by Nicola Haken
“But… his dad pays for his flat and car and stuff now right?”
“Yeah. Arrogant bastard didn’t like the idea of Jared living with me. Think he thought Jared would end all contact with me if he gave him back his credit card. But, we’d built a sort of bond I guess. He’s a good kid. I liked having him around. So to prove a point Al reinstated everything except his school fees. S’pose he still feels like he’s ‘the boss’ that way.
“Trouble is, he doesn’t know his son as well as I do. Jared couldn’t really give a shit. A red letter from student finance wouldn’t even blip on his radar. He knows good ol’ Daddy would get him out of any serious shit. Sue would make him.
“Course, he likes the fast car and the swanky fucking flat… and he’s not stupid. He knows he’d have to work damn fucking hard to get all that without Al, so he takes what’s on offer…But truth is, all the lad really wants is to be accepted. He’s got this fucked-up idea in his head that these fits make him vulnerable after what those bastards did to him. He’s ashamed of it. Never said as much of course ‘cause he refuses to talk about it… but I know – because I know him.”
“So he still has them?”
Mick nodded.
“I suspect that’s why he keeps disappearing on you. He gets a warning. Usually wakes up knowing one’s coming… so he takes his sorry arse off home and sleeps it off.”
“But I don’t understand. Aren’t there any medications he can take? And how is he still allowed to drive? Isn’t that dangerous?”
“He shouldn’t be driving. And I don’t know about medication because he won’t see anyone about it. Thinks it’ll all go away on its own,” he said brusquely, shaking his head in obvious annoyance. “And the unwavering little shit won’t listen to a word I say.”
Well he will listen to what I’ve got to say…
“The night I found him,” Mick continued. “I called an ambulance before I even knew who he was. Like I said, it’d been a long time and his face was covered in that much blood he was barely recognisable. But he came round a little before they arrived. Said my name. He knew I owned the place and had staggered over here for help.”
“So what happened? Is that what brought on these fits he has? The beating.”
“No. He admitted afterwards he’d had a couple before. Right out of the blue. The doctor’s patched him up and sent him home a few days later with his arms in casts and an outpatient appointment with a neurologist. He never went.”
“But why? They could’ve stopped this years ago!” You stupid fucking idiot, I mentally blasted as if Jared was standing in front of me.
“That’s something you’ll have to ask him. All I get told is to mind my own damn business but I have a feeling he won’t use that line on you.”
“So he doesn’t know why he gets them? Or even what they are? It just doesn’t make any sense.” I shook my head – confused, dumbfounded and more worried about him than I’ve ever been about anyone in my life. “Doesn’t he understand he’s putting himself and everyone else in danger? He shouldn’t be driving for God’s sake,” I rambled. “Jesus Christ, what is he thinking?”
“He’s a stubborn bleeder. But he’s never had a reason to face this… until now. Until you. You’re good for him. He adores you.” And I’m having a baby. He has to sort this for his son or daughter’s sake. “I think you could be just what he needs, because fuck knows he sure as shit refuses to take notice of me.”
“So you think he’s at home now?”
“Yeah, I’d say so. I wouldn’t bother him just yet. He’ll either be out of it or sleeping it off. Give him a few hours. He’s going to need a clear head when he finds out you know about this.”
“You know something, Mick? You’ve always come across as one of the most miserable, bad-tempered arseholes I’ve ever met. But… you’re really not so bad are you?”
“Shh. Don’t tell anyone,” he whispered, winking at me. It was in that moment I saw a flash of Jared in him for the first time. It’s their eyes – they are the same twinkling shade of green when they wink.
“Thank you for telling me everything.”
“Someone needed to.” Yeah – and it should have been Jared. “Need a lift home? It’ll only take a minute for me to throw some clothes on.” Don’t worry – he had a dressing gown on.
“No really. You get back to bed or whatever you would usually be doing at this time. I’ll call a taxi.”
“If you’re sure.” Wow. People don’t usually back down so easily. It’s like they feel this compulsive need to ‘care in the community’. “Do you want me to call Jared? Give him a heads up?”
“No. I think it’s best if I deal with him. But thanks anyway.”
“Sure. Well, take care, love.” Mick walked me to the door and I left him to it. Then, instead of calling for a taxi I made my way to the black cab rank around the corner. I decided while riding in the back of it, I would make my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and instead, got the taxi to wait outside my flat while I nipped inside for my books and then headed to Uni.
Why did life have to get so damn complicated? And why does it have to be at a time I don’t have a best friend to share it all with?
Fuck my life right now. Just… fuck it.
**********
“Hey, baby,” Jared said with a smile that tickled my heart when he opened the door to his flat. I made my way to his living room and he trailed behind after closing the door. “I’ve missed you today,” he whispered against my lips before his tongue attempted to tease its way into my mouth. I turned my neck, and he stood up straight, looking concerned.
“I’ve pissed you off haven’t I? Leaving this morning. I’m so sorry, saffy. I just-”
“Did you get the order sorted or whatever it was Mick asked you to do?”
“Um yeah. I hung around a little while to re-stock behind the bar then I got a mother of a migraine and came home to sleep it off.”
“That must be why you were gone when I got to the pub.” Jared’s expression fell from his face and was replaced by a look of stark alarm. “Less than an hour after you left my place.”
“He told you didn’t he?” he murmured shamefully before slumping down onto the sofa.
“Why didn’t you, Jared? Why did you think that was something I didn’t deserve to know about?”
“Because it’s no big deal,” he griped, seeming altogether frustrated as he ripped his fingers through his hair.
“No big deal? Are you fucking kidding me? Jared – this is your health we’re talking about. It needs sorting. You can’t just keep ignoring this!”
“I don’t need anything sorting. It’ll go on its own eventually.”
“And how do you know that? You sneak off to Uni and get a doctorate in medical science you’re not telling me about?”
“Don’t get smart on me, Rach. I’ve Googled it.”
“Google? Seriously? Jesus Christ, Jared…” I breathed out, growing agitated. “You might not even need to see a stranger, if that’s even your issue. Your parents are doctors right?”
“My parents will not find out about this. Do you hear me, Rach? You’ll tell no one about this.”
“Oh will I not?” Who the fuck did he think he was barking orders at.
“Please, Rachel. I don’t want them knowing.”
“What’s your problem, Jared? I’m really struggling to understand here. You break a bone, you go to the hospital. You get an infection, you go to the doctor and get a prescription. How is this any different? What are you afraid of?”
“Because I don’t WANT this! Okay? I don’t want anything confirming. I don’t want to spend my life on medication. I don’t want them to take my driving licence from me and leave me dependant on other people and other means. And I sure as hell don’t want anyone looking or treating me differently.
“And that is why I couldn’t tell you this! I look at you and everything you deal with everyday. You face a thousand challenges in every twenty-four hour period a
nd you adapt – you manage… you cope. People stare at you, they treat you different – I’ve seen it. But you plod on – you see past it. Well I can’t, Rach! I don’t want that for me! And I don’t need pointing out what a selfish bastard that makes me when you deal with it every single fucking day. And you know what? I’m so proud of you. But me? I’m weak, Rach. I can’t deal with that shit.”
“But… people can see what’s wrong with me. No one needs to know about your illness if you don’t want them to. I’m sorry, Jared but you’re making excuses. You can’t put my disability in the same category as yours.”
“I know that,” he said solemnly. “And that’s why I don’t expect you to understand, and why I feel like such an arrogant fucker for comparing it. But whatever you might think, it does make me weaker. It makes me vulnerable. If people find out they take advantage. I’m not risking that. I won’t.”
“Are you talking about the night Mick found you beat up outside the pub? Because that could’ve happened to anyone. There are all kinds of malicious twats out there, Jaz. The chances of that happening again are close to none.”
“Wow,” he breathed – laughing sardonically. “Had a right good gossip about me didn’t he?”
“Oh don’t be so obtuse. He’s fucking worried about you! We’re going to make you an appointment with a doctor and we’re going to get this thing treated.”
“No.”
“No? What the fuck do you mean, ‘no’?”
“I mean, I deal with it well enough on my own. I’m not making any appointment, Rachel.”
“Are you seriously that fucking selfish?”
“Selfish? This has nothing to do with you! Or anyone else. It’s my problem and I’ll cope with it however I damn well choose.”
“Nothing to do with me? Seriously? What about this baby in here, eh?” I barked, rubbing my belly. “Nothing to do with her either? So it won’t affect her if her daddy has some kind of seizure while he’s out driving and runs himself off the road and into a fucking tree? Or what if she’s in the car with you huh? You kill the pair of you. That nothing to do with me either?”
“You’re being dramatic. I get warnings. I’m careful.”
“And how do you know it’ll always be like that? You don’t even know what it is you’re dealing with. So you cannot tell me there won’t be a time when you don’t get a warning. You’re going to be a father, Jared. I just can’t believe you would choose to be so selfish and irresponsible, and I’m not going to stand by and watch you put yourself in so much danger.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, leaning forward and resting his elbows on top of his knees.
“It means… if you don’t get help with this then I’m gone.” Fuck that stung. I hadn’t even planned to say it but the second it passed my lips I knew it was the only option. “I can’t sit at home knowing you’re out driving and worrying whether you’re going to come home to us or not.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re being ridiculous. Eight years, Rach. I’ve been dealing with this for eight years!”
“You’ve been lucky for eight years. You shouldn’t be driving, Jared.”
“Bollocks. I know what I’m capable of and I won’t have some stupid illness dictate what I can and can’t do.”
“So you’re really going to let your stubbornness ruin this? Ruin us?”
“That won’t happen. I told you I would make you trust me and I will. This doesn’t change anything.”
Shaking my head and blinking away the threat of tears, I started wheeling towards the door.
“Whoa, where are you going?” he asked in a panic, jumping to his feet and grabbing hold of my shoulder.
“I meant what I said, Jared. Give me a call if you ever manage to prize your head out of your arse.”
“Rachel wait,” he said when I began to move away from him. “Please! You’re blowing this all out of proportion!”
“No, Jared. What I’m doing is putting our baby first. She needs a daddy who’d do anything to make sure he’s there for her when she grows up. Someone who puts her before his own fears. When you’re prepared to be that man, we’ll talk some more.”
And with that, I carried on my way towards the lift and left. I heard a heavy sigh escape his body but he didn’t come after me. As I made my way home, fighting against the urge to cry the whole way, waves of fear rippled through my body… what if he never came after me? What if this was it?
Turning my key in the lock of my front door, I opened my eyes and let my tear banks burst. I don’t think I stopped crying until I finally fell asleep on the sofa God knows how many hours later.
Chapter Fourteen
Rachel
Four days. That’s how long it’d been since I last saw Jared. I didn’t hear from him at all until the morning after I left. He tried calling but I ignored it, so then he started texting. Not once did he say what I needed him to – that he would get the help he needs, so I ignored those too. I did text him yesterday however to let him know I have a doctor’s appointment next week. He replied saying he would be there, which is fine by me. I would never stop him from being involved with our baby.
My morning deliveries of rose petals have stopped. Most likely because I shoved them back in the delivery guy’s face two days ago and told him if he ever brought me any more I would shove the box up his arse sideways. Poor sod looked mortified. He was in the right place but at the wrong time I guess. But I’m pretty certain he won’t dare bring me flowers of any kind again.
I had a day off Uni today, which technically I was supposed to use to study, but instead I decided to go shopping. I contemplated texting Holly to come too, but then decided I’d rather be alone to wallow in peace. I’d just slung my bag over my shoulder when it came – the call. The phone call it felt like I’d been waiting for forever.
Pulling my phone from my bag, the name ‘Emily’ flashed up on the screen. I stared at it for a few seconds while I tried to decide whether or not to answer. What would I say to her after all this time? She’d been ignoring me for weeks and I was royally pissed off with her. But in the same breath, I missed her. I needed her. Yet I couldn’t expect her to be there for me with everything she had going on in her own life could I?
When I eventually caved and swiped across the screen to answer, I genuinely didn’t know how I was going to react to the sound of her voice until I heard it.
“Hello?” Turned out it was going to go along the lines of me coming across as a complete bitch. I never greeted Em with ‘hello’. She has always been my ‘ho’ and I knew just that one little word – hello – would alert her to the fact I was angry. And I was angry… and hurt… and in desperate need of a cuddle from her.
“I um, just wanted to let you know I was back. I’m staying with Chris for a while until I get my head together.”
“So how long have you been back?” I asked, knowing damn well she’d been back for weeks.
“Not long.” How did things go so wrong between us? Emily is so much more than my best friend. She is like my sister – my family. And yet here she was, lying to me.
“Really?” I questioned sceptically. “Two months seems a pretty long time to me.”
“You knew?”
“Chris called me,” was all I said. I wanted to cry from missing the sound of her voice so much but my stubbornness wouldn’t let me push past the frustration I felt with her.
“Oh.” An uncomfortable silence that seemed to last three weeks and a day passed between us before Emily finally muttered, “I’m sorry.”
“So you know how long you’ll be up north? Or do I need to start looking for a new flatmate?”
I was being a bitch and I knew it. But I needed her and she wasn’t here, and there was no one else to take it out on.
“Please don’t be like that. I’m sorry, Rach. I really am.”
“I’m not being like anything, Emily. I can’t afford the rent on my own. I couldn’t even afford to go out for my birthday last we
ek.”
The birthday you forgot…
And yeah, maybe I skipped the part where Jared took me out on purpose to make her feel bad for forgetting.
“Crap, Rach I’m so sorry. I completely forgot.”
No shit, Columbo…
“I’m over it,” I said emotionlessly – even though inside, I felt so many different, overwhelming emotions it was making me dizzy.
“Please Rachel. I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch but I can’t bear the thought of you hating me for it. You’re my best friend. I love you and I need you right now.”
“Yeah? Well I needed you too. You’re not the only one with shit going on you know.”
“I’m sorry. I suppose I thought you were doing okay because you had Jared now.”
“Yeah well, that’s going nowhere. I’m pretty sure he’s screwing around on me and hey, who can blame him?” What the fuck did I say that for? Seriously, I have no idea. I suppose selfishly, I wanted her to know I was in a bad place, but didn’t have the balls to admit why.
“No! He wouldn’t do that to you. He’s a good guy. And what do you mean who could blame him?”
“Forget it. I’m over that too. Look I gotta go. Let me know if you ever plan on coming back in case I need to make room for you.”
“Rachel please…”
“Bye, Emily.”
And then I hung up on her. For the first time in our lives as best friends, I cut her off. Then, for the millionth time in the last few days, I put my head in my hands and bawled like a baby.
**********
I didn’t much feel like shopping after speaking to Emily, so I stayed at home and moped instead. I contemplated calling her back, apologising and telling her how much I missed her – even went as far as picking up my phone and hovering my finger over her name. But… I backed out. Every damn time. Whether it was anger, pig-headedness or just pure cowardice I’ll probably never know.
It was late in the afternoon when I decided to give up being conscious and take myself to bed. If I was asleep I wouldn’t be miserable. I took a long shower first, letting the water wash over my tired skin until it ran cold. Then I changed into my cupcake nighty and pulled back my duvet…only to be interrupted by a knock at the front door.
