by Kat Mizera
“Bleeding and cramping? Ellie, is it possible you’re pregnant? Or miscarrying?”
Her words hit me like a physical blow and I couldn’t breathe as I tried to wrap my head around the idea of being pregnant. We’d been so careful. How could this have happened?
All those condoms breaking.
I’d forgotten to call my ob-gyn.
“Ellie, I’m getting dressed and we’re coming over, okay? Hang on, I’m on my way.”
I managed to get up and unlock the door when Chastity and Dylan arrived, but I was in so much pain I couldn’t see straight. I’d already bled through another outfit and the whole box of tampons, so I grabbed a hand towel instead, stuffing it between my legs as I changed into yet another clean pair of sweats.
“I think we should go to the E.R.,” Chastity said when I’d curled back into the fetal position on my bed. “This isn’t normal.”
I wanted to say no, but I was in so much pain and if I was having a miscarriage, I was going to need medical care anyway. I longed for Patrick more than ever, but not only were we fighting and essentially broken up, he was out of town on a road trip. There was nothing he could do and worrying him served no purpose.
“You get her things,” Dylan told Chastity. “I’ll carry her down to my truck.”
“No. I can walk…” I started to get up but the pain had me doubled over again and Dylan scooped me up in his strong arms. Chastity joked about his arms being one of her favorite things about him, and now I knew why, but I was in too much pain to even giggle about it.
The emergency room was empty and they took me back right away. Chastity stayed with me while we answered a million questions and filled out a bunch of forms. She’d had the presence of mind to get my purse with my ID and insurance card, along with my backpack, containing my laptop and chargers. I’d never been more grateful for her friendship than now, but I was having a hard time focusing on anything but the pain.
“Hi, Elizabeth.” A smiling doctor came in. “I’m Dr. Marsh. I see you’re having a bad night, huh?”
“It’s Ellie,” I whispered.
“Well, Ellie, we’re going to give you something to take the edge off the pain while we wait for test results.”
“Am I having a miscarriage?” I asked, meeting his eyes.
“I’m not sure,” he replied gently. “Is that a possibility?”
“I have an IUD and we always used condoms too, so I wouldn’t have thought so, but what else could this be?”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” He patted my shoulder. “Try to rest and we’ll figure this out.”
Whatever they gave me for pain helped me doze off for a little while, but the next thing I knew, Dr. Marsh was waking me up.
“Ellie?”
I focused bleary eyes on him, blinking awake.
“What is it?”
“It looks like you’re about five weeks pregnant. We’re going to do a few more tests, but I suspect it’s ectopic.”
27
Ellie
“Ectopic…” It took a few seconds for his words to sink in. “Oh my god.”
“Once we verify, we’re going to have to remove it, Ellie. I suspect either the fallopian tube has burst or it’s about to. Either way, it’s not a viable pregnancy and your life could be in danger once the tube bursts.”
I swallowed. “I need surgery?”
“Let me do a few more tests and we’ll talk again, okay? I know it’s scary, but don’t worry—we’re going to take good care of you.”
“Should I call my parents?”
He hesitated but then nodded. “If you’d like them here with you, then yes. But I don’t want to wait too long. The amount of bleeding suggests the tube is bursting or already has, and we want to stop that as quickly as possible.”
A million things shot through my mind, but I fumbled for my phone to text my mom, operating on autopilot. None of this made sense.
We’d been so damn careful.
An IUD and condoms.
What more could anyone possibly do beyond abstaining, which was unnecessary in my opinion. I thought about calling Patrick but again, there was no point in worrying him. I was going to lose this baby whether he knew about it now or not, so why potentially ruin the games this weekend? I had Chastity, and my parents were on the way.
Not that their presence would change anything.
A baby.
We’d made a baby.
Patrick and I had created a life together.
And in a little while it would be gone. Before I even had a chance to get used to the idea. Not that I wanted a baby any time soon, but there was one. For a few more minutes, I had a child growing inside of me. And it was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to me.
I longed for Patrick so badly and couldn’t reach out to him. I closed my eyes and swallowed a silent sob, my heart breaking all over again.
Everything happened in kind of a whirlwind after that. The surgeon had come to talk to me and then I was whisked off to surgery. I vaguely remembered waking up and seeing my parents, but then I’d gone back to sleep and now it was morning. I blinked at the bright sunlight streaming through the windows.
“Good morning.” Mom’s voice was soft and soothing and I looked up gratefully.
“Good morning,” I croaked.
“Water?” she asked.
I nodded and she held a straw up to my mouth. I took a few sips and cleared my throat. “Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I got run over by a truck.”
She smiled. “It’s normal. The doctor said everything is going to be fine. Apparently, your IUD had slipped out of place.” She paused. “The doctor mentioned broken condoms, and although it’s pretty rare, when the IUD dropped down, the strings may have been causing that.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. I should have called my ob-gyn, but it hadn’t seemed like a priority at the time.
“Does he know? Er, Patrick?”
“No.” I shook my head. “He’s away on a trip with the team. There’s nothing he can do so what’s the point of worrying him?”
“It’s part of being in a relationship,” she said gently. “You share the good times and the bad.”
“We broke up a few days ago,” I whispered. “So we’re not in a relationship anymore.”
“Because of the pregnancy?” she demanded, her eyes narrowing.
“No. Neither of us had any idea about that. He’s leaving to go play professional hockey in Las Vegas and I’m stuck here, so there was no point in delaying the inevitable. I broke up with him.”
She frowned. “So a preemptive strike? Why would you sabotage your relationship like that, Ellie?”
“I thought you didn’t want me in a relationship at all?” I countered.
“I don’t, but that’s not what I asked. You wanted the relationship. And then you ended it.”
“Maybe I’m not ready for…all of this.” I made a mildly wild motion with my hands. “So far, adulting sucks.”
She put a gentle hand on my cheek. “Yes, sometimes it does. But this, what happened to you with the IUD, is very rare. I’m so sorry it happened, but we’re going to have a long talk with your OB-GYN once you’re feeling better. I’ve used an IUD since you were born and never had a problem. And I’m proud of you for using condoms in addition to the IUD.”
“I’m not a moron, Mom. When we started dating, we didn’t know each other very well so that was a no-brainer.”
“Well, you should rest. I’m going to text your father that you’re awake and see if he’ll bring us breakfast. It’s almost eleven so you slept through the hospital’s delivery.”
“Okay.”
I was kind of shocked at my mother’s casual attitude, especially about my sexual relationship with Patrick, because she tended to get cranky about things like this. I wanted to ask what was up, but I liked having her this way, where she was actually my mom instead of my professional mentor
. I had plenty of those at school so I didn’t need it from my mother too.
I slept on and off all day and the doctors let me go home to Brattleboro the following morning. Chastity had brought me some clothes because most of my winter wardrobe was in my dorm, and I settled into my old room. It was kind of strange being home, but it was comforting during a time when I desperately needed it. The posters on my walls, the comforter on my bed, even my old desk helped me feel secure again. My life had spiraled out of control the last couple of weeks, between my academic worries, the breakup with Patrick, and of course, my short-lived pregnancy and surgery.
It had never crossed my mind that those broken condoms might lead to a baby. I’d been so secure in the knowledge I had an IUD, it hadn’t occurred to me something could happen to make it move out of place. Though I had zero interest in sex at this point, when the time came, I was going to look into a birth control implant. Harley had one and hadn’t had any issues, so I was definitely done with IUDs.
For the first time in a long time, I felt vulnerable. I was tired and sad and unsure what to do next. Studying was usually my escape from everything, but that had lost its luster now since I didn’t want to major in computer science. I still loved everything about technology, but my academic future was on hold. Finishing the semester was kind of a waste since I wasn’t going forward with computer science, but the idea of starting over in biology or biotechnology was daunting, and frankly, after everything I’d been through lately, I didn’t care that much.
I was seriously considering the whole “bartending in Tahiti” scenario, but a quick internet search told me the drinking age was twenty-one, so that plan was a bust already. Which meant absolutely nothing in my life was going right. It was so disheartening, I stayed in bed for four days, only getting up to eat, use the bathroom, and shower on Monday since I felt gross. Mostly, I stared at the ceiling, feeling sorry for myself.
On Wednesday morning, I finally wandered downstairs and sat in the family room, staring out the window instead of at the ceiling of my room. I was depressed and had zero motivation. I didn’t feel terrible physically, just sore and tired, so I figured I could go back to school soon even though my parents wanted me to stay home.
I’d debated texting Patrick a dozen times but had decided against it. I’d eventually tell him what had happened, but I wasn’t up to a conversation like that right now. I was raw, both physically and emotionally, and nothing felt right. Not even being home. I wanted to get away as much as I wanted to stay, which made no sense. Intellectually, I understood the subconscious need to run away from myself, but since that wasn’t possible, I had to deal with these disparate emotions and conflicting situations.
“Ellie?” Mom sat on the other side of the couch, looking at me intently. “Are you okay?”
“Just contemplating the meaning of life.”
“As someone speaking from experience, I promise that never ends well.”
“I’m beginning to see that.”
“Do you want to talk?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Honey, I know you’ve had a rough week, but it’s going to get better. I promise.”
“You don’t understand.”
“So tell me.”
“You don’t want to hear it.”
“Maybe not, but I’m trying to be better. I was never so scared as I was when we got to the hospital and found out you were already in surgery. The idea of losing you, Ellie…” She shuddered. “You and I have butted heads since you were a baby, but I hope you know how much I love you.”
“I do.”
“You can talk to me. Really. Tell me what’s going on.”
“You mean beyond recovering from surgery, breaking up with the love of my life, and losing a baby I hadn’t even known I was pregnant with? Not to mention no longer having a direction in school.”
“Are you leaving the program you’re in?”
I gave her a wry smile. “I have to. While technology is still my thing, sitting and coding all day isn’t. I need the science part of it too. And now I’m almost two years into a program I don’t want to continue with.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but the reason I’ve been pushing you toward medical school is because I truly believe it’s your calling. You’re going to do something magical in the future, Ellie, but it’s hard to see that far ahead at your age. And you’re probably right, that I’ve babied and micromanaged your life a little too much, so I’m trying to back off a little.”
“This is backing off a little?” I asked, giving her a sad smile.
“I want you to be happy and you’re obviously not, so what can it hurt to apply to Harvard? That way, you’ll have a backup plan in case whatever else you’re considering falls through. It’s not written in stone until you accept, so what’s the harm?”
I sighed. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her, and if nothing else, she was right about having a backup plan. It couldn’t hurt to apply and talk to someone over there, especially since I had absolutely nothing else going for me right now.
“I’ll look into it after my nap,” I said, getting to my feet. “But I’m going to go lie down now.”
She reached for my hand. “It’s going to be okay, Ellie. You’ll see.”
“How long did you grieve the baby you lost?” I asked quietly.
She hesitated. “A long time. But that was different. I knew I was pregnant. I wanted the baby. I was in love with my husband, even though it turned out he didn’t love me, so it took me about a year to see the light in the world again. And honestly, it was meeting your father that finally helped me heal.”
“Do you think it would help if I talked to Patrick about what happened?”
“I think you have to whether it helps or not.”
Too bad that was the last thing I wanted to do.
28
Patrick
Going on a three-day road trip in the aftermath of my breakup with Ellie had been hell. I didn’t play well, I couldn’t focus, and I was fucking miserable. I hadn’t told anyone we’d broken up, not even my brother, while I worked on sorting out my feelings and figuring out how things had gone so wrong. I hadn’t handled it well, but in retrospect, she’d caught me off guard. The last thing I’d been expecting was for her to suggest breaking up, and in the moment, I’d been both hurt and angry.
I’d shown her how I felt about her a thousand different ways, but she apparently had zero faith in me. Zero faith in us. And I didn’t understand it. Yes, me going to Vegas this summer wasn’t going to be easy, but she hadn’t even wanted to discuss it. I’d been trying to put Ellie’s needs before my own, letting her figure out where and what she wanted to study without me pushing her in any direction. Her mother did enough of that so I didn’t want to add any more stress to her life.
Instead of recognizing how much I was willing to sacrifice for her, she’d gotten mad and made it sound like I didn’t care about her. To be fair, I hadn’t said or done anything to dispel those notions, and now we’d been apart for over a week. I’d tried texting and calling, but she hadn’t responded, and I’d been stalking all of her classes the last few days in an attempt to find her. I’d just about given up when I saw her friend Harley walking out of the dining hall.
I grabbed my backpack and chased after her. “Harley! Harley, wait up.”
She turned in confusion, her eyes narrowing when she saw me.
“Hey, do you know where Ellie is?”
She didn’t say anything for a minute, watching me with a dour look on her face.
“Look, I know she’s mad at me, but I’ve been trying to apologize, maybe make things right, and I can’t do that if she doesn’t pick up the phone. She hasn’t been in class either, so I’m getting worried.”
“You really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“She had a…medical emergency. I don’t know the details but she’s been up in Brattleboro recovering.”
�
�A medical emergency?!” I stared at her. “Fuck. Is she okay?”
“I think so? She hasn’t said much to me either, but I think she’s coming back to campus tomorrow.”
Of course. Tomorrow was Friday and Fridays were game days, when I had very little free time, and it would be hard for me to catch her.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. “And if you talk to her, tell her to call me back, please.”
She shrugged. “I think she’s done with you, but I’ll pass the message on.”
Double fuck.
I was freaking out, wondering what was going on. Her friend Chastity would know, but I didn’t know her class schedule or where she lived, so that was out. Dammit. I was really worried and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Why didn’t we know more of each other’s friends? If I ever got another chance with her, we’d have to fix that immediately.
In the meantime, I was left trying to wrap my head around what to do next. I understood that she’d probably been hurt when Nate had blurted out that I’d changed my mind about staying in school, but she hadn’t even given me a chance to explain, which hurt me. I’d been planning to sit down and talk it all out with her, going over the pros and cons together, in the hopes that we could find a solution, a way to be together. I’d known it was more likely that it wouldn’t work out, but I hadn’t wanted it to go down that way.
The unfortunate truth was that in that moment, when she’d unexpectedly dumped me, I hadn’t known what I wanted. I liked her. A lot. I was starting to have feelings I wasn’t comfortable with and I was about to set off on the professional adventure of a lifetime. How could I do that with my nineteen-year-old girlfriend in tow? I didn’t have any answers then, and while I still didn’t have any now, the one thing that was different was that I missed her. More than I’d thought I would. Not just the sex or her sweet laugh or the fun we had together, but my life was empty without her. Even hockey didn’t give me the rush it usually did, which was going to be a problem if I was going to Vegas next season.
