by Ashley Hall
"Allie, come on now. I—"
"I know you dated other women before me, no big deal, but how many of them knew and accepted what you do?"
His eyes were thick with the haze of alcohol, but he wasn't drunk. He never got that far. Since the last guy I dated had been an alcoholic, I appreciated that Shadow knew his limit. But seriously? Killing for money? It didn't matter that he didn't do it now. That was insane!
"None of them knew. I never told them." His voice was clear and didn't slur at all.
I drained the rest of my almost full, drink. I, on the other hand, was drunk. "Did you think they wouldn't want to be with you if they knew?"
"I knew they wouldn't understand. I thought you might."
"Really? Who is going to understand that? You want me to just think it's all good that you don't kill for cash anymore, that targeting only pedophiles is so much better. Come on now. Don't be naïve, Shadow."
His eyes darkened. "I'm a lot of things, Allie, but naïve isn't one of them."
"Then is it just stupidity?" I snapped. We'd fought before, but never like this. We were like a fire, burning hot, fast, and fierce but extinguishing just as quickly. We'd always fall back into bed and mend our differences horizontally. Or vertically. Or whichever way. This time, though, felt different. I just didn't see how common ground could be reached. It would've been better if I had never known. Ignorance was bliss, wasn't that the saying? "Why did you have to tell me?"
"Forgive me for thinking you might be strong enough to handle it." He glowered at me.
"Oh, so now it's my fault. Not strong enough. Give me a break." I climbed off the barstool.
He grabbed my arm. "Where do you think you're going?"
I jerked myself free. "Don't touch me."
"Allie…"
"Shadow, I need space."
"Space? Where are you going to go?"
He was mocking me? What the hell! "I—"
"You don't have a job. You—"
"I have money saved up. And just because I'm not currently employed doesn't mean I can't get another job. Or do you think I'm not strong enough to get another job either?" If only I could shoot lasers out of my eyes. He was being such an ass!
"I suppose you'll go running back to sissy."
"Don't talk to me about Marie," I warned him.
"Oh, I know she talks shit about me all the time. She doesn't even know me."
"Imagine what she would think about you if she did," I said coldly.
"Allie, come on. Sit down. Do you want another drink? Just stay here. You can take the bed, and I'll sleep—"
"Shadow, just stop." We never interrupted each other so much before. Neither of us was respecting the other enough to just listen, and we were almost talking at each other instead of to each other. I just didn't really care about what he had to say. "What else have you been hiding from me?"
His eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. I waited for him to deny it, to claim there was nothing else, but silence descended.
"What else is there?" I ground out. Every second that passed sobered me up a little.
"Nothing." But he wouldn't look at me. Shadow never talked to me without facing me. Never.
"Sure. I'm outta here. Don't bother calling me. First thing I'm gonna do is change my number. Don't bother looking for me. Not unless you want a door slammed in your face. Don't bother even thinking about me. Got it?"
He swallowed and shoved one of his hands into his pockets. "Allie, please. Don't do this."
"It's already done." I started to walk away.
Shadow grabbed me, whirled me around, and kissed me. It was so full of yearning and desperation I wanted to cry.
But he would not sway me with his sexual charms. My mind was made up.
"Thanks for the goodbye kiss." I turned around and left. At the door, I hesitated. I looked back to see Shadow standing there, hands back in his pocket, rooted in the spot. For how angry he'd been during our argument, I expected him to look pissed.
He didn't. If anything, he looked lost.
***
I shook my head and returned to the present, which was just as shitty as my trip down memory lane. My memory was coming back, at least a little bit, and God! I wished I was still in the dark. That—learning about his previous job—was the reason why I had left Shadow the first time. And, damn, it was reason enough to leave him again. Even if he had stopped being a contract killer, he was still a killer and the chances of him ever changing were looking bleaker by the second.
All of the pain and anger I had felt toward him came rushing back, and I was trembling. I just wanted to scream at Shadow, to rip into him, to leave him and never look behind me ever again.
I was devastated, broken, and betrayed. Shadow was a killer. For real. There wasn't any way to excuse what he'd done. Killing for money was just wrong. Even killing pedophiles was wrong. The time for excuses was long gone. Wrong was wrong, plain and simple, and I had been the naïve one to ever think differently.
Shadow was not the right man for me. Not for Allie. Not for Sky. Not today. Not ever. Never again.
We were done.
Chapter Nineteen
Shadow
Hours had passed since I'd left the clubhouse, not even bothering to eat breakfast first. I grabbed a protein bar and ate it at a red light. I drove around so much, I had to actually stop and fill up my bike. Considering how considerable the miles per gallon were, that was saying something.
But for all the miles, time, and questions asked, I failed to track down the asshole I was after. I was hot, sweaty, and frustrated as I drove back to the clubhouse. No solid leads. Not a fucking one. Not even a ghost of one.
Nothing could make me angrier at this moment. I just wanted to shoot something or ride off and never come home. My hands were shaking as I turned onto my street. Twice, I had almost slammed into the back of a car. Right now, I wasn't safe to be on the road. Hell, I probably wasn't safe to be around period.
I almost hit the curb as I parked. I slammed the door open and stormed inside. Most of the guys were in the front room, but I didn't want to see them. I needed Sky. Needed her naked. Needed to be inside of her. Something had to start going right for me, and there was no one else I wanted to turn to, ever.
She wasn't in the kitchen or the dining room. Maybe she was upstairs in my room. On my bed. Legs spread. Playing with herself. Wet and waiting for me. The erotic images flashing through my mind was enough to have my cock get hard instantly.
But then I saw her. And she was sitting next to my father in the bar.
I just stood there, in the doorway, watching her when I noticed the horror on her face that quickly turned into rage. Only one time before, had I seen that expression on her face.
She knew. Fuck it all. Could my father do anything else to completely fuck up my life? That rat bastard!
Before I could do anything, even think about how to handle this, she glanced over and stared right at me. She jumped to her feet and stomped over to me. "What the hell, Shadow?"
Really? Nothing we had shared since she had come back into my life as Sky, her second life, our second chance, mattered? It was going to be the same fucking thing all over again, I just knew it. I really didn't need this right now. I couldn't have my life fall apart again. Maybe it wasn't fair for me to hang up so much of my life on this one woman, but I loved her, loved her as much as I could. My life was a shithole before her, and it was a shithole without her. With her, though, my life almost felt as if it had meaning.
"What the hell, Sky?" I mocked. Probably not a good idea to poke the angry bear with a stick, but I wasn't exactly thinking the clearest, still bent over the complete lack of leads on the pedo and now being thrown back into hell again.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me the truth." Sky narrowed her eyes, lips pursed, hands on hips.
"I never lied to you." I crossed my arms and stared down at her. Damn, that shirt was tighter on her than I thought it would be. Fuck, I could not risk be
ing turned on right now. Focusing on my anger and frustration was enough to get my cock to calm down.
"You kept me in the dark!" she shouted, her voice cracking. There was pain in her eyes and I hated seeing it there, knowing I was the source of it.
My father remained seated at the bar, silent, which was for the best because while I wouldn't hit Sky, I had no problems pulling back and punching him. But her yelling and my raised voice were causing some of the guys to come investigate the cause of the noise. An audience. For our fight. Wonderful. Why couldn't we just go back to how it used to be when we were happy. We could even resume some of the traditions we'd had back when she had been Allie. Our Tuesday nights together. Mondays we had always gone out for dinner. Friday nights we go clubbing. What a fucking incredible dancer she'd been. One time, we even had sex in the corner. We had gotten so turned on by our gyrating we couldn't wait to go home to finish. Although we had gone for round two and three once we did get back to my bedroom…
I shook my head to clear away the memory and refocus on the present, as hellish as it was.
"No one shares everything," I said, but even I knew this angle wouldn't help. "Secrets—"
"Are poison. Secrets ruin things. Secrets do not lead to trust, and without trust, there can't be a relationship." She shook a finger at me. Hell, even pissed off, she looked beautiful. Her eyes were shining, and that saucy tilt of her head…
I couldn't lose her. But I hadn't known how to keep her before and I hadn't figured I would ever tell her about this part of my life again, so I hadn't bothered to think of how to keep her now.
Why had I told her in the first place? If she hadn't left me, she never would've been walking on that road. She never would've been hit. She never would've lost her memory. She'd still be Allie; She'd still be mine.
But I had told her. That night had replayed in my mind so many times…
***
I threw back my drink, enjoying the burn of the alcohol. Allie looked particularly fine tonight. A tight little black dress hardly covered her breasts and her ass, and I just wanted to rip it off of her. But not yet. We had time. The night was young.
I patted my pocket and grinned.
"You need another one already?" Allie asked. She shook her head. "Don't drink too much too fast."
"You worried about me?"
"Never." She laughed. "I know you know how to take care of yourself."
"Yes, I do." I eyed her up and down. "And I know how to take care of you."
"Yes." She grinned wickedly, but she didn't seem to grasp that my tone had turned serious.
It was now or never. I could just ask her the question I was dying to ask, or I could tell her about my past and make sure she was the girl for me. I wanted that reassurance, that she loved me unconditionally, that she would always stay by my side. So many people had disappointed me over the years. Sure, I had my boys, but I needed a woman to understand me, to see past the darkness inside of me, to accept me for who I was despite what the past had molded me into.
Allie was the woman for me. She would prove it.
I poured myself another drink and downed half of it. We talked a little more about nothing really important then finally, I couldn't take it anymore. After taking a deep breath, I cleared my throat. "Allie…"
"Yeah?"
"You know I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, right?"
"We've all made mistakes." She brushed her hair back.
Maybe this was the wrong approach. Damn, my head was a little cloudy from the alcohol. "What was your first job?"
"A dishwasher for a restaurant." She wrinkled her nose, and I leaned over to kiss it. Allie giggled and pushed me away. "I hated it. What was yours?"
"I had a few that only lasted for a week or so. Didn't see the point in any of them, not when I didn't get to keep the pay."
"Didn't get to keep the pay? Who took it from you?"
"My foster father." I gripped my glass so tightly, I was afraid it would break. "The first job that I stuck with…"
Silence fell, and she frowned. "What was it?"
"I…"
Should I tell her or not? Did I trust her? Did I believe in us enough to confide in her? My birth father's reaction, when I'd told him, had been painful. I'd wanted to push him away, to make sure he wouldn't want to get to know me. He didn't stay away though. He still wanted to be a part of my life. Allie would be the same. I knew she would be.
I finished my drink. "I was a contract killer. Before I started my missions. I don't kill for money anymore. Just pedos. I swear."
I was rambling, and she'd gone rigid. Her eyes were wide, her jaw lowered, and she didn't say a word.
"It was in the past," I said, but I knew by then that I had been wrong. She didn't love me unconditionally. Maybe she wasn't the woman for me after all.
No, that wasn't true. She was right for me. I knew that. She knew that. We belonged together.
We weren't finished yet.
But the conversation never turned back around, and she left. She actually fucking left me. Went upstairs, packed up, and left within a half hour.
And I remained in the bar, hand in my pocket, holding onto the jewelry box that held the diamond ring I'd bought to propose to her with tonight.
***
I was fucked up after she'd left me. I threw myself into my missions because I felt like I had nothing else. I'd been bitter, angry, and withdrawn. I should've kept my past to myself. I should've known better. My scars were more than I could handle. How could I have expected someone else to be able to handle them any more than I could?
I felt some of that anger now, the strong emotion coursing through my body, and even though I tried to repress it, I said, "You don't want there to be any secrets between us. How convenient for you." I winced at the harshness of my tone.
"Convenient?" she huffed. Shit! Man, was I glad looks couldn't kill because I'd be dead twenty times over already.
"Yeah." I glanced around. At least my boys were giving us some space, but they were still lingering, listening. One word and they would scatter, but I was more concerned with Sky right now. I leaned closer to her and lowered my voice. "Because you don't remember your past. You're not entirely innocent."
Her eyes widened and she took a step back. "What… What is that supposed to mean?"
I felt like an ass for bringing this up. I mean, the things she'd done were nothing compared to what I'd done, what I continued to do... "You were never involved in the missions, but you purposely overcharged a few customers when you waitressed. You stole too. You aren't blameless."
She shook her head, hair flying everywhere. "Even if I did do that, that's not the same thing. It's not even close."
Doomed. Maybe we were doomed. So much for a second chance at a relationship. More like a second chance for happiness to blow up in my face. "Killing —"
"That's not all you kill!" She shoved her hands onto my chest, slapping me. It stung, both physically and emotionally. "I know why I left you. And I was right to leave."
A strange feeling settled in my chest, and it took me a moment to realize what it was—fear. I didn't want to lose her again, but I had no idea how to fix this. "You remember why you left? Did your memory come back?"
She glowered at me. "Don't try to change the subject."
"Sky, that's huge! I'm so happy—"
"Stop. Just stop." She held up her hand.
I wanted to take her into my arms, to hold her, to reassure her that she had made the right decision by coming back to me, but I didn't. Words wouldn't sway her. Actions might, but could I give her my word I'd never go after another pedo again and actually follow through with it? The guy I'd tried to track down earlier had hurt so many kids. He had to be hunted and killed. Jail wasn't enough. No. I couldn't make that promise, and she knew it.
"Despite Marie's warning," she said, her voice trembling, "I wanted to give you a chance, but you've only proven to me that I made the right decision when I left you the fir
st time." She stood before me, as beautiful as ever, but she looked more like a stranger than the woman I loved.
Fuck. I had lost her once, and now it seemed that I was losing her again.
Chapter Twenty
Shadow
I couldn't lose her again. I just couldn't. How could she be my salvation if she was so fixated on my past? Yeah, I had made mistakes, and some of my choices even now weren't always the best, but I was trying, damn it. Couldn't she see that? Life had dealt me a shitty hand, and I was trying to cope the only way I knew how.
