And his life.
Chapter Seventeen
~Matt~
I frown as I begin to surface from sleep and realize that Nic isn’t pressed up against me like she usually is in the morning. I open my eyes and glance around, but she’s not in the bed. The sheets are cool where she should be.
I lie and listen for a moment, hoping to hear movement in the kitchen. Maybe she decided to get up and make breakfast?
But there is no sound anywhere. Not in the kitchen. Not in the bathroom.
The apartment is still.
Where the fuck is she?
I push out of bed and walk through the apartment, just to be sure she isn’t curled up somewhere quietly reading, and when my suspicions are confirmed that she’s gone, I’m stumped.
What the fuck?
I pull my phone out of my jeans that were laying on the floor by the bed and call her, but she doesn’t answer, so I tap out a quick text.
Hey, baby. Where did you go? Please tell me you’re out getting breakfast.
I use the bathroom, splash water on my face and pull on some clothes. When she doesn’t respond to my text, I call her again, only to be sent to voice mail.
Did something happen to her? Did she get a call about her family, or the bakery?
Maybe she left a note?
I search the apartment again but come up empty. No note. No message.
She’s just gone.
Cold, hard fear grips my gut as I grab my keys and slam out of my apartment to go search for her. Anything could have happened to her. What if she’d gone out to get coffee and was mugged? Raped?
Jesus, should I call the hospitals?
I find parking in front of the bakery and knock on the front door, praying she’s here. She isn’t open yet.
Tess answers with a confused frown. “Hi, Matt.”
“Is Nic here?”
“No, this is her Sunday off. I haven’t heard from her.”
I nod and back away from the door. “Thanks.”
I jog upstairs to her apartment and bang on her door, but there’s no answer, and no movement inside.
Just as panic is about to set in and I reach for my phone to call Asher and Caleb for help in finding her, I hear footsteps on the steps behind me. I whip around to see Nic, sweaty in her workout clothes, loud music plugged in her ears. She’s watching her feet and hasn’t seen me yet.
My breath leaves me in a loud sigh. Thank God she’s okay.
She raises her eyes and startles when she sees me at the top of the stairs. Her eyes are read and puffy from crying.
“God, baby, what’s wrong?” I ask as she pulls the earbuds out of her ears. “What’s going on?”
She shakes her head and finishes climbing the stairs, unlocks her door, and leads me inside.
“What is going on, little one?” I soften my voice as I walk into her apartment and shut the door behind me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
“Because you would have tried to make me stay,” she replies and marches into her bedroom.
I follow closely behind and watch from the doorway as she tosses her phone and earbuds on the bed and toes off her shoes.
“Of course I would have tried to make you stay. I love being with you.”
“I couldn’t stay.” She shakes her head and paces out into the living room, where I again follow her.
She’s not making any damn sense.
“Nic. Stop.”
She stops cold and looks at me with those wide green eyes, and my skin prickles the way it does when a case is about to go very bad.
I don’t want to hear what she’s about to say.
“We’re not going to work out, Matt.” She swallows and takes a deep breath.
“Why?” I fold my arms over my chest and lean against the wall, watching her. If she’s going to dump me, I’m not going to make it easy for her.
“You should have kids.”
I blink at her, sure I’ve misheard her. “Okay.”
“You have a big beautiful family, and you should have kids, too. Healthy kids. Lots of them.”
“Why do I feel like I’ve come in on the middle of a conversation?” I ask in frustration. “You’re not making any sense.”
“Do you want kids?” she asks desperately.
“Sure. Eventually.”
“See?” She throws her arms in a wide circle and begins to pace around the room again. “I mean, I know that talking about kids now would have most men already through the door and running down the block, but you see what I mean.”
“No, honestly, I don’t see anything at all. I have no idea what in the bloody fuck you’re talking about.”
She sighs and scrubs her hands over her face then looks me in the eye just as a tear slips down her cheek, almost sending me to my knees.
“Baby…” I begin, but she quickly backs away with her hands up in front of her.
“Don’t.”
“You have got to talk to me, Nicole.”
“I know I just…” She combs her fingers through her sweat-dampened hair and paces around her living room, then stops and props her hands on her hips. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t.”
“You can do better,” I growl and narrow my eyes.
“I am not what you need or want.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise and then let out a laugh. “Have you been hanging out with me lately, Nic? ’Cause I beg to differ.”
“I need to be in control. I don’t have a rich family to fall back on if this bakery doesn’t work out. I don’t have people around me to pick up the pieces if my health fails.”
“You could.”
She stops cold and stares at me, her mouth opening and closing, and then she just gets even angrier. “Oh, so now you’re proposing? What the fuck?”
“Nic, I need you to be very specific here. Are you saying you don’t feel anything for me?” Because if she is, she’s a motherfucking liar.
“I feel too fucking much!” she explodes. “I feel everything! And I’m not talking about the palm of your hand on my ass!”
“So you don’t want a kinky relationship? Is that what has you running? I felt your hesitation when I tied your hands last night.”
“No!” She drops down into her chair and hangs her head in her hands in defeat. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I’m so lost, I don’t know what the fuck is happening, Nic. Work with me here.”
“I can’t give you a family, Matt. Ever.”
I frown and watch her as she raises her defeated eyes to mine. “I don’t understand.”
“I told you about my health issues.”
I nod, still trying to connect the dots.
“I can’t have babies.”
“Diabetics have healthy babies every day, Nicole.”
She shakes her head and laughs humorlessly. “I also have the PCOS.”
“The reason you’re on the pill.” I nod, remembering.
“I don’t need the pill for birth control, Matt. The PCOS is my birth control. With that combined with the diabetes, a pregnancy is not a good idea for me. If I happened to get pregnant by some miracle, the pregnancy would be high-risk and difficult.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “What does this have to do with us?”
“Have you not been listening?” She looks at me like I’m an idiot, and I scowl back at her.
“You can’t have children. Although, I think there might be ways around that, with as far as medical science has come, but even if that’s true, why can’t we be together?”
“Because I can’t give you what you deserve!”
“What I deserve?” My blood is heating now. “What, exactly, do you think I deserve, Nicole?”
“A nice, submissive woman who can give you lots of babies and live happily ever after,” she whispers, not meeting my gaze.
I sit in the chair opposite her and stare at her for a long minute.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No.” She shakes her head and clasps her hands together. “I love you enough to let you go and to find that person who can give you those things.”
“You know what, Nic? No one likes a fucking martyr.”
Her gaze whips up in shock. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Who the fuck are you to decide what I need and want?”
She stands to get in my face. “Well, isn’t that just fucking hypocritical?”
I stand and clench my fists at my sides, glaring at her, trying to ignore the gaping hole in my chest where my heart once was.
“I’ve always been one thousand percent honest with you, Nic. While you’ve only shared what was convenient or I ripped out of you. I told you from the beginning, trust is imperative in this relationship.”
I advance on her, not touching her, and push my face within inches of hers. “It’s my fucking job to keep you safe, and knowing what you need and want is a part of that. I’m in love with you. You need time to get your head on straight? Fine. I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m telling you right now, you are mine. Nothing will ever change that.”
“I’m saying red,” she whispers.
I stare at her in shock for several seconds without blinking.
“You said at the club that all I have to say is ‘red,’ and it all stops.”
She’s using a fucking safe word?
I pull her against me and kiss the breath out of her, putting all the anger and frustration I’m feeling into this kiss, then I pull away and brush my thumbs down her cheeks, wiping her tears away.
“I don’t know how you got it in your head that you can’t give me what I deserve when I’m looking at everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. You are what I need and deserve, Nicole. When you figure out that your medical issues are a fucking excuse to push me away, you come find me. In the meantime, you’re right. ‘Red’ is a term I understand perfectly.”
With that I turn away and walk out of her apartment without looking back.
***
I drive straight to the hospital. I need to see Natalie, and not worry about my own issues for a while.
Everything that Nic said in her apartment is rolling around in my head in a big, fucked-up, jumbled mess.
Jesus, how did we get here?
I walk into Natalie’s room with a bouquet of flowers that I spent way too much money on in the gift shop.
“Hey.” She grins and holds her arms open for a hug, which I happily oblige.
“Hey, sweet girl. How are you feeling?”
“Better today,” she replies.
“She passed the stone during the night,” Luke says as he shakes my hand. “We’ll be heading home tomorrow.”
“Thank goodness.” Nat sighs. “I miss my baby girl.”
“Don’t worry about Liv, just worry about you,” Luke instructs her and then laughs when Nat sticks her tongue out at him.
“She always was a handful,” I remark with a smirk. “I’m happy to see things haven’t changed.”
“Why did you come here? Just to be mean to me?” she asks and narrows her eyes on me.
“I came to check on you.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“You look pouty.” She smirks.
“I do not.” I scowl and reach out to pull on a strand of her long dark hair. “I don’t pout.”
“You totally pout. Did Nic smack you around this morning?”
You have no idea.
“I’m not pouting.”
“Okay.” She grins. “I’ll call Jules, and she and I will just gang up on you.”
“I will tell the doctor to keep you here another day.”
“You’re mean!” she exclaims.
I laugh and lean in to kiss her cheek. “Don’t forget it.”
She cups my face in her hand and says quietly, “I love you, and I’m a good listener if you need one.”
I smile gently and kiss her cheek one more time before pulling away. “I love you, too. Thank you. You just work on feeling well and cooking that boy in there, and I’ll be happy.”
“He’s cooking,” she replies and rubs her hands over her belly.
“How are you, man?” I ask Luke. He looks tired, sitting with his laptop on his lap, keeping an eye on his wife.
“Better now that she’s on the mend and the baby is safe,” he replies. “I think we’re both looking forward to going home.”
“He’s going to make me rest.” Nat pouts. “And no more photography until after the baby’s born.”
“You Nazi,” I exclaim in outrage, making Natalie laugh. “How dare you take proper care of your wife?”
“I know, I’m evil.”
I laugh as I back toward the door. “I love you. Rest.” I give her the stink eye. “I’ll look in on you in a couple days.”
“Yes, detective.” She waves and giggles as I leave and almost bump right into my mother.
“Hi, Mom.” I give her a big hug.
“Hi, darling.” She pulls back and smiles up at me and then sobers. “Oh, we need to talk.” She turns and walks with me down the hallway to the waiting room.
“I thought you were here to see Nat.”
“I’ll see her after you and I talk.”
“What are we talking about?”
“Don’t be a shit,” she scolds me and sits in one of the plastic chairs, motioning for me to sit opposite her. “Now, tell me what happened.”
I frown at her and then laugh, looking up at the ceiling. “Am I seriously having this conversation with my mom?”
“You are,” she confirms. “Come on, I know something is up. Of all of my children, you’ve always been the hardest to read.” She rests her chin on her hand and watches me for a moment. “So sober. So serious. But it’s when your eyes look sad that give you away. You had that look when Asher’s wife died. When Brynna and the girls were hurt. Let me help.”
I clear my throat and am shocked when the whole story begins to flow, minus the Shibari, of course.
“So, she’s decided that because she can’t have kids, and she thinks that I deserve to have kids, that she’s not the right person for me.”
“Did you point out to her that there are several different ways to add children to your family?” Mom asks, tapping her chin with her finger, deep in thought.
“No, I was too surprised, and admittedly pissed, to bring that up.”
Mom nods and sits back in her seat with a sigh. “I’m sorry about her health concerns.”
“She manages them well.” I shrug. “She’s not on medication, and she takes good care of herself. She’s actually quite healthy.”
“Good.” Mom grins, her eyes shining. “And you love her.”
“Against my better judgment today, yes.” I laugh again and rub my hands together. “She challenges me. She’s funny and smart, and it’s easy to be with her. She knows things about me that no one else in the world knows and…”
“And she loves you anyway,” Mom finishes softly.
“Yeah.”
“It sounds to me like she’s a bit scared, son. It sounds like this relationship is still young, and happened quickly. Falling hard and fast is exhilarating and scary all at the same time.”
I nod again, and then she hits me with, “Do you think Nicole wants children?”
I think back to how great she was with Casey, with Maddie and Josie, and how naturally she snuggled Olivia in her arms and rocked her back and forth.
“She’d be an awesome mom,” I respond softly.
“You know, it can’t be easy for a woman who believes she’s infertile to spend a lot of time around pregnant women and couples with children. I’m not saying she doesn’t enjoy being around the whole gang, but it might have played with her emotions a bit, too. Each time she sees Nat, Jules and Brynna and their men hovering over them, it’s a reminder that she might never have that.” She leans in closer and take
s my hand. “And it’s a reminder that she might not be able to give that to you.”
“Shit,” I whisper.
“Indeed.” Mom kisses my cheek and stands. “She’ll come around.”
“I hope you’re right, because the thought of being without her leaves me hollow.”
“Oh, darling, that’s wonderful.” She laughs when I frown at her in frustration. “It means it’s real.”
“Oh, it’s real all right.”
“Give her a little time to talk to her friends and miss you a bit.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“That’s what I’m here for, dear.” She winks and leaves me to go check in on Natalie, the daughter who didn’t come from her body but couldn’t be more hers if they shared the same bloodline.
Chapter Eighteen
Two weeks later
~Nic~
“Thanks for your help today, Tess.” I grin at the young woman as she gathers her purse to leave for the day.
“My pleasure, as always, boss,” she replies with a happy smile. “No wine with Bailey today?”
I shrug and shake my head as though it’s no big deal. I just can’t face her, or anyone really, right now.
“All you’ve done for the past two weeks is hole up in this shop and then sit at home,” Tess points out with a frown. “You’re starting to wig me out.”
“I’m fine,” I reply, irritated. “Have a good evening.”
“You, too.” She sighs dejectedly.
I follow her to the front door to lock it behind her, but just as Tess leaves, Gail Montgomery approaches, smiling warmly, dressed in casual denim capris and an orange T-shirt.
“Hi, Mrs. Montgomery.” Good God, what is she doing here?
“Hello, dear. I know you’re about to close. I was hoping for a moment of your time. Privately.”
“Of course.” I raise a brow and motion for her to come inside and lock the door behind her. “Have a seat.”
“Thank you.” She sits at one of my small round pub tables and smiles as I sit opposite her. “How are you, Nic?”
“I’m fine.”
Her eyes narrow as she watches me, an expression I’m all too familiar with on her son. “That’s good.”
With Me in Seattle Bundle Two Page 44
