However, caring what some crazy senior citizen thought of my wanderings was pretty low on my priority list at the moment. Now that I was close to my destination, the relief I felt at being set 'free' was gone, and, in its place, a new form of worry set in. Tom and Ed were two of my best friends (assholes sure, but what good friends aren't?). We all knew each other well and could each count on the other. The problem was that none of us had ever come home as a blood sucking monster of the night before. What if they freaked? What if they called the cops? Shit, what if they decided to take matters into their own hands and go all Blade the Vampire Hunter on me? I dismissed that last one almost immediately, though, as neither of my roommates would probably have an edge against a couple of angry hamsters, much less a vampire. Still, they could react negatively.
However, I didn't really have anywhere else to go, and, deadly creature of the night or not, I still paid a third of the damned rent. If they wanted to give me the Monster Squad treatment, then, by god, I was at least going to get my part of the security deposit back. Thus, I readied myself as I entered the building and walked up to my floor. I unlocked the door, ready for whatever cruelties fate had in store for me, and then stopped dead. Shit! I had completely forgotten about the no-entering-without-an-invitation thing. What if I couldn't even step into my own place? Oh, well, no way to know unless I tried. I took a deep breath and tried to enter my apartment...
And I pretty much stepped in like I normally would. Either that invite thing was more vampire bullshit, or it didn't apply to me since I already lived here. Okay, one great trial down, now for the next. It was time to confront my friends. “I have something to confess. I'm a vampire, and I'm proud of it!” I would proclaim. Hmm, maybe not. That sounded too much like a coming out of the closet speech. Oh, well, I'd ad-lib something.
Or maybe I wouldn't. Now that I had a chance to look around, I noticed the apartment was quiet and I was standing there all alone. Figures! I psych myself out, and the assholes can't even have the good graces to be there to rebuke me for being a monstrous hell beast. Fate, why must thou continue to spit upon me?
I checked the rest of the apartment. Tom's bedroom door was open and the lights were out. Ed's door, on the other hand, was closed and locked. I put my ear to the door and my newfound senses clearly heard him snoring away. So he was home, but out cold. Not too surprising. He probably put in a full weekend of work and decided to turn in early. Wouldn't be the first time. Okay, so I could wake him up. My predicament was kind of a big thing. Still it's not like I was dying... at least not anymore. I may be a vampire, but that doesn't mean I have to be a dick about it. Let him sleep. He could always learn I was a bloodsucking denizen of the lower planes tomorrow.
Speaking of blood, I unpacked the sack Sally had given me and stored it all in the fridge. Yeah, that might give them a few questions if they opened the refrigerator before I got a chance to do my big reveal. However, considering that Tom mixed up this big pitcher full of stage blood last Halloween, maybe it wouldn't. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't anywhere close to Halloween, but I was grasping at straws. Besides which, when all was said and done, a fridge full of blood was probably going to be the least of their concerns.
Okay, one roommate out, and the other out cold. My homecoming was turning out to be a little less epic than I had imagined. Oddly enough, I felt a little cheated. Here I was expecting perhaps a standoff, maybe Tom and Ed slowly advancing upon me, crucifixes held aloft (did either of them even own a crucifix?) while screaming, “Back, unholy demon from the pit!” Instead I got zilch. Kinda reminded me of my friend from college, Adam. A few years after we graduated, he decided to come out of the closet to his parents. He psyched himself out for a tearful 'Not my child!' type of confrontation, but both of his parents pretty much just shrugged and told him “Duh. It's about time you figured that out.” He was actually kind of miffed he didn't get to give the emotional 'I'm still your son!' speech he had been rehearsing in his head.
Oh, well, since I was apparently not going to be giving any 'I'm still your roommate!' speeches tonight, I figured I should go out and prowl the neighborhood for any unsuspecting victims who might cross my path. At least, that's probably what a cool vampire would do. But what I should do and what I actually wind up doing don't often match, so instead I went into my bedroom/office (can't beat the commute!) and turned on my PC. A little online gaming was just what the doctor ordered to help me get back a sense of normalcy. Had it really been only about two days since this had been my life? Now, here I was, grabbing onto it like a drowning man grabs for a life preserver. Hey, at least my sense of melodrama hadn't been affected by this whole ordeal.
Anyway, I checked my email first. There was some spam, the weekly Facebook birthday reminder, an email or two from my boss (which could wait... between the days of Saturday and Sunday, he ain't the boss of me!), and an email from my dungeon master, Dave. Oh, shit! Today was Sunday. I had missed the fucking game. Not good.
Dave was a second year resident at some hospital in Newark, Saint Jerome's I think. He worked about a million hours a week and still somehow managed to run our D&D game. We all liked to joke that he had volunteered for some insane experiment while in med school, which allowed him to function without sleep. Anyway, I'd known him since we met up at a gaming convention back in college. In the time since, I'd come to think of him as a close friend. However, friend or not, he wasn't known for being overly forgiving when anyone unexpectedly blew off his game. One of the other party members did so a few months back and subsequently returned to find that his character had fallen into a magical trap which removed all of his possessions... not to mention his arms and legs.
Feeling a sense of dread that not even the thought of Jeff could match, I clicked to read his message.
Bill,
We missed you at the game today. I tried calling, but Ed had no idea where you were. I hope everything is okay.
Dave
P.S. I had to ad-lib in your absence. Your character was captured by a tribe of sexually frustrated ogres who then proceeded to ass rape the shit out of you before you could be rescued.
Okay, that wasn't so bad compared to what he could have done. At least I didn't lose a level or anything. I wrote him back an apology, and also let him know that I'd try my damnedest to be there next weekend, although I was personally doubtful of the fact. Hopefully, if things didn't work out, I'd at least get a chance to give him a heads up. Otherwise, I'd probably better be prepared to roll up a new character.
That being done, I settled in for a few hours of online gaming. After bouncing around a few different games, I eventually settled into one where my teammates and I were trying to fight our way through various scenarios of a zombie invasion. Fucking zombie pieces of shit! If there was anything a decade of role playing games had taught me, it was that, as a vampire, I could pretty much look down my nose at any other types of undead.
So, that was my night. After all was said and done, I made sure the shades were down and then eventually decided to just turn in. All things considered, I was a lot more at ease than I had been. As such, I slept pretty well... at least, that is, until I woke up to find myself on fire.
How Do We Sleep When Our Beds Are Burning?
“Jesus Christ, Bill, wake the fuck up!” was the first thing I heard in an apparently long attempt to rouse me. I pulled the blankets over my head and attempted to turn away from the annoying voice.
“Seriously, dude. Get up!” I felt a hand shake my shoulder. Still more blissfully asleep than awake, I stuck one hand out from under covers and tried to wave the pestering voice away. Well, okay, I might have also flipped off the owner of the voice, as well. I've never been a morning person, even during the living phase of my existence.
“Enough of this shit!” the voice said. “Get your ass up!” I heard a soft whooshing noise, followed by a few seconds of silence, until the voice started yelling, “WHAT THE FUCK!?” which was immediately followed by an incredible pain in my uncovered hand.
Since that sort of thing tends to jolt a person awake, I threw the covers off, sat bolt upright, and immediately noticed two things: the blinds were up, and my left hand was on fire!
“I'M FUCKING ON FIRE!” I screamed, grasping the obvious as I then realized the rest of my exposed body was now starting to smoke under the glare of the sunshine streaming through the window.
Thinking quickly, lest I wind up unceremoniously ending my vampire career early, I dove off the far side of the bed and tried my best to crawl under it.
“Close the goddamned blinds!” I yelled.
“But...”
“NOW!”
That snapped my roommate back to reality and I heard another quick whoosh as darkness once again descended on my bedroom. Removed from the sunlight, the flames on my hand immediately died down. I stood up, still smoldering a little, and faced the lanky form of my roommate, Ed. At a bit of a loss for words (hey, next time you spontaneously combust, I dare you to be chatty about it immediately afterwards), I waited for him to say something... which he eventually did.
“Dude... holy shit... are you okay?”
Good question. I looked down at my hand. It still hurt like a motherfucker, and it was covered in blisters, but I could even now see some of the reddened skin starting to turn back to normal. Oh, yeah, there are definitely perks to the whole vampire thing. Of course, it was the whole vampire thing that caused me to burst into flame to begin with, so maybe this one was a wash.
“I'll live,” I answered, inwardly amused by the irony of my statement.
“Good,” Ed replied, recomposing himself quickly. He stood there, thinking for a second, and then shook his head in an apparent attempt to clear it. “We can discuss how you became flammable later. We're already late for the conference bridge.”
“What conference bridge?”
“You didn't read Jim's email, did you?”
“It was the weekend,” I lamely countered.
“And hence why I exist: to save your dumb ass. Come on.” He turned to walk out. Gotta love Ed. Shit just doesn't faze him. I can't honestly say that if our positions were reversed I could turn from holy crap my roommate is on fire to oh, dear, we're late for a meeting on a dime. But, then again, a great humanitarian Ed is not.
I followed him to his office/room. Suddenly I became aware of my just woken (and still smoking) state.
“Skype?” I nervously asked.
“Fortunately not. Just a call, no video,” he answered as he put the phone on speaker and began to dial. Thank god for small favors. I was definitely not looking my best (even aside from the few wisps of smoke still coming off me), and, since Sheila, my aforementioned unrequited love, was my boss’s admin, hers would be the first face to see us during any teleconference. Instead, I got to hear her melodious voice picking up on the conference bridge and connecting us with Jim's office.
We spent the next hour or so listening to our boss have a near panic attack. The higher-ups had reprioritized several projects (as the higher-ups in companies tend to do) and, since they were now giving us new orders to jump, we had to figure out the 'how high' part. Jim, as usual, treated all of this like the end of the world, and had to be reassured by Ed and myself several times. Jim sometimes tends to forget that we make games, not cures for cancer. Keeping things in perspective is not his strong suit. Once he was done giving us our marching orders, we promised him that we'd both leap into things feet first the second we were off the call, and then hung up. Ed and I stared at each other from across his desk for a few seconds before he said,
“Coffee?”
“Definitely. Just...”
“Keep the shades down? Yeah, I kinda figured.”
We went out to our kitchen where Ed threw a fresh filter into the coffee maker and set things brewing. I ran to brush my teeth and throw on a fresh pair of clothes (the ones I had been given went straight into the trash... no amount of detergent washes out dead guy stink). By the time I came back, Ed was sipping his coffee and had one waiting for me in my Dr. Who mug (the Tardis appears when you put a hot drink in it). I took a couple of sips and then said,
“Much better. I feel human again.”
“Do you?” Ed asked, nonplussed.
“Yeah, about that. Kind of a funny thing...”
“So… you're a vampire now?” he just blurted out
“Well, let's not jump to...”
“You burst into flames when I opened your shades.”
“I can explain that.”
“Your hand is already healed.” I looked down after he said that. Hey, he was right.
“Vitamins can do wonders for the immune...” I shrugged.
“And the refrigerator is full of blood,” he finished
“Noticed that, eh?”
“Kinda hard to miss,” he said in that same bored tone. “So, that means you're either a vampire, or a psycho, and, to quote George Clooney, ‘Psychos do not burst into flames when sunlight hits them.’ Thus, you must be a vampire.”
“So...” Damn, this was going a lot differently than I imagined it would.
He suddenly leaned over the table and stared me directly in the eye. “So, you want to confess, or should I just call the cops?”
“WHAT?” I blurted as hot coffee spit from between my lips.
“Tom. He's missing. The fridge is full of blood. It doesn't take a genius to figure out...”
“Dude! I didn't touch Tom. I don't where he is. He wasn't home last night! You can't think...” I stopped when I noticed that Ed was now wearing a shit eating grin. “Asshole!”
“Sorry, couldn't resist. Tom stayed at his parents’. He was heading straight to the office from there.”
“Dick!”
“So says the guy cooling off bags of blood clots next to my diet Pepsi.”
“I'm surprised you're not freaking.”
“I don't freak,” he said bluntly.
“You kinda did when I burst into flames earlier.”
“You caught me by surprise. Next time, I'll just whip out the marshmallows.”
“Touching. So, what now?”
“What now? Obviously we get back to work before Jim calls again and has an aneurysm this time.”
“Good point. But still, we get back to things just like that?” I asked.
“For now, at least. Once Tom gets home, we can sit down and talk about this. At least that way I won't have to listen to your story twice.”
“You're not afraid I might try to...” I put on my best euro-trash vampire accent, “suck your blood?”
“It's not my blood I'm worried you'll try to suck,” he said with a smirk. I gave him a withering glare in return. “Seriously, not really. You could have done so last night while I was asleep, and you didn't. That kind of says all I need to know about it. And, besides, it's daylight now. I'm not particularly scared of someone I just need to open the blinds to defeat.”
“What about Tom? Think he'll freak?”
“Are you kidding? I think we'll both need to be wearing raincoats for the ensuing nerdgasm he'll probably have.” With that, he got up and went back to his desk. He probably had a good point. Tom, Ed, and I were all a lot alike. What didn't faze one of us probably wouldn't faze any of us. If Ed and my positions were reversed, I'd probably be taking it fairly well, too. On the other hand, I'd probably also excuse myself during lunchtime to go out and stock up on some holy water... just in case. But, hey, maybe I'm just paranoid.
One Will Stand, One Will Fall
The day passed fairly quickly since we both had full plates of work to throw ourselves into. It turned out to be fairly productive, too, as I discovered that I was able to type quite a bit faster now. The whole being a blood-sucking walking corpse thing was going to take some adjusting to, but I wasn't going to complain much if one of the side effects of my new powers was going to help me get a nice bonus at the end of the year. Anyway, aside from some work related questions for Ed, I stayed in my respective 'office', with maybe the e
xception of a quick break at lunch time to grab a liter of blood (and some Cheez-its. What? I was just trying to find out if I could still eat regular food).
We knocked off around six p.m. One of the key skills of being a developer is knowing when enough is enough. You want to put in enough work to be a valued asset (always good to be one of those during any layoffs), but not so much that you're a sucker doing work above and beyond what you're being paid for. Since the sun was now low enough that I wouldn't run the risk of turning into a tater-tot the second I stepped outside, I accompanied Ed to pick up some Chinese food for dinner, and then we came back to wait for Tom.
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