The Heroin Diaries

by Nikki Sixx

  FEBRUARY 20TH, 1987

  Van Nuys, 4 a.m.

  So I’ve started writing a song called Five Years Dead. I guess it’s another attempt at capturing what Aerosmith did on their first album…what a great record. It brings back all the best and worst memories from Seattle. How I survived those days I just don’t know.

  ROSS HALFIN: That was how Nikki got his song titles. He told me he used to just get old books and steal their titles. “Five Years Dead” was only one example–there were plenty more.

  * * *

  FIVE YEARS DEAD

  Uptown downtown Haven’t seen your face around Paper said you shot a man Trigger-happy punk down in Chinatown

  * * *

  FEBRUARY 21ST, 1987

  Van Nuys, 2:45 a.m.

  I wonder what my sister’s doing right now. I wonder if she hates me for hating Mom. I wonder a lot of things…

  1. Does my dad know who I am?

  2. Does my band hate me and wanna find another bass player?

  3. How’s Lisa?

  4. Will I ever have a family?

  5. What would happen if someone found these diaries?

  NIKKI: Lisa was my sister I never knew. After she was born, a year after me, all I remember was that my sister had vanished. I never knew where she’d gone until I was older. Lisa’s whereabouts intrigued and troubled me all my life, but it wasn’t until the late ’90s that I discovered she was living in a sanatorium. I knew that she had Down’s syndrome and other major health issues but, to be honest, it was all a huge mystery to me.

  In a heart-to-heart conversation with my mom, I discovered where Lisa was just before I toured the New Tattoo album. When I called the people who had cared for her all these years, they told me they remembered me from when I was a boy. I said I was told that we couldn’t see her because it would upset her, and it was better never to visit. They told me, “No, that’s not true–we always wondered why you never came to visit.” I said that I was a musician, and they told me Lisa’s only pleasure in life was listening to the radio. She was living in San Jose, where we had played many concerts.

  My heart sank and my anger soared. Oh God, I thought, more misinformation, and I arranged to visit her as soon as the tour had finished and vowed to do something to help change her life. By the time the dates ended, she had died, and all I could do was build an angel statue with wings in her memory. It’s one of my life’s huge regrets that I never knew her. I used to blame my mother, but now I know I had the power to force my way into Lisa’s life.

  I’ll never forget holding her little hand in the casket and looking down at her sweet face. We had the same eyebrows. We never had a chance to be together. I cried harder than I ever had in my life.

  DEANA RICHARDS: When Lisa was born, doctors knew very little about mongoloidism. All they knew was that mongoloid children had two genes instead of one. Lisa was a very extreme case of Down’s syndrome. The majority of Down’s syndrome kids reach a mental age of anywhere between three and ten years old. Lisa never reached that. She never walked, couldn’t feed herself, nothing–she literally had the mind of a newborn baby all her life.

  When Lisa was born the doctors told me, “Don’t take her home, she will never be all right, she will never live.” But when she was two months old I went to the hospital and took her out. The doctors said, “You can’t do this, she is going to die,” and I said, “Well, then she will die in my arms, at home.” I took her home and tried to take care of her, but her father and I broke up, and I couldn’t afford the constant care of the doctors and nurses and everything. I became quite ill myself trying to look after her, and Nikki was getting totally ignored.

  I managed to find a little private hospital just outside Scotts Valley, California, that took care of Down’s syndrome sufferers. They wanted Lisa there, but to get her cared for, I had give up my legal right to her and make her a ward of the state of California. I signed away my daughter, and the people who ran the hospital told me to walk away and never look back. I asked why, and they said, “Because it will only rip you apart. Lisa doesn’t know you. She will never be anything but what she is today, and you will just tear your life apart.”

  I wouldn’t listen and I made a lot of financial sacrifices to go see her every week, but it got to the point where Nikki, who was now three, was feeling so neglected that he would just sit on the floor and rock. I had to make a choice–it was Lisa or him. So I stopped going to see Lisa and started spending more time with Nikki. Things with Nikki started improving then…for a while, at least.

  Nikki should not feel guilty about any of that. He never had any control over what happened to her, nor did I. There would have been no point in him going to see her because she wouldn’t have known who he was, and when strangers came in, she got upset. For years, I thought I had done something terribly wrong to deserve all that happened to Lisa. Then eventually I realized she was a special gift from God.

  CECI COMER: Whenever Mom talked about Lisa she was always soft-spoken and heartbroken, and you could tell it was excruciatingly painful. She never denied us information but she was hesitant about visits–I remember asking several times if we could go see Lisa and it made Mom cry. She stopped visiting because it would make Lisa go into fits and be upset and withdrawn for days, and Mom was under the impression that complete strangers would have the same effect–or worse.

  8:45 p.m.

  I’ve been thinking for a while, why do I always buy such pissy amounts of dope? I just use it all right away, then I have to wait for Jason to come around and see his stupid face every day. Why don’t I buy in bulk and just see him every week?

  I’m waiting for Jason now. He’s coming over with 1 oz of Persian and a 2 oz bag of blow…I should have done this a long fucking time ago.

  FEBRUARY 22ND, 1987

  Van Nuys, 5:30 a.m.

  Tonight may have been the worst of my life–which really is saying something. After Jason left I started shooting up, and the insanity kicked in right away. I don’t remember going to my closet, but I was there, freaking out, knowing the cops outside had followed Jason here and were outside the house coming in…

  I was banging so much that I knew I had to puke.

  I was too scared to get to the toilet so I just puked in the closet…I only made it to the toilet when the cops were at the door…I flushed the entire stash…

  Then I came down…nobody had been here…nothing had happened…I am truly insane. I had to call Jason to get more gear. He couldn’t believe I’d flushed it…nor can I…what an asshole…

  NIKKI: This was a spasmodic occurrence. I would decide to buy drugs in bulk, then would invariably binge as soon as I got them, freak out and flush them away. Once I did it twice in one night, and Jason said he had no more supply left. And then he asked me, “What the fuck is wrong with you flushing drugs, anyway?” I guess you know you’re in a bad way when your antics are exhausting the patience of junkie drug dealers.

  * * *

  LOST LYRIC

  My nose is all chapped Got a knife in my back Got a nasty reputation And I’m getting too thin Now my friends all laugh How I fell for the crack Hooray for addiction What a mess I’m in

  * * *

  FEBRUARY 24TH, 1987

  Van Nuys 11:30 p.m.

  I felt hungover and strung out in rehearsal but Five Years Dead sounds badass and the album is gonna turn out OK. What does it say about me that I can write songs when I feel like I’m dying? I wonder what I would be writing if I were straight…

  TOM ZUTAUT: Nikki was a pretty intense, driven individual, so when he first started dabbling, he seemed to be kicking back a little and finally able to enjoy the fruits of his hard work to get Mötley Crüe to the top. We didn’t realize it was heroin at first–he just seemed a little dreamy, and nodded off on a few phone calls.

  When I realized it was junk I voiced my concern to Nikki, and he assured me he was stopping and had it under control. When it didn’t stop I mentioned it to the band’s manageme
nt, who told me they were dealing with it. Once I realized exactly how big his problem was, I was very worried about him–it seemed like the train was moving so fast and drawing in so much cash that nobody wanted to stop the cash flow by dealing with the abuse of sex, drugs and alcohol.

  FEBRUARY 26TH, 1987

  Van Nuys, 4:20 a.m.

  Could I pay someone to kill my girlfriend?

  Vanity came to rehearsal…Jesus, I try my best to look normal around the band and then she shows up like that. A year ago, I would have been ashamed at her cackling, throwing those fucking Prince dance moves and hanging off my neck while I was trying to play. Her eyes were fucked…she must have been freebasing all night. I told her to shut the fuck up and she got in my face and asked what I was gonna do.

  What could I do? I just turned and walked out of rehearsal. Left her there with the guys in the band.

  TOMMY LEE: There was something real crazy about Vanity. She would just turn up at a rehearsal and jump up on a road case and start dancing randomly, out of nowhere. We’d be trying to rehearse and Vanity would be doing this strange little burlesque show. When I first met her, she seemed cool, but then it all changed.

  Nikki and I were freebasing a little back then. Vanity was into that as well, and Nikki claimed she got him started on it. But Sixx is a big boy–he can’t blame Vanity; it was his doing. Back then Sixx was like a big spider’s web, and he would bring others into his little fucking dark world. They would either a) never leave, or b) get so fucked up that they would panic, get out of there and leave him to it.

  EVANGELIST DENISE MATTHEWS: Nikki and I had very different tastes in music, religion, food, movies—you name it. It made for a relationship built on chaos and confusion, like two people getting stuck in an avalanche that never stopped rolling downhill. Life was full of surprises, with too many bruises and not enough Band-Aids. The highs were too high and the lows were as deep as Hades, the home of the dead.

  Was I happy? Well, happy is all that you know it to be when you’re a kid parading, masquerading and raising yourself in this crooked, wicked world. Back then, it was like giving candy to a baby, or more like chocolate cake…all you can eat. Then the candles burn out and you burn out, and wake up wallowing on the plateau of stupidity.

  I am happier today than I ever was. I am only unhappy when I am not paying attention and listening to God’s voice for simple direction. The struggle is less because I quit fighting with God as much and now try to submit to his will (the Bible) faster. Life is a series of hits and misses and tests that never end, but the reward is when you win Heaven just because you gave it your best try.

  True happiness comes when you obey the Scriptures. My morals and values have greatly changed and, because of my faith in Jesus, quite often pain and suffering breed growth. I dig doing what’s right. I hate pain.

  FEBRUARY 27TH, 1987

  Van Nuys, 10:50 p.m.

  Vanity left when Pete came over today. We have decided to have a party. I’m waiting for Jason now, and Pete has gone down to Sunset to pick up some girls from the strip clubs and bring them back here. It’s never hard to persuade them.

  * * *

  LET US PREY

  Seven million bodies

  Lying dead

  Beneath my hands

  War was such a simple

  Game to play

  Preachers do my bidding yet

  Blame me for their sins

  Altar boys are taken in dismay

  Kill and eat your neighbors

  Gas a subway in Japan

  I got more apocalyptic plans

  * * *

  Before I was so strung out, I used to go out and pick up girls and bring them back myself. Now I’m too reclusive to do it. Every time I go out, somebody gets in my face and wants something from me, and I just can’t handle it. It’s not just the drugs, it’s the fame…it’s overwhelming these days to go anywhere. We’re on the cover of every magazine on the newsstand.

  FEBRUARY 28TH, 1987

  Van Nuys, 6:15 a.m.

  Well, that was quite a night…until I brought it crashing to a halt as usual.

  Pete came back around two with 20 girls and all hell broke loose. I was pretty drunk, and ended up fucking a girl in the bathroom while another girl banged on the door. Then when we were done, the second girl came in, got mad at me for screwing her friend, then fucked me as well. I’m pretty sure Pete fucked them both too. What about the other 17 or 18 girls? I can’t keep track.

  It was a cool night until about five, when the coke came out again. I was just gonna do a few lines, then suddenly I was wired and just wanted everyone out of my house. I couldn’t bear them being here. So I told Pete to tell everyone to get the fuck out. I don’t need anything but my drugs, my guitar and my journal.

  TIM LUZZI: Nikki once showed me his heroin den in his closet. There must have been a hundred two-inch-by-two-inch pieces of torn aluminum foil covered in dark stains lying on the floor. He also took me in there once and shot up in front of me. He had the rig, the spoon, needle, cotton, flame, tie-off…that was wickedly sick. Nikki asked me to do it as well, but it wasn’t my cup of tea.

  * * *

  LOST LYRICS:

  Yuppies dressed up as satanic clowns Commit another suicide just to please the crowds And this anti-freeze is how we shoot the breeze…With this bottle and keys we'll drive off in our disease…Handsome dreams dressed up as a scheme And the reason for a gun is to prey on the meek…Last year’s haggard housewife scored a sedative as a lover Sits on her kitchen floor and eats from the same gun as her mother. God bless the weak?

  * * *

  4:15 p.m.

  I just had an outrageous memory from last night. Right before I broke out the blow and decided to end the party, this big redhead girl I’d never seen before dragged me into the bathroom and gave me a blow job. She never said a word until she was done, then she said you’ll never forget me, right? I agreed, then I’d forgotten her 20 minutes later. I need to take it easy for a few days…

  ROSS HALFIN: Women always liked Nikki because he had the je ne sais quoi of a rock star but also a really innocent face, like the guy next door. He’d always fuck the ugliest women, though. He’d meet an ugly girl and tell me, “Dude, no matter how fucked up I am, don’t let me bone her,” but he’d always end up going off with them. Always. He just seemed to like doing the most extreme thing possible.

  MARCH 1987

  …BLOOD WAS SPURTING ALL OVER THE CLOSET…AND I WAS JUST SLAMMING THE DRUGS ANYPLACE UNDER MY SKIN PRAYING THEY WOULD TAKE THE PAIN AWAY…

  MARCH 1ST, 1987

  Van Nuys, midnight

  Today I checked my answering machine. I hadn’t played it back for days. Steven Tyler had called, asking if I was OK. So weird–this guy I idolized as a kid is looking out for me as if he is my dad. Which is more than my dad ever did…

  * * *

  BLIND FAITH HAS

  NO CURE

  * * *

  I’ve left messages for Keith Richards, asking if he wants to meet up and write songs together, but he never calls back.

  MARCH 3RD, 1987

  Van Nuys, 2:30 a.m.

  T-Bone came over after rehearsal. The usual routine…chill out with a couple shots of Jack in front of MTV, then I bring out the gear and we shoot up…why can Tommy do the drugs better than me…why doesn’t he get hooked?

  Tommy is the brother I never had. He has this energy and positivity I just haven’t got…I get off on that, and I give him…what? Maybe a darkness and edginess he doesn’t have…and which in some twisted way he admires…it freaks me out that Tommy has never mentioned how I fucked up his wedding…I love him for that…

  NIKKI: When Tommy had told me a year earlier that he was to marry Heather Locklear, I’d replied, “Great, dude! I’m so excited to be your best man!” Come to think of it, he’d never actually asked me to be his best man. Maybe I was jumping the gun a little there.

  I was still with Nicole, and we checked into the Bil
tmore Hotel in Santa Barbara for the wedding weekend. We had decided to try to kick heroin again, so we took just enough drugs to get us through the wedding. After that, we were going cold turkey.

  People were shocked by my appearance at the wedding. Not only had I lost loads of weight and looked gaunt and kind of yellow, but I also was not very lucid. I kept vanishing to the bathroom and I felt really uncomfortable because I had simply forgotten how to socialize and be around people. When it came to the best man’s toast, I had no idea what to say. Somebody told me to say, “May all your ups and downs be between the sheets,” and I tried to, but I fucked it up. It all came out wrong. Heather was from a very wealthy, conservative family, and they must have been truly horrified at this junkie best man swaying about at their daughter’s wedding.

  After the wedding, Nicole and I went back to the hotel, shot up our last bit of dope and threw away everything. We broke all the needles. We kicked at the Biltmore, and it was horrible. I was really sick, and the weirdest thing I can remember is that there was a Little House on the Prairie marathon on TV. Every time I came to from my kick before passing out again, it was on. I still can’t watch that fucking show today: it brings back that memory too clearly. Years later I sat in an airport with a girl from the show and even that gave me the creeps. Not her–the thought of that damn show.