by Jane Abbott
‘Don’t leave him here,’ I said, but Tate closed the door. ‘Tate? Tate! Fuck!’
Shuffling his feet, Connor was also staring at the door, probably wishing he was on the other side. But it was too late now. He was dressed, and I wondered who’d done that because he’d not have been able to do it himself. He looked stronger than when I’d last seen him, his face a little fuller, his eyes seeming even bigger than before.
‘What d’you want?’ I asked, tossing the report onto the cot and standing.
‘Tate said you’re leaving tonight.’ His small voice was unsure, like he didn’t quite trust the news.
‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Got things to do.’
‘Tate said you have to kill a bad man. You’re helping them and you’re gunna kill a bad man. Like you killed the Guard.’
‘Tate said,’ I mimicked. ‘Well, Tate’s right. Because that’s what I do, Connor. I kill people.’
That’s all I do.
Edging closer to the table but keeping his arms at his sides, he stared down at the bows. ‘Will you shoot him, like you did that Guard?’
Alex clearly hadn’t spared the details when she’d told him, and I sank onto the cot again, defeated. ‘I don’t know. That’s not important.’
I thought he deserved to know. But what had that achieved, except to bring him here to bug me? I could see he was longing to touch the bows, drawn to them, fascinated like any boy would be. And I felt a stab of pity for him, because he’d never get the chance to use a bow, or a gun, or grasp a knife. He’d never be able to tie his shirt or his trousers, or pull on boots, or jack himself off. He’d never slide his fingers inside a woman, or cup her breasts. I sighed. I’d spoken truly to Alex; Fletcher might be dead, but Connor still had no hands.
‘Will you come back after you’ve killed him?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘No, Connor. I won’t come back.’
‘Where will you go?’
‘I don’t know.’ To haunt dreams.
‘But Alex will come back, won’t she? And Tate too?’ he insisted. His small world was disappearing and he wasn’t happy. But if he was seeking reassurance he’d come to the wrong place.
‘No, Connor. None of us will.’ I watched his face crumple. ‘But you’ll be fine. Someone else will take care of you and you’ll soon forget about us.’
‘No, I won’t,’ he cried. ‘I won’t ever forget you.’
He rushed at me then, and instinctively I cupped my hands over my groin. But he just threw his bandaged arms around my neck and hugged me, burrowing his face into my shoulder, his whole body shuddering with the force of his grief. I stared down at his mop of dirty hair. Damn you, Tate.
Sighing, I curled my arms around his bones, squeezing him gently. ‘You’ll be okay,’ I muttered. ‘Everything will be okay.’
‘Promise?’ he sobbed into my shoulder, and I stilled before letting go and pulling his arms from around my neck. Grasping his shoulders I ducked to see his face.
‘No, Connor,’ I said, wincing at his tears. ‘I can’t promise that. No more promises, all right?’
‘Why not?’ he demanded, snivelling, pouting.
I reached over to the side table and, picking up the tag that’d lain there for three days, I held it up.
‘This was my last promise. I won’t be around to keep any more.’ I tucked the tag into his pocket while he watched. But he didn’t thank me.
‘You’re mad at me, aren’t you? That’s why you’re leaving,’ he said.
‘Mad at you?’ I asked, surprised. ‘Why would I be mad at you?’
‘Coz I kicked you. Hurt you. Said I hated you,’ he snivelled. ‘But I don’t hate you, Jem. Please don’t go.’
I squeezed his shoulders and gave him a gentle shake. ‘Connor, I’m not mad about that. I never was. This is just something I have to do and it’s got nothing to do with you.’
‘Are you going to die?’ he asked.
Yes. ‘Maybe,’ I replied. ‘But that’s okay. I’m done being a Watchman.’
‘Please don’t die. Please?’ More tears, like he was made of water.
I summoned a smile, for my sake as much as his. ‘I’ll try. Now, how about I show you how those bows work?’ I was desperate to move on, to distract him and stop the soft ache that was tugging at my chest and undoing me.
But he shook his head and, lifting a bandaged arm, touched it lightly to my face. ‘Is that why you’re sad?’ he asked. ‘Coz you don’t wanna die?’
‘I’m not sad, Connor,’ I told him. ‘Just angry, I guess. And tired. I gotta lot on my mind and I’m not getting much sleep.’
‘Are you having bad dreams? I used to have those all the time. Before you killed the Guard.’
You did a good thing.
Shut up, Alex.
‘Yeah, sometimes,’ I admitted. ‘But they’re just dreams, and dreams can’t hurt you, right?’
‘Is that why you’re gunna kill the bad man? So you can stop the dreams?’ I’d forgotten his endless questions.
‘Yeah, Connor. That’s why.’ But not even killing Garrick would do that.
He wiped his face on his arm, wetting the bandage. ‘I’m scared, Jem.’
You and me both, kid. ‘Why? No need to be scared.’
‘Tate said they’ve found someone for me to live with. Said she’s kind and she’ll tell me stories and stuff. But I don’t wanna. I wanna go with you and Tate and Alex,’ he wailed, his face screwed up with anguish.
I looked down at his bandaged arms, useless without hands. ‘Sorry, kid, but you can’t. Where we’re going it’s much scarier. That woman sounds real nice. Tate and Ballard would never send you to someone who wasn’t nice. She’ll take care of you and keep you safe. And hey, maybe she’ll even teach you to read, like me.’
‘You could teach me,’ he insisted, stubbornly.
I shook my head. ‘No, Connor. I’m not much of a teacher.’
He stared at me for a long time, then hiccupped, blew out a sigh and fell against me again. His scrawny body felt good in my arms, and I held him tight.
‘I’m gunna miss you, Jem,’ he sobbed, and I closed my eyes.
‘Yeah, I know. I’ll miss you too, kid.’ And that was no lie.
Never had I been so glad to get above ground. And never had I so longed to crawl back beneath the earth and hide. The wind was already dropping and I stood just outside the mine entrance, inhaling the dry breath of the world. A few stars and a thick wedge of moon hung in the darkening eastern sky while, to the west, the sunken sun lit up the airborne dust, rendering it the colour of blood. I’d never been one for omens or portents of evil, never understood how people could believe the world cared enough to warn us of what lay ahead. But that first sight of the western horizon, red and glowering, chilled me.
The ground around the entrance was well-trodden, an obvious narrow trail winding south towards the settlement. But the shaft itself was disguised, hidden behind tree trunks and boulders, and at first glance the trail appeared to continue past and turn west before petering to nothing. I wondered, had I not been captured, if I’d been free to carry out my assignment, whether I would’ve found it eventually. Because, no matter what Ballard believed, all secrets are at risk of being uncovered. And he wasn’t the only one with time and patience.
He and Tate had stopped a few metres away, and were talking in low voices. Beside them, Alex watched me, her face shadowed, her eyes nothing more than black hollows. But I felt her gaze, returning it until she shifted and ducked her head. I knew they were waiting for me to take the lead.
‘Which route will you follow?’ Ballard had asked me earlier, when we’d grouped in his quarters, burdened with packs and dressed for the journey. He and Tate wore uniforms, but older and dirtier, torn in places and made to look as though they’d indeed been imprisoned. Alex looked much the same as she had before, thick and shapeless. Amon was there too, receiving last-minute instructions, and there was an air of solemnity and expectancy, as though they al
l imagined they were on the cusp of something momentous and worthwhile, until my presence ushered in a reality check.
I returned Ballard’s question with a puzzled frown.
‘If you were returning to the Citadel as you would from any assignment, which route?’ he asked again. ‘Remember, this has to look as authentic as possible.’
I didn’t need to think about it. ‘I’d head south and west, keep clear of the road until I was in sight of the Citadel. The north terrain’s too hard, with two rescued Guards and –’ I broke off, jerking my head at Alex, unsure just how much Amon knew. But Ballard understood and nodded.
To Amon, he said, ‘Get a message to Cade to meet us on the east road in seven nights’ time –’
‘Six,’ I cut in. When he frowned, I added, ‘You said you wanted authenticity. I’ve never returned late from an assignment.’ Six nights would be pushing it, but dragging it out served no purpose either.
‘Six nights then,’ he conceded. Turning to Amon, he grasped the other man’s hand. ‘Make sure the others are ready to move out. They have to be there when Jem opens those gates.’
Amon nodded gravely. ‘Take care. I’ll wait for good news.’
And be prepared for bad, I thought. Coz it didn’t pay not to hedge your bets. Amon clasped Tate’s arm too, and hugged Alex. But for me it was a simple, ‘Don’t fail us, Watchman.’ And then he was gone.
It was the first time I’d seen Alex since our night together, and she gave no acknowledgement that it’d even happened. It was done, the time for pleasure past, and I’d been given no opportunity to see or talk to her, to dissuade her from her course of action. Wishful thinking had no place here. But there were other ways, so if this was what she thought she wanted, then I’d give it to her. In spades.
‘Before we go, we need to get a couple of things straight,’ I told Ballard and he looked at me, his eyes narrowing, not expecting any last-minute bargains. ‘You want authentic, then I’m in charge. We walk when I say; we stop when I say. No second-guessing my decisions, no arguments. Until I hand you over to Cade, I call the shots. Agreed?’
His jaw ticked, but in the end he nodded. ‘Agreed.’
‘Good.’ I gestured to Alex. ‘In that case, she wears no cloak, carries no pack and she’ll need to be tied.’ When he frowned and before he could protest, I said, ‘They’re always bound. He’ll expect chafe marks on her wrists, bruises. And signs she’s been gagged. Garrick’s fucking good and he’ll know if something’s up just by looking at her. If Alex wants to play the part, she needs to look the part.’
Ballard was clearly distressed by the idea, and Tate sighed.
‘He’s right,’ Alex said, speaking for the first time. She reached out and cupped her brother’s cheek. ‘If we’re going to do this, we do it properly.’
He looked at her miserably. ‘Alex –’
‘Yes,’ she insisted and, turning to me, shrugged off her cloak and held out her hands. ‘Do it.’
I’d expected her to argue, to show the first signs of fear, of doubt. But there was nothing. Just calm and resolve. But I was determined too, and I unfurled the coil of thin rope at my hip. Cutting off a short length, I made a slipknot, hooked it over her thumbs and pulled it closed, before looping the ends around her wrists and binding them securely. She pulled on it a little and frowned.
‘Shouldn’t it be tighter?’
I shook my head. ‘Your hands’ll swell soon enough, and the rope’s gunna cut into your wrists. But don’t flex. If you do, you’ll draw the slipknot.’
She stared at her hands, then glanced at me, a mixture of pity and disgust. ‘Very thorough, aren’t you?’
‘This is just the beginning, Alex. You can still back out.’ Damn you for making me do this.
She straightened then, drawing herself up. She’d realised my intent. ‘No, Jem. Finish it.’
I tethered the rest of the rope around her waist. Picking up her cloak, I cut a rough strip from the hem. It was bizarre, doing this in front of her brother and Tate, almost like we were kids in some Citadel square playing at make-believe, and at the end of the day we’d all go home unhurt. Except this wasn’t make-believe. This was as real as it got, and I was pretty sure I was the only one who understood it.
‘Turn around,’ I said, and when she did, silently, I pulled the cloth roughly between her lips. Ballard hissed and, for just a second, Alex struggled, but I jerked her head back, tying the gag tight.
Scared yet, Alex? You should be.
‘Take out anything of use in her pack – water, food – and we’ll carry it ourselves,’ I told Tate.
Alex watched as I took her knife and tucked it into my belt, but made no sound. She was my prisoner now, at my mercy as I’d been at hers for so long. Strange how our positions had so quickly reversed.
I nodded at Ballard. ‘Right. Get us out of here.’
And so I’d followed him through the tunnels to the world above, pulling Alex behind me. But now it was my turn to lead, and with a slow sigh I approached the group, gathering the rope in my hands. Just another life in my hands. Passing Ballard and Tate, I turned Alex and shoved her hard, so she stumbled and almost fell. Ballard growled, but Tate stopped him, maybe understanding why.
‘Move,’ I told Alex, pushing her again. And damn you all.
I hadn’t given a whole lot of thought to the return journey, to how difficult I’d find it travelling with three others – and only one of them gagged – but in those first couple of hours, until we settled into it and adjusted to each other’s ways, I wished I had. Coz for all the heed Ballard gave to my instructions, I might as well have saved my breath.
First he questioned our direction. I’d said south, he pointed out; my terse reply, ‘Also said west, dickhead,’ didn’t please him and it took a few minutes for Tate to calm him down enough for me to explain our need not only to avoid the road, but also any other travellers who might have similar ideas. A blessed but sullen silence followed, for a few hundred metres at least, before he began talking to Tate – or at him, it was hard to tell the difference – his low muttering getting louder and more irritating with every step. Had it been daylight, with the wind free to do its thing and scatter Ballard’s words with the rest of the hot air, I might have managed to ignore his incessant whispering. But in the still of the night, that sort of benevolence was beyond me. And maybe I wasn’t alone in that, because my request that he shut the fuck up before I fucking gagged him too wasn’t taken too kindly, and we wasted more time while he blustered and I stood my ground and Tate tried to placate us both. Only Alex remained apart, patient and distant, as though she’d left the part of her that might’ve cared back at the mine, safely buried. Or maybe it’d moved on ahead, was already at the gates of the compound, preparing itself to deal with what she thought to expect.
‘Over there,’ I whispered. ‘Behind that outcrop. See it?’
Tate lay prone beside me, staring into the gloom. The moon lent plenty of light, but he was having trouble seeing what I did. Then the hood moved, grey on grey, and he nodded.
‘How many?’ he asked.
‘Three. One Watchman for sure. The other two, I don’t know.’ I stared at the rocks, thinking through my options. ‘C’mon.’
I slithered back silently and Tate copied me, only a little louder. We clambered down the bluff to where Ballard waited, holding Alex’s tether. She looked exhausted, ready to drop, but I dismissed the stab of pity, burying it deep. There’d be time enough for that.
‘He’s right,’ Tate told Ballard, keeping his voice low.
Ballard swore. ‘From the settlement?’
I shook my head. ‘No, they’ll have come up from the Citadel. One Watchman, the other two probably raws. Trainees. Been tracking us since we passed the settlement, so I reckon they’ve been waiting a few days. Garrick knows which direction I’d take. He’s checking up.’
‘Why? That’s not usual, is it?’ He was alarmed by this development and I smiled.
‘No.
But it’s not just me he’s watching. It’s you. He wasn’t happy about being kept in the dark and he’ll be trying to find out more about you, any way he can.’
He thought about that and sighed. ‘So what do we do?’
‘Take ’em out,’ I said, surprised he’d even asked.
‘Is that wise?’ Tate rumbled.
I stared at them both, angered again by all the questions. ‘You still don’t get it, do you? This isn’t one of your stupid games. It’s exactly what he’d expect me to do. If I don’t, he’ll skin me alive and you can forget about your little coup. He knows I’d spot them eventually, and any Watchman who lets himself get tailed back to the compound ain’t worth shit.’
‘So he’d sacrifice three for one?’ Ballard mused, unconvinced. ‘Just to test you?’
‘Yeah, he would. I warned you. But then, I guess that makes him a better man than you, eh Ballard? Three’s not as bad as seven, is it?’
He twitched at that, and Alex watched us both. I wondered then if she knew about Anders, about the cost her noble self-sacrifice had demanded.
‘We’ll wait for a bit,’ I said. ‘They’re expecting a rest stop, so we’ll give ’em one. Then you three continue on, due south. I’ll catch up with you later.’ Ballard opened his mouth to argue, and I stopped him dead. ‘My rules. So shut the fuck up.’
‘I see time spent in our company hasn’t improved your vocabulary,’ he said, annoyed.
‘Not one fucking bit,’ I assured him. ‘Now, do whatever you need to do. But be ready to move out when I give the order.’
Tugging on the rope, I hauled Alex away to the edge of the clearing and pushed her to the ground. Loosening the gag, I pulled it from her mouth, and she ran a dry swollen tongue over parched lips, working her jaw.
‘D’you need to use the pot?’ I asked, but she shook her head.
Pouring some water into the gourd, I held it to her mouth. ‘Rinse before swallowing.’ I was patient, letting her take her time, watching her throat move as she swallowed, mouthful by mouthful. ‘More?’ I asked when the gourd was empty, and she nodded.
