The Heroin Diaries

by Nikki Sixx

  Nikki and I became friends and had a good relationship–on the whole. We’d get fucked-up drunk together, cut our hands and swap blood to show that we were blood brothers. But Nikki was a very wild, unpredictable guy. He had so many façades–he’d rarely show his true personality. I also worked with Ozzy Osbourne a lot, and there are many similarities between those guys.

  ROSS HALFIN: Fred was this big ex–Hells Angels guy and part of his job for Mötley Crüe was scoring cocaine. They used to call it krell, from that movie Heavy Metal, where monsters from the planet Krell came down with big noses and snorted Earth. They’d say, “Where’s the krell man?” and ask Fred, “Dude, are you gonna krell me?” Fred’s other job was stopping them getting smashed up and getting into fights. One thing about Mötley Crüe is they will never turn away from a fight. Vince, Nikki and Tommy are fearless. If there are fifty people, they will fight them–you have to hit them with a brick to stop them. They will take on the world.

  9:20 a.m.

  What the fuck is wrong with housekeeping? They just keep knocking on my door. Now I can’t sleep…fucking great. It’s going to be a long-ass day.

  2:40 p.m.

  Just woke up. Finally about 10:30 this morning I ordered two shots of Jack for breakfast so I could go back to sleep. The room service lady was about 65 and she gave me that grandmotherly look of disapproval. The fact that I had on more makeup than she did probably didn’t help.

  Vanity is coming in today and I’m dreading the drama. Why do I put myself in these situations? I really need to learn to say no. She will

  embarrass me

  be a bitch

  be over-hyper

  complain

  get high

  stumble around drunk

  I mean, isn’t that MY fucking job? I’d rather sleep with the grandma room service lady.

  JUNE 18TH, 1987

  Sheraton Hotel, Tucson, Arizona, 4:30 a.m.

  Vanity is asleep in the other room. Laying in bed, her hair is all over the pillow like a seductive Medusa, skin like milk chocolate against the white white sheets and goose down pillows. You’d think she was a gift from the gods but somehow we are like fire and ice, oil and vinegar, and mostly it’s painful. We argue a lot, not all the time, but a lot…let’s just say, everything ends in an argument, usually over some stupid stuff. Somehow I always feel like I’m in high school when we’re fighting, ’cause nothing that we ever fight about is even important. I’m sure she feels the same–in fact, I know she does, ’cause she told me so right before she told me to fuck off and went to bed last night.

  I just took a celebration shot in the bathroom (OK, I admit to having brought a small bindle of gear). God, I love that warm feeling that comes over me (OK, I admit I brought one pack of rigs). It’s the best feeling in the world as you slump back and everything in life feels perfect…

  I know I said I wouldn’t use again but this was just a final kiss goodbye…just a pat on the back for being off dope, right?

  Now I’ll sleep like a baby. Oh ya, we did the cover shoot for Rolling Stone today. First show tomorrow. Better get some sleep…life is good…

  P.S. I got the dope from Pete. He’s back on.

  NIKKI: You know what I think now when I read this entry? I guess you know you’re insane when you are lying to yourself in your own diary.

  BOB TIMMONS: I always thought Nikki and Vanity had an extremely unhealthy relationship. Basically, they were co-addicts. Whenever Nikki got attention, Vanity would act out her jealousy. If he was in a room talking to people, she would get up on a table and start dancing. There was no support for Nikki at all because essentially they were always in competition with each other.

  EVANGELIST DENISE MATTHEWS: Live hard die young. That was where my vision was taking me until the reality of staring down that dark pit of death woke me up in shock. That is when I cried out to Jesus to save me lest I die. I was suffering in the bottomless pit playground of cocaine addiction. Lifting me higher and dropping me like a steel beam…I’d smoked enough rock that you could lift me up and stick me in the nearest cold grave.

  Sinking down into deep depression, I camouflaged my pain with even more makeup and a false smile. I have a shocking medical history of high blood pressure of 250 over 190, plus a heart attack, stroke and kidney failure due to my addiction. I had blood clots in my brain and had only three days left to masquerade this miserable lifeless creature that I had become. That was fifteen years ago. I said, “Do whatever it takes, Jesus, just don’t let me die.”

  7:35 p.m.

  More reh today and a lot of “hurry up and wait.” Beats the hotel…Rich Fisher is still trying to get the jet together but I guess painting it black is taking longer than we thought. We’ll probably have to lease a Lear jet for a few days.

  It feels so good to be out of LA and all the temptation and losers who creep around…I feel so guilty that I did some dope but it’s gone and I’m OK. I need to load up on some music. Better hit a music store. I’d die without music…I feel like I’m getting my life back.

  I gotta say the band sounds killer. We always pull it together right before the tour. Reh back in LA seemed to drag on forever…playing the songs in a dingy lil sweatbox just doesn’t have the zap it used to. As soon as we have to rise to the occasion we always get energized and sound tight as fuck.

  But one thing is bothering me–Vince isn’t the same guy he used to be. Since the accident he seems bitter and withdrawn. I can feel him slipping away from all of us. He seems to not want to be in the gang. He’s marching to his own drum, which is fine but I’m assuming the drift is a resentment he has towards us since he went to jail…can I blame him?

  OK, I gotta get outta here right now. I’m off to a Mexican dinner with Fred and some of the band and crew. No drugs today…first show tomorrow…

  VINCE NEIL: Nikki and Tommy were complete fucking assholes to me on the previous tour, Theatre of Pain. At the time I was not allowed to drink or use drugs because of my vehicular manslaughter conviction, but we’d be sitting on our jet and they’d think it was real funny to say, “Oh Vince, pass me that coke, will you?” I was supposed to be sober, and nobody gave a shit–they were just drinking and having fun. Everybody was out for themselves, and Nikki was the most spiteful of all.

  So Nikki and I didn’t have much of a relationship on the Girls Girls Girls tour. Nikki and Tommy had a relationship and whatever they did, I made sure I did the opposite thing. I wasn’t included in a lot of stuff they did, and I didn’t want to be. I mean–heroin?! Dude, I might be up for cocktails, or a little coke, but there is no fun to be had in heroin! I wasn’t comfortable hanging with Nikki–I just didn’t want to be involved.

  NIKKI: Vince sober on the Theatre of Pain tour? I guess if you don’t count all the pills, he was…

  JUNE 19TH, 1987 TUCSON COMMUNITY CENTER TUCSON, AZ

  Sheraton Hotel, Tucson, Arizona, 3:30 a.m.

  I’m a bit smashed right now…we had too many margaritas at dinner. I got into a fight with Vanity (again!). She just can’t shut up, so I told her to shut up or go home.

  Good fucking night. Nice way to start a tour…

  1 p.m.

  Wow I just woke up. I feel great. Sleep–the great healer. I have to go to the radio station with Tommy in a while but first I’m going to go for a swim and lie in the sun for a bit.

  I can’t wait until Vanity gets the fuck outta here. She’s so embarrassing, dancing around and lecturing us on shit. Who is she to tell us about anything? She’s just a fucking crack head.

  4:15 p.m.

  Off to the radio station and then sound check. The whole fucking world is here for the first show tonight. Damn, I wish they’d give us a few shows to iron out the kinks. Plus this is a small gig, 9,000 or so. Ya, it’s sold out, but even so…wish us luck!

  See ya later, SIXX

  JUNE 20TH, 1987 VETERANS MEMORIAL COLISEUM PHOENIKIAZ

  Sheraton Hotel, Tucson, Arizona, 1:30 a.m.

  Fucking show was gr
eat. I forgot how good it feels to play these songs. I admit to not being in the best shape yet so I threw up on the side of the stage during Tommy’s drum solo. It was kind of a shock to go full tilt for an hour and a half after all my body has been through.

  Off to bed. We leave for Phoenix at 2:30 tomorrow afternoon. I think the weasel writer from Rolling Stone is going to fly with us. This guy–I swear he’s the guy I used to beat up in school. In fact, maybe that’s what I need to do–kick his ass. He seems like a B52s fan…weak.

  P.S. Good news–the bitch went back to her brothel…or crack house.

  VINCE NEIL: Nikki’s fucked-up chick Vanity came out to our show in Tucson. As usual, she started doing all her crazy dancing right in front of us while we were trying to play. It was so bad that I told Nikki, “Dude, get your fucking chick out of here!” She was driving everybody crazy. It was real fucking embarrassing.

  ROSS HALFIN: Vanity was a dreadful, horrible thing. She used to dance in the photo pit so everybody could see her. All she’d do every night was dance like it was her show. She’d just crouch down with her legs wide open, like she was a pole dancer in a strip bar.

  DOUG THALER: Vanity was the kind of chick who would lecture you about how Coca-Cola would rot your teeth and could strip the paint off a car, then she would go home and get shit-faced on the other kind of coke. She was always winding the band up when they needed to be mellow. I’m sorry, but she was a real pain in the ass.

  EVANGELIST DENISE MATTHEWS: Don’t we just hate it when others lie to us, but we don’t feel the lie when we are doing the lying? How could I point at anyone’s window and smash their glass when my own window was already broken and I had lost all of my stones…or better yet, my marbles? Firstly I had to glue myself back together and then try to help others, but who can really clean up but God? He makes sure we don’t bleed to death from all the shards of glass thrown at our feet along the way.

  NIKKI: We were all doing the best we could with the tools we had. Unfortunately the tools we had were crack pipes, syringes, coke straws and whisky bottles.

  On the plane to Phoenix, 3:25 p.m.

  I’m on the jet we have to use until ours is ready. The worm from Rolling Stone is with us! I’m gonna try and get him fucked up and slip him something…maybe I can enlighten him.

  These writers always kiss up to you and then you get your throat slit when the magazine comes out. I say keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer…then you can see when their eyes turn brown.

  Mars is hanging awfully close to Emi the background singer. Something is fishy. Mars always keeps to himself, but he seems just a bit smug and sneaky. The number one rule is nobody fucks the background singer–who would have thought Mick would be the first to try?

  CHICKS = TROUBLE.

  JUNE 21ST, 1987 DAY OFF

  Clarion Inn, Phoenix, Arizona, 1:30 a.m.

  Show was intense, even better than the first one. Danny Zelisko said he’s seen us a zillion times and this is the best the band has ever been. We all ended up in the bathroom at the Coliseum doing tons of blow. There were loads of hot chicks and Vince as usual picked the best ones first and rolled out. Mick was hanging with that backing singer chick and me and Tommy did blow so long there were no chicks left when we came out of the john…lame. So I guess I’ll take a Halcion, jerk off and go to bed…boring.

  TIM LUZZI: The Girls tour may have pre-dated the arrival of crack cocaine but I remember some of Mötley used to make their own in the microwave in the dressing room. I didn’t notice immediately, but after a few days I noticed the attention that the microwave was getting and began wondering why it was so damn important–especially seeing as the band’s wives, girlfriends and hot chicks in the backstage holding area were getting so little attention by comparison.

  NIKKI: Rule Number Two:

  DONT GIVE A ROCKSTAR A MICROWAVE IN HIS DRESSING ROOM

  It’s kinda like giving matches to an arsonist.

  Noon

  Day off. I’m gonna lie in bed all day and watch TV. Did I tell you MTV is hammering our video? The bad news is all these bands are coming out that are B and C rate Crüe copies. In the end the record companies trying to cash in will be the death of us if this shit doesn’t stop…I feel bad for the fans.

  Rich Fisher always tries to plan something on our day off and I always say, It’s a day off, leave me alone. I guess since we pay the bill it’s in his best interest, right? I’m really gonna try to be good today and tonight.

  4 p.m.

  Just woke up again. I was just thinking about the time me and Tommy were tag-teaming this chick behind Kiss’s drums while they were playing Rock ’n’ Roll All Night here in Scottsdale. We thought it was just fun, then we found out it was the drummer’s girlfriend (OUCH). Nice girl (I think her name was Bambi). Now there’s one you want to take home to mom. Can you imagine? Hi Mom, this is my future ex-wife, Bambi…

  It was also a nice way to get thrown off our first ever tour.

  NIKKI: You know what was worse than getting thrown off the Kiss tour for bad behavior? Listening to Gene Simmons talk about himself all day and all night long. Sometimes I’d just sit there and say, “Uh-huh” and “Right” until he was done. For all his ego and bullshit I like Gene. But I can’t like him as much as he likes himself. That would be impossible.

  JUNE 22ND, 1987 TINGLEY. COLISEUM ALBUQBERQUE, NM

  On our way to New Mexico, 2:30 p.m.

  Right now I’m on our jet, we’re sitting on the runway getting ready to take off. Holy fuck, it’s insane. It’s black…have you ever seen a black jet? I’m digging this. We have a stewardess (blonde), we each have our own assigned seat (leather). I already found a nice place to stash stuff for border crossings. The show is sold out…11,000 people.

  Everyone is jacked up, so we’re passing around a bottle of Jack with the stereo cranked. Tommy motioned me to the back of the plane and he slid me a bindle. That’s my boy…

  * * *

  RANDOM SCRIBBLES

  We are the future but the future looks bleak I have no interest other than being uninterested All these vampires masquerade as leaders and prey on the minds of the weak All I know is I don’t care And even if I cared I’d have no hope to carry me to where I’d need to go

  * * *

  JUNE 23TH, 1987 COUNTY COLISEUM EL PASO,. TX

  On the Mötley jet to El Paso, 1:30 a.m.

  Good show but I’m fucking tired. I couldn’t find any blow in this fucking town. I know Fred is holding…Doug and Doc are on him to keep me under control. If I’m tired and I’m doing my job, why can’t I have a bump? They treat me like a kid.

  It’s fucking stupid. I’m gonna buy an 8-ball next time I score so I don’t have to go through this drama.

  We get into El Paso tonight around 2:30 or 3 so I guess I’ll just be a good boy tonight. Boring. I hate it when people try to control me.

  ROSS HALFIN: Nikki was never a mumbling, reclusive junkie–he always seemed to hold it together, but he would moan all the time. I’d ask him to do something in a photo session and he’d say, “Dude, I can’t, I’m tired.” Once I said to him, “It must be awful for you, having to stand against this wall backstage for two minutes so you can be on the cover of magazines. You could have a real job, like being a miner or working in Woolworth’s.” He yelled, “Fuck you!” which was what he always said to everything. But his general attitude–which made Mötley Crüe very successful–was “Fuck the world.”

  Nikki was never as bad as Vince. I arrived to shoot one session, and Nikki and Tommy said, “We’ve got to talk to you, there’s a problem with Vince.” It turned out that the previous time I’d shot them, Vince had told me to make him look thin–which wasn’t always easy–and I recommended he wear a black T-shirt. That was two years earlier, and he was still brooding about it. That’s how removed from reality Mötley Crüe was.

  NIKKI: Ross Halfin was so fun to wind up. We’d just bitch and moan even if we didn’t have anything to complain about. It was f
un to make his job harder ’cause he took the bait every time. I was recently in Europe with Ross and I told him that for all these years I thought he was gay. He went on and on and on about it: Why? How could I? He said that he was married and has a son. After I let him go on a bit longer, I said, “Ross, two things: Even if you were, who the hell cares? I was just winding you up (again).”

  That’s Ross–the easiest wind-up in rock ’n’ roll but a hell of a sweet guy (not that kind of sweet).

  Hotel, El Paso, Texas, 3 p.m.

  Weird to think I used to live here. I used to ride my bike down to Piggly Wiggly with my friends to look at the newest Hot Wheels and toys. They used to have popcorn at the door when you walk in so we decided we would get our popcorn bags half full and then go to the Hot Wheels section. We would bury the cars deep in our popcorn and walk out. Man, I fucking miss being a kid. It was a time of innocence. I wish I could go back, ’cause this life is hard.

  Good news. Tommy met these dealers and they’re gonna follow the tour thru Texas. We leave in the jet and they follow in their car…now that’s door-to-door service!

  * * *

  EL PASO

  Balcony in El Paso Cigarette butts grace my balcony And the remains of a dead pigeon seem somewhat poetic The life form that scurries around below Is a mixture of Tex-Mex and trailer park trash I know you–’cause I used to live here, too Guess that makes you just like me Does that make you wonder about yourself? Your secret’s safe