“Oh, Elle, that doesn’t come as a surprise. You more or less made that clear the night you drove me home to the Horn. I tried not to take it personally.” He smiled and shook his head. “Besides, you seemed to get past all of that pretty quickly.”
“I’m trying. And most of the time when I’m with you, the thought never enters my mind. But at other times, I feel very guilty and confused.”
Seeing the agony in her eyes, he realized that this went far deeper than resentment over a speeding ticket or some other simple infraction of the law.
Gently rubbing his hand against her upper arm, he urged her to go on. “I can’t imagine you having anything to feel guilty about. If you’ve had some sort of serious brushup with the law, I’ll understand.”
She looked at him for long, agonizing moments. Finally she said, “Five years ago, a policeman shot my brother, Andy. He died from his wounds.”
Evan was stunned. No, he was more than that. He was aching for this woman who had become so important to him. “Oh. When you said that he’d died, I figured it was from a medical problem. Or an accident. Was this an accidental shooting?”
“That’s the way the police department ruled it. You see, Andy had gone with a few of his friends to a convenience store not far from where they lived. He wasn’t aware that they were going to commit armed robbery. At least, that’s what the police inquiry reported, after it was too late. When the police arrived, Andy was—well, in the middle of the chaos, and he was shot down by one of the policemen. Ironically, his buddies were arrested, unharmed.”
“What happened to the policeman who did the shooting?”
She shrugged, but he could see that there was nothing indifferent about the pain in her eyes. “He was suspended until the investigation was over, then reinstated after he was cleared of any wrongdoing.”
“I see,” Evan said thoughtfully. “And what did you think about the decision? That it was wrong? That justice hadn’t been served in the death of your brother?”
The breath that rushed past her lips was more like a shaky sob. “Something like that. I thought someone ought to pay for taking his life. He was only eighteen.”
“I think I would’ve been feeling the same way. Even now, if something like that happened to one of my siblings, I’m not sure I could continue working in the office. Losing a loved one like that would skew my whole way of thinking toward the law.”
Surprise pushed some of the dark shadows from her eyes. “Do you really mean that?”
“Every word.”
Her features crumpled with regret. “Oh, Evan, you said you didn’t take it personally when I voiced my dislike of lawmen. But you should have, because I meant it personally. Up until a few weeks ago, I held a low opinion of you all. But then, when I found you in the gulch that day—when I started to get to know you—something inside me began to change. And after we visited your grandparents in Virginia City, I realized it was wrong of me to blame you for losing my brother.”
As she spoke the last few words, tears began to roll down her face. His need to console her was so deep and intense that for a moment, his throat was too choked to speak. All he could do was gather her closely and cradle her head against his shoulder.
“Oh, Elle, sweetheart, it’s all going to be okay,” he finally managed to whisper against the top of her head. “This isn’t something that’s going to come between the two of us. Not now. Not ever.”
Lifting her head from his shoulder, she looked at him with wet, troubled eyes. “But it will, Evan! I—”
Before she could go on, he urged her over to the couch. “Come with me,” he said gently. “You need to sit.”
She allowed him to lead her back to the couch. Once they were settled and facing each other, the urge to brace her and keep her safely at his side had him reaching for both her hands.
Squeezing them tightly, he prompted her, “All right, finish what you were about to say.”
“I’ll try.” Closing her eyes, she shook her head. “I don’t know how to make you understand. But the other night—that first night we went to bed together, I—well, I wasn’t expecting it to be so…special. I expected it to be a onetime thing, and I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter you were a lawman. But it hasn’t turned out that way. You came back.”
“Didn’t you want me to?”
“Yes,” she whispered hoarsely. “More than you know. And that makes me feel very guilty somehow. Like I’m turning my back on my brother.”
“By being with me? That doesn’t make sense, Elle.”
“I agree. It doesn’t make any sense. I—just can’t help how I feel. That’s why I wanted to tell you all of this. Because it wasn’t fair to keep it from you. Not if we plan to keep seeing each other.”
The mere fact that she was willing to share this painful part of her life with him was a start for their future, he thought. Whatever that future might be.
“I’m glad you decided to tell me, Elle. And I’d like to hear a little about Andy. What kind of relationship did you have with him?”
He could see from the expression on her face that his question surprised her. Maybe she thought he didn’t care. Maybe a part of her was still thinking of him as a shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of lawman. The notion bothered him. But not nearly enough to walk away from her. He couldn’t imagine anything bothering him that much.
“I was five years older than Andy, so there was a bit of an age gap between us. But when we were small, we were close. We had to be. Our parents were gone so much that most of the time, it was just the two of us rambling around in a huge house with nothing but a nanny, a cook and a maid. I think Andy was more affected by our parents’ absence than I was. He liked sports and began playing basketball in grade school. He desperately wanted Dad to take an interest and would often beg him to come to the games.”
“Did he?”
A mocking frown turned down the corners of her lips. “Oh, once in a while Dad would make a half-hearted effort to show up. But kids are smart. They know when someone isn’t sincere. Anyway, by the time Andy reached high school, he’d given up on sports. He’d given up on everything, especially his parents. He drifted into a bad crowd and eventually left home.”
“Did your parents try to intervene? Or get him help?”
“They sent him to a therapist. That was the easiest way to fix things, or so they thought. Neither of them realized the only way to turn Andy’s life around was to invest their time and love in him.” She sighed, and her troubled gaze dropped to their entwined hands. “But I’m just as guilty, Evan. I should’ve been a better sister. I should’ve tried harder to make him feel loved and wanted.”
Even though Evan had seen similar situations with juveniles, he couldn’t fathom the pain and worry that reverberated through the whole family when a child took the wrong track in life. Evan’s parents had always been rock steady for him and his brothers. Even their crusty grandfather Bart had guided them with a love that was tough, yet sincere. It never occurred to Evan or his brothers to rebel. There’d been no reason for them to.
Releasing his hold on her hands, he reached over and stroked the curtain of brown hair away from her shoulder. “I’m sure you were a good sister.”
“Not good enough.”
Cupping his hand beneath her chin, he urged her gaze back to his. “You know, Elle,” he said gently, “I think you blame yourself for Andy’s death more than you do the policeman who mistakenly shot him.”
She stared at him, and he could see a mixture of thoughts and emotions parading through her eyes.
“I’ve always felt guilty that I didn’t do more,” she said in a strained voice. “But hearing you put it in words—yes, I’m afraid you’re right.”
“Then don’t you think it’s time you forgive yourself? That you move on and allow yourself to be happy again?”
> Her brown eyes searched his face for a moment longer. Then, with a little sob, she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
“Oh, Evan, I do want to move on—with you. If you still want me.”
“Want you? Oh, sweetheart, if I want you any more, I’m going to burst wide-open.”
She lifted her head from his shoulder, and her lips quivered as she tried to give him a suggestive smile. “Then maybe we should go to the bedroom, and you can show me just how much you want me. That would definitely give me a start at being happy.”
With a low chuckle, he brought his lips close to hers. “I’m here to serve and protect.”
She kissed him, then rose to her feet, tugging him along with her. And as she led him toward the bedroom, Evan refused to think about all she’d just told him. He refused to let himself think beyond tomorrow and the obstacles still standing between them. Right now, making love to Noelle was all that mattered.
Chapter Ten
Later that week, on Friday evening, Evan was in his bedroom getting dressed for Sassy’s Christmas party when a short knock sounded on the door. His older brother strode into the room.
“Hey, Clancy. Looks like you’re all ready,” Evan said as he eyed his brother’s tall figure dressed in jeans and boots and a fancy Western shirt. “Does Olivia feel like going tonight?”
Clancy grinned at the mention of his pregnant wife. “She’s feeling great. All she can talk about is what Sassy is going to have to eat.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Evan reached for his boots. “Well, she is eating for two now.”
“Yeah. I still have to pinch myself sometimes. A few months ago, Olivia was just a memory I couldn’t get over. Now she’s my wife, and our baby is on the way. Sometimes it scares me to be this happy.”
Even though Olivia had been pregnant before she and Clancy had gotten married, Clancy couldn’t have been happier about their coming baby. “You deserve it, brother,” Evan said. “You and Olivia went through some long years without each other.”
Clancy walked over to the dresser and picked up a photo of their late mother, Claudia. “You know, I think Mom would be happy with the way this family is growing. She always talked about having grandchildren.”
Jerking the hem of his jeans down over the shaft of his boots, Evan glanced up at his brother. Clancy’s baby would arrive in a few months, their brother Rafe already had a baby daughter, and Sassy was about to have her second child. Evan was happy for all of his siblings, though there were times he looked at them and wondered whether he would ever have the chance to be a father. He’d always wanted children and dreamed about having a family of his own, but after his engagement fell apart, he’d tried not to dwell on all the things he was missing in his life.
“I think I never really understood just what a wonderful mother Mom was until she passed away,” he said.
“Mmm. I don’t think people ever fully appreciate what they have until it’s gone.” Clancy put the photo back on the dresser and walked over to where Evan was still sitting on the edge of the bed. “Sorry, I didn’t stop by to talk family. I wanted to see if you’d like to ride with me and Olivia over to Sassy and Jett’s. We’d be glad to have your company, and there’s no need for you to take an extra vehicle.”
For some ridiculous reason, Evan felt his face turn a shade darker. “Thanks, brother, but I’m going to be leaving in just a few minutes to pick up a date.”
Clancy reared back with surprise. “You’re taking an honest-to-goodness date to our sister’s Christmas party?”
Evan grimaced. “Why do you sound so shocked? I’m not ready for the retirement rocker yet.”
“You’d better not be, because I’m a year older than you,” Clancy retorted teasingly. “So who’s the woman? Anybody we know?”
“Noelle Barnes. I thought I told you she went with me a couple of weeks ago to visit Granddad and Grandmother. Or maybe I didn’t. A lot has happened since then. Work has been crazy.”
“The area around here must have had a sudden rash of crimes. You’ve been away from the house for the past several nights.”
Clancy followed his remark with a knowing chuckle, but Evan didn’t so much as crack a smile. Now that he’d gotten so much closer to Noelle, he was also beginning to worry himself silly over her safety. And perhaps that was a natural thing, for a man to want to protect the woman he cared for. But he’d never felt this way toward Bianca, and for a while she’d been his fiancée. Did that mean he was already in love with Noelle?
“Actually, there are some things going on.” Rising to his feet, he stuffed the tails of his shirt into the waistband of his jeans. “And it’s worrying me about Noelle. She lives alone, in the middle of nowhere. The body that was found a few weeks ago had been dumped very close to her property. We haven’t solved the case yet. I’m afraid she might see something that could put her in danger or be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Clancy’s expression turned to one of concern. “Wow, Evan, you sound serious about this—about her. Are you?”
For the past several days, Evan had been asking himself that very question. Did he want Noelle always to be in his life? Did he want to make a future, a family with her? They hadn’t known each other very long. They were still learning about each other. Yet from the moment he’d woken up in the gulch that day and looked into her velvety brown eyes, something had snared his heart. But he’d been so wrong about Bianca that he wasn’t sure he could trust his judgment where women were concerned. Maybe there were things about Noelle that he needed to see, but the attraction he felt for her was blinding him.
“I don’t know, Clancy. She’s nothing like Bianca. In fact, she’s the furthest thing from Bianca that you can imagine. And I’ll admit I’m crazy about her. Just being with her makes me happy. But as for marriage—well, I don’t want one of these disposable relationships that couples seem to have nowadays. Whenever I marry, it’s going to be for the rest of my life. I want to make sure I’m getting it right.”
With an understanding smile, Clancy reached over and squeezed Evan’s shoulder. “Well, just try not to take ten years to figure it out like I did. That’s too much time to waste.”
* * *
Sassy and her husband, Jett, lived on the J Bar S, a nice-size ranch located in the northeast corner of the county and a few miles off the highway that led to Virginia City. During the drive from Noelle’s house, Evan explained that Jett had worked as the Calhoun family lawyer for years before they discovered their long-lost half sister. Jett had fallen for Sassy as he helped her figure out the truth about her parentage. And with Jett virtually growing up with the five brothers, he was more to the family than simply a brother-in-law.
“So how long have Jett and Sassy been married?” Noelle asked.
“I can’t remember exactly. Probably a little more than two years, and they’ve been as happy as a pair of songbirds ever since.”
She glanced curiously over at him. “You sound as though you’re surprised about that.”
Evan shrugged. “I guess it does surprise me, in a way. Jett had gone through a hellish marriage and divorce, and Sassy is still very young—much younger than Jett. On top of that, when Jett first met her, she was pregnant. So it wasn’t like they had a smooth start. But now—well, she’s expecting their second child soon, and I’m happy to say they fit together like a pair of old gloves.”
“That’s so nice to hear. I’m looking forward to meeting them. But I can’t help wondering if I look okay.” She cast an anxious glance down at herself. “It’s been years since I’ve gone to a party, and you didn’t tell me whether this was going to be a casual or dress-up affair. If we walk into your sister’s home and the women are wearing long gowns, I’m going to feel like an idiot.”
From behind the steering wheel of his truck, Evan glanced over
at Noelle’s lovely image. She wore a red dress that draped across her breasts and accentuated her slender waist. A pair of brown knee-high dress boots covered her long legs. Her waist-length hair was twisted into an elaborate knot at the back of her head and secured with a glittery barrette. She looked nothing like the cowgirl who’d shoved him into Lonesome’s saddle and guided him out of the dry gulch.
“If you looked any better, I couldn’t stand it. Besides, you’re worrying for nothing. This is just a family gathering. And Sassy and Olivia are both outdoor girls like you. They surely won’t be wearing designer duds. Neither will Rafe’s wife, Lilly. She’s very down-to-earth, too.”
“That’s good, because I don’t own any designer clothes. Not anymore,” she added.
He chuckled. “Come to think of it, I don’t own any, either.”
She said, “My parents used to have so many social gatherings that I became numb to them. Now the majority of my conversations are with cattle and horses. I hope I can remember how to interact with people. The last thing I want to do is embarrass you in front of your family.”
Evan reached across the seat and squeezed her hand. “You could never do that, pretty lady.”
She smiled at him, then glanced out the window at the dark landscape. “I hope your family doesn’t read too much into my being at the party tonight. That could be embarrassing, too.”
“Why?”
Shrugging, she looked over at him. “Because we’re lovers. We’re not engaged or anything close to it.”
“Would you like for us to be? Engaged, that is?”
Her lips parted with surprise, and then she laughed. “Oh, Evan, don’t start teasing me with something like that now. I’m already a nervous wreck. Besides, even if you were serious, neither one of us is the marrying kind. So let’s just hope none of your family brings up the subject.”
* * *
Later that night, after Noelle had met Evan’s beautiful family and everyone was sitting around the dinner table, her thoughts kept going back to the remark he’d made on the trip over.
The Lawman's Noelle (Men of the West Book 31) Page 14
