I sighed and wondered which way to go. “There was nothing to tell I never found them. I came to a dead end. And later, when I thought it over, I figured it was probably just as well. Finding them would most likely have opened old wounds for them and for us.”
“What do you mean? It wasn’t their fault. The Children’s Aid had to take us because they were sick. You told me that. You told me Dad had tuberculosis and Mom just had poor health all the time. Anyhow, you should have told me. How did you know where to start? I thought of looking for them. That’s one reason why I spend so much time down at the Friendship Centre, to listen for names.”
“Cheryl, I still think it’s best to leave it alone. Just pretend that we never had parents. Leave all that behind us.” I thought that now was the time I should tell Cheryl what I already knew about our parents. They were liars, weaklings, and drunkards. That all the time we were growing up, there was a more important reason for them to live and that was their booze. But no. I couldn’t do that to Cheryl. I couldn’t tell her that alcohol was more important to our parents than their own daughters. I had given her cherished memories of them. I couldn’t take that away now. They were too important for her. Those memories and her too idealistic outlook for the future of native people, those things helped her and gave her something to live for.
I added, “Pretend that we’re orphans.”
“No! They’re our parents, April! And we’re not orphans!” Cheryl eyes blazed. “I want to see them again. Please, April? I have a right to make that decision for myself. You have to tell me where to begin. How do I find them? You’ve got to tell me, April.”
I silently argued with myself. The information I had was dated. Even the notations I had added were now dated. Chances of Cheryl finding our parents were so slim that I was sure she wouldn’t find them. And because I felt that way, I relented.
“Okay, I guess you’re right. Mr. Wendell is the one who gave me the old addresses and names. I guess they were places where our parents used to stay. A lot of the places have been torn down and I’ve marked that down so you won’t have to go there. But Cheryl, when I went to those places and saw the living conditions, well, I would hold my breath so I wouldn’t smell the stink or breathe in the germs. I’d try not to touch anything, everything was so dirty. And if they offered me anything to eat or drink, I’d refuse because I was sure their cupboards were infested with bugs. I’d back away from people so I wouldn’t get their lice. I didn’t feel sorry for them, Cheryl. All I felt was contempt. They were disgusting people. And maybe, just maybe, our parents are part of that. And if that’s where we came from, I sure don’t want to go back. That’s why I’m happy with my life here. Happiness to those people was a bottle of beer in their hands. I vowed to myself then that no way was I ever going to end up like them or live in places like theirs. So, Cheryl, if you want to criticize me for my lifestyle, then go ahead, because if I can help it, I’m not ever going to change it.”
“Oh, April, I didn’t know why you felt the way you did. I didn’t mean to criticize you. I just wanted to rouse you out of your passive state. I just wanted you to be aware of who we are, what we are and what’s been happening to us.”
“If you’re referring to all the negative aspects of native life, I think it’s because they allow it to happen to them. Life is what you make it. We made our lives good. It wasn’t always easy but we did make it. And they are responsible for their lives.”
“I don’t agree with you. We had a lot of luck in our lives. We’ve had opportunities which other native people never had. Just knowing what being independent is like, is an opportunity. But that’s not the point right now. I still want to look for our parents. Okay?”
“I doubt that you’ll find them after all this time, but okay.” I sighed and went over to one of my dressers. As I looked through the dresser drawers, I said, “They usually move from town to town from what I understand. I really think it’s going to be a waste of your time.”
“Well, I’ve got to give it a try. Need some help looking? What do you need all these clothes for? I bet you don’t wear half of them.”
“Critizing again, are we?. Here it is. My shoe box. Now this is classy, isn’t it?” I held up an old shoe box where I had hidden away my past.
Cheryl looked through the papers and asked, “How come you kept all this stuff if you weren’t planning to ever look for them again?”
“I don’t know. Some deep, profound motive, I guess. Maybe my last link with my parents. Who knows?”
We copied the names and addresses down and Cheryl said confidently, “When I find them, I’ll let you know. Wouldn’t it be great to have a family reunion?”
I smiled. Realistically? Nothing could be worse.
This time, when Cheryl and I parted at the airport, I knew it was more realistic to acknowledge there would never be a complete honesty between us. And then again, as long as my mouth kept running over, I just might spill out everything I had tried to protect her from. Cheryl, on the other hand, had nothing to hide. For one thing, she never worried about what people thought of her. Only what she thought about them, was what mattered to her. She was like a stalk in a field of grain which never bent to the mighty winds of authority. At the same time, that stalk could bend to the gentle breezes of compassion. That was Cheryl.
CHAPTER 10
I watched her plane taxi down the runway and gather speed, until its wheels no longer touched the ground. I watched until I could see it no more. Suddenly, I felt so empty. So alone. Funny I should have felt that way when Bob was right there beside me. On the drive back home, he was as preoccupied with his thoughts as I was with mine so we didn’t say much.
Sunday dinner that evening, was eaten in silence and not even Bob and his mother made any conversation. The atmosphere reinforced my feelings of loneliness. As usual, Bob and his mother retired to his office to plan the coming week’s business strategy. I went upstairs to our room. I was restless and didn’t know why, I turned the television set on but there were no programs which interested me. I left it on just for the sound of voices. I looked at a book, then another. That was no good either. It wasn’t the first time I had felt this way but it was the worst. This bored restlessness which usually came after big parties or large gatherings. And now, Cheryl was gone. She was the one person with whom I felt completely relaxed and comfortable. Maybe if I had something of my own to do, something which involved…what? Useless, that’s what I was. Bob had his business. Cheryl had her great cause. I had nothing. I had everything I ever wanted, yet I had nothing. Bob’s mother and, therefore, I were on many charitable organizations but none of them grabbed my heart or loyalty. Bob and I had our group of friends but I felt I had access to them only as long as Bob was with me. Of course, I did find our own age group much more interesting than the older ladies with whom Mother Radcliff surrounded herself.
Cheryl and I wrote monthly letters to each other but the chasm between us had widened and there was less to say in our letters. I found that I was writing about Heather Langdon who had joined our crowd. I told Cheryl that I wanted to be more like Heather because she so enjoyed living. Then I scratched that part out and rewrote that Heather was a lot like Cheryl in that she lived by her own approval, not that of others. Just like Cheryl.
I guess Cheryl was having the same problem because in her letters, she dwelled on her ongoing search for our parents. Where I had spent a month of weekends and quit, she wouldn’t. I worried. Then in May, her letter said that she had finally given up. I was relieved. I didn’t know what she would have done if she had found our parents. I hadn’t even wanted to think about that possibility. Now that she had ended her search, I no longer worried about how shocked and disillusioned she would have been. My conclusion about alcoholism was that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And if one’s own children weren’t enough reason for one to recover, then there could be no reason at all.
Her letters began to arrive less and less frequently. When she did writ
e, it was about her education and her work at the Friendship Centre. I found myself again in the position of envying her. She had a reason for being. She was her own person. I merely existed, comfortably, surrounded by socially prominent people. But I felt that I really didn’t belong. That feeling grew worse as the months went by. I didn’t belong because I didn’t care. Not the way the others did. I was quite content to let Mother Radcliff and Bob run my social life. I performed all my duties as expected.
That September, I picked out a very expensive IBM Selectric typewriter for Cheryl’s birthday. That was something she could appreciate. I even thought it might be nice to go back to Winnipeg to spend some time with Cheryl. I tried phoning but found that the service had been disconnected. I wrote Cheryl immediately, offering financial aid if she needed it. She wrote back to say that she was hardly ever home and didn’t need a phone. As if to emphasize her point, she also told me that she had been invited to Brandon over the Christmas holidays. I felt as if she were abandoning me, because I read between the lines that she didn’t want me in Winnipeg.
Christmas passed. New Year’s 1971 came and all the festivities were meaningless to me. I continued to feel blue. Acutally, I don’t know why they say ‘blue’ when it’s more like grey. The year of 1971 was to be a year of many changes for me. My feelings of inadequacy and boredom turned to resentment and jealousy. I came to hate how Heather and Bob could laugh together so easily as if they were sharing private jokes. Suspicions set in and I began nagging Bob in private. Meaningful conversation between us had all but disappeared, not that we had all that much to begin with. I guess all he could see was my totally negative side and he couldn’t see any reason for it. I couldn’t have explained it to him at the time anyhow, since I didn’t quite know what was going on inside of me. Mother Radcliff even showed an open disgust for me because on different occasions, I had rebelled and refused to perform my social duties. But that was okay because I was just as disgusted with her and her snobbish friends and her card games and her charitable works, done only so she would be identified as a philanthropist. All these people lived for one or two things: money and power. They were hypocrites, all of them. Charming to each other when they were face to face, but get them into separate rooms and their tongues could cut like knives. They were such superficial people.
Yes, I became quite adept at this, seeing all the negative sides of everybody and critizing them to high heaven to myself. It occurred to me that I had thoroughly criticized the native people and here I was, now doing the same thing to white people. Maybe that’s what being a half-breed was all about, being a critic-at-large.
I suppose things could have continued like that for a long time but in August, I overheard a conversation between Mother Radcliff and Heather that ‘roused me out of my passive state’ and got me fighting mad. A few days earlier, Bob and I had had a big fight. To make up for it, Bob had decided to take time off work and take me out for the day. We had planned to start out right after breakfast. I was amused at Mother Radcliff’s obvious chagrin. But then Bob and I had another difference of opinion in our bedroom that morning and he left in his car without me. I was so embarrassed that I stayed in my room, planning to wait until Bob returned. Our bedroom, on the second floor, had a covered balcony which overlooked a private garden. I had moved to the balcony when the maid had come to clean our room.
It was about noon when I heard a car drive up. I checked to see who it was and saw Heather walking up to the front door. I wondered why she was here. I knew she and Mother Radcliff didn’t have that close a friendship that they would lunch together. I went back to the lounge to continue reading, curious about what was going on downstairs. I didn’t have long to wait. They came out into the garden below, where we sometimes had our lunches. Their voices drifted up to me and I could clearly hear everything they were saying.
“I would like to get straight to the point. Is this affair with Bob serious or are you just toying around with him?” The voice was Mother Radcliff’s.
An affair? With Bob? Serious? I couldn’t believe I was hearing right. Not Heather. She was my friend. Bob was my husband.
“Of course it’s serious. And there’s nothing you can do about it, this time. You knew how we felt about each other when you broke us up before. And don’t deny it. I’m not as naive as I used to be. No, it won’t be long before Bob asks April for a divorce.” Heather sounded smug.
“As I told you on the phone, I have no intentions of breaking anything up. As a matter of fact, I fully approve. But it doesn’t appear that a divorce will take place all that soon when he starts taking time off work to spend with her,” Mother Radcliff responded.
I heard Heather scoff at that and say, “Well, he’s taken a lot more time off for me, I’m sure. But I can’t help wondering how come, now that he’s married, you approve of Bob and me? I know you purposely went out of your way to have me at that New Year’s party. What do you have against April, anyways? Why don’t you want her for a daughter-in-law? I just want to know so I don’t make the same mistake she’s obviously made.”
“Didn’t you notice her sister? They’re Indians, Heather. Well, not Indians but half-breeds which is almost the same. And they’re not half-sisters. They have the same father and the same mother. That’s the trouble with mixed races. You never know how they’re going to turn out. And I would simply dread being grandmother to a bunch of snivelling little half-breeds! The only reason I can think of why Bob married her after knowing what she was, was simply to get back at me. This has been on my mind since the first time I saw her sister. I had hoped that, that a natural course would have followed and that Bob would come to reason it out my way. I certainly don’t know what he sees in her to have remained married to her all this time.” Mother Radcliff sighed as if she had suffered so much. Then she continued. “Well, I had my doubts as to how serious he was with you because of days like today.”
Heather shrugged it off. “So, you knew all about it. Well, don’t worry. Bob’s a husband with a guilty conscience. He’ll realize that April’s not in our league and the best thing for her is a divorce. I’ll make sure.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Of course, we’ll give her a nice large settlement to pacify her.”
‘You are so bloody right,’ I almost shouted. Perhaps they said more about me, I don’t know. With my face burning hotly and my heart pounding like a war drum, I headed downstairs to confront them. They were both surprised and off-balance when I stepped out on the terrace to face them.
I had always treated Heather with a certain amount of awe and respect, even after my suspicions had set in because I had hoped it was all my imagination. And I had also given Mother Radcliff her due respect. But in that moment, I eyed them contemptuously and they realized I had overheard them.
“What are you doing here?” Mother Radcliff asked.
I was still breathing hard. Ignoring her question, I said, “You two make me sick!”
I looked at Heather. “You, you pretended friendship all this time. I trusted you! Oh sure, I suspected. I’m not blind. But I thought it was my imagination. I hoped it was my Imagination. That Bob’s mother would rather have a person like you, a hypocrite, an adultress, as her daughter-in-law, rather than risk a few grandchildren who would have Indian blood in them, well, that’s beyond my comprehension.”
“Now, there’s no need…” Mother Radcliff started to cut in.
I turned on her and cut her off. “And you! You make everyone that comes within your reach into puppets. But thank you very much for cutting my strings. And thank God I didn’t become pregnant by your son. I wouldn’t want the seed of your blood passed on to my children!” With that, I turned my back on them in a deliberate gesture and walked out.
A little later, when I was up in my room I heard Heather’s car start up and she drove away. My heavy breathing returned to normal. My trembling rage subsided. I had to figure out what to do. Only one thing was certain. They were going to give me a large settlement
. A very large settlement!
Well! I had seen through them, yet didn’t even know it. All my criticisms were justified. My big fight with Bob had been about Heather. Turned out, he was a liar, too. Just like my parents had been. Married me only to get back at his mother. Heather, deceiving me with friendship, while all the time she only wanted Bob. Mother Radcliff, making me call her ‘mother’ when she so detested what I was. And then there was Cheryl. She had told me how it would be but I hadn’t believed her. And although I had the same thoughts as Barbara Radcliff about children, it was unforgivable for her to tell them to someone like Heather. I did have a fear of producing brown-skinned babies. How could I give my loving to such children when I still felt self-conscious about Cheryl? Well, this wasn’t the real issue. I had to plan a course of action. First thing I’d have to do would be to see a lawyer.
I called Ronald Feldman, whom I heard from past conversations, was a good divorce lawyer. I phoned him and he said he couldn’t see me for two weeks but he suggested that if I were serious about filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery that I should cease living with Bob, I thought that meant I had to move out immediately.
Next I phoned Bob at work. I wasn’t surprised to find him there, nor that he was cold and distant with me. I demanded that he come home at once as an urgent matter had come up. While I waited for him, I looked through the newspapers and phoned to inquire about different apartments for rent. The thought of living in a huge empty place was depressing. I didn’t know anyone who would go out of their way to come and visit me. What I also needed was a job to keep me occupied. Still, I knew from past experience that evenings could be long and lonely. Maybe I would get so lonely I’d join the ranks of women who frequented singles bars. I spotted a column under the heading of ‘Shared Accommodation’. That would be better than living alone. I phoned and was able to make some appointments for the following day. For now, I could stay in a hotel. I looked forward to a new life where I wouldn’t be controlled by anyone else. I felt as if the sun were coming out from behind the clouds and it was a wonderful relief to know that there was still a sun. Aloud, I said, “Oh, I know you didn’t mean to, ‘Mother’ Radcliff, but you’ve made me a happy woman.”
April Raintree Page 12
