And he’s a relatively simple guy who doesn’t want to leave his family’s farm or the state he grew up in. Patrick is going to be a big hockey star very soon, and he probably won’t even think about me come September.”
“I think you’re telling yourself the things you want to hear so you feel better about what’s happened. The two of you had that connection you told me about and that doesn’t just go away.”
“Oh, what do I know about love connections?” I mumbled, grabbing my burger and walking over to a table. “For all I know, you have the same connection every time you want to sleep with someone. I guess I’ll find out as soon as I find someone else I want to sleep with.”
She cocked her head, smiling softly. “You know damn well you have zero desire to sleep with anyone else.”
I nodded. “I know. But all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward.”
“What can I do?” she asked. “You want to come over to the house and hang out?”
“I love you for offering, but I honestly just want to be alone. I might study for a little while, so I’m prepared for whatever happens next academically, and then I want to go to bed early. I cried all last night so I’m tired.”
“Okay. But I’ll sit with you while you eat.”
“Thank you. You’re a good friend.”
I didn’t sleep much the next couple of nights, and on Thursday morning, I felt like hell. I rarely got sick but I felt something coming on and took an extra dose of vitamin C. It was probably just the residual effect of my broken heart but regardless of the cause, I didn’t feel good. I made it through my first class but I was starting to get cramps and they felt weird. I went to the bathroom and was surprised to find I was bleeding. Since getting the IUD, my periods were light and barely lasted two days, so this was not only unexpected, it wasn’t the right time of month either.
My panties and sweats were a mess so I made my way back to my room to change and find a pad. By the time I got there, the toilet paper I’d stuffed in my underwear was soaked and I realized I didn’t even have any pads, just tampons.
Crap. I got undressed and took a shower since I needed to clean up, and then used a tampon to help curtail any other surprises. They sold pads at the bookstore, which was more like a campus general store, so I’d stop by there and grab some on my way to class.
I sat on the bed to rest for a minute and decided to take a nap instead. I genuinely felt like crap and didn’t have time to be sick. I sent my professor a quick text, as well as the guy I tutored on Thursdays, and then lay back, clos
ing my eyes. Maybe a good nap would help and I’d be able to catch up on some sleep as well as homework tonight.
A sharp, stabbing pain in my abdomen woke me up with a jerk, and I gasped. What the hell was going on? If this was a stomach flu, on top of an unusually heavy period, this was going to suck. I stumbled into the bathroom to look for some Motrin and barely made it back to bed. I was practically doubled over with pain and didn’t know what to do. Hoping the Motrin would kick in, I grabbed my phone to distract myself.
The first thing I saw on Instagram was a picture of Patrick, Paxton and Tate standing in front of the bus used to transport them to games. They were on their way to a weekend of games that signified the beginning of the NCAA championships. They normally didn’t leave on a Thursday but the championships afforded them some leeway in their classes.
Seeing Patrick’s face brought tears to my eyes and I stared at the picture for a few minutes before closing out the app. I missed him a little more every day, so getting sick on top of a broken heart seemed spectacularly unfair. I was lost without him, finding it hard to care about anything. I’d finally stopped crying but my heart hurt so much, it was sometimes hard to breathe. I made up a dozen different scenarios where I might run into him but there didn’t seem to be a point in it.
He didn’t love me and hadn’t even suggested trying out a long-distance relationship for a while, and that spoke volumes about his feelings for me. Or lack thereof. It was as simple as that.
I dozed off again when the pain started to abate, but by midnight it was back and worse than ever. I was also bleeding heavier than before and now I was scared. I’d never experienced anything like this and didn’t know what to do. Finally, I dialed Chastity’s number.
“Hey…” She sounded sleepy.
“Chas, something’s wrong,” I whispered.
“Wrong how? Are you okay?”
“I’ve been bleeding and cramping all day, like really bad, and now I’m scared.”
