by Jane Abbott
She looked nervous. ‘I don’t know. It’s just I’ve never met a Watchman before. I’m interested, that’s all.’
Not as interested as I am in you. But I waited, drawing it out and teasing her to impatience, before saying, ‘Tell you what, I’ll give you three for three. You ask me three questions and then you answer three of mine. But choose carefully, Alex, coz you only get three.’
She didn’t hesitate; her first question was too quick, and too obvious. ‘Do you enjoy it?’
‘No,’ I replied. ‘It’s just a job, like yours.’
‘I don’t kill people for no reason,’ she retorted, forgetting herself.
‘I never kill for no reason. I kill because I’m told to, just like you’ll be told to. When that time comes, I suggest you drop whatever ideals you have and get on with it. Next question.’
She scowled, but didn’t argue. ‘What will you do when you finally leave the Watch? Because you can’t keep doing it forever, can you?’
I smiled. ‘That’s two questions, but I’ll let it pass. I won’t do anything. I don’t expect to survive my job. Not many of us do, you know.’
‘Then why –?’ But she didn’t finish, not wanting to waste the opportunity. After all, I’d already answered that question once before.
‘Last one, Alex. Make it count,’ I teased again, and her eyes narrowed.
‘Why do you hate the Guard so much?’
That one really surprised me, and I sat quietly for a while before answering. I could have told her anything and she’d have to take my word for it, but it wasn’t worth lying about. No one had ever asked me why before. I’d almost forgotten it myself.
‘When I was a kid, I saw a Guard beat a man to death. The man was nothing, just a market vendor, but the Guard stomped the living shit out of him, killed him right there, in plain view. And no one said anything. No one did a single fucking thing to stop him.’ I gave a short sigh, remembering. ‘That Guard was a man who killed for no reason, Alex.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said finally.
‘You’re really not very good at this, are you?’ I said, and at her startled expression, added, ‘At being something you’re not.’
Her eyes narrowed suddenly. ‘Is that your first question?’
‘Nope. Just an observation.’
I let her chew on that, watched her gaze shift and her shoulders straighten, like she was readying herself. There were plenty of things I wanted to ask her, but couldn’t. Not yet. So I adopted her strategy and started easy.
‘First up. You got any family?’
‘Just a brother.’
Her voice softened a little, and I guessed he was important to her. I decided it was worth wasting another question finding out more.
‘Is he a Guard too?’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. For a while now. But he’s not like that one you saw. He’s a good man. He’s the reason I joined.’
I thought about that. She’d said she’d joined to make a difference. Now it was because of her brother. Which answer was true? Maybe neither. Maybe both. As for her brother being a good man, I let that one go. The only good man I’d ever met was my grandfather, and he was long gone. I was fairly sure there were no good men left.
‘Last question,’ she said, relaxing a little, as I’d hoped.
‘What did Cade mean, back in the tunnel, when he said you’d know what to do?’
She didn’t blink, but her shrug was forced and her voice low. ‘Just reminding me to follow orders.’
‘Which are?’
‘Uh-uh. Only three questions, remember?’
‘Well played, Alex.’ She’d caught me out at my own game, though I smiled, making light of it. But when she smiled too, I longed to wipe it from her smug face. ‘Speaking of orders, those Guards of yours are gunna have to wait.’
Her smile faded. Job done. ‘What d’you mean?’
I stretched out my legs, along with the truth. ‘I mean, I’ve got a rebellion to put down. Kinda takes priority, you know? So if anything happens to those Guards before I can get to them, it’s not my problem.’
‘The Council might have something to say about that.’
‘Council’s not here, are they?’
‘The Council is everywhere, Watchman,’ she said. But my sudden stare alerted her. She’d said too much, and she smiled again, trying to cover her mistake. ‘Damn it. I should’ve used one of my questions to ask your name.’
‘Yeah, you should’ve,’ I agreed. Her strange remark would keep for another time. Lying down, I drew my cloak around me. ‘Get some sleep, Alex.’
At the edge of the hollow, she grumbled and rolled restlessly, trying to get comfortable in the cold, and I foresaw another disrupted night.
‘For fuck’s sake, get your arse over here,’ I snapped. ‘You’ll stay warmer if we sleep together.’ It took a minute for her to completely misunderstand and I almost laughed out loud. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not into boys,’ I told her. When she didn’t reply – because what could she say? – I added, ‘Suit yourself. But if you wake me tonight, for any fucking reason at all, I’ll kill you.’
Closing my eyes to her startled silence, I quickly fell asleep. I was used to the bitterness, the miserable discomfort, the hard ground with its pockets of dust and its sharp rocks. More importantly, I was accustomed to sleeping alone, without the warmth of another body to stave off any chill. And in the end that’s what woke me. But I didn’t kill her.
I don’t know when she’d changed her mind. I hadn’t heard her move, not even to use the pot, but at some point she’d crawled across and burrowed against me, sliding under my cloak. The tree trunk was behind me and Alex, with all her layers, was like another in front, and I was trapped. I lay still, my breathing shallow, enjoying her warmth. My face was pressed to the back of her head, and I could smell dust and the stale sweat of her hood. At some point I’d shifted, throwing an arm over her, and my hand was pressed to her stomach.
I spread my fingers slowly. Just a little ways up and I could cup her breasts. I knew they were there, somewhere under all those clothes. A handspan down and I’d be able to slide my fingers between her legs. The thought pushed blood to all the wrong places and I felt myself stiffen.
Fuck! But no.
I’d never just lain with a woman, not without doing what came naturally, and it felt odd not to take what was available. But I wasn’t yet ready to reveal what I knew about her. So I rested there with her against me and, tightening my grip, pulling her to me, I closed my mind to the possibilities and my ears to the voice that kept hissing, Jem, you fucking idiot, this ain’t part of the plan.
When I woke again she was gone, lying in her usual place a few feet away, and for a moment I wondered if I’d dreamed the whole thing. Then, remembering the warmth of her and feeling myself hard and aching, I knew I hadn’t.
It was just light, the sun beginning its slow climb up behind the mountains to reach the roof of the world. Deciding it was time, because we were running low on water, I dug a deep hole and lit a small fire under the pot, crouching to warm my hands over it, watching as the contents simmered and the cylinder slowly filled, drop by drop. The smell of burning wood was kind of comforting, but I kept an eye on the thin stream of smoke and, carefully heating a knife, scraped at my beard to cut it short again.
‘You could have lit this last night,’ Alex grumbled, moving close to sit cross-legged, holding out her hands while the rest of her shivered.
Good morning to you too.
‘We’ll do your pot next,’ I said.
I let her watch me with the knife and wonder why I hadn’t commented on her own lack of a beard. Coz she should have wondered. It was one of the most obvious things about her.
‘Sleep well?’ I asked her, when I’d finished.
She nodded. ‘I guess you did too, seeing I’m still in one piece.’ Real cheeky, but she’d keep.
‘Yep. Best sleep I’ve had for a while,’ I told her, smiling when she frowned. ‘You ready
to do some serious walking? If we move out early enough, we should be in reach of the settlement later tonight, and we can head in the next day.’
Her face lit up; she was over the travelling. And so was I, though for different reasons.
We waited only long enough for the water to cool before drinking some, storing the rest, and striking camp. I picked up the pace, pushing her on, and altered our direction slightly south so we’d enter by the main road, just like any other travellers. We stopped once to rest and refuel, before moving on again. She didn’t make any protest but I knew I was tiring her out, and I smiled whenever she stumbled or tripped, her soft curses getting more heated each time. Good. I needed her on edge, irritable enough to forget to be cautious.
Pulling up at last in a clearing atop a small bluff, I watched her find a spot and sink to the ground with relief. I reckoned we were less than a half-day’s journey to the settlement, and in the quiet I imagined I could make out the echoes of so-called civilisation. It’d been a few years since I’d been there, but at the end of the day the settlements were much the same: not as big as the Citadel, but just as dirty.
This one was larger than the others though, flourishing quickly with all the custom from the crews and Guards stationed at the Port, supplying drink and whores to a bunch of lonely men. But that wasn’t why it’d been established. Like the garrison in the northwest, the Hills had been set up to shield the Port from any northern raids. Later, with its proximity to the coast and all that saltbush and flax, as well as easier access to the water brought in on the Catchers, it’d evolved into a herding and farming district. They’d still kept the garrison though, its Guards poking around and harassing the herders, checking on every goat and grain stalk because they had fuck all else to do. Anything grown between the walls of the Citadel, as well as in the other settlements, was just a backup, a necessary supplement to the supplies brought down from the Hills; this was the place everyone depended on for survival, and the reason why even the smallest hint of an uprising was taken so seriously.
Unshedding her pack, Alex wiped her face on her sleeve, before looking around, getting her bearings; I watched her and said nothing. The mood was different, the air charged with expectation. I knew why, but maybe she did too, because when she finally spoke she sounded nervous.
‘Where are we, exactly?’
‘A few hours east of the main gate.’
She frowned a little, probably thinking of the settlement, with all its relative comforts and its safety, just within reach. Not yet, Alex.
‘What happens tomorrow? How do I find you when the time comes to rescue the Guards?’ she asked.
Crossing over, I crouched to face her, keeping close. ‘You don’t.’
‘But I need –’
‘No. We enter separately. You do your thing and I do mine. When I’m ready, I’ll let you know.’
Instead of shrinking back, she sat up straighter. ‘That wasn’t the plan.’
‘Maybe not yours. But it is mine. And you need to learn to follow orders.’
‘I have my orders. And they don’t come from you,’ she said, lowering her voice, digging in for a fight.
‘Fuck your orders. Unless you tell me what’s really going on, what you know, I’ll treat this job like any other. And that means I work alone.’
She eyed me, and the frown deepened to a mutinous scowl. ‘I can’t.’
‘Can’t or won’t?’
‘Both.’ But she sneered when she said it, and that was a mistake.
Flicking out a hand, I smacked her across the face, before throwing my weight forwards and pinning her beneath me, one forearm high across her chest, pressing her throat and choking her, my other hand feeling for the knife she wore at her hip. Drawing it out, I dug it into her side and she froze.
‘Now, let’s start again, shall we? What d’you know?’ My face was so close to hers, I only had to whisper the words.
‘Nothing,’ she gasped.
Easing the pressure on her throat a little, I prodded the knife just under her ribs, not enough to puncture but promising pain. ‘Like hell. Cade said you knew what to do. What d’you know?’ When she didn’t reply, I slid my arm down, over the swell of her breasts and squeezed gently. ‘Why are you here, Alex? Why you?’
I waited for her to cave, spill what I needed, maybe start pleading for her life, but she did none of those things. She didn’t seem shocked that I’d guessed, her eyes showed no fear, and when she shifted it wasn’t to struggle or beat me off, as I’d thought. It was slow and deliberate, the slightest lifting of her hips beneath me, rubbing my thigh. And I didn’t question it, because suddenly all I could think about was what was hiding under all those layers.
‘So will you kill me now, Watchman?’ she asked softly.
Shifting my weight, sliding a knee up between her legs, I pushed hard against her. ‘Not yet.’ Not just yet, Alex.
For a minute we lay there, me pressing her to the earth, our breath fogging the air between us in white puffs. She didn’t speak, just kept nudging into me, so soft, so suggestive, and making me so damned hard. I stared at her face, pale and grey in the moonlight; saw her mouth curve when she felt my stiffening cock. So I ground against her again, letting her feel it some more, and she moaned, parting her lips, drawing my gaze.
It was easy enough to fuck a girl, and there wasn’t much that was intimate about it, especially when you had to pay for it. But it’d been a long time since I’d kissed one. Too long. Alex’s mouth was right there, enticing and inviting. Still cupping her breast, kneading it, I used my knee to spread her beneath me. And I ignored that voice in my head, the one that kept screaming at me, Jem, be careful! This ain’t part of the plan.
Screw the plan.
Fuck Alex. That was a better plan.
But first I was going to kiss her.
I touched my mouth to hers and she sighed, breathing into me, sucking me down. Her lips were soft and cold and dry, salty but sweet too, and when she opened up to me and I tasted her, liquid silk with its promise of things to come, I ached to get inside her. Keeping the knife in place because I wasn’t a complete idiot, I shoved my other hand down between us, fumbling with the ties of her trousers. Her hand slid across my shoulders before she grasped the back of my neck and pulled me closer. A mating of mouths, hot and slippery wet, that pre-fuck dance of tongues; this was what I’d been missing. And it felt so damned good.
Wrestling the ties open, I yanked at her trousers, feeling with my fingers between her thighs, almost growling with pleasure when they slid so easily inside her. Then, for the second time that week, there was a cracking pain in my head, and the world blacked out.
Excerpt ~ Letter #5
Whenever we’re faced with something new, we can only measure it by what we already know. My first impression when we came to the Citadel was that we’d stumbled onto the set of an old end-of-world movie, but I know you won’t understand. You can’t, because you’ll never know the things I did. We are indeed from two different worlds and my memories are alien.
It was far from the Promised Land.
There were goats, certainly, and camels – many more than they’d seen at the garrison – and more people too, hundreds, maybe even thousands, just as there’d been in the camps, all of them hemmed in by a huge circular wall which was barely that: a precarious piling of anything that could be hoisted or thrown or carried, just junk on junk, snarled together, the tangle broken in four places by massive frames of timber or steel – in some places, both – that supported the gates. But aside from a few generators, used sparingly to light the nightly approach of enemies, it seemed there was no power, little fuel and food, and no water that hadn’t first been recycled and distilled.
As usual when faced with new circumstances, it was a case of last in least served, and it took them a while to settle, to find any kind of comfort in the presence of others who all appeared to know more and understand better, who had already found their places, who had duties to perform
and little time to waste inducting the newcomers. And perhaps they should’ve enjoyed that brief anonymity more than they did, because once processed they were given scant time to enjoy anything.
The welcome, when it came, involved little fanfare and took a whole morning, the rules listed tediously by two heavyset young men. Jeremiah, disliking them on sight, refused to be comforted, and bawled loudly through the entire process, making it even more tiresome.
The Citadel was run by the council. They made all the decisions, for the good of everyone. If Sarah or Daniel had a problem, they were to take it to the guards to sort out. That’s us, one of them said. We take care of everything inside the wall. Understood? Daniel and Sarah both nodded.
They’d be given a job to do, and they’d be expected to do it. Everyone worked and everyone helped. That’s the way it was and they’d soon get the idea. Understood?
There was a water allowance, half a vat for each of them – a vat, repeated one of the men, when Sarah asked; he offered nothing further – and they’d get a bit more for their work. They could waste it, if they were that stupid, or they could trade it for other things. Like food. Or blankets.
A barter system? Daniel asked, intrigued.
The guard’s smile was cold. Call it whatever you want, he said. They were still sorting out a few issues so no one could abuse it, but for now, it was what it was. Any changes, they’d be told. And expected to follow. Understood? Oh, and they might wanna get themselves a knife, the other man added. A big one, and sharp. Just in case. As suggestions went, it wasn’t very reassuring.
They’d had knives, Daniel pointed out. They’d been taken away.
The guards shrugged, and one said: Well, they would be, wouldn’t they?
So why can’t we just get them back? Daniel pushed.
Both men leaned in then, as though trying to menace. Coz you ain’t the only ones here. This place is ready to burst and that means we got no time to put up with any nonsense. You don’t like it, feel free to leave. We’ll even open those gates for you. We know you ain’t godders, else you wouldn’t be here, but don’t even think of converting, or getting any other fancy ideas. It’ll only make trouble, and we don’t like trouble. Do what you’re told, and everything will be just fine. You understand?
