I yank my hand away from the tip of her nose and I take a stumbling step back. I’ve never seen a face so big. Her nose alone is bigger than I am.
“She used to stand for freedom, before the wars.” Chance’s face is drawn as he looks at the woman for a moment. Then his eyes flash to mine. “She’s here to warn the Virtuous that we won’t go down without a fight. We’ll always fight for our freedom.”
I swallow hard at his words. I take a last look at the fallen face that means so much to Chance and the Dissolute, before I have to run to catch up to them. Freedom, a word that belongs with faith and hope, words we were never allowed to say.
~*~
Chapter Three
Windows have been broken out and it must’ve happened a while ago, because there are no shards of glass on the ground, as we walk past the buildings. I stumble over a hole in the ground where bricks have been lifted out. We pass overturned bins, metal ones, not the plastic ones the Virtuous use for trash.
“We have to go up. We are easy targets down here,” Chance says, but it doesn’t make sense. Up where? Then he pulls down a warped ladder, one that’s seen better days. “Every second step is loose, don’t step on it.”
My shoulders slump at this bit of news. Today is just not turning out to be my day. Chance continues, “Let’s do this as quiet as possible. I’d like to get to the tracks without a bullet in my back.”
I scan our surroundings for whatever threat he’s referring to, but see nothing in the dark backstreet we’re standing in. Chance reaches high up and pulls himself up with ease. I stare, my mouth dropping open. There is just no way I’m going to be able to reach that high. I know I should stop staring but I’ve never seen someone do something like that. Chance steps onto the third step, and I swallow hard. It’s too high. There’s just no way of me making that step.
“Jasper,” Chance’s voice is a low murmur and my eyes dart back to him. He holds his right hand out to me. It’s the last thing I expected from him, “come on.”
I move closer waiting for him to tell me what to do. My body is tense. I wipe my hands on the back of my pants to make sure they’re dry. I don’t want to slip halfway up.
“Take hold of my wrist.” My fingers don’t even wrap halfway around his wrist. His fingers wrap tightly around my wrist. “I’m going to pull you up until you’re next to me. Just put your feet next to mine.” He sounds different now, calm, not so upset any more.
As he pulls me up, heat flushes through me. I concentrate on putting my feet next to his and I grab hold of the ladder. He lets go of my arm, and grabbing hold of the pole next to my head he moves in behind me.
With a racing heart I press closer to the ladder. I stiffen even more when his breath stirs the hair at the very top of my head, and I tell myself to breathe slower. I don’t want him to notice how nervous I am. From Ethan holding my hand, to Aaron hitting me, to Chance practically pressing his whole body against mine – there’s just too much touching!
“You’re small.” I roll my eyes, like I haven’t heard that before. But he’s helping me, so I concentrate hard on evening out my breaths and listening to him instead. “Just climb ahead of me. Count every second step from our hands. Skip the others.”
“Okay,” I say, and climb up to the first step. The metal is cold beneath my hands and I have to really stretch my body to skip the loose ones.
I don’t know why he let me go first, it’s nerve wracking to say the least. With three men behind me, it’s not helping my already fragile nerves, and now I’m self-aware, too. I know I shouldn’t think of such things, but I really hope I look okay from behind. Gosh! I hope they don’t look up!
The next step I’m supposed to reach for is missing. Does that mean I have to reach for the one above it? I hesitate, that would be the loose one, wouldn’t it?
“Is there a problem?” Chance asks from below, sending a flurry of nervous tension streaking through my body.
I feel the step move beneath my feet as Chance takes hold of it. I have to move! I test the step with my right hand, and it feels solid enough. Taking hold with both my hands I lift my right foot to the next step.
“Let go now!” Chance suddenly hisses in my ear.
His arm circles my waist, his hand pressing hard over my ribs. My fingers spring lose from the step and I yank my arms back to my chest. I feel the warmth of his body as he holds me tightly to him. His chest is hard and tense. Only, his heart isn’t racing as fast as mine. I can feel the slow rhythmic beat of his.
“I said every second one is loose. Listen!” he snaps. My ear heats up as his breath rushes over it.
“It was gone,” I whimper, and I start to tremble which is not good. I need to calm down. He’s going to leave me behind.
“Okay.” I hear him take a deep breath. “There’s nowhere for you to put your feet, so I’m going to lift you to the next one. Grab hold and hang tight,” he says, his voice is much calmer.
My mind freezes the second his fingers fan out over my ribs. It’s for better grip I tell myself. I’ve never been held so tightly by another person, a man – not even my father, when he hugged me goodbye this morning.
“Jasper!” I snap out of my thoughts. “Hands by my hand. Dammit, woman, concentrate!”
A blush heats my cheeks. I grab hold of the step and our fingers touch. His chest presses into my back, and we’re so close I’m scared he’s going to feel my heart racing.
“Concentrate. I’m not doing this alone,” he hisses.
I have to swallow in order to create some form of moistness in my dry throat.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and wipe my hands on my chest the moment he takes hold of me again.
“It’s easy,” he says. I’m glad he thinks so! He takes a breath and wisps of hair tickle my cheek. “Just put your hands where mine are. I’ll lift you to the next one again. It looks as if you can climb further from there on out.” His fingers fan over my side again, and he lifts me. I grab and hold, my feet dangling for a split-second, before I feel his breath on my ear and his arm around my waist.
“Okay, we’re almost there.”
I glance down. I don’t see the street below – I see his arm around my waist. I see how firm it is. I shake my head and focus. No thinking of arms around my waist, no firmness, no muscles, no nothing!
I step up and he lets go of me. We climb in silence the rest of the way. I concentrate hard on the next step. I try to ignore these mixed emotions I have never felt before, as they make a mushy mess of my insides.
My arms are burning and my fingers are numb by the time I reach the rooftop. A smile spreads across my face as I pull myself over the edge. I scramble to get out of the way. I did something hard for the first time in my life, and although Chance helped, I still did it! It feels good.
I rub my arms as I watch first Chance, then Ethan and Aaron, climb onto the rooftop. Not once did I think of Ethan and Aaron, and whether they were okay. A pang of guilt stabs at my heart for a moment.
“Thank you, Chance,” I say, when it looks like we’re about to get going again. He just nods before walking away. Just because he helped me climb a ladder doesn’t mean we’re friends.
~*~
I have another thing coming if I think the ladder was hard to climb. It pales in comparison with what lies ahead.
“Watch me, Jasper. Just do what I do,” Chance says. He walks to the middle point of the rooftop and glances at me over his shoulder. “You can do it.” The words barely register when he breaks out into a sprint and my breath sticks in my throat the moment his body goes airborne – for a moment he flies, his arms wide at his side, then he pulls his legs in and disappears.
My heart drops. I run to the edge of the building and see him straightening out on the rooftop of the next building.
“I’ll never make it.” The words rush from my lungs.
I watch Aaron go next and wonder if there is a way for me to go down the ladder I just came up with.
“We’ll catch y
ou on the other side,” Ethan says, and then he breaks out into a sprint, and I watch him leap into the air. They’re all insane, crazy-insane! How can they just jump?
My throat closes up and I walk back to where they started sprinting from. My feet feel glued to the rooftop, refusing to move. I can already imagine my body splatting on the road beneath.
I take a deep breath, in and out, through my teeth. “Come on, Jasper, you can do this. If they can, you can.” I try to encourage myself, but it’s not working. My voice is trembling as much as my body. “Just do it,” I squeal and break out in a sprint.
Halfway to the edge I stop, shrieking and covering my face. Cold prickles run over my body. I’m going to die! I’m going to fall and it’s going to hurt so bad when I hit the ground.
“Jai!” I hear Chance call. I walk a few steps closer until I can see him. “Listen to me,” he says. I start nodding, my whole body trembling. “Are you listening to me?”
“Y-yes,” I sputter the word out.
“Jai, you’re going to be just fine. Run as fast as you can and just jump. I’ll catch you. I won’t let you fall. You’ll be fine.” He sounds pretty sure of himself. It’s not him I’m worried about. It’s the me jumping part in this whole equation. He hasn’t seen me jump yet. At school I always went under the poles instead of over them. I suck so bad at sports. “Go back and run. I’m waiting for you.”
I walk back and take a few breaths. It doesn’t help at all, I’m still breathless. I close my eyes and try to imagine a straight road in front of me, and I start to run. I pump my legs fast and hard. The edge comes closer and my heart pounds loudly in my ears as I leap into the night. I shriek so loud I’m pretty sure everyone in this city now knows where we are.
A cold wind rushes over my heated skin. I don’t stay up as long as they did. I drop fast. I stretch my body out as far as I can, trying to give myself more length. My arms slam hard into the side of the building, and pain streaks up into my shoulders. Prickles of fear spread through my body, when I start to slide back into the dark night. There’s nothing to take hold of.
“Chance.” I whimper desperately.
Fingers dig hard into my arms, right above my elbows. The hold is firm as I’m pulled up and over the rooftop to safety. I grab hold of the first thing I can, a shirt – Chance’s shirt. To further my embarrassment, I can’t stop myself from plummeting right into him. His hands move to my shoulders and it might be my overactive and terrified brain, but they rest there for a heartbeat, or two, before he helps me to stand on my very unstable feet.
“The next one won’t be as bad. Come on.”
I straighten out my shirt and watch them get ready.
“Why do we have to do this? Why can’t we walk on the streets?” I ask the question because my nerves are tattered threads after the jump and now they expect me to do it again. I need to catch my breath before having to attempt the next jump. My legs feel too numb to move.
“Trackers. They know you come through the gate on the seventh day of the seventh month. They’ll come looking for you. It’s what they are trained to do. There’s no reward if they don’t deliver.”
“Deliver what?” I ask, but Chance is already running again.
“They need to deliver every single one of us,” Ethan says.
First rebels and now trackers? What kind of world have I been sent into where a Dissolute has to keep me from being killed by people who calls themselves rebels and trackers?
~*~
The second jump goes better, I don’t miss the building entirely, but Chance still has to help me up. I also manage to not grab hold of him like a scared wimp. I consider that a good thing. I don’t want him to see me as a nuisance.
By the fourth jump I think I’m getting the hang of how I should stretch my body and hold my arms. The landing part not so much. My hands are chafed, and I’m sure my right knee is bleeding from banging it into the rooftop with the last jump. Although the men say nothing, I feel proud of myself. I know that’s wrong, to feel proud, it’s a vice but I can’t help it.
“We have to jump into that building,” Chance says, pointing downward, slightly to the right.
My pride disappears when I see the hole he is pointing at. It’s big, but even when I turn my head sideways I can’t see a way for me to make the jump.
I scan the building for another way. I could jump to the rooftop and climb down. I could try and manage that. I’ll just have to do it that way.
“I know I won’t make the jump. I’m going to jump to the roof and climb down.” I’m surprised at how steady my voice sounds. Last night I was staring at my glofish and now I’m jumping buildings. It all feels so surreal.
We go in the same order, Chance, and then Aaron. Aaron almost doesn’t make it and I hold my breath as Chance grabs his shirt and yanks him forward. Ethan takes a deep breath and sprints. I hold mine until he lands and rolls into the hole. No one is on the roof to catch me or help me this time.
I walk back further than the previous times, to get a better start. For a second I close my eyes and breathe in and out. It can’t be worse than the first jump. I sprint and launch myself off the roof. My heart beats the seconds until I slam down on the other rooftop, hard and shoulder first. I did it, how doesn’t matter right now. It just matters that I did it. Heat rushes through my body, setting every nerve alive. I’ve done it on my own.
I move to the edge of the roof and look down. It’s really high and my sight warps. For a moment it feels as if the building is swaying and it makes my insides feel like jello.
“Jasper, lower yourself.” Chance calls me back to my present predicament.
The distance to the hole is too far for me to just hang myself down and swing into it.
“Jai,” he says in a much softer tone. I see Chance hanging out of the hole, like he did when he was hanging from the ladder, only holding on by his right arm. What does one have to do to become so courageous and so strong? “Just lower yourself. Trust me. I will catch you.”
No one has ever asked me to trust them before. I can’t see his eyes. My dad said you can see a person’s integrity in their eyes.
I roll onto my stomach and maneuver myself over inch by inch, until I’m hanging on by my elbows. My weight is pulling me down and the bones of my elbows dig into the concrete. My feet are desperately looking for a foothold, but the building doesn’t have any. It’s cold against the bare skin of my stomach as my shirt has inched up from sliding over the edge.
“Trust me and let go. I’ll catch you, Jai.” His voice is kind, really kind for the first time.
He helped me up a ladder. He pulled me up the first building. He won’t let me fall now, not after all that trouble. I want to see his eyes and know he means it. I glance up and see thousands of lights I didn’t notice before. How could I have not? They shimmer and wink at me. The moment is dreamlike. I’ve never seen something so beautiful and I let go.
The building scrapes against my hands, arms and stomach as I fall. An arm wraps around my hips, and I feel hot breath spread over my stomach. Then I’m yanked forward and my head slams hard into something. My visions blur and the lights in the sky disappear.
This time I don’t care about embarrassing myself. As Chance starts to lower me I throw my arms around his neck, hugging him. He is the first man I’m hugging. I’ll always remember this moment.
“Thank you. Thank you for catching me,” I whisper near tears and still breathless from the fear of falling to my death.
I should be straightening out my shirt and not clinging to him, but I can’t help myself. It must be from all the tension, or the last bit of sense I had was knocked out when I bumped my head. Yes, that must be it.
Chance’s hands brush over the exposed skin of my waist, to my back, and he holds me lightly. To my surprise he hugs me back.
“It’s nothing. We have to move,” he whispers.
His hands inch up and my heart starts to race as he takes hold of my shirt, and then he tugs it down,
straightening it out. I let go of him, looking at my feet so I won’t have to look at him. I feel embarrassed for hugging him. I’ve never done something like that before. It’s an indecent thing to do. It’s not the Virtuous way.
“I saw lights,” I blurt out, to cover my embarrassment.
“They’re called stars. You never saw them because of the dome. There’s a lot you’ll still learn on this side,” he says.
He walks away as if I didn’t just hug him. I hugged him and it means nothing to him! My cheeks flame up and I feel humiliation wash over me. Things like hugs and stars mean nothing to him.
“Stars.” I test the word on my tongue. It feels foreign but the name suits them. There are thousands of lights flickering out there and I never knew about them before tonight. What else don’t I know about? Stars, they are beautiful. There is something beautiful out here where everything is so hard. Will I make it long enough to find out what else has been kept from me, and to find Mom?
~*~
“Come on, let’s go.” Chance growls from a doorway. I can only see his shadow as he disappears down a dark flight of stairs. I can still feel the ghost of his breath on my stomach and pull at the hem of my shirt.
I end up between Aaron and Ethan as we take the stairs down. It’s dark and I can barely see my hand in front of me. I keep close to the wall, feeling each step jolt all the way to my teeth. I wish there were some light. I’m constantly conscious of not walking into Ethan, but then I don’t want to go too slow, scared Aaron will walk into me.
It doesn’t help, because when Ethan suddenly stops, I slam into his back. He takes hold of my arm and slides his hand down, feeling for my hand, pulling me closer. An awkward feeling spreads up my arm at his soft touch.
“We have to wait for Chance to come back,” he whispers. The fact that Ethan feels that he needs to whisper sends a chill down my spine. Aaron is close to my left, and I stand crammed between the two men who saved my life today.
“Thank you, guys.” I feel a need to show my appreciation in some way while we wait. “For doing what you did back there. You could have left me to be-” I let my sentence hang, unable to finish it.
Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy) Page 4
