“Cal, I can’t do this with you now. I’ve got to be up early for work—”
“You’re going back to work?” She laughs.
“What do you want me to do?” I say, frustrated.
“I want you to stop acting like everything is fine,” she replies, her tone harsh. “Admit that you’re sick and take care of yourself. Or let us take care of you.”
“And then what?” I demand, warm tears burning my eyes. “I’m sick. Dying. Whatever. I have two choices, Cal: I sit around and take care of myself, then die—or I live the fuck out of the time I have left, then die. The ending doesn’t change, does it?”
She’s quiet, and for the first time I think I might’ve gotten through to her.
“Come over tomorrow, okay? I’ll call Mel and Nora, and you can help me go through the four thousand replies I have to read through.”
“Four thousand?” Calli squeaks. “You’ve had that many responses to your ad? Holy shit.”
“I know,” I giggle. “I can’t even believe four thousand people read my ad, let alone replied.”
“Okay Ez,” Calli sighs. A pang of guilt stabs at me over how tired she sounds. “Get the girls together and I’ll bring the wine. See you tomorrow. Love you, Panda,” she adds, using the nickname she’s had for me since we were kids.
I smile, thinking how easy things were back then. I knew nothing of life and death, other than that my amazing family and the people I loved were invincible. Back then, my biggest problem was making sure my shoes matched the rest of my outfit. I did everything right, and things still turned out all wrong. I’ve spent the last twenty-four years following every rule and never pushing the boundaries, and I’m determined to change that.
“Love you too.”
Chapter Two
Cade
“I’m not sure that you understand how serious this is, Mr Wilson.”
It’s Monday morning, and the advisor that has been appointed to my case glances at me over the rim of his glasses as I shift in my seat. His voice cracks, and coupled with his skinny frame and spotty complexion I’m wondering if he’s just hitting puberty. I scowl at him and sit forward. There’s something extra special about having my arse handed to me by someone who looks like he’s barely out of high school.
“You’ve missed too much. I can’t just pass you off when you haven’t been here to do the work.”
Four years of hard work, all for nothing, because of my own fucking stupidity.
I thought I had a handle on it, but even I can’t kid myself any longer. I’m in deep shit. The worst thing is that failing my course is the least of my worries. I’m much more concerned about the two-hundred-kilo tattoo-covered thug who I’m sure is going to break my legs if I don’t come up with fifty grand by Monday. And then there’s Bella, but I can’t even think about that right now.
“Cade,” he barks, clearly annoyed. “You should be sitting here begging me to help you, not with your head God knows where. What’s with you?” He flicks through my file, shaking his head.
My fists clench as I try to rein in my anger, because all I want to do is wipe the look of disbelief off his face. He thinks he’s so much better than me.
“You were on a distinction average until last semester. What happened?”
I shrug, agitated as I fiddle with my hands. What’s the point in spilling all my problems when I’m beyond help? There’s nothing he can do to fix this. I’m fucked. Simple as that.
“I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.” He shrugs, getting to his feet.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mutter, speaking for the first time since I got into his office. “I’m in some trouble, but I’m trying to work things out.”
“Try harder,” he replies, as if it’s that bloody easy. “Because I tell you, your options are limited. You’ve failed the same class three times. The disciplinary board are on the verge of stepping in, and not to mention the failed classes are going to be costing you a fortune in fees.” He glances at his watch and sighs. “I have a meeting to get to. Think about it, and let me know what you want to do. If you want my advice, take some time off, get your head clear, and then come back and finish what you’ve been working so hard to achieve.” He shrugs on his jacket and escorts me out the door. “It’s your life, Cade. Your move.”
Well shit. Nothing like being brushed off by a kid on a power trip to ruin your day.
I sink down onto the sprawling green lawn just outside of the main entrance to Callatt University, Melbourne, which has been my home for the past four years. I pick up my phone from the grass in front of me and scroll through the contacts. There are so many people who are going to be disappointed in me. My parents—my father in particular. My brother. And of course, Bella. Three missed calls from her already, that I don’t plan on returning because I can’t face her today.
All these people I’ve been lying to, pretending everything is fine, when in reality my life is spiralling out of control. I’ve told so many lies, I’ve lost track of what’s real and what’s not. I’m months behind on my rent. I owe friends thousands of dollars—who wouldn’t for a second think that I’d be involved in gambling. Not Cade Wilson, son of one of Melbourne’s top cardiac surgeons, Professor Alec Wilson.
I let out a low, gravelly laugh. My father is going to fucking murder me. I can’t even imagine the disappointment of having a son kicked out of medical school because of a gambling addiction.
I’m supposed to follow in his footsteps. There has never been any other option—not that I wanted one. As much as I wanted to rebel against his demands, medicine was my dream too. I go to the best schools, get the best results, and I end up where he is: one of the best surgeons in the world. I felt the pressure to succeed as a five-year-old and now it’s just as strong, just as debilitating. It suffocates me because it’s everywhere. I can’t escape. I can’t breathe. If I’m not who he wants me to be then I’m not worthy of his attention. The problem is, what happens when even that isn’t enough? I could be everything he asks of me and he’d still find reason to be disappointed.
“There you are.”
I tense as Bella wraps her arms around my neck, her lips touching my cheek in a friendly kiss, just like she always does. As if nothing has changed. She flops down next to me, laying her head in my lap. Her warm brown eyes sparkle up at me as I plaster a smile on my face that I hope is convincing.
“Hey,” I murmur. I stroke a stray dark curl away from her eyes as she studies me intently. How can she pretend like nothing has happened? Did being with me mean that little to her?
“You okay? I called you this morning. I need to speak to you about something.”
Good conversations never begin like that. I haven’t even heard what she has to say, and I can already tell it’s not going to be good. I guess that’s what I get for being in love with someone I can never have.
“If this is about what happened, I already told you I’m not going to tell him,” I say quietly. As much as I want her, as hard as it is to see her with him and know I’ll never have what they have, I’m not going to ruin her life.
I met Bella in high school. I still remember her walking into my class and taking the only free seat in the room, next to me. We became friends, and every moment I spent with her pushed me further into the most serious teenage crush I’d ever experienced. There had been girls before her, but I’d never had another person occupy my every thought. I told myself that once she got to know me, she’d feel the same way. She had to. We had so much in common, and we would talk about everything.
Then I made the mistake of introducing her to my brother. Two years older than me, he had everything I didn’t, right down to the love and respect of our father. It wasn’t long until he had her too. I never actually told her how I felt, and then it was too late. I was stuck as her friend, her boyfriend’s brother. I pushed myself into a corner that I knew I’d never be able to pull myself out from. Seven years later I’m still there, only things got
a whole lot more complicated five weeks ago.
“I know you wouldn’t tell him, Cade. That’s not what this is about…” She hesitates, as if she’s weighing up whether or not to tell me something. “I’m…I think I’m pregnant.”
I sit forward, my stomach churning like all the breath has been sucked out of me. Did I hear her right? I couldn’t have heard her right, because that would mean…
“I’ve been going over this in my head, whether I should tell you or wait till I know for sure, but I needed to tell someone. Maybe I should’ve waited till after my doctor’s appointment, when I know for sure.” She laughs, her repetitiveness showing me how nervous she is.
“You’re sure it’s mine?” I ask.
She shoots me a look and I wince, because I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.
“Sorry.”
She waves her hand and manages a smile. “I don’t blame you for asking me that. I’ve made a mess of everything, haven’t I?”
“You’ve made a mess of nothing,” I promise her. I take her hand in mine and give it a squeeze. “Baby or no baby, we’ll get through this together. Okay?”
She hesitates and sits up, her long legs tucked under her as she faces me. “There isn’t going to be a baby, Cade. If it turns out I am pregnant, then it’s just a bunch of cells that I will take care of. I can’t have a kid. Not yet.” She chooses her words carefully. Her gaze drops, a frown moving across her lips as her chin wavers slightly. “And not with you.”
My throat tightens. I know she’s right, but the words slice through my heart like a rusty old knife. Not with me. Does that mean if it was his baby, she’d be considering it?
“Why would you even bother telling me then?” I say. I can’t help the anger that’s rising in my chest. It’s anger that should be directed at myself, for not being stronger when she came to me five weeks ago. She needed a friend and I took advantage of that. Any hurt I’m feeling right now, I deserve.
“Because I couldn’t not tell you. You’re my best friend. And as part of this whole situation, I thought you might be there for me no matter what I decide.”
“Of course I’m going to be there for you,” I reply. I feel like a world-class jerk. Now she thinks I expected her to keep this to herself and deal with it alone, which is something I would never do. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. This is a lot to get my mind around.” I glance at her. How long has she known? She’s pretty set on her decision. Was it an easy one for her to make? “If you need time to think about your options…our options. If you’re worried about me not supporting you and the baby, you’re wrong.”
“I know you’d support me, but I can’t…” She breaks off, not meeting my eyes. But she doesn’t have to say any more; her body language is telling me everything. “I still love him, Cade. I know I’ve put you in a horrible position, and I’d do anything to take back that night, but nothing changes the fact that I still love him.”
Would I take back that night? If I’m honest with myself, I know the answer is I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have done it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not glad it happened. None of it matters, though, because I’m not him. As much as I’d do anything for her, I can’t make her be in love with me. She’s always been Noah’s.
Not even carrying my child is going to change that.
**
Throwing my bag down on the floor just inside the door of my apartment, I text my mother to cancel my attendance at our weekly dinner. I can’t deal with her tonight. My father never attends, and Noah has never been invited. It’s something we’ve done, just the two of us, for as long as I can remember. As if she’s trying to make up for my father.
Regardless, I can’t sit there tonight and pretend that everything is okay when nothing is as it should be. I check the time, knowing I’m running out of time to lay my bet for the next race. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, I slump down on the couch and reach for my laptop. If I didn’t owe cash to nearly everyone in my betting circle, I’d be down at the track, pretending to myself that I don’t have a problem. It’s just a hobby. I can stop anytime I want to. It’s no different to playing basketball or going fishing with a few mates. When I’m surrounded by others I can almost convince myself of that.
There’s something so shameful about gambling in private. It strips away all of the arguments and exposes me for who I am. So here I am, alone with my form guide and the fear that my life is slipping away from me, hoping like hell that my luck is about to change. Because it has to eventually, right?
The worst thing is, I know it won’t. I know this week’s sure thing is probably going to lose just like last week’s did. I spend hours with the form guide in my hands, convinced that if I study it hard enough I can’t possibly lose. The funny thing is that if I spent half as much time on my degree, the biggest thing on my mind right now would be deciding at which hospital I wanted to do my residency.
It wasn’t always like this. What started out as a way to escape some of the pressure I felt from my father had taken over my life. Now I live and breathe racing. Every moment is a moment closer to that next bet, and the thought of stopping is almost unbearable.
My phone rings. I glance at it, expecting it to be my mother, but it’s not. It’s Chris, my best friend. Chris and I have been friends for years. I’m closer to the guy than I am to my actual family—probably because I know he’ll have my back no matter what, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s a load of fun to be around.
“Dude, get your ass down to Pearson’s Bar, pronto. This place is swarming with chicks. I’m talking hot ones. Chicks in tiny skirts who are drunk off their tits and trying to bang anything that moves. I’m pretty sure even you could pick up.”
I chuckle, silently thanking him for his perfectly timed call. “On a Monday? And aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“Yes and I am. This is what happens when your new boss decides to buy his employees’ respect. Lunchtime clock offs and a shitload of free drinks.” The noise in the background is deafening. “Have I told you I love my job? Fuck medicine, man. The offer still stands. I can hook you up here.”
“Yeah, I can’t think of anything worse than…” I pause. “Hell, what is it that you actually do?”
“Whatever they fucking want me to,” he laughs. “The amount I get paid, I’d lick the sweat off my boss’s balls if he asked me to.”
“And thank you so much for that mental image,” I groan, laughing in spite of myself. I sit back and rub my head. Maybe going out for a few drinks isn’t the worst idea in the world. Anything to stop the thoughts from ticking over in my head. “Okay. Give me fifteen minutes.”
“And that’s why I love you, man.”
Still laughing, I end the call and quickly change my shirt before messing up my hair in an attempt to style it.
I grab my keys and wallet and head for the door. I’m just about to leave when I hesitate and glance back at the TV. One little bet won’t hurt. Before I can talk myself out of it, I’m back at my laptop spending the last three hundred dollars I have to my name. Since no bookie will touch me at the moment, I’ve been slowly dipping into the money my father gave me to cover next semester’s course fees. Three grand gone in the space of a week.
If only my father could see me now.
Chapter Three
Erin
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Mel laughs. She looks up from her iPad, her dark eyes sparkling. “Listen to this wanker. ‘Choose me and I’ll make sure your final moments are unforgettable. In case I’m not being clear, what I mean is that I will fuck you senseless.’” She lets out a shriek and drops the iPad, a look of horror on her pretty face. “God, he even sent penis picks. Do people have no shame? You’re a dying girl.”
“No way.” Nora lunges for the tablet, examining the evidence closely. “Is there a zoom on this thing?” she jokes.
Mel, Nora, and I have been friends since high school. We’re so different that I have no idea how we became friends, but somehow we click
ed. Our friendship was like some cliché teen movie: the adventures of the nerd, the beauty, and the sports freak. Ten years later, we’re still good friends. It’s Tuesday afternoon, and we are at my place going over the possible candidates for my trip. Both Mel and Nora were supportive when I told them, promising to help me find the perfect person to take with me.
“Be nice, girls,” I chastise, a smirk on my lips. “I’m sure—” I scan the email, “—Devon is a lovely man.”
“Sure, about as lovely as the dude who’s sewing you a jacket made out of cat skin,” Calli grumbles, taking another sip of her wine. I raise my eyebrows at her and she shrugs. “What? I’m being nice.”
“Hey, cat suit guy was Phillip, wasn’t he?” chimes in Nora, scanning her list.
She flips her hair over her shoulder and sighs, a look of concentration in her serious, dark eyes. Her exotic looks rival those any supermodel. Guys are forever checking her out, but she’s too focused on her microbiology studies to notice.
“So, he’s a no then? I had him as a maybe.”
“Steve, and yes, he’s a definite no,” Mel laughs, tossing a chip at Nora. “I mean, I know she’s on the way out anyway, but we don’t want her to end up in some guy’s basement—”
“Will you stop that?” Calli growls, jumping to her feet. Her hands shake as she clenches them into tight fists by her side.
“What?” Mel asks, confused.
“You know what I mean,” Calli says, her voice more in control. “The stupid little jokes about her dying. It’s not funny. None of this is funny, yet you’re all sitting here laughing, like you’re planning a fucking wedding.”
“Why don’t you explain to us how we are supposed to act, then?” Mel interjects. “Excuse me for giving her what she obviously needs right now.”
“What she needs right now is to give up on this silly little plan to go gallivanting around the world with some guy she just met.”
“What I need,” I growl, cutting in, “is help sorting through these emails. If you can’t do that without being catty, then you can both leave. Okay? Okay?” I growl when neither of them answers. They both mutter a reply, which I take as a yes, and sit back down. “So, how many legitimate possibilities am I up to?”
Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts Book 4) Page 3
