“Of course, it helps a boat weather the storm, keeps them grounded.”
“Exactly, baby girl, it keeps them grounded.”
I look at her with the most confused look that she snorts and shakes her head.
“Okay, doll face, think of it this way. When you find the one love of your life, that person will not be your anchor. Well, at times he will be, but he will be your compass, your North Star, sweetie. He will be your guide home. A ship doesn't want to be held down, it wants to sail the ocean waters, and it wants to have wind guide its sails.”
Her words hit me, they truly touch my soul. She is so right: the anchor keeps them grounded, I never thought of it like that. Camaron has always told me that I was his anchor, I was his best friend the one that kept him safe. I wasn't the wind in his sail or his compass; I was always the anchor. I keep weeding when I hear Axel's voice and look up to see him walking towards us.
Dinner was delicious; as expected, Ellie is truly great at everything she does. We sat around the table and I listened to Ellie talk about Axel growing up. When he was rebellious and when he tried to convince them that they were supposed to turn the clocks back two hours, not one. I couldn't help but laugh as he really thought that it would work.
“It would have worked if I remembered to unplug the television. I forgot that they always reminded you before ending the broadcast,” Axel laughs as he is takes a drink.
“Oh it wouldn’t have worked either way, Axel, we are not that naive. We would laugh at all of the scams you would come up with to get your own way. Sometimes your Pop would bet me what you would come up with next. I always won,” she looks over at me and winks.
“What would you win?” I had to know as I kept laughing every time I looked at Axel and he looked wounded.
“Oh, I won a lot. I actually won the deck; the one that Axel built for me. ”
“You won it?” Axel looks shocked with what she is saying and he is trying really hard not to show his smile.
“Oh boy, yes, I did. Pop told me that you wouldn’t have had a care in the world about leaving your home to come and live with us. I told him that my boy has a heart pure as gold. That, even though your momma was a bit rough around the edges, you were loyal to the core and you loved with your soul. The night you came here, Pop caught you looking out the window just staring at the empty house. He stood there next to you for a while. He came into the kitchen where I was cleaning up after dinner and said that when you looked him in the eye, he could see you were fighting back tears, but you still looked him in the eye and told him that you would make us proud. What you didn't realize at the time, son, is you already did make us proud. You were the son I was never able to give him. After that night, we stopped betting as he realized that I, Elleanor Martinelli, am always right. The next day he was smart enough to incorporate that deck into a lesson so that he didn't have to be the one to do all the manual labor.” With that Ellie took her glass, tipped it, and said, “Cheers.”
I can’t help it, I bust out laughing. I can't control my laughter and I have tears falling down my face looking at Axel who is just shocked. His mouth is hanging open, he is speechless. He looks over at me with a questioning look. “You think this is funny?”
I can't even speak; all I can do is nod and cover my mouth as I am trying to control my laughter. It really isn't working though. “I busted my butt all summer and he never lifted a finger. He lost the bet but I had to do all the work? Nice.”
He is laughing now.
“Hey, what can you say? My husband was a very smart man and really, Axel, you did learn your lesson, did you not?”
“Yes, Ma, I did.”
“Did you not check off almost all of the buckets that were on your list?”
“Yes, Ma, I did.”
“What list are you all talking about?”
Ma puts her glass down and starts to cut each of us a slice of apple pie that she also instructed me on making. I was so proud that it actually came out right. I may be good at cooking but baking, yeah, that is a whole different story.
“Oh dear, a bucket list. Things that you want to do and achieve in your life. Pop and I asked Axel to list ten things that were important to him that he would want to have accomplished and he has accomplished most of them. Once all of your lessons are completed, you too, my dear, will need to come up with a bucket list; start thinking about the ten buckets now.”
“Wow that is a great idea. What was on your list, Axel?”
He looks at me and he has that smirk on his face. “Oh, Samantha, if I told you that . . . then I would have to kill ya.”
“Come on, Axel, share at least one with me.”
He makes a thinking face and makes me wait. Finally, Ellie swats him across the head.
“Boy, give her one of them already.”
He takes his hand and rubs his head, pretending that Ellie just hurt him. “Ow, Ma, watch that; you are one tough cookie, you could have damaged my hair.”
Shaking her head all she replies with is a “Psh.”
“One of my buckets was to graduate from college with a degree in business and art. I am happy to say that I was able to check that one off the list.”
“That you did, son, that you did.”
Ellie stands up, pats him on the head, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “Well, kids, you two don’t stay up long; Axel, you drive safe going home. This old lady is off to bed as we have to wake up early for breakfast and our walk.” With that, she walks over to me and kisses my head and whispers, “You are a beautiful, strong woman, Sam,” and continues to head to her room.
With Ellie gone, the silence grew. I fiddled with my glass when Axel finally broke the awkward silence.
“How are you doing? Really?”
I looked up and saw his dark eyes filled with sincerity, he truly was concerned.
“You know, don't you?” My stomach drops, it drops like a ton of bricks. He grabs my hand from across the table and holds it tight.
“I spoke to Camaron and he’s devastated that he did that to you. He fucked up and he knows it. Hell, he’s barely functioning.” He hasn't let go of my hand and the strange thing is I really don't want him to, it feels . . . natural.
“He sent a message, well, actually a ton of messages, but one said that you kicked his ass. Did you?” He looks down and starts to bite his lip, he looks like he is trying to figure out what to say.
With that same smirk, he looks up at me and says, “I wouldn't say I kicked his ass, I merely taught him a lesson.”
“You taught him a lesson? By hitting him?”
“Yeah, that is what I am saying; I taught him a lesson by physical contact.”
I laugh as he is trying to make it sound better.
“It's nice that I can make you laugh, Samantha,” he says as he is laughing himself.
After the laughing dies down, I change the subject, Camaron was just a sore spot that I can’t discuss not at this time.
“What else was on your bucket list?”
He let go of my hand and motioned to me, asking if I needed a refill, which I gladly accept.
“Well, you know, just your basic dreams.”
“Your basic dreams? Like what? You are avoiding me here, Axel? Tell me.”
He turns around at the refrigerator and winks at me. He heads back in and places the lemonade in front of me, then sits right next to me.
“Like I said, I put graduate from college. I also put own my own business. Things like that.”
“What bucket hasn't been checked off?”
“Hmm . . . to skydive over the Grand Canyon.”
“Really . . . wow, that would be pretty wicked.”
“Yup, that it would be.”
I yawned as the day and the stress is finally hitting me; with that Axel stood. “Okay, you look exhausted, so I’ll be leaving. Let me know if you need anything, alright?”
I stand up, walk him to the door, and continue to his car. “I will.”
When w
e reach the car, Axel walks around to the driver’s side and looks at me across the top.
“Good night, Samantha.”
He opens the door and is about to get in and drive away, but I need to know.
“Hey Axel, why did you do it?”
He looks up and knows exactly what I am asking. He looks at me with such confidence with such a sharp stare that I get some butterflies in my stomach.
“I did it because you matter, Samantha. You matter to me. Go lock the door and have sweet dreams, beautiful.”
With that, he winks, gets into the car, and backs down the driveway. He doesn't leave until I am in the house; I watch him leave, then turn the light off. I head up to the room, lie on the bed, and think about what I need to do. I grab my phone, pull up the messages from Camaron, and hit reply.
Camaron-
I wanted to let you know that I am ok. I am sorry that I worried you, but I just had to leave. I really need to figure myself out. I am not strong enough to stay and pretend that all is well. I need to find me again. Take care of yourself, Camaron.
~Sam
I am nervous hitting send, but I have to suck it up and just send it. I also send Allen, Paul and Carrie a text as well. I want them to know that I am okay and that I appreciate that they had accepted me into their family. With Carrie, I gave a little more. I ask her to please keep it to herself, but I tell her where I am and how Ellie is teaching me how to become me again. After all of the texts and messages, I am exhausted but my brain won’t stop, so I sit in front of the typewriter, close my eyes and start to type.
The touch of the keys feels like heaven. With each clink and clank, I come to life. I pour my heart and my soul through those keys. I let everything out: my love for Camaron, the friendship that we share, every little detail I put onto paper. I can’t stop, the more I cry the more my fingers move. Ellie gave me a pass on the walk the next morning once she saw the stack of papers next to me when she walked into my room. I must look like a hot mess as I didn't sleep a wink.
She put her foot down when I tried to type through lunch, she literally threw a pillow at my head. I go downstairs and am surprised to see the table covered with bananas. Yep, at least forty bananas, bright yellow bananas to completely black bananas.
“Oh, there you are, my dear; come help me. How is everything coming along with your book? I hear you typing away up there, I am so proud of you.”
I head over and sit down next to her in front of all the bananas.
“It's actually going really well. It seems like it’s flowing from me. Just don't think that I have what it takes to do this full time.”
“Why would you think that, dear? I hear you pounding away up there, it seems like you are on a roll and very determined.”
“Yeah, I am, but I don't know.”
“‘I don't know’ is your answer? Dear, do you know why there are forty bananas on this table?”
I start to chuckle and grab one and motioning to her asking if I could eat it.
“I have no idea; I was actually wondering that when I walked in.”
“Banana bread.”
“Banana bread? You need 46, well 45, bananas to make banana bread?”
“Oh no, dear, I will just need a few but here lies another lesson.”
“Aw, I see; what lesson will I learn by all of these bananas?”
“Well, you see dear, when you look at all these bananas which one would you choose for making bread?”
I look at her and look down at the table and ponder her question. “Well, I would pick these nice yellow bananas.”
She smiles at me like she knew I would pick them.
“I see . . . may I ask you why you would pick those bananas?”
“Well, because these bananas are gorgeous. They are nice deep yellow and have no bruising and are simply perfect.” With that I take the last bite of my perfect banana.
“I see dear, but what you need to remember is that perfect is in the eye of the person. For a baker who is looking to make bread, they would not want the yellow ‘perfect’ banana. They would want these.”
She pointed to the group of black bananas. “Now these bananas are perfect to a baker.”
“The black ones? Ellie I think those are ready to be thrown away.”
She covers her mouth and gasps like I just said the most horrible thing ever.
“Oh, heavens no. These bananas are perfect. They are the right banana to put in the bread. They have the most taste and the best texture. Mix them with all the other ingredients and you will have a little piece of heaven. You see, dear, my lesson is this: just because you think something is perfect doesn't mean that it’s perfect to everyone. Some people like the yellow banana, some like the green ones and, lastly, some would rather the black banana. It doesn't matter what banana you are, the right person will look at you and see perfection. Do you understand me, doll face?”
Once again, her simple words hit my soul. I have tears in my eyes and I simply nod.
“Yes, ma'am.”
She stand up and kisses my head.
“That’s good, dear. Now, bring the black bananas, I’m going to teach you how to make the most delicious bread you ever taste.”
It's been two weeks since I left my apartment and was brought to Ellie's. I can’t even put into words how this experience has impacted my life. I am ready to find me again. Camaron messages me every day, they go unanswered but I read each and every one of them. I still don't think I am able to face him yet; I know if I do, I’ll be sucked back into those baby blues and I’ll apologize for whatever reason and beg him to love me, to live our dream together. Yeah, I know I am pathetic right? Axel has been great, he truly has been a friend to me. He checks in everyday just to make sure that Ellie hasn't killed me with all of her lessons; I think it’s just an excuse to call and make sure I am all right, I know I was a big ol' mess and must have really freaked him out because he is truly concerned with how I am holding up. I don't see me getting over this if I am still hiding out here. I have to dry my eyes and try to find who I am and want to become. I sit down with Ellie for lunch and break the news of my flight.
“Ellie, thank you.”
“For what, dear?”
“For everything. For taking me in and helping me realize that I really need to be me again. Whoever that is. I bought my ticket to California, I leave on Sunday morning. I really appreciate everything you have done for me.”
“Well, I haven’t done anything, dear. It’s been my pleasure having you here. I would tell you to stay as long as you want but I know that would be selfish of me. I know you need to go and find that strong girl again. Hey, next time you come here, you will come because you want to, not because someone’s asked you to put your dreams on hold. You'll come back because you found your home here.”
She pats my hand and gets up to head to the kitchen.
“Sunday is only a few days away, I need to prepare.”
“Prepare for what?”
“Oh dear, for your barbeque. There is no way I am sending you out into this world on an empty stomach. The pricks will come and wish you well and then you can go on your way.”
The thought of the pricks coming here for a barbeque makes me nauseous. What if Camaron shows? What if Camaron shows with Roni? Oh, please, the thought alone has me losing my appetite.
I head back to my room, grab my phone, and message Gabby all the information on my arrival; she was nice enough to offer me her extra room. With what I have in savings, I will be able to pay rent and try and get this book off the ground with being her roommate.
Me: My flight is booked for this Sunday, I’ll be arriving at 2pm. If you can’t pick me up, I completely understand and will get another ride no worries.
Gabs: Whatev! You know I’ll be there with bells on :) see you soon.
I grab my notebook and decide that with this new move Ellie and Axel are right, I should come up with a list a bucket list of things that I want to accomplish. This way, I don’t lose
track of myself again.
Samantha Jacob's Bucket List
1. Write a novel and publish it
2. Make the NY Times Best Sellers list
3. Take a baking class
4. Become healthier. Join a gym and lose the weight
5. Get a tattoo
6. Get a new look
7. Find a man who will be worthy of my love. Someone who will look at me and see my true beauty.
8. Give Axel his skydiving bucket
9. Dedicate my first book to Ellie
10. Live life and enjoy every moment. STOP CRYING
I look over the list and am happy with what I came up with so far. I can always add more as I complete them. I grab my phone and text Carrie. Before I leave, I want one thing done by the pricks and Carrie can make that happen for me.
Me: Care Bear need your help
Carrie: OMG whats wrong?
Me: Sorry chica nothing just need you to tell me when I can come into the shop when Camaron isn't there.
Carrie: Anytime, Camaron hasn't been here.
Me: Really? Okay
Carrie: yeah, for the last 2 weeks he has been m.i.a. I don't think even Axel knows where he is.
Me: Okay, who has an opening?
Carrie: today? Let me check.
Carrie: Wait why do you need to get in?
Me: I want a tattoo.
Carrie: GET OUT!!! Seriously? Yay I am so freaking excited whoo hoo
Carrie: I can get you in with Axel at 7:00 want me to come and gettcha? we could grab a piece of pizza or something.
Me: Thank you that sounds great. I’ll see you then.
I am feeling sick. I am so nervous, just thinking about the needles that are going to pierce my skin, I am about to puke and I am not sure how Axel will take it when I show him what I want tattooed.
What the fuck! Its 6:30 and I am about to leave to head to Ma's like I have been for the last two fucking weeks and Carrie tells me I have an appointment scheduled at 7:00. She yells that to me as she is walking out the backdoor, saying she will be back soon. Again, WHAT THE FUCK! I have been picking up the slack as Camaron has fallen off the grid. He’s been holed up in his apartment for the past two weeks. I haven't seen or heard from him at all. We voted Carrie to go up and try to use the key to check on him but the bastard had the chain on so that was a no go. I go to my office to call Ma before this client comes in.
Guided Love (Prick #1) Page 19
