by Rachel Shane
I couldn’t do it. Not yet. I placed my hand against the brick wall a few feet away from the entrance and the smells. I took deep breaths through my mouth, keeping my nose pinched shut.
“She’ll be all right,” Gavin said, mistaking my hesitation. He leaned against the wall next to me and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. It was only a strand or two, the slightest bit of string connecting us, like the last thread of a baby tooth. I didn’t have the heart to shake my head and knock him away.
“It’s too much,” I said. “All these jobs. Something needs to change. I hope she sees that now. Otherwise, she won’t be okay.”
We turned our attention to paramedics pulling a stretcher through the doors. The scent reached me, and I fought back a rush of memories and vomit.
“Distract me or something,” I said. “Just until I can stomach the hospital smell.”
“Okay.” Gavin paused. “What’s school like? Anything like tonight?” He put his hand on my shoulder.
His touch was more distraction than I’d bargained for. I slipped out from his gentle contact and used my hands to regale him with the terrible tales of high school. Cramming for tests. I told him about the yearly poetry anthology I submitted anonymously to and watched as the students gossiped about who wrote my piece, how they wished they did. I won a $100 savings bond for last year’s poem. I stayed away from things like where the popular girls sat versus where I sat, how to deal with stares in the hallway, and how to remain as quiet as possible in class so people think you’re brooding and weird and not just…lonely. If he ended up in Isla’s crowd, he’d never need to know these things anyway.
A Jeep Wrangler sped in the parking lot. Before I could even react, Isla threw her door open and Sabrina gracefully exited from the passenger side.
Gavin peeled himself from the wall and rushed toward the curb where he confronted his sister. “What are you doing here?”
“Gavin, you scared me,” Sabrina said. You told me you were going to the hospital, but not why. I thought you were in trouble!” She wore a simple t-shirt and sweat pants, her hair mashed up in a loose bun on the top of her head.
The four of us stood in the doorway, the sliding doors opening and closing, unsure if we were coming or going or just standing in place. “How the hell did you two end up together?”
Sabrina looked at me from underneath her lashes. “I hit redial.”
“And you,” I addressed Isla this time. She hung off to the side, obviously trying to disappear behind a column. “Why didn’t you tell Sabrina it was my mom?”
Isla scoffed. “I did. In the car.”
“She also told me about the concert.” Sabrina crossed her arms and glared at her brother.
“I’m not the bad guy here.” Ironically, Isla held up her hands in surrender. “She was frantic when I spoke to her so I offered to bring her here. Plus, I was worried about your mom, Moxie.” Normally, her voice held a hint of contempt, but I couldn’t detect one tonight.
Gavin raked his hands through his hair, backing away from the entrance. “Please, Sabrina, don’t say anything.”
She bit her lip. “Too late. I thought something was wrong. Isla never said on the phone you weren’t hurt. I thought it happened at the concert. They…um…got upset.”
Gavin balled his hands into fists.
“They rushed out of the house, I guess to try to find you at the concert. Isla showed up a few minutes later so I came here to warn you and maybe figure out an excuse to smooth this over. I thought maybe we could tell them she kidnapped you.” She gestured to me. “They already think your girlfriend is a bad influence on you.”
I didn’t have time to process what Sabrina said before Gavin countered with, “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
The words were true. 100% fact. But they still stung.
“Whatever. But they have a point,” Sabrina said. “I mean, before her, you would never have wound up standing outside a hospital in the middle of the night, sneaking out of the house to play an amateur concert. Or hanging out with girls who…” She caught my eye and stopped.
“Go home before you get into more trouble.” I stalked off into the hospital, away from them, not looking back. My nostrils flared, masking the horrible hospital scent.
A few seconds later, Gavin ran up behind me. “I’m not going anywhere. I told you I’d be here for you, and I will.”
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to. I told Isla to take Sabrina home so she can get back before Mom and Dad.”
He clasped his fingers in mine, his palm warm, and we headed to Krystal’s room without another word. This was a sacrifice. But then, if I wasn’t his girlfriend, what—if anything—did the hand-holding mean?
The buzz of the heart monitor in Krystal’s room and the hum of various machines made me pause in the doorway before entering. The beeping sound was slow and melodic, not chaotic like my own heart. Another thing my mother and I didn’t have in common.
With a squeeze of his hand, Gavin tugged me inside.
My throat tightened at the sight of my mother sleeping. A blue-purple bruise puffing one cheek ran high enough to make it hard to discern where the bruise left off and her blue eye shadow began. A pair of false eyelashes drooped off the same eye, only attached at the edges, obscuring the bruise even more. Strands escaped at all angles from her poufy hair, teased higher than the pillow. She wore a hospital gown, white and speckled with tiny blue flowers. Even with the open back, it was probably the most conservative thing she’d worn in years.
The sight of her lying on that bed, peaceful and sleeping, made my chest ache. She looked caught between worlds. Beneath the stripper makeup, she was a regular person. A person who got hurt, one who slept during night hours. A person whose daughter visited.
“Can you grab me a wet paper towel?” I asked Gavin as I lifted the eyelash from Krystal’s face. “Throw this out while you’re at it.”
I passed him the discarded eyelash.
When he returned, I took the washcloth and wiped her face with it, making gentle strokes so she wouldn’t wake up. The paper towel smelled like damp cardboard, and when I placed it over her lips, she opened her dazed eyes. She looked scared, and I wondered if she thought I was trying to suffocate her.
I snapped back the paper towel. “Hey,” I said. “I was just cleaning you up.”
“You came.” Her voice bubbled from phlegm. She coughed.
“What happened?”
“Don’t know. Said I fell asleep.” She shrugged, and then winced. “Seems likely.”
“Don’t move, Ma. You’re hurt.” The word “Ma,” only two letters, so common and generic, yet it had been years since I uttered them aloud. It had been even longer since I said them to her face. “I think you’re working too much.”
She pointed to the sling on her shoulder. “Looks like that problem’s solved.”
Gavin let out a short laugh. Krystal’s eyes flashed to him. “Aren’t you adorable? Come here.” She waved her hand in slow-motion to her chest.
He peeled himself off the wall and ambled toward the bed. Krystal reached out her hand and Gavin took it. The way they held hands was so natural, my breath caught. Maybe our hand holding earlier hadn’t meant anything more than comfort.
“So tall,” Krystal said, gazing up at him.
“You’re just used to her.” He pointed at me with his thumb.
“No one gets used to her. Boyfriend?” Krystal asked Gavin.
I couldn’t understand how everyone could throw around that word so easily, assume it as a definition for us, yet I wouldn’t even let myself think it.
He shook his head, no hesitation. “Best friend.”
Krystal nodded. “She needs one of those too.”
“I think she needs you. More than she admits.”
I wanted to scoff. Instead, I gave Gavin a warning look to stop meddling.
Krystal rolled her eyes. “Oh, now. Don’t get sappy on me. She’s good on her own
.”
I pulled myself up to my full height. “You guys do realize I’m in the room. And that I can fend for myself.”
“I know it,” Krystal said, letting go of Gavin’s hand. She reached for mine, but I didn’t move. “I have high hopes for her. I think one day she’ll get by on only one job.” She smiled at me. “Hopefully one that will require a little more clothes.”
Gavin glanced from me to my mother. “See? That right there. That’s what I mean.”
We both squinted at him.
“You’re supporting her,” he said. “Encouraging her. Believing in her.”
Krystal nodded. “I have her back too. I can easily get her a job at Foxy’s when she turns eighteen.”
Alarm bells went off in my head. “Okay. Time to go.”
“Already?” Krystal’s lip quivered.
“Gavin has to get home.”
He shook his head. “I’m already in trouble. Staying a little longer won’t make much of a difference.”
Gavin gestured for my purse and asked for my permanent marker. He sat down on the edge of her cot, and much to my surprise, started filling Krystal in on our concert as he signed her cast.
“You should have seen her,” he said. “She’s really talented. At first, no one wanted to hear her sing. But when she finished, no one wanted her to leave the stage.”
“You guys had some big ones to go out there and play on the fly.” She yawned. “Wish I could have seen it.”
Gavin met my eye, a smile racing across his lips, and I knew he approved of my mother. Of my life.
“What did you write, Gavin?” Krystal strained to see down at the bright white cast. “I can’t—”
“It’s a song lyric,” I said, reading the words for myself. “In this black and white world, I’m blue.”
“Sounds about right.” Krystal gestured to the bruises running down her left arm. “Whole lot of black and blue going on here.”
I pressed my lips together. Really there was no point in trying to enlighten her on what the lyrics meant.
Krystal’s eyes fluttered closed, and she yawned again. We slipped out so she could rest.
“Your mother’s amazing,” Gavin said when we got in the car.
I swallowed. “That’s not the word I would have used.”
He ignored me. “She’s so down to earth.”
“That’s the painkillers talking.” I shifted the wheel and pulled out of the parking lot, leaving the bright lights of the hospital behind.
“She loves you.” Gavin twisted Isla’s thumb drive over in his fingers. With his computer broken, I wasn’t sure how he’d even open the files.
My tongue is thick and heavy in my mouth. “She was just pretending because you’re here. Trust me, for the past sixteen years I’ve never felt like she loved me.”
“She gives you space. Lets you do what you want. Make your own mistakes. That’s love.”
My pulse pounded in my ears. I didn’t respond to Gavin, just turned the volume up on the radio to blot out my beating heart.
After I exited off the highway and onto the side road that would lead us to the Tully’s house, I asked him, “Are you scared?”
His fingers drummed on the dashboard to the beat. “I’m feeling a lot of things right now.”
“Like?” I pried.
“Well, scared is definitely one of them. Also pissed at Sabrina. And I’m strangely happy at the same time. For you, because I hope your relationship with Krystal improves after this. And I’m confused. So yeah, a lot of conflicting emotions. Not sure which is strongest.”
“Okay, Mr. Vague.” I took my eyes off the road for a moment to smile at him. “Best friends, right? You can tell me. What are you confused about?.”
He flinched, pulling his hand back from the dashboard. It took him a while to answer before he said, “When I figure it out, I promise you’ll be the first to know.”
We rounded his corner, and even from a few yards away, I could see Chuck and Josephine pacing in the driveway.
My fingers stilled on the wheel. “Uh oh.”
He buried his head in his hands. “Keep driving.”
“Don’t tempt me.” I hit the gas.
His eyes popped open. “I was just kidding.” He sighed. “I have to face them.”
Despite my better judgement, I inched forward into the driveway. Chuck marched toward us. Josephine hung back by the garage.
The front door opened. Framed in the screen door, crosshatch marks distorting her features, Sabrina peered out.
Chuck wrenched open the passenger door. It always got stuck, so the force of his pull nearly unhinged it. I didn’t realize he was so strong.
His eyes glared red, reflecting the lights from my car. Gavin stepped out without looking back. I knew I should drive away, get out while I could, but I didn’t want to abandon him after he’d stood by me all night. Bubbly pop music blasted from the car, in sharp contrast to the rage radiating from the Tullys.
“Where have you been?” Chuck folded his arms, bouncing on his heels.
“The concert,” Gavin said fast. “I’m sorry, but—”
“Don’t lie to me!” Chuck’s nostrils flared as he spoke.
“I’m not!”
“Where did you go after the concert? Are you sleeping with her? Is that why you’re sneaking around?”
I gasped, clasping a cold palm over my mouth. That was the last question I expected.
Gavin seemed taken aback too. “What? No! Did Sabrina say that?”
Josephine stepped forward. “Gavin, we warned you. We told you to stay away from her.”
I got out of the car. Gavin had rescued me tonight with my mom, it was my turn to do the same for him. “What’s the big deal? We didn’t do anything wrong. No drinking.No drugs. No anything else inappropriate.” I winced as Chuck’s question flooded back to me. “He deserved a night of fun. He’s in prison here.”
Chuck wheeled on me, his eyes so venomous I stumbled back a step. “This is none of your business,” Chuck said. “Stay out of it.”
“Stay out of our lives. We’re just trying to protect him.” Josephine pinched the bridge of her nose in her fingertips. “And between you and your mother—”
“My mother?” My gaze went to Sabrina, lurking behind the screen door. Suddenly it all made sense. Sabrina must have provided the missing information given to her by my dear friend Isla. A lump formed in my throat. “Right, because I’m a product of my parents and that makes me a terrible human.”
Gavin glared at his sister. She slunk back into shadows on the porch.
“Listen, Mom, Dad, I understand if you’re upset about the concert, but the hospital? Moxie needed—”
“Hospital?” Josephine crooked her neck at me, like maybe I brought some infectious disease with me. But this solidified one thing, Sabrina hadn’t divulged the location of our real whereabouts. I wasn’t about to celebrate.
The song blasting from the car changed from a love ballad to a 90s pop song. “Earplugs stuffed into my ear. Drown the world so I can’t hear.”
Josephine screamed. “Oh my God! Turn this song off. Turn it off!” She clutched her chest. Chuck sprang for the car, leaving Gavin in his wake, and tried to wrench open the door again, but it stuck.
“And though the quiet sounds so clear. My mind is what’s really closed.”
I had no idea what was happening or why anyone cared about a stupid song that made no difference in this conversation. It’s not like I busted out the Macarena-style dance everyone always did to this song. “But then I met you, and I’m not confined.” Maybe he hated the words, because they spoke the truth about the situation, and he didn’t want us to see how very real they were.
“No,” I said, crossing my arms like an immature teenager. “I know you’re devout and think regular music will somehow damage Gavin’s purity or something, but depriving him is only making things worse.”
“The beats pulsed and the notes aligned. Music playing to a tune you
designed.”
Chuck sucked in deep breaths to gather his composure. “This song! Just turn off this song. Please.”
I raised a brow at him in defiance. “No. Gavin likes this song,” I said even though I had no idea if that was true. The song wasn’t important. Rebellion was. “And he likes me too. So he should be allowed to see me if he chooses. And I don’t mean sleep with me.”
Gavin nodded frantically. “You can trust me, Dad.”
“My heart is what’s now exposed.”
“This is harassment.” Chuck veered toward the garage, pulling something out of the pocket and pointing it at the door. The garage door jerked to a rise, a humming noise drowning out the music playing from my open window.
He clutched Gavin’s arm and tugged him into the garage. Gavin followed like an obedient puppy. After her family disappeared, Josephine walked slowly up to me, her heels clicking on the tar of the driveway.
“Because I’m breaking free of silence. Sound surrounding me.”
“I know you think you’re saving him. But you’re not. You’re only making things worse. We gave up a lot to give Gavin a normal life. If you care about him at all, you’ll leave him alone.” She stalked off toward the garage, flipping a keypad and punching in numbers. The door fell shut behind her.
My hands balled into fists. I stalked back to my car ready to listen to the song just to defy them, only to see a shadow growing larger as I approached.
“You brought the music to my life. And we found harmony.”
“What happened?” a girly voice asked behind me, absent of its usual cheer.
“Don’t talk to me,” I said, not even bothering to turn around to face Sabrina in person. The chorus blasted, building to a crescendo.
She dodged around me and stepped into my line of vision. “I didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand. I just didn’t like that Gavin was sneaking out, and going to a club of all places. I just thought—”
“Sabrina, save it. You used me to get your parents to allow you to go to boarding school. And now you fucked everything up because you heard a few bad rumors about me. What were you thinking?” Seriously, I thought I’d never hate anyone as much as Isla but she was looking like the patron saint of friendship tonight. “Stay out of my life, and I’ll stay out of yours.”
