by Rick R. Reed
Sam smiled. “Ti adoro,” he said, so soft Thad barely heard him.
Thad turned and hurried off into the rain.
“IT’S BEEN long enough.”
Thad sat in his studio, in front of the TV. Project Runway was playing without sound. Thad had muted the TV when the phone rang. Pizza boxes littered the coffee table, along with several empty beer bottles. Clothes made unsightly lumps upon the crumb-infested carpet. Dishes piled high in the sink. Thad listened to Jared breathing through the receiver, waiting. “Long enough for what?”
“Long enough for your period of mourning, for your retreat from society, for you holing up to lick your wounds. Your best friend says it’s time for someone else to lick you, or you them. It will do wonders for your state of mind and your spirit. Listen to Mama. She knows.”
Thad allowed himself a polite laugh. “What did you have in mind?” Jared had called almost every day or night, sometimes both, for the past two weeks, exhorting Thad to come out with him. He already knew what Jared had in mind. And Thad knew in his heart his best friend was right. It was just easier to put off until another day getting out among people again. It was the same way he procrastinated about searching for a job, cooking something nutritious to eat… showering.
“You know what I have in mind—an evening of revelry. A night of oblivion. Cocktails and cock. Put your troubles behind you. Put a hot man behind you. I know it sounds like it’s impossible to do, but once you’re out there with me, who will ensure that you are having the time of your life, you’ll forget about your troubles… at least for one night. And the next night you try will get easier. I promise.”
Thad sighed.
“Honey, I care about you. You want me to come over there and help you get ready?”
Thad looked around the mess of his apartment—the filth and the chaos—and knew he’d be ashamed for anyone else to see it. “No.”
“You’ll come out tonight? We’ll meet at ten at the Barça Lounge, okay? I’m buying the first round. And I will defer to you any man in the bar who catches your eye.”
“I don’t know.” Thad took a nibble on a piece of ice-cold, crusty pizza and then a sip of flat, tepid beer. Why was he punishing himself this way?
“Come on…,” Jared urged. “Listen, if you get out and find it isn’t working, you can go home. It’s that simple. I’ll even pay for the cab. What have you got to lose?”
Thad looked once more around his sad apartment, currently a shrine to despair and depression, and said, “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“See you at ten?”
“At ten.” Thad hung up.
Thad looked at the clock. He had about three and a half hours. If he was going to clean up, he thought it might be easier to begin with his home. He went into the kitchen area, pulled a Hefty trash bag from under the sink, and began loading it up with pizza boxes, beer bottles, and even a few pans that looked beyond scrubbing. He wiped off all the surfaces with either Pledge or Windex and then stuffed a mountain of soiled paper towels into the trash bag. He vacuumed. Started the dishwasher. He shut the TV off and replaced it with the new Adam Lambert CD. He took Edith out for a brisk walk around the block.
Finally he turned to himself. His cleaner surroundings actually did lighten his spirits a bit, making him feel less encumbered by the weight of Sam and the loss of what he had once believed so promising.
He went into the bathroom and laid out one of his only remaining clean towels. He turned the water to hot and adjusted the pressure to jackhammer. He had two weeks of crud to clean off himself. Underneath the shower he began to feel something. And no, not that something, but a lifting of his mood, as though simply taking out the trash and ridding himself of the physical evidence of his two black weeks of melancholy had actually removed a physical weight from his shoulders. He turned under the hot spray of water, feeling the stink and grime of his lazy fourteen days wash down the drain. He wiped at the mirror, lathered his face up with Edge, and scraped away the accumulated red stubble there that had almost become a beard. It was good to see his own wholesome face again. He smiled.
While he had the razor in his hand, he went ahead and shaved the pubes away from his balls and then above his dick, which always made it look bigger. Who knew? Maybe he would feel inspired tonight to actually do something about the state of his celibacy. It might be nice to connect with another human being, as opposed to beating off into an athletic sock as he gazed at the fine entertainment offerings from Treasure Island Media.
He stepped from the shower, rubbed himself dry, and found he was actually looking forward to the evening.
“THAT ONE over there has his eye on you.” Jared nodded toward a man leaning on the wall across from them.
They had ventured into several bars tonight and this one, the Eagle, Thad had never been to before. He had always been afraid it would be too rough trade for him, that he’d be laughed out of the bar for his lack of chaps and harness. But once Jared had convinced him to go, he realized the Eagle was not all that different from the other bars they had been to, and maybe, in fact, was a little better. It was certainly more low-key and less pretentious, with a handful of patrons who were older than at most of the other bars he was used to frequenting. And other than the biker jackets and combat boots here and there, the attire wasn’t all that much different either. Add to that the refreshing lack of cologne, and Thad thought he might have just found a place worth returning to.
Thad followed Jared’s nod and looked at the man across the bar. The man lifted his beer bottle toward him and gave a smile that was tentative, a little bit shy, and altogether charming. Like Thad, he had red hair. But his was cropped into a buzz, and he also had a full beard. He wore a simple Old Navy thermal tee that didn’t hide the fact he had a bit of potbelly. Leather jacket—bomber style, not biker—and Levi’s completed his ensemble. He had the audacity to be wearing sneakers. Thad thought he looked kind of cuddly and, when he probed his own intellect a bit deeper, nonthreatening.
He returned the beer bottle salute and the smile. In no time Big Red was making his way across the bar toward him.
“Uh-oh, bear headed your way. Brace yourself,” Jared whispered in his ear, then moved away to talk to another guy a few stools down.
God, I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Thad tried to look casual, but he felt himself stiffening up inside, and not in a good way.
“Hi, I’m Kevin.” The man stood before him, hand extended. Thad took it and was pleased with the firm confidence of the man’s grasp.
“Thad.”
“So what brings you out tonight?”
“My friend, actually.” Thad thought for a minute, and then it all poured out. “He thought I needed a little night life. I’ve been moping around for the past couple of weeks.”
Kevin took a swig of his beer and cocked his head. “Boyfriend troubles?”
“How did you know?”
“It’s not hard. That’s what friends do. And you have this kind of scared, sad vibe going on.”
Thad wondered about that, cursing himself for having the kind of face that was read so easily. “Well, it’s actually ex-boyfriend.”
“That’s good to hear.” Kevin stepped a bit closer. He clinked his beer bottle against Thad’s. “To getting back in circulation.”
Is that what he was doing? From even these few minutes, he could tell Kevin was a nice guy and he was interested. He could imagine taking him home or going back to his place, even though such imaginings were way too fast. And with that imagining, Thad felt a twinge of panic. He didn’t know if he was prepared for this, if he was truly over Sam. Would he close his eyes when kissing Kevin and feel Sam’s beard against his chin? Would he call out Sam’s name in the heat of passion? Did he really want to wake up in the morning with a stranger snoring beside him? Would that really help erase the sadness and loss?
He allowed himself to talk to Kevin for the next half hour. Found out he worked for Microsoft and still had a job—a good
one, actually, as a technical writer—had moved to Seattle five years ago from Minneapolis, and liked mountain hiking when the weather permitted. Under other circumstances this was someone with whom Thad thought there might be a connection, at least a date or two. But tonight he couldn’t permit himself to respond when Kevin’s thigh nudged his own or to return any of the meaningful stares poor Kevin attempted to level his way.
In the end he decided that to continue talking to Kevin would just be leading him on. As much as he thought a one-night stand might do him some good, his heart told him the time was not right. And maybe it would never be. Perhaps his connection with Sam had changed him, and now maybe hooking up was a thing of the past. Thad might have become, without even knowing it, a hopeless romantic who needed both a physical and emotional connection for intimacy to occur.
Or maybe he was just vulnerable.
So he hedged his bets a bit and had Kevin enter his phone number into his iPhone, pleading the “I gotta get up early” defense, and left him to find Jared.
Jared stood next to a short, muscular Asian man whose hair was a mass of stiff black bristles that stood straight up. He had thrown his head back in laughter, and the guy had already slid his arm around Jared’s waist. Thad tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. Jared turned to look at him and must have seen, from just the look on his face, that for Thad the evening was over.
“You ready to go?” Jared smiled, and Thad fully expected him to offer to pay for his cab—an offer he would decline; he was not that helpless. After all, it looked like he was in the midst of reeling in yet another hot prospect for the night. Jared was Jared… and Thad knew that going out with him often meant coming home without him.
But Jared surprised him. He turned to his new friend, and they did the same little exchange of cell phone numbers Thad had just done with Kevin. Then he grabbed Thad’s arm and started to lead him to the door.
“Wait a minute! You’re passing up that?”
“I need to see my best friend home safely. My Vespa is just up the road on Minor.”
“You. Leaving a hot man behind. Wow, you could knock me over with a feather right now.”
“I’d rather use a brick.” Jared laughed. “Come on. It’s gonna be a chilly ride home.”
Once they pulled up in front of his place in Green Lake, Thad felt as if his face had frozen into position. Note to self: never ride on the back of a Vespa in winter. It’s too fuckin’ cold.
Thad slid off the seat and stomped his feet to get the blood flowing again. He wondered if the way he had clung to Jared during the ride home had been misinterpreted. Jared looked over his shoulder at Thad, seemingly unfazed by the chill. He was smiling.
“You gonna ask me in for a nightcap?”
Thad grinned back. His place was clean, fresh sheets on the bed. But was the question a loaded one? He knew, just from a few minutes alone with a new guy, that for him to have any kind of intimate involvement with someone again, he required a connection on a deeper level than just physical.
He had that with Jared.
There were all sorts of good reasons to invite Jared inside. He was hot. He was caring. He clearly held strong feelings for Thad, feelings that had only deepened over their shared recent traumas.
There were also all sorts of bad reasons too. For one thing, nothing ruined a really good friendship faster than sex. Thad had learned that lesson the hard way on more than one occasion. You might say Oh, it’ll just be a casual thing, two friends having fun, but it never was. It always seemed, at least for Thad, to end in awkwardness and a weakening of the friendship bond that was often stronger than what any so-called relationship could offer. He wasn’t sure he wanted to jeopardize that.
When would he learn the secret of combining friendship and great love?
So he simply leaned forward and gave Jared a warm, lingering kiss on the mouth, minus any tongue, to ensure his intentions were clear. “You know what? I’m not over him yet.”
Jared nodded and rolled his eyes, the disappointment plain on his face. Thad understood all at once that this evening out and this ride home was about a lot more than just cheering Thad up. It was about designs and dreams Jared had as well. “And if you wanna come in for a nightcap, I have some Mount Rainier in cans, but that’s about it. And that is about it, if you know what I mean.”
Jared shrugged. “Well, if you change your mind and want me to come back, you have my number.”
“Not going off to the baths?”
“Nah.” Jared gave a cockeyed grin. “What I want isn’t there.”
Thad hugged him. “You’re a good friend.”
“Too good.”
And with that Jared started up his bike and rode off into the night, leaving Thad to watch as he grew smaller and smaller until he finally disappeared.
Chapter 20
December
SHE CIRCLES around in front of the squat apartment building, sniffing the air and pawing impatiently. For her, this is not about feeding a need, satisfying a hunger.
It is about revenge.
She paws at the ground, whines, and at last raises her head to howl at the full moon above her, a glowing pewter orb laid out on a blanket of black velvet. She doesn’t care who hears her, doesn’t care if she is discovered. If she has to die for vengeance, then so be it.
From between a couple of parked cars, she watches the window that’s her target, anticipating the moment the light inside will be extinguished. In the dark room, her prey waits. If it weren’t for him, perhaps her life would be different now. Perhaps all the tragedy wouldn’t have occurred. The kill will be easier in the darkness, quicker, surer. Her superior night vision will give her an advantage. There will be no struggling, no messiness.
She so hates a mess.
And the taste of his blood will be sweet.
She returns her gaze to the warm rectangle of light. Twin tusks of steam rise from her snout.
She waits.
THAD WISHED he were tired. No, he wished he were sleepy. He was bone tired but knew sleep was an elusive thing, always hiding around this or that corner, depriving him and making him look older.
He had watched a DVD—Humpday, which was boring and never really delivered on its promise, several episodes of Fringe he had recorded—and which seemed no stranger than his own life, and had even drunk three—no, make that four—beers. Yet he still felt alert, awake, alive—all things he didn’t want to feel.
He longed for the oblivion of sleep. But that particular human satisfaction had kept its charms to itself since the night Jared had dropped him off two weeks ago in front of his apartment. A sense of unfinished business—between him and Sam, between him and Jared—lay at his feet. Even when he did manage to fall into a somewhat restless slumber, he would awaken in the middle of the night, thinking about one man or the other. And each night it seemed harder and harder to drift off into that oblivious state known as slumber.
So here he sat, waiting, knowing the worst thing he could do to fall asleep was to wait, to be on guard for it. Reluctantly he switched off the TV and stripped down to his boxers and a T-shirt. He slid into bed beside Edith, who snored contentedly atop a regular pillow and throw pillow she had arranged into a bed for herself, next to where Thad’s head would eventually rest.
Just as he lay down, he realized he had forgotten to turn off the torchiere lamp next to the front door. He got up, switched it off, and stumbled back to bed, trying to revel in the comfort of flannel sheets and a goose-down comforter but only able to stare at the ceiling.
Which one should I think of first? Sam? Or Jared?
Oh, it doesn’t matter. Both will keep me up until the light in the room turns gray, until my furniture begins to take on form and definition.
Thad turned onto one side, burrowing down beneath the flannel sheets, yanking the comforter up to his ears, in a position that would have—at one time—effortlessly sent him off to dreamland.
Now it felt as though his eyes were glu
ed open.
On the one hand, Jared has always been there for me. And therein lies the problem. He’s such a good friend, he’s become almost like a brother. And incest scenes do not titillate me.
Thad flipped over onto his back, where he traced a hairline crack in the ceiling.
And then there is Sam. My beautiful, hotter-than-hell man. He is like a Colt fantasy come to life. He satisfies me in bed and out. He nourishes me. Again, in bed and out. He makes me laugh. He charms me with his baritone and his accent every time he opens his mouth. And when he opens his mouth to kiss me, it’s like his full lips and tongue are hot-wired to my groin. And let’s not even go lower… to those hard pecs, dusted with coarse black hair, the flat belly, the treasure trail leading down to his fat, thick….
Thad rolled over onto his stomach, thrusting helplessly against his sheets. He was just about to come when he heard the noise. He rolled back over and eased up on his elbows, listening. It sounded like something was clawing at his door. Edith reared up, jumped from the bed, and let loose with a hysterical chorus of yaps, running toward the door and jumping up and down in front of it as though her feet were on springs.
Thad sat up.
What was out there?
GETTING INSIDE the lair of her prey does present its problems. She whines, clawing at the door, and can hear she’s roused the little rat living inside. She paws at the door again, her long black claws making a very satisfying screech in the cold night. The little dog inside is going crazy. She can only hope her prey is stupid enough to open the door. A tiny crack is all it would take….
And then she will be upon him, like flame upon paper. She will go first for the throat, stunning and silencing him, tasting the sharp, metallic fountain of blood that will jet forth, the sweet, savory meat of the young.
And the satisfying sensation she can only think of as justice.
