by Iris Morland
So she waited, hoping he had an explanation she could understand, if not swallow, so they could move on.
“I should’ve told you everything a long time ago,” Heath admitted. He sighed. “I didn’t know how to tell you, Jubilee. And I didn’t want to lay that burden on you.”
She flinched, but she said nothing. She knew well enough that one of the best ways to get people to talk was to wait. The words inevitably spilled out in an attempt to fill the endless silence.
“This happened a long time ago, but it’s one of those things you never forget.” He blew out a breath. “I had a roommate in college. We were friends, although we were never close. I hadn’t thought I’d ever go to college, not after my parents died. But I scrimped and saved, and I was so close to getting my teacher’s license that I couldn’t imagine letting anything get in the way of that.”
Finally, Jubilee looked at him and saw the anguish in his expression. Her heart softened. “What happened?”
“My roommate—Troy—he was struggling to pay tuition, and he started dealing drugs. I looked the other way. I thought it was temporary, you know? It wasn’t right and it was definitely illegal, but I didn’t have the money to find a new place on such short notice. And I was afraid if I snitched on Troy, the police would look at me and then everything would be over.
“But of course, things did end. A neighbor of ours, Gregory, who’d just gotten sober, became one of Troy’s clients.” Heath smiled bitterly. “He overdosed and died. Because I didn’t say anything. Then Troy and I were arrested, and I was suddenly facing drug trafficking charges. At the very least, aiding and abetting a criminal.”
“Oh, Heath.” She couldn’t stop herself from squeezing his hand. “You made a bad decision, but you weren’t the one who sold those drugs to your neighbor. You can’t blame yourself. And the sad thing is that people who want to get drugs will find them regardless.”
“I know. Yet that doesn’t stop me from wishing I’d done something to stop it.” He returned her hand squeeze. “I was facing these charges, and then suddenly, I was free. They were dropped and that was that. I only found out later that Rose’s ex-boyfriend Johnny had done it all.”
Jubilee’s eyes widened. “Why would he do that? He tried to kidnap Rose just a few months ago!”
“I didn’t know then what a piece of shit he was. I also didn’t know that Rose had made a deal with the devil: she’d agreed to stay with Johnny in order to set me free.”
Jubilee’s heart clenched at the pain in Heath’s words. She couldn’t imagine the amount of guilt he felt over all of this. And he’d kept it inside all of these years? She couldn’t imagine.
“Rose suffered for me. She shouldn’t have done that. I wish to God she hadn’t.” His fists clenched, and he seemed like he would burst from the car in anger. “I was a coward, Jubilee, and I was a coward not to tell you the truth. I wanted to protect you.”
At that, she pulled her hand away and looked straight ahead again.
“And now this guy who’s one of Johnny’s cronies is doing his best to ruin my life and my career. That’s why my principal called me in. There was an article in the newspaper about my arrest, although they didn’t know about Gregory’s death.”
Jubilee wanted to comfort him; she wanted to rail at him. She heard his words over and over in her mind—I wanted to protect you—and she wasn’t sure she’d be able to forgive him for lying to her. Her family had coddled her, lied to her, told her half-truths, for years. Harrison still thought she couldn’t make her own decisions.
What did it say that the man she loved thought she couldn’t cope with what he was struggling with? How could they base a relationship on a complete lack of trust and openness?
“What article? I didn’t hear about anything.”
“It was taken down fairly quickly, but we all know nothing can be deleted from the Internet entirely,” he replied. “I should’ve told you all this. I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me.” She felt tears forming, and she swallowed hard, trying to keep her composure. “You lied to my face. I asked you what was wrong and you said it was nothing. I mean, it was really none of my business, I guess, but—”
“That’s not it. Jesus, I wanted to tell you. I hated keeping you in the dark. But you have your own life, your own burdens. What good would it have done to lay that on your shoulders?”
She gave him a bitter smile. “Because I’m so fragile, right? You sound like Harrison.”
She could tell her words shocked him. He reared back, his brow creasing, and she wanted to apologize. Except she was right: he was acting like Harrison, and her mother, and all of her siblings combined. She’d thought Heath was different. He’d believed in her; he’d thought she could stand on her own two feet.
“There were so many things my family kept from me,” she murmured, almost talking to herself. “No one told me about Caleb almost dying in a car accident; no one told me that Lizzie had miscarried a baby. No one told me anything because they thought, ‘Jubilee is so delicate that if she’s stressed, she’ll get sick again.’ I’ve lived in a bubble my entire life. I can’t even go to Seattle to college without everyone going against me, telling me I’m making a mistake. I’m not even allowed to make mistakes!”
Her voice rose, and she sounded shrill to her own ears. “And you, you, were supposed to be different. You were supposed to be the one person who saw me not as some sickly kid, but as an adult. As a woman.” At that, the tears overwhelmed her, and she couldn’t say another word.
“I wanted to protect you. I know you’re an adult, but you haven’t been in the world, either. You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve never seen the darker side of life, and for that, you’re lucky. Believe me.”
She sobbed. “Are you serious? Do you think I haven’t seen how shitty life can be? Tell me, did you think you were going to die from cancer when you were six? Did you spend months in a hospital room undergoing bone marrow transplants because they were the last resort? Did you hurt so much but you didn’t understand why everyone kept poking and cutting and hurting you? You have no idea what I’ve been through. Just because I haven’t been arrested like you have doesn’t somehow make me some innocent little girl, either.”
“I’m sorry,” was all he said. “Maybe this is for the best.”
Another sob crawled up her throat. Why won’t you fight for us? she wanted to scream. Is this it, then? You’re just giving up?
“Maybe it is.” She wiped her face, although the tears kept flowing regardless. “I’m leaving soon. I didn’t expect you’d follow me. So we should end things now to avoid any more hurt.”
Heath was stricken, and she couldn’t help but notice that he swiped a hand across his eyes, under his glasses. “Then I think we have our decision. This is over. It was supposed to just be a fling, wasn’t it? We should stop now before it gets nasty.”
Jubilee’s bottom lip quivered. She heard the anguish in Heath’s voice; she saw the tension in his shoulders. She knew he wasn’t saying these things lightly, and she wondered if he loved her, too. Would he have been so upset about her reaction to his lying if he didn’t care for her?
“I love you, Heath,” she whispered, “but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let anyone lock me up in a tower. I’ll never be that girl again. I’m going to live my life how I want to live it.”
“And you’ll be amazing. You’ll go on to be a veterinarian, Jubilee, I know you will. For whatever it’s worth, I believe in you.”
He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, and she wanted to beg him not to leave. The only thing keeping her from flinging herself at him was the ragged remains of her pride.
Heath got out of her car without another word. When she heard him turn on his car’s engine and drive away, Jubilee finally gave in to her tears, crying for Heath, for herself, and for the love that had just not been meant to be.
17
Jubilee stared at the bowl of batter in front of her. She’d completely
forgotten what she’d been making. Banana bread? Pumpkin bread? She knew most of the recipes Megan used at The Rise and Shine by heart, so she couldn’t just read what she’d need.
Staring at that bowl of nondescript batter, Jubilee felt tears rising. It was stupid, really, how anything could make her cry lately. It had been two weeks since she’d broken things off with Heath, and she missed him. She missed him like she missed a severed limb—or a piece of heart.
She still loved him. She wished she could push that love aside and move on, but her heart wouldn’t let her. Every night, she dreamed of him. Every time she heard the bell jangle at The Rise and Shine, she looked up, hoping it was him.
But it never was. He didn’t come to her apartment to beg her to come back; he didn’t stop by her work to tell her was an idiot. He didn’t call her to say he’d been a coward to let her end things.
She’d wanted him to fight for them. Instead, she’d realized he didn’t want to fight for them.
Tears dripped down her face, falling into the bowl below. Annoyed with herself, she threw out the batter with a bit more force than necessary. In a fit of pique, she threw the plastic bowl and plastic utensils into the sink. The loud bang only satisfied her for a moment before she felt the seemingly endless sensation of sadness creep back inside her.
“Good lord, what’s happening back here?” Megan poked her head into the kitchen, her hair a bright flame on top of her head. “Are you okay?”
Jubilee’s lip wobbled. She needed to pull herself together. After that night with Heath, Jubilee had gone home and cried the entire night. The morning after, she’d gotten out of bed and tried her hardest to push everything she felt deep inside. She hadn’t talk to anyone about Heath because it had just been too painful.
“I’m fine,” Jubilee replied, swiping the errant tears from her eyes. “What did you want me to make? I forgot.”
Megan clucked her tongue as she came into the kitchen. “Banana bread, hun, but it doesn’t matter. I put up the sign in case anyone comes in, so you have no excuse not to tell me what happened. Is this about Heath?”
Hearing his name made her face crumple, and to Jubilee’s humiliation, she started crying right then. Leaning against Megan, she felt Megan stroke her hair as she said soothing nothings.
“Well, that explains why you’ve been a zombie these past few weeks,” Megan said. “Do you want to tell me what happened? Or do you just want me to send Caleb to break his legs?”
That made Jubilee giggle. “No, but I appreciate the offer. I’ve already had enough issues with my brothers.”
Harrison hadn’t talked to her since that night, either, and Jubilee hadn’t wanted to talk to him. Sometimes she didn’t know who she was angrier with: Heath or Harrison. Was it her fate to be surrounded by men who thought they knew what was best for her?
“Hmm, Caleb may have mentioned as much to me. Harrison told him some things, but not the whole story. Now, tell me what happened so we can make a plan to ruin his life.”
Jubilee told Megan the entire story in a halting voice: Heath getting in between Jubilee dating other men; his offer to vet the guys; Jubilee’s counteroffer of kissing and flirting lessons. Then how everything had gotten so complicated and tangled together before it had fallen apart.
“I love him, and I hate him, too,” she said in a choked voice. “How can I feel two different emotions for the same man?”
“Oh, believe me, you can hate and love a man in equal measures. Been there, done that, wrote the book. So you love him?”
Jubilee nodded miserably. “I don’t want to. He’s the worst.” She sniffled, laughing a little. “He’s also kind, handsome, funny…and he believed in me. Until that night, that is.”
“I think he still believes in you. I don’t think he ever stopped.” Megan considered her. “I went through something similar with Caleb, you know. He wasn’t honest with me, and it broke my heart. But in the end, I realized his dishonesty was more about fear than it was about keeping me in the dark. Because you know what truly terrified him?”
“What?”
“Losing me. And I bet you everything it was the same for Heath.”
Jubilee nodded. “He said that, but it doesn’t help that he tried to do what everyone else in my family has done. He wants to keep me locked up in a tower, coddled and in a bubble. I can’t do that anymore.”
“Jubi,” Megan said, “think for a second. He didn’t do those things. Would a man who wanted to keep you in a bubble agree to give you flirting lessons? Or help you with your list? And when you told him you were leaving for college, he didn’t say you shouldn’t go. He said you’d succeed and he wanted that for you.”
Jubilee knew Megan spoke the truth. Heath had lied to her, that was true. She hated that, but had she been looking for an excuse to push him away?
“He never said he loved me,” Jubilee said with a deep sigh. “So I think it’s all moot at this point. If he can’t love me, then I need to move on.”
Megan frowned. “I don’t believe he doesn’t love you, but he might just need time to get his head out of his ass. Men tend to do that.” She slung an arm around Jubilee and hugged her. “It’ll all work out. And like I said, if you need Caleb to bash in his kneecaps, he’ll do it in a heartbeat. Actually, all of your brothers will.”
“Oh God, please don’t get my brothers involved. They’ve already stuck their noses into my business. Harrison especially.” Jubilee growled under her breath. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive Harrison for what he did.”
“I can’t blame you there. Sara told me that he told her what he did, and she was so angry for you he was in the doghouse for a week.”
“Then why hasn’t he tried to contact me, either? It’s not like he doesn’t have a phone, or know where I work or live.”
Megan wrinkled her nose. “I have a feeling Harrison is lying low. He’s not that stupid. He doesn’t need another woman twisting his balls off.”
When Jubilee arrived home, she received a text from none other than Harrison. Can we talk? was all it read.
Jubilee’s head hurt, and at that moment, she wasn’t in the mood to forgive her older brother for treating her just like their mother. Maybe it was harsh of her, or petty, but she could only reply, I’m done with talking.
She almost expected Harrison to show up at her door, but he eventually just sent back a single text saying: I understand. I’ll be here, though.
And for whatever reason, that text made her heart clench in pain, and she wished more than anything else that she could lay her head on Heath’s shoulder and tell him all of her troubles.
But you and Heath are over. You need to move on.
She knew that. It was a shame that logic could never be the ruler of one’s heart.
* * *
Despite Principal Anderson’s best intentions, the newspaper article detailing Heath’s arrest was seen by a handful of Fair Haven Elementary. The weeks leading up to winter break were a maelstrom of five parents in particular demanding that Heath resign while Heath’s principal and coworkers stood by him. The loudest parent had been Jessie’s mother, Lana, who had apparently taken his rejection of her harder than Heath had realized. Other parents were more understanding, countering that an arrest didn’t equate with a conviction. But those five parents’ protests were loud enough for the school board to hear, and it was with a heavy heart that Heath handed in his resignation.
And Rich? Caleb and the police force had immediately gone to work, but Rich had somehow managed to disappear into thin air without a trace. Heath didn’t even know if Rich was his real name.
Today was the last day before the kids went on winter break. Heath wasn’t naive enough to think his students hadn’t heard rumblings of what was going on, although they were young enough not to fully understand what it all meant. At the moment, though, they were more preoccupied with going on winter break, already restless and inattentive despite there being three more hours in the school day.
Heath had decided the day would be a fun one, full of art projects and games. His heart twisted in his chest every time he thought about how this was going to be his last day with these kids. Like Jessie, who’d brought him homemade sugar cookies that morning; or Stevie, who never followed along during read-aloud but never failed to make Heath laugh when he told some wild story; or Madison, who’d been so shy at the start of the school year but who now directed an entire group of fellow students on the best way to paint Christmas ornaments.
Bitterness curled in his gut as he watched his class. It wasn’t fair, but he knew he’d done the right thing. He had no idea what he’d do from here on out, although he would still receive a pension from the school, so he wouldn’t be strapped for money right away. Perhaps he could change careers; perhaps he could travel, go somewhere far, far away, instead of looking for Jubilee Thornton around every corner.
“Everyone, I have an announcement,” Heath said near the end of the school day. At his unexpectedly serious tone, his students gave him their attention. Even Stevie stopped doodling to look up in anticipation.
“I’ve really loved having you in my class this year,” he began, emotions welling up already. He cleared his throat. “It’s been an honor to be your teacher. It really has. But I won’t be coming back after winter break.”
His class erupted with surprised exclamations, multiple students asking why simultaneously.
“Where are you going? Are you moving?” Jessie asked. Her eyes shone with tears. “Why?”
“Sometimes in life, you have to give up some things because they just aren’t working out.” He knew it was a vague non-answer, but what else could he say? A few of your parents demanded I leave or they’d drag the entire school through the mud? His jaw clenched just thinking about it.
His students deflated before his very eyes, and a few started crying. Guilt filled him.
“I’m sorry I won’t be here when you come back from winter break, but you should know that I’ll be rooting for you all from the sidelines. You have to promise me that you’ll behave yourselves with the new teacher, okay?”
