~*~
I wake up alone. My own clothes are the first thing I see. The room is bright with all the light from the morning sun flowing in. I get dressed in the bathroom before I slip out of the room. I’m not sure what today will hold. I still don’t know who grabbed me last night. Will they be able to look at me today?
Raze is alone in the kitchen, dishing up.
“Where is Nate?”
“Crowsnest, until it’s time to make lunch. Good luck,” she gives me an encouraging smile and I’m not so sure why.
I take my plate and go sit by Skater. Chance comes in with Roland and Sam. He doesn’t look at me and it makes my heart thump heavy in my chest. I keep my head down and after breakfast I wash up. I try to sneak out of the commons, hopeful to get past Roland. But my hope is smashed to pieces.
“Jai.” Roland’s voice has a way of freezing me on the spot. My breakfast turns to rocks in my stomach, all weighing a ton. I turn to him and keep my eyes on the middle of the table. I don’t want to look at Sam. I’m scared of Roland and I’m not quite ready to look Chance in the eye after last night.
“Congratulations on being chosen by Chance.” My eyes snap up against my better judgment. All I see are the scratch marks on Roland’s arms. I can’t take my eyes away from his arms. He was the one that choked me.
I want to tell him how sick I think they are but I can’t because Roland’s word is law.
“Would you have had someone else choose you?” he asks when I don’t answer him.
I lift my eyes to his, and then I look at Sam, then finally Chance. Chance stares back at me, his face giving nothing away of what he’s thinking.
“I’m very honored Chance chose me.” I snap. I glare at Sam and walk towards the Drill Zone. If Roland choked me then it can only mean that Sam was the other person.
~*~
“What the hell was that?” Chance snaps at me when he walks into the dome.
“What?” I start jogging. “Should I be thankful that Roland choked me? I saw the scratch marks I left on his arms. Should I be thankful that he and Sam undressed me and tied me to the Crowsnest?” I run faster when Chance starts to jog next to me, my anger burning hot within me.
“That’s the way it is here, Jai!” His anger matches mine. “They will either break you or make you into the best.”
“Is that what you are? Did Roland make the best out of you?”
He veers off at the one entrance. I keep running. The dome fills with noise as everything falls into place. When I look to see what Chance is doing I stop running.
“Oh.” I clasp my hand over my mouth to keep any other words from coming out. Horrified, I watch as he reaches into the first bag of balls. He’s just like them. I was mistaken to think he was nice, that he could care. He tosses the first ball to his right hand and looks up at me.
“Don’t do that, Jai,” he whispers. His eyes look dark from where I stand. “Never make the mistake of comparing me to the others.” The ball looks as light as a feather as he holds it by his fingertips. “I told you to jump, and that I would catch you. I told you to trust me and you did.”
I remember the stars and his breath on my stomach. My cheeks grow hot. I don’t think that’s what he wants me to remember.
“You are going to jump those scaffoldings, then climb down the rope. I know you can jump them, Jai,” he says. “You’re going to trust me that I won’t hurt you.”
I start running around, through the entrance and as I run by him I excel. I sprint up the pathway and I don’t stop. I jump and land on the first one without any balls flying my way. The scaffolding swings forward and I get up. As it comes back I dart forward and jump.
The ball flies past my face, missing my head by mere inches. I land, crouching down, my heart racing up toward my throat. The scaffolding bangs into the first one and I get a glimpse of Chance. He starts in the direction of the entrance to my left. I run and jump, not taking into account that the scaffolding is swinging forward.
The next ball flies past my right shoulder. It smacks into the scaffolding. I land too close to the edge of the third and scramble back anxiously. I get up and a ball whooshes past my chin. The balls are flying awfully close to me. I miss the opportunity to jump and the scaffolding smacks hard into the fourth one. Vibrations shudder through my body, but I get up and launch myself forward. Another ball whizzes past my shoulder again, but I land in a perfect crouching position and smile. Chance is missing me on purpose. He’s standing at the entrance, the next ball ready.
“This should be interesting.” Roland is standing at the main entrance. Aaron and Jasper are behind him.
“Move it, Jai.” Chance sounds tense and I know this time he won’t miss.
I run and jump. As the scaffolding comes closer I pull my arms and legs into my chest, to make for a smaller target and I hit the scaffolding with my back. The ball hits the scaffolding and I slide. I keep sliding, the steel slippery under me. I try to dig my heels into it but I slip over and off. The rope is out of reach, but it’s okay, because the ball didn’t hit me.
I land feet first. Sharp pain shoots up my ankles and calves and I sink to the floor.
“Not bad,” says Roland. He turns and walks out.
I get up and shake my legs out, ridding them of the last pain.
“I’m sorry. The rope-” I start apologizing.
“You’ve gotten good at jumping the scaffoldings. Over to the grid.”
I beam at the complement, his, not Roland’s.
Chance pulls a rope closer to us. There are straps at the end of the rope and he holds it open for me.
“Step into the harness,” he says.
I take hold of his shoulder and step into the first loop, then the second. He hunches down and adjusts the straps around my thighs and then my waist. My stomach tenses and melts at the same time, as I stand like a pillar, while he moves around me. I hear three clicks and then watch as he walks over to the stand. I try taking a deeper breath to calm the fluttering inside of me.
“How is the rope going to help me not fall to the ground if I’m now standing on it with the rope attached to me?” I ask a little flustered.
He holds up one finger, saying nothing, then presses a button and my body lurches upwards. The rope starts to twirl and I take hold of it, as I hang a few feet from the ground. Chance comes back and within seconds he is up on the wall, without a rope. I watch him scale until he is eye level with me. He reaches out and grabs hold of the rope, pulling me in.
“It’s one thing to fall off the scaffoldings, they aren’t as high,” he says. “Grab onto me quickly.” I take hold of his shoulder. The fluttering returns in the region of my stomach when he drops his hand down to my waist. He continues, “Once you reach the top you’ll see how high it is.” His voice is soft.
His eyes hold mine, and I can’t help but remember the night before. I turn away - away from my thoughts and the way he makes my skin tingle. I pray he can’t read my mind and reach for the wall. His hand moves to my lower back, nudging me forward.
We climb in silence. Halfway to the top I dare a peek at him. He looks at home on the grid, unlike me. My fingers are red from clinging and pulling.
“Why go to war?” I hold my breath.
“Remember I mentioned that our fathers worked together?” he asks.
“Yes.” I climb further.
“They worked with genetically altered seeds and also cloning of animals. No one questioned any of it, it was food. Don’t get me wrong, without it there would be famine.” He takes a deep breath. “Then my father got it right to splice human DNA in a way that can alter the subject’s personality. He disappeared the same day. We believe he was killed as a warning to your father.”
My hands slip and I fall. The rope yanks at my waist and I bounce once. The momentum carries me and I twirl. I don’t stop it, I just hang there, stunned.
Chance jumps down when he reaches the last piece. I didn’t even notice him climbing down. His arm slips aro
und my hips and his breath is hot through my shirt. I hear the three clicks and I place my hands on his shoulders when the rope springs loose.
“I’m sorry you lost your dad so they could scare mine and … and,” I’m going to cry. “I’m sorry you lost Ethan because of me.”
He lowers me until my feet touch the floor. I can still feel the warm spot on my shirt. My stomach flutters as he takes my face in his hands. His face is so close to mine, his breath heats my skin.
“Listen carefully, Jai.” There’s an edge to his voice and it makes me want to lean closer into him. “They are dead because of the Emissaries. The Emissaries kill those who get in their way.”
“In the way of what?”
“The perfect human race, a Virtuous race they can control. They are slowly killing off the people and taking their DNA. Your father has to alter the DNA to make them emotionless – Insensates.” I’m glad I’m holding onto Chance, because my legs feel numb. His thumbs skim over my cheeks, wiping away the tears I didn’t notice were falling. “The Emissaries believe that emotions lead to the corruption of the soul. They call it a glitch in the human make up. We are going to war to stop them. We have to destroy the lab and whatever Insensates they have there already. We have to stop them before they stop us, before they destroy us.”
“We have to stop them,” I repeat his words, too stunned to form my own. My dad’s been building an army for the Emissaries all this time. All those late nights. “I am so stupid. I got so excited when our neighbor got one of those gendogs. Never did we think we’d see dogs again and in the meantime my dad is busy-”
I gasp when the full impact of the situation hits. “No.” It’s a moan, painful and deep. Chance hugs me to his chest and just holds me. “He won’t bring Ethan back. My dad can’t be that cruel.” I pull back needing to see Chance’s eyes. “That’s why the trackers hunt us? They deliver us to them. Seven every year. And this year twenty one! Why did they do that?”
“It’s to keep the population from noticing what’s happening right under their noses. As you can see we aren’t the Dissolute you’ve been taught about. But, the Virtuous fear us, and as long as they fear us, they are not looking at the Emissaries. They are not seeing what’s really going on. They will be replaced one by one until the Emissaries have their Ecocity of Insensates. They must be desperate and the jump in numbers has us worried too. That’s why we have to hit hard and soon.”
“And my dad is at the heart of it.” I feel sick.
“He had you to think of. Now you’re here and-” He leaves the sentence hanging.
“My dad told me to look for you,” I whisper, trying to process everything I’ve just heard.
Chance’s eyes scan over my face and then he steps back. I feel the instant loss of his body heat.
“And how’s that working for you?” he smiles.
“My dad was right.”
~*~
Chapter Ten
I can’t sleep tonight, not after last night. Ruth has been crying ever since we got into bed. I don’t know where she and Jasper have been the whole day. I skipped my visit to the animals again, and I can’t stop thinking about what Chance told me. At least I got some answers today.
I lay awake until Ruth’s sobs even out into steady breathing. Everything is quiet. My whole body jerks when I hear footsteps come into the sleeping quarters. They move quickly. My heart is beating heavy and slows in my ears as I watch them pass by my bed, going towards Ruth’s.
I close my eyes and lie as still as possible. I breathe out slowly when I hear her shriek. I breathe in even slower when she gives a muffled cry. I hear them move, closer to me and then as they pass by my bed. I’m gripping my blanket so tightly my fingertips hurt.
When their footsteps die away I still don’t move. I know what’s going to happen to Ruth. Chance can take her down once he knows she’s up there. I can help Ruth that way!
I slip out of bed and leave my shoes. I can’t risk being heard.
“Don’t, Jai. Never interfere.” Vine sits up in her bed.
“I can’t leave her.”
“It’s your skin.” She lies back down.
I tiptoe down the tunnel, keeping to the wall. As I get close to the door, I hear Ruth’s shrieks. The door clicks and everything is quiet. I move forward and punch in Roland’s name. The door clicks open and I push slowly, scared it will make a noise.
“Dammit, why do they always scratch? From now on we should get them to cut their nails.” Roland sounds amused.
I peek through the gap. Ruth is unconscious. My hand hovers over my mouth as my heart plunges. Sam’s busy tugging her pants off. Chance’s door opens and I almost dart forward. The slight movement I make catches his eye. He walks toward me and right before he closes the door he shakes his head, his eyes cold.
I grab at my stomach and fold over, gasping. He’s a part of it. I don’t think and just act. I run toward the other door and punch in the letters. The door clicks and I open it slightly, just enough to fit through.
“…break. This one won’t make it.” It’s Sam. “At least the other two have some will to live. This one needs to be dragged through life. I’m not taking her down.” I hear them moving away from me, toward the Crowsnest.
I move into the shadows and keep to them as I try to get closer. I’ll take her down if I have to.
“Chance, pass me the rope.” Sam says and he grunts. “She’s heavier than Jai.”
I clutch at my stomach. He touched me. Sam touched me while I was dressed only in my underwear.
“I really don’t have time for a sniveling child. I’m going to bed. She can sleep here,” Roland says.
Their footsteps come back my way and I inch more into the shadows, crouching. I’ll wait them out. The Crowsnest shudders and I know Ruth is going to wake up soon, all alone and scared at the top.
It’s quiet. It’s not windy like when I was up there. I glance up and see the stars. I wonder what Ruth and Jasper thought of the stars and if they even know their name.
Her first stifled cry sends shivers over my body. I run towards the Crowsnest, keeping to the dark areas. My heart beats heavier with each cry Ruth gives and then my own is smothered by a hand clasping tightly over my mouth. An arm slams over my chest like a steel band and pulls me back, further into the dark night.
~*~
Panic makes my jaw ache and insides twist. The smell of crushed leaves, of earth, wafts up my nose. Anger floods my body and I yank back.
“Stop it! If they catch you there I can’t protect you,” Chance snaps.
He drags me into the cornfields, a good distance away. I can’t hear Ruth anymore. When he lets me go, I stumble forward. The ground is cold and rough beneath my feet.
“I trusted you,” I spit the words out.
“You are starting to make a habit of misjudging me and I’m growing tired of it,” he snaps back at me.
It’s dark between the cornstalks and the ground is uneven. I take a deep breath, trying to find some manner of calmness in me.
“Are you going to tell me you weren’t there when Sam undressed me? You weren’t there when he tied me down?” I throw my hands in the air. “Not that it really matters. You knew they were going to do that and you did nothing. Ruth is up there and I need to help her. Decent people don’t do such…” I can’t say the word.
“Barbaric things.” He completes my sentence. He shakes his head at me. “Oh Jai, you are playing a dangerous game.” His eyes glint in the dark.
“I’m not playing any games!” I shriek. “Why? Why do you do that to people?”
“It’s their way. I didn’t make the rules. I follow them. I also woke up on the Crowsnest. I laid there for two nights, Jai.” He steps up to me. His face is stone hard, like when we met the first time. There’s no sign of any kindness. “Three days I stayed up there. No one told me the sun wouldn’t burn the skin from my bones. No one told me the rain doesn’t freeze. I spent a whole night and day in the rain. I was taken down by
Roland and straight to the Drill Zone. I had to jump those scaffoldings wet. Do you know how hard those balls are when you’re wet?”
He takes a breath and reaches for me, his fingers slide in behind my neck and he pulls me a little closer. Inches disappear between us and I take a shaky breath.
“It’s their way. It makes you strong.”
I take a step forward, making the last of the inches disappear. Our clothes almost touch now. I swallow hard and lift my hands to his chest. I want to wipe his memories clean, but then I know it will be a different Chance standing in front of me.
“Please, go take her down,” I whisper up at him.
He looks away, over my head. “I can’t.” I close my eyes and drop my head to his chest. “Jai, look at me.” My eyes burn with tears for Ruth as I look up into his eyes. “I can only carry you. I can only catch you. I can’t go fight a war and have her on my team, and have her take a second of my attention away from you or Skater. It can only be the three of us. I know our team can work.” He presses against my hands as he moves and our bodies touch. It brings every one of my nerves to life. “You fit with me.”
I tell myself to breathe slower, in and out.
“Is the war worth it, all of this?”
“It’s worth this…” His fingers tighten around the back of my neck and he lowers his head. His lips press firmly to mine. I grab tighter at his shirt and my stomach twirls and spins. He lifts his head, I can feel his breath move on my lips when he says, “It’s worth the freedom to care, to feel, Jai.” He moves his other hand up my back and presses his lips harder against mine.
They move once, a slight nip against mine and I feel it all the way to my abdomen. Then he pulls away and breathes out over my cheek. It reminds me to breath. He doesn’t kiss me again. I wish he would, I really like kissing. He takes my hand and we walk deeper into cornfields until we reach the clearing of solar panels.
“Look there.” I follow his hand into the sky.
Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy) Page 12
