by Dorie Graham
“Really? You’ve spoken with her…while she’s been abroad?”
“A few times. We e-mail pretty regularly.”
“And she talks about us?”
“She talks about a lot of things, but, yes, she talks about you girls. I told her about the house you’re buying.”
“She must have laughed at that. She never understood why I wanted to settle in one place. ‘Expand your horizons,’ she’d say.”
“She was very proud of you, actually.” He stopped to pack more tobacco into the pipe from a small leather pouch at his side. “I don’t think she ever stopped to think about how her lifestyle didn’t suit you. I think she’s sorry for that.”
Nikki sat silent for a moment, nursing all the old hurts. “I guess she couldn’t change who she was.”
She stood and paced out the open garage door to the fence, where a half-beaten rug lay cooking in the heat. “Maybe if I didn’t expect her to be a mother, maybe if I thought of her more as a friend…”
Thomas shook his head. “But she is your mother whether you can accept that or not. It would be nice if you could. You know, there’s no set definition of what a mother should be. She birthed you. She did her best to care for you when you were growing up. Maybe she isn’t the best by your standards, but you could have done a lot worse.”
Nikki nodded. “I know, Thomas.” She paced back into the shaded interior. “I always had such different expectations. Other kids had normal, stable homes. Why couldn’t we?”
“You know what Sophie would say?”
A small smile crept across her lips. “Something about how there is no such thing as a normal family and how we each plan our lives before we come here and we pick the families who best serve whatever lessons we have for this lifetime.”
He sat back and grinned. “Yep, that’s exactly what she’d say.”
“So what lesson am I supposed to be learning?”
He shrugged. “You’ll have to go to Sophie for that. I’m still trying to figure it all out.”
“So any idea when we’ll see Maggie?”
“You know how she is. We’ll see her when the time is right. Seems to me we’re getting close, though.”
“Time for her to cut this one loose?”
“They’re all different, but I’ve got that feeling. She’s starting to let go.”
“Really?” Nikki sat forward. “How can you tell?”
“By the tone of her voice, the things she says…”
“What do you mean her tone of voice?”
“When she’s in that first flush of love, her tone is very light—you know, ecstatic. She’s in that infatuation phase. Then as the relationship progresses, she kind of blooms, then mellows. I’ve talked her through years of relationships. I think I’ve gotten a feel for it.”
“So what kinds of things does she say when the relationship gets near the end?”
“She makes fewer references to time in connection with that person. No mention of future plans. Then there’s the most obvious clue.”
“What’s that?”
“The pronoun shift.”
Nikki peered at him expectantly.
“Singular as opposed to plural. Instead of we’re enjoying France, it’s I’m enjoying France.”
“I see. It’s a verbal distancing of sorts.”
“I don’t even think she’s aware of it.”
“You know her so well.” How long had Thomas been in the wings for Maggie? “I still don’t see why the two of you never hooked up. Are you impervious to her charms?”
He looked at her a long moment as a smile curved his lips. “Guess the time was never right.”
“Thomas—” Nikki regarded him “—are you telling me you think there might be a right time for you and Maggie?”
“This McClellan gift is something to deal with.”
“You’re not telling me anything new.”
“You having a hard time with it?”
A short, derisive laugh burst from her. “Seems I’m still handicapped in the letting go department.”
He nodded, his look intense. “I’ve been thinking about that. Seems to me the letting go might have something to do with the way you love.”
“How so?”
“Think about Maggie and Tess—even Sophie for that matter, though you probably don’t see that part of her—they love with abandon, with their hearts and arms wide open.”
“So you’re saying that I’m close-hearted, that I’m clingy?”
“No, sweetie, but you are so intense sometimes. You love with a fierce protectiveness. It’s beautiful and full, but it may be more harmful in the long run.”
“But…how do I love with abandon? I don’t get that. What does that even mean? I don’t see how they can truly love someone so completely, then move on at the drop of a hat.”
“But that they do, all right.”
“Well, I don’t know how, Thomas. I’m beginning to think I got miswired somewhere along the way.”
“Tell me, with this young man of yours…you’ve been holding back?”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you let yourself fall in love with him?”
Had she fallen in love with Dylan? “I don’t know. I get this rush anytime he calls or when I see him. And I miss him loads when I don’t see him. But I keep thinking each time could be the last. I don’t understand why he’s been different than the others, why he’s still around.” She laughed. “If he’s still around. I don’t even know. I take it one day at a time. If we make plans, I take them with a grain of salt and half expect him to cancel or no-show.”
She closed her eyes and fisted her hands in her hair. “I don’t believe I’ve ever made it to that plural-pronoun stage in a relationship. Maybe I never will. Maybe it’ll just always be me and him and never us. You know this history I have—the one-shot wonder. God, I sound so insecure.”
“Sweetie, you don’t sound insecure. You sound like you’re trying your best to hang loose and see what might happen next.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.”
“But you’re hesitant. Understandably so. You’re afraid to put too much of yourself into something that might not last.”
“Sure. I’ll admit to that, but it doesn’t help that he doesn’t seem eager to put anything of himself out there either. I thought we were making progress. He was starting to open up, but now I don’t know. He seems more closed than ever. It’s like one step forward, two steps back.” She plopped down next to Thomas on the old car seat he kept in his workroom. “So what do I do to keep my sanity through all this? Because sometimes I feel like I’m falling off the deep end.”
“Well, sweetie…” He freed a strand of sweat-dampened hair from the side of her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Maybe you should just loosen up and not worry about falling in love. I mean, it’s kind of like missing someone—either you love a person or you don’t. It’s a given. I don’t think any of us has an option there. Maggie and Tess can’t help that they love heart and soul each time.”
She squinted as the sun’s rays sank even with the fence outside the door, blurring the lines of the rug. “Thomas, do you think Dylan may still be in my life because I haven’t allowed myself to fall in love with him, so he hasn’t benefited fully from any healing power I might have?”
“He’s still around because he isn’t healed yet?”
She turned to him. “Yes…because I’m afraid to love him.”
His eyebrows arched and he took a long pull on the pipe, then cocked his head back and let the smoke curl in a lazy puff from his mouth. “Could be.”
“So if I really want to help him, I have to get over being afraid of losing him and I have to let myself fall in love with him?”
“I don’t have the answers, Nikki. Like I said, I don’t think any of us has a choice in who we love.” His eyes took on a far-off look, and for the very first time she wondered if Thomas had ever loved anyone. Then he straighte
ned and turned to her. “I would caution you, though, before you go tumbling head over heels. Make sure you’re good and ready. I have a feeling when you fall in love, you’ll fall hard.”
She turned back to where the sun painted the horizon brilliant red, orange and gold. Thomas was probably right. The question was, had she already started that fall?
COLD CURLED AROUND NIKKI and she shivered as she surfaced into consciousness. The early-morning light fell through an opening in the curtain, pooling on the soft carpet. A dog barked somewhere in the distance and a lawn mower rumbled to life.
For the briefest moment she braced herself for the feeling of abandonment, but then she relaxed, glancing over at the empty space beside her. Dylan had left his bed but not the house. She could sense his presence. A bump from somewhere downstairs confirmed that he was having trouble sleeping again.
She rubbed her arms and slipped from the bed, wrapping the sheet around her. She followed the sounds to the formal living room. Light from a side table softly illuminated him as he bent over a pile of ornate frames, candlesticks and other knickknacks. His mood was as jumbled as ever. The sadness still churned below the surface, but he seemed otherwise preoccupied. He’d slipped on a pair of shorts, and for just a moment she stood and looked her fill at the strong lines of his back and shoulders.
Would she ever tire of the sight of him?
“Hi,” she said.
He straightened, his eyes wide in surprise. “Nikki, I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well…” He rubbed his neck as if he wasn’t quite sure himself. “I was just thinking that we’ve got the inspection coming up next week and the closing not far after that. I should start making plans…about where I’m going, what to do with all this.”
“Oh.” She hadn’t thought about the closing. And she’d tried very hard not to think about him leaving this house. “There isn’t any hurry. I haven’t even begun to think about the move.”
He blew out a breath, and for a moment they were silent. He shook his head. “I may just put everything into storage and rent some place until I figure out where I’m going. I’ll call some movers today, see what I can schedule.”
She nodded, though all she wanted to do was beg him to stay. “I have my apartment for a few more months still. I’ll probably break the lease, depending on what my sisters do. So like I said, no hurry.”
“You should start bringing your things over.” He shrugged. “You’re staying here half the time. You might as well have some clothes at least. There’s plenty of room in the closet, and I could clear out part of the dresser.”
“I suppose that makes sense.” She kept her voice calm, though excitement raced through her. What would it be like to live with him—share this house with him?
He stepped over to her and took her into his arms. “You’ll stay again tonight? We’ll spend the day together. Just the two of us. Maybe head to the beach for a long swim, then come back here and make love until we’re exhausted. We can stop by your place and pick up a load of your things while we’re out.”
“I’d like that.”
“Ah, Nikki…” He tilted her head and kissed her, his lips firm and warm. She opened to him and his tongue stroked hers with gentleness.
His hands skimmed her, and the sheet pooled at her feet. He broke the kiss and moved back to let his gaze sweep over her. “You know I want you all the time. When I’m with you, it seems I can hardly get enough of you. And when we’re apart, all I can think about is being with you again. Of being inside you again.”
She pulled him to her, pressing her body against the muscular wall of his torso. He caressed her back as he kissed her again, taking her mouth with more urgency. She wrapped her arms around him and held on as he pulled her slowly to the floor.
“Let me love you, Nikki. Let me give to you,” he murmured as he cupped her breast. His breath was warm, his mouth hot as he kissed her there, kneading her as he worked his tongue over her nipple, teasing it into an aching point.
She clasped her hands in his hair and gave herself up to the currents of desire flowing through her. Her blood warmed. Her sex pulsed. He moved from one breast to the other, suckling her for an endless time, until she moaned with need.
At last he nudged her knees apart and dipped his fingers between the swollen folds of her femininity. She sighed his name, and he took her mouth again as he thrust deep inside her. Her hips undulated of their own accord and she lost herself to the sensation as he drifted down her body, touching, tasting and teasing her with his lips and tongue. Finally he settled his mouth over her nether lips and kissed her deeply, thoroughly, exploring every inch of her swollen flesh before centering on her clit. His tongue drew circles of indescribable pleasure around her, sending prickles of heat dancing along her skin.
She ground against him, her movements growing more frenzied as the tension coiled through her and the heat built to an almost intolerable level. He thrust his fingers inside her while he laved her clit, his rhythm steady, even as the first tendrils of orgasm rippled outward through her.
“Ahh…Dylan.” She closed her eyes as a rainbow of light burst along her body. She cried out, her muscles stiffening as her climax took her.
He moved up and held her, stroking her back, until her breathing leveled out. She lay limp and sated, smiling lazily up at him.
He laughed. “You look like the cat that got the cream.”
“Yes, sir. Now please take me back to bed and make proper love to me, so we can both bask in this lovely afterglow.”
11
HE WASTED NO TIME IN complying, and when he slipped inside her moments later, it was all she could do not to cry out with the joy of it. He loved her well into the morning, taking his sweet time, thrusting with deep, sure strokes, until he shuddered and tensed and the climax carried them both to a place full of peace and light.
For long moments afterward, he lay covering her, his weight welcome. She smiled and lightly drew her nails up his back. “Yes, I think I would like very much to move some of my things in.”
He rolled off her but scooped one arm around her and held her close against him. “I’d like that, too.”
“I could help you pack, if you’d like.”
His gaze grew serious. “There’s something you should know about this house… It’s very special. I’m telling you this because I know you’ll care for it and appreciate it the way I do.”
“I will. It’s a wonderful house—full of light and space. It’s the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. I still don’t know how you can bring yourself to part with it.”
“Like I said before, it’s time to move on. This house was a chapter in my life that has come to a close. I can’t hold on to it any longer.”
She took his hand. “Because you shared it with Kathy?”
“That’s part of it, but there’s more….” His gaze swept the room from the arched entry to the crown molding. “There’s a part of me in these walls.” He focused on her. “I didn’t always aspire to be an attorney. In fact, I would have done anything not to follow in my old man’s footsteps.”
The sadness loomed in him again, but she stroked his hand until it abated as he said, “Steven and I used to study architecture together. My parents pitched a fit when they found out, threatened to transfer me to another school.”
He shook his head at the memory. “I couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from Kathy and Steven, so I bucked up and went into prelaw like a good son.”
“I’m so sorry, Dylan.”
“It’s okay. I actually enjoyed it in those days, before I started practicing. You know, it’s all so idealistic on paper. Defending the innocent and all that. In real life…well, it’s not as satisfying as I’d have hoped.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“It’s where I am now, and for once in my life I’m doing something my family is proud of.”
“But you don’t seem overly happ
y about that.”
“My family carries a lot of influence in their little arena of the world. As long as I stay on their good side, I have the potential of achieving great success in life.”
“But you should be happy in what you do, Dylan. If practicing law doesn’t fulfill you, then why not try something else?”
“This house—” he made a broad sweeping gesture “—it was my one big foray outside of law.”
She followed his gaze around the room. “You mean you designed this? You’re the architect?”
“With Steven’s help, of course. I could never have carried it off without him.”
“But the design is yours.”
“I knew what I wanted. It wasn’t that hard to get it down on paper. The execution was murder. I had already started at my father’s firm, so I worked around a pretty grueling schedule. It took almost a year and a half of my life seeing it to fruition. I can’t tell you how many times I almost gave up.”
“And your parents didn’t approve?”
“I had a big housewarming when it was finished. I wanted them to come see it just once.”
“What happened?”
“Not only did they not show but also half the guest list didn’t. Seems no one was going to encourage my wayward behavior without their approval.”
“That’s so wrong.”
“That’s my world, Nikki. It’s all a big political game. They were sending me a clear message that if I pursued a career outside of law, they’d never support it. They’d take all their backing and contacts. I never would have made it.”
“So you decided to play by their rules.”
“I had asked Kathy to marry me. I wanted to give her the life she deserved.”
“But surely she would have supported your efforts to go out on your own?”
“It wasn’t good enough for me. She deserved better. I would have had to go back to school, spend time in an apprenticeship. It was too late to start over.”
“That’s so sad, Dylan.”
His shoulders heaved and the gloom pressed around him like a fog. “It is what it is. I just thought you might like to know.”
“But what about now? Who’s to say you couldn’t start over now?” She gestured to the four walls. “This house is amazing. If this is what you can do as an amateur, what might you be capable of with the full training?”
