"Ouch." I groaned. That hurt much worse than the initial stab.
"Nope, not getting anything. Try the hand with the butterfly needle."
My mom told me previously about her experience with a needle stuck into her hand. She informed me that it stung worse than the arm. Of course, my arm had to be the one in a million that did not work properly.
The nurse grabbed a different, smaller needle and poked into the top of my hand. Finally, my blood started dripping out into the vial. I thanked God in my head so I would not have to face yet another prick. She filled two vials with my blood and I watched as the dark red liquid streamed into the transparent tube.
Suddenly, I started feeling lightheaded and my stomach flipped inside out. A tingly feeling entered my throat and I felt as though I was going to throw up.
"I don't feel well. I think I might vomit."
Luckily, they got all the blood that was needed by that point. The nurse then took the needle out from my hand, put a bandage over the tiny hole, and pointed me in the direction of the bathroom.
My feet quickly took me to the pure white room across the hall. I crouched down in front of the toilet and rested my arms on the cold porcelain seat. The germs would have normally freaked me out but I felt too sick to pay attention at that moment. In silence, I waited for my stomach to do its duty and my body to reject whatever was inside. Nothing ever came up, much to my relief. Tiny black dots appeared in my vision so I stayed stooped down with my head rested on my hands. The nurse knocked on the door to ask if I was okay.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks." I waited a few minutes before I stood up, until my vision was clear again. My face reflected back at me in the mirror hanging on the wall. My skin was pale and I did not look very well. The cool water from the sink ran down my face as I tried to gather myself. My stomach was not feeling completely better but I did not feel the need to throw up anymore.
"I'm ok." As I exited, I smiled at the nurses to make sure they knew I was all right.
"Alright, hon. You're all done here, you can leave. Have a good day!"
I grabbed my bag that was sitting on the seat next to me and walked out of the office.
One appointment down, one to go. The next test I needed to go to was in the very next building so I decided to walk instead of moving my car from one parking lot to another.
At first, I thought I was in the wrong building. All around me were older men and women, no one my age was to be seen. I approached the receptionist and asked if I was in the right place. Yes, I was, I was at the right place. I thought it was a bit odd but I did not think much of it. The middle-aged woman handed me the paperwork to fill out and directed me to the waiting room chairs.
The cushy chairs were relaxing, much better than the chairs at the last place. But this office did not have a television. I grabbed the pen and started to fill out the paperwork. One of the questions was if I was going through menopause or if I had already gone through menopause. I wondered again, why this center was so focused on older patients, and then the answer came to me.
I was there to get a bone density scan. Healthy 19 year old's do not usually need to get a bone density scan because healthy 19 year old's do not need to worry about their bones. Usually, bone problems were more likely to occur in older women who had already gone through menopause. I was certain that my bones were still fine and that my doctor wanted the test done just to make sure. My weird food rituals and calorie counting had only been going on since the beginning of the year, not a long time. It was not enough time to do any damage, I thought.
I autographed the bottom of the paperwork and patiently waited to be called back into the exam room. Since I had never had a bone scan performed, I had no idea what to expect. Anxiety started to set in but just as it started to escalate, a friendly, young brunette called my name to come back to the room.
"Hi, Erin, I'm Rebecca. This won't take long at all." She led me down a narrow hallway, past a few x-ray rooms, and into a changing cubicle. "Here's a gown. Take everything off but your underwear and I'll come and get you in a few minutes."
I was stuck in a tiny space with a full-length mirror straight ahead. My clothes quickly came off and I caught myself looking at my body, nitpicking every inch, criticizing my extra fat, noticing all of the imperfections. I hated looking at my body but when I started criticizing, time passed extraordinarily fast and I forgot about everything else in the world. Since I dove into the world of body hatred, I had not noticed that Rebecca came back.
"Are you ready?"
I threw on the gown and quickly tied the strings together. It was oversized and too big to tie together properly, leaving part of my back exposed. Rebecca led me back down the hall and into a small room containing a few machines I had never seen before.
"Ok, sweetie, I need you to lay down right here."
She pointed to the platform on a big x-ray machine. I laid down and rested my head on the stiff pillow that was provided. Rebecca carefully lifted up my legs and placed them on top of a triangular foam pillow, leaving my knees bent and a bit uncomfortable.
"Just hold still, this won't take long."
I took a deep breath to relax and counted the loud clicks that radiated from the machine. My body held still but I was worried about moving, even if it was only from breathing. The first set of x-rays finished and started again soon after, moving above my hip, then finally to the bottom of my spine.
The test was painless and was just like any other x-ray I have ever gotten; although, I did wonder how much radiation I had soaked up with the three separate imaging sessions. The process was over just as soon as it begun and before I knew it, I was back in the dressing cubicle to swap the gown with my normal clothes.
I saw my body in the mirror again and looked a little closer this time, trying to imagine my bones beneath my skin. If my bones were deteriorating, I would have known, right? There were no signs of anything being wrong and I assumed that nothing could ever happen. After pulling my shirt down over my head, I grabbed my bag and headed out the door to go home.
Before I passed through the exit, the receptionist called out, "We'll have the results in about a week!"
I smiled and nodded and kept walking to my car.
The next week, I received a phone call from my doctor, urging me to visit her once more. She had received the results of my tests and wanted to share them with me.
“It's better if you see me in person.," she said. Thoughts started popping up in my head. I questioned why she would not just tell me over the phone, but I calmed myself by reasoning the situation in my mind. Maybe she wanted to see every one in person, I did not know. Since she had an open time slot later in the day, I decided to get it over with and go see her that afternoon.
I arrived at the office just a few hours later and I did not have to wait as long as I had before. I was her last appointment before the office closed so there was no one else in the waiting room with me. It was eerily silent but refreshingly relaxing.
"Erin, hi. Come on back."
My doctor came to get me, a rather unusual circumstance. I was used to the nurses getting me first, but I assumed she was doing it all since it was not an exam, she only had to give me some news. I sat down on the table and set my bag in my lap as she rolled her stool closer toward me and sat.
"I received your test results back earlier today, as I told you already, and I wanted to talk to you in person. Your blood test doesn't show anything too concerning, but your electrolytes are a little off. This probably had to do with you being dehydrated, but it should be something to keep in the back of your mind. Now, your bone density scans...."
She pulled out a print out from the office building I had been to the week before. On the paper were a graph, some numbers, and three pictures of my x-rays.
"Can you read that word for me?" Her finger pointed to the highlighted word on the page.
"Osteo..penia?" I had never heard of the word and I was not even sure if I was pronouncing it correctly.
"Yes, osteopenia. Do you know what that is?"
A confused look splashed across my face as I shook my head from right to left.
"I'm sure you've heard of osteoporosis, right? Well, osteopenia is like osteoporosis, just not as bad. But worse than normal bones. See, these are your scores right here. Yours are all around -1.3 when most 19 year old's are well above that. Your bones have deteriorated a fair amount, but the good news is that your bones are still growing and you can still add calcium before it's too late."
My eyes stared at the paper as I tried to take everything in. I understood what she was telling me, but how could it have happened to me? I had never been sick and I had always been healthy. My food intake could not have caused my bones to lose that much calcium in such a short period of time.
"I am going to suggest that you start talking calcium supplements every day now. There are a few brands to choose from, even generic ones that work just as fine. You don't need a prescription, it's over the counter. Got it?"
"Sure." Only, I was not sure. There had to be some mistake. Were those papers really mine? Or was I really harming my body? I always thought that I was invincible. In a split second, I realized that maybe I was not superhuman, after all.
5
Point of No Return
I've been thinking a lot about emotions and feelings and anything related to that. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch, hopefully that's all. It seems as though I've been feeling really down, especially at night. I hate the feeling of loneliness and emptiness. I feel like there's nothing I can do to change it. I feel like the whole world is passing me by and I'm just stuck in one place, and that I'll always be stuck in this place. I have experienced nothing and there are kids my age or younger who have been around the world, who have experienced things, who are in love, who have good friends to be with. I'm stuck here with no place to go, nothing to do, and no one to be with. I can't open up to anyone.
I'm starting to think I've become this emotionless person. I just realized that I haven't cried in the longest time, probably since camp when I freaked out over dinner. I've learned to bottle up my feelings so well when I'm with other people that I can't even let them out when I'm by myself. Crying would make me feel better, yet I can't. I have so much to say but it doesn't want to come out.
Randy, the certified EMT from camp, somehow found out that I had been sick and he wanted to know what was going on with me. We were all given a contact list with every one of our co-workers on it, in case we needed to contact them, or if we just wanted to keep in touch. Before I quit my job at camp, Randy and I had a sort of flirtatious relationship but nothing ever came out of it. He was 20 and going to a local college not far from my house; he stayed there during the summer and then was hired at camp. The other guys that I worked with seemed to be slightly immature for their age, but Randy was not. His maturity surpassed all of the other guys' and he was a gentleman, always holding doors for the girls and helping wherever there needed to be an extra hand. He seemed too good to be true on the outside.
He looked me up on the contact sheet and called my number not too long after I got the results of my bone density scan. It was nice to hear from him, yet a bit awkward at the same time, only because we had not talked in a while.
"What are you doing Saturday night? My roommate will be out so I will have the dorm to myself, I thought it'd be nice to catch up. Especially since you left so suddenly!"
I felt guilty leaving him without giving an explanation. "I'm sorry, it's a long story. Kinda difficult. But yeah, it'd be good to hang out. I can bring over a movie, if you want."
His voice heightened with excitement. "Yeah! Bring whatever movie you want, I'm not picky."
We continued talking for about a half hour until he had to leave for class. After I hung up the phone, I realized that my "date" with Randy would be my first social outing in a long time. I was still isolating and never initiated any plans with friends on my own. Most of my friends had forgotten about me or became frustrated with my escalating craziness. I was pleased that I would be able to have some human contact for a change, with someone my own age. And with someone who I slightly had a crush on.
Saturday came around and I was all set to see Randy. I still was not sure about which movie to bring with me, but I figured that I could bring a few and we could decide together which one to watch. I dressed up in a cute top with black skinny jeans and flats, still casual but a bit more on the dressy side of what I normally wore. My hair was usually always worn down, but I decided to pull it back to keep it out of my face.
My nerves started setting in even before I left my house, and I still had to drive across town to the college. I was not nervous about seeing him, but because I was stepping out of my comfort zone just by being social. I expected and knew that I would have a good night. Before I left, I tried to calm myself down by meditating, only it worsened my thoughts because I had no distractions. My anxieties were all I could think about.
On the 30 minute drive to Randy's college, my mind played out scenarios and I tried to pick which one I would want to happen the most. I was not sure whether to hug Randy or just say "Hey" when we met. I was not sure if it was a date or just a catch-up between friends. I was making myself anxious by creating the various outcomes in my own head. In reality, I knew I could not predict what was going to happen. I just had to take things as they came.
As I arrived at the lush college campus, I felt a bit envious of the students who were lucky enough to attend school. I was taking a break from school in order to find out what I was passionate about. I did not have a clear enough idea after my freshman year at a community college, and I liked to say that I was a sophomore. Technically, I was. I was jealous that people my age were able to live in dorms without their parents around and telling them what to do every day. I wanted to have that same responsibility, yet I was stuck at home.
Randy's dorm was not too far from where I parked, and I was very thankful because I was also worried about getting lost on the big campus. His building was secured so I had to call him on my cell phone in order to get in.
"Hey! Can you let me in?"
"What's the password??" he laughed. "Just kidding, I'll be right down."
A few seconds later, he traveled down a few flights of stairs and unlocked the door for me.
"Hey, I'm glad you could make it." He smiled as he opened the entrance.
"Me too." I was glad I could make it, even though I was still nervous.
He first showed me the lobby on the main floor. It was equip with a few flat screen televisions and some couches, along with a quaint and cozy study area. I was not sure how one was supposed to study while televisions were blasting in the background, but I liked the set-up and decorations. He led me into the elevator and pressed his floor's button. We did not say a word to each other as the elevator climbed the floors. He led me to his room, opening the door for me again.
"You have a pretty nice room here!" I looked around and saw what looked to be a four-star hotel. Every piece of furniture matched and all of the latest technological gadgets were spread throughout the small space. I had never seen a dorm room like his; I was expecting the average miss-matched, dirty college boy look.
"Yeah, my parents did all of this for me. I wasn't expecting it."
Oh, I got it. His parents must have been rich. I wondered how rich, even though that was probably rude of me to think. I also wondered if Randy was a typical "Mama's Boy." Maybe that was why he was so nice.
"Did you bring any movies? I have some here, but we can watch whatever you want."
I pulled out a few DVDs that I stuck in my bag a few hours earlier. I shuffled through them and held up the ones that I thought he might find interesting.
"Ok. Halloween? Sin City? Spiderman? I brought 'guy' movies."
We both chuckled and he shrugged. "Pick whichever one you want to watch."
I settled on "Halloween" and handed it to him.
"Do you want a d
rink? I have a few beers in the fridge." He walked toward his mini stainless steel fridge, much fancier than most of the mini fridges I had ever seen.
"Ehh...sure." I was not much of a drinker. I was not of legal age to be drinking, any way, but I had had alcohol before and I knew I could handle one or a few drinks.
After he pulled the bottles out of the fridge, we sat down on the large futon placed against the wall, facing the giant flat screen television. Randy inserted the DVD into the player and the movie started to play. As I began to relax, I realized that I was more comfortable than I had anticipated. None of the problems and thoughts that I had earlier were coming into fruition. This proved that I tended to scare myself without legitimate reasons; a good lesson, I thought.
After a good hour into the movie and a few beers later between the both of us, we were very much comfortable together. I had not slept well the night before and I asked Randy if I could rest my head on his shoulder while we watched the movie. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier and we somehow managed to inch our way closer and closer to each other. By the time the movie ended, we were just short of laying down completely on the futon.
"Classic movie, never gets old." Randy said, as he turned off the television and DVD player. "Now what?"
I did not know. I only planned to watch a movie. "I don't know." At least I was being honest. "What is there to do? We can watch another movie or see what‘s on TV."
He looked as though he thought hard about what to do next, but he did not say a word. Instead, a leaned down to kiss me. His action startled me and left me in a bit of a shock. I was not expecting him to kiss me. I backtracked to think if I had led him on in any way. I did have a little crush on him, but I doubted it was obvious to him and I never said anything.
He smiled and leaned down again, giving me another kiss, this time longer than the first. I was starting to worry a little bit only because we had not known each other very well and I was not one to be very intimate that soon. I was confused as to how to act in the situation.
Restricted: A novel of half-truths Page 4
