‘You must be wanting to get back for Sam.’ Mike spoke to Ethan. ‘The others are going now. Why don’t you go with them? I’ll see to the fire in the cave.’
‘Sam’s with my parents. I doubt they’ll appreciate my turning up in the middle of the night just to stare at him while he sleeps. I’ll take care of the fire. I’ve got to go and pack my medical things up.’ Ethan was pulling his coat back on, Fred having been persuaded to give it up.
Mike grinned. ‘In that case, I might go home and stare at my kids. Do you know the way back? If you get lost, I’m not coming out again tonight.’
Ethan chuckled. ‘I know the way. My memory’s not that bad.’
He glanced at Kate. A silent question, the answer to which needed no thought at all. They were a team. They stayed together.
‘Sounds good. Mike, I’ll go with Ethan.’
‘All right. If you’re sure.’
She was sure. Leaving him now was unthinkable. She watched as Mike and the other volunteers disappeared into the darkness and then walked back to the cave, where Ethan was repacking his rucksack.
Kate stuffed the unused blanket back into her own rucksack. Suddenly, after feeling that there was so much that she had to say to him, she couldn’t think of a single word to say it with.
‘Hey...’ He sat down, poking the fire with a stick, and it flared suddenly. ‘Bit of a waste of a good fire.’
Kate laughed, sitting down next to him. She was not quite touching him, but somehow it felt as if she were. ‘Fred made a good job of it.’
‘Yes, he did. If he built it.’
‘I don’t imagine Edie did.’
‘No, I don’t imagine she did either. When I was a teenager, it was considered good form to collect up a few sticks and build a new fire when you left. Then, when you came back, someone else’s fire would be there and you just lit it.’
‘Ah. So there’s no need to search around for something to burn while your girlfriend’s sitting on a rock and shivering.’ Kate grinned at him.
‘That might be a consideration.’ He stretched, holding his hands out to the warmth of the blaze. ‘So. You’re going to say yes, are you?’
He was teasing her, that was obvious. And if Kate denied it then it would only appear that she was protesting too much.
‘I might. As Fred says, a doctor’s a very good catch.’
Ethan chuckled. ‘Long hours? Evenings on your own?’
‘Never out of a job. Good pay scales.’ Kate grinned up at him. ‘I think Fred had an eye on the practical.’
‘Having the time to be with someone is practical.’
There was a sudden catch in his voice. Ethan leaned forward, poking the fire with a stick so that it burned brightly, suddenly lost in his own thoughts, which seemed to be dancing among the flames.
‘You seem very sure of that.’
He turned down the corners of his mouth. ‘I am. I was working pretty hard when Jenna died. We’d just bought the house and she’d given up work when Sam was born. I wasn’t around very much.’
Kate could see why that would matter to him, but it was something that a lot of people did. Buying houses, having kids. It all cost money. She wondered whether that was really the right thing to say to Ethan, and decided that this was one of those situations where there was no right thing to say. You just had to do your best.
‘You were providing for your family.’
‘Yeah, that’s how we both looked at it. Jenna had been under the weather for a few days with a urinary infection. I’d given her a prescription for some antibiotics, and she said she was feeling better, so I went to work. I worked late that evening, and spent the night at the hospital. I called her and she said that she was okay.’
I’m okay. The very thing that she had said to Ethan. No wonder he’d refused to take her word for it, and had kept nagging away at her until she was honest with him. Kate swallowed hard. ‘But she wasn’t.’
‘No. The infection spread to her kidney and she was sick...couldn’t keep the antibiotics down. Then it got into her bloodstream and she developed sepsis. I got the call the following afternoon. My mother had gone over there to help her out with Sam and had called an ambulance.’
‘But it was too late.’ Kate knew that sepsis could kill quickly. The body’s reaction to infection, it caused the vital organs to shut down, and once that happened it was difficult to reverse.
‘Yes. She died two days later.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ethan.’
He shook his head, staring into the fire. ‘I’ve learned to live with it. But you see, a doctor who isn’t around when his family needs him isn’t as good a catch as Fred thinks.’
He blamed himself. ‘But you can’t think...’
‘I don’t think, I know. I wasn’t there.’
‘But...’ This was crazy. No one could be there for someone all the time. And if Ethan was responsible, then so was his wife. Kate pressed her lips together. Maybe she shouldn’t say that.
‘But what?’
‘I just think you can’t be there for someone twenty-four hours a day. I tried to lock myself away from harm once, and it didn’t work.’
‘That’s what you think—that it’s like trying to lock them away from harm?’
Maybe she’d said too much. But Kate believed it, and she couldn’t take it back now. ‘Yes, it is.’
‘Yeah, it’s what I think too.’ There was a note of resignation in his voice.
‘But you don’t feel it?’
‘No, I don’t.’
And no one could help him with that. Kate supposed that she wasn’t the first person who’d told him that his wife’s death wasn’t his fault, and she probably wouldn’t be the last. He’d grieved, and learned to move forward with his life. But he just couldn’t get rid of the guilt.
‘I really wish I had chocolate.’ Kate puffed out a breath and heard Ethan chuckle quietly.
‘What, you came out without chocolate? That was very remiss of you. Think you’ll make it back?’
‘Not for me, for you. It’s a coping mechanism.’
‘My coping mechanisms are just fine. But thank you for your concern.’
* * *
Kate shot him a look of disbelief but said nothing. Ethan had thought his coping mechanisms were working perfectly until he’d met Kate. He’d accepted that he was responsible for what had happened to Jenna and that what he needed to do from now on was to concentrate on taking care of Sam. That would be very easy if you removed Kate from the mix.
But he couldn’t wish her away. He wouldn’t do that, even if he knew that he was quite capable of failing her. He could call it selfish, or he could call it listening to what Kate had said and believing her.
Here, with Kate sitting so close, believing her seemed like a possibility. When he turned to look at her she was gazing at him, wide-eyed, hair the colour of the flames in front of them and just as unruly.
He stretched out his arm, putting it around her shoulders, and Kate nestled closer. They sat for a long time, watching the fire together, and then finally Ethan reached up, his fingers brushing her cheek.
If he took it slow, then she’d have the chance to stop him at any time. But then Kate pre-empted that by stretching up and planting a kiss on the side of his mouth.
So soft, so very sweet, yet with all the promise of something that might break the both of them if they gave in to it. Ethan wasn’t someone who usually courted danger, but now the risk heightened the pleasure.
His hand moved to the back of her head and he did what he’d been wanting to do for a long time. He kissed her properly.
* * *
As soon as her lips touched his, Kate knew that this was a risk. But, despite all that, she wanted him to kiss her more than she wanted to breathe.
When he did, it was a wild voyage, disc
overing a forgotten pleasure. Finding that she’d been wrong when she’d thought that one kiss couldn’t possibly send shimmers racing through her body, making her fingers tremble and her toes curl. It was breathless, heart-pounding, joy.
‘I’ve been thinking about doing that for a while.’ He whispered the words close to her ear, although even if he’d screamed them no one would have heard. Kate bunched the front of his jacket tight in her fingers.
‘Tell me you’re not planning on making me wait so long for the next one...’
His lips grazed her cheek, sending shivers through her. Maybe this was how it would be if he made love to her. Taking her right to the point of no return, and then slowing, just so that they could both feel the need.
She stretched up, kissing him, and felt Ethan’s arm around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. He kissed her again, demanding this time, and she felt desire begin to pulse deep inside.
No... Too much. Too soon. Mind over matter was one thing, but she hadn’t expected this. Kate drew back, pushing the feeling down before she lost control.
She could see it in his eyes too. The shocked acknowledgement that this wasn’t just a kiss. Which was a problem, because Kate could barely handle just kissing him.
‘I’m sorry, Kate.’
‘It’s all right. I started it.’
‘We both started it, together. And perhaps we both have to end it now.’ Ethan shrugged. ‘I can’t. I don’t think of myself as having the right to do this.’
His guilt again. He’d grieved for his wife, and let that go, but he couldn’t let go of the guilt. Ethan’s world had somehow become smaller, leaving no room for him to move beyond just he and Sam.
‘Maybe I’m not ready for it either.’ These were stolen moments, only possible because tonight Sam happened to be with his grandparents. Kate needed someone to be there on a rather more permanent basis than that.
They were silent for a long time, both staring at the fire. That wasn’t going to do any good. There weren’t any answers there.
‘The fire’s burning down. We should go.’
‘Yeah.’ He got to his feet, helping her up, and then kicking at the fire to extinguish it. ‘Perhaps we won’t worry about rebuilding it.’
‘No, we must. I can’t break with tradition, not on my first time here.’ She smiled awkwardly up at him.
Suddenly it was possible to think that they could be just friends who had stumbled over the line by mistake in the darkness. They found bracken and twigs for the new fire, and Ethan built it while Kate watched.
‘That’ll do, I think.’
‘Yes. It’ll do very nicely.’ Maybe the next couple who came up here and put a match to the fire that Ethan had left for them would have better luck and not discover that it had all been a mistake.
Kate took one last look around to make sure that they hadn’t left anything behind and then followed Ethan out of the cave and onto the wide causeway for the long walk back to his car.
CHAPTER TWELVE
NEITHER OF THEM had spoken much on their way back to Ethan’s car and he hadn’t heard from Kate the next day. That was probably for the best. He needed some distance, to get back into the routine of friendship, and he guessed that Kate did too.
All the same, he missed her. The slow meander of Sunday and the morning rush of Monday did nothing to erode the memory of how she’d kissed him. Even the careful, concentrated work of the day couldn’t drive her completely from his thoughts.
He knew that going to see Edie before he left the hospital for the evening might involve bumping into Kate. But Ethan took the risk and the sudden thump in his chest when he saw her sitting at Edie’s bedside told him that he couldn’t just turn around and walk away. Watching from the entrance doors of the ward, he saw the two women carefully unpacking a cloth bag that Kate had laid on the bed. A packet of face wipes, some chocolate and some fruit. Small gifts, each one of which made Edie smile.
‘Oh! Lavender water. Thank you, dear!’ Ethan heard Edie’s exclamation, and saw Kate reach forward, opening the bottle for Edie and tipping it so that she could dab a little onto Edie’s wrist.
‘Behind your ears?’
‘Oh, yes, please. How thoughtful.’
It was thoughtful. A little luxury to chase away the smell of antiseptic. Ethan approached Edie’s bed.
Kate jumped when she saw him and the thought that his presence was responsible for the sudden reddening of her cheeks sent a tingle down Ethan’s spine. He shot Kate a smile and then turned his attention to Edie.
‘How are you?’
‘Much better, thank you. I’ve been a lot of trouble, haven’t I? To a lot of people.’ Edie twisted down the corners of her mouth.
‘No one thinks that.’ Kate patted Edie’s hand. ‘Everyone just wanted you to be safe and we’re glad that you are.’
‘I’ve made a decision.’ Edie gave a firm little nod. ‘My son found a really nice flat in a sheltered housing complex for us, but I said that I could manage Fred. I think it’s time, though. We need a bit of help. And I’d be able to have a nurse in to look after him while I go out with my friends once in a while.’
‘Where is Fred now?’ Ethan knew that hospital was challenging for people with dementia and wondered if there was anything he could do to help.
‘He’s at home. My daughter’s staying with him while I’m here.’ Edie smiled, leaning towards Kate. ‘Actually, it’s rather nice. A bit of a rest.’
‘Well, you’ll have more help when you move into the sheltered accommodation.’ Kate gave a little frown, obviously not sure how Edie might feel about having to move.
‘Yes, I will. I’m rather looking forward to it, actually.’
* * *
‘Nice lady.’ Ethan held the door of the ward open for Kate.
‘Yes. I hope she’ll be all right. It’s a big step, moving into sheltered accommodation.’
‘I don’t see what else she can do. She can’t manage Fred on her own any more.’
Kate nodded. ‘That’s clear enough. And I suppose that life will be much easier for her, once she has help to look after Fred properly. It’s a big change for her, though.’
‘Life’s full of changes. We have to make them into new beginnings.’ When he looked at Kate, Ethan had the courage to say it. Almost the faith to believe it.
‘Yes. I hope Edie’s new beginning is a good one.’
‘She seems to think it will be.’ The touch of Kate’s lips echoed through his memory, leaving him trembling.
The thought that he’d decided never to love anyone again suddenly made him feel like a traitor. As if he’d turned his back on all the people who’d taught him how to love, telling them that love meant nothing.
‘Would you like to go for coffee—something to eat, maybe?’ Kate could be depended on to want something to eat.
‘I’d like to, but...’ She twisted her mouth in an expression of regret. ‘I’ve got to get back to the surgery. I’m working this evening.’
‘Too bad. Another time, maybe.’
She thought about it for a moment. ‘How about the weekend? I’m pretty busy this week, as one of the other vets at the practice is on holiday and so everyone’s filling in for her. It would be nice to do it some time when I don’t have to rush away.’
Ethan smiled. Kate wanted to take time with him. He wanted that too. ‘Why don’t you come over on Friday evening and I’ll cook? Sam’s going over to my parents’. He and my dad have a project they’re working on together. So I can cook something a bit different.’
The menu wasn’t really the issue. Maybe being alone with him would be, but Kate only hesitated for a moment.
‘So we won’t be having bangers and mash?’
‘I was thinking maybe not.’
‘Hmm. Shame. What time shall I come?’
* * *<
br />
One of the disadvantages of knowing Ethan was that Kate had become obsessed by her own wardrobe. It was no longer something that just got opened once or twice a day, for long enough to pull out something which more or less matched and was appropriate for the weather. It had to be sorted through and studied carefully.
She puffed out a breath. She’d taken three perfectly good summer dresses out and hung them over the tops of the doors. One would be just as good as the other.
She held the red one up against her, looking in the mirror. A bit short. She didn’t want to look as if she was trying to seduce him. When she did the same with the green one, it was a bit long. Kate made a face at herself.
‘They’re just knees, for goodness’ sakes. He’s seen lots of different knees before. He’s a doctor.’
Kate puffed out another breath. The dark-blue one. It fell just above the knee, slimline and a wrap-around at the front. Before she could change her mind again, she put the other two dresses back into the wardrobe and banged the door shut. Her car was playing up and she had decided that, rather than have it conk out on her again, it was best to take it straight to the garage. If she was going to wash her hair and blow dry it into something approximating a style before the taxi arrived to take her to Ethan’s house, then she’d better get moving.
* * *
Ethan had thought carefully about the menu for that evening. A couple of free-range steaks, done with peppercorn sauce and a salad. Nothing too fancy, but at least he could indulge his penchant for a medium-rare steak without Sam wrinkling his nose and telling him that his dinner was bleeding.
He made the salad and scrubbed some potatoes, taking the meat out of the fridge so that it went into the pan at room temperature. Then he set up the table in the conservatory, laying it carefully. A couple of candles didn’t seem too far over the top.
Kate arrived at eight, blowing every rational thought from his head. She stood on the doorstep, wearing a blue dress, her hair tamed into a mass of curls at the back of her head. Ethan felt as if he was a teenager on a first date.
Healed by the Single Dad Doc Page 11
