by Izzy Shows
Would it be so bad to renounce all I have done and go back, just to leave this pain behind?
But, no, I couldn’t be his soldier ever again. I was still lucid enough to remember how bad that had been, how I hadn’t had any control over myself. I hadn’t been able to choose what I would or would not do. I hadn’t been my own person.
I would never again have control of myself. I would never again decide even what I wanted to wear. I would be his minion, nothing more than a pawn on the board.
I couldn’t do that, no matter how bad the pain got.
At last, Cassiel withdrew the blade. This time, she turned and walked away from me, to the table where she had arranged various devices with which to torture me.
Choosing her next weapon, then. A brief respite, nothing more.
It was enough, though, for the pain to recede somewhat. Still, the holy water dripped onto me, but I could sag against the wall to ease the burning from the chains on my skin.
It had been hours—no, days; it had to have been days—that I had been in this warehouse enduring Cassiel’s ministrations. The pain from the water dripping onto me had faded somewhat. It was still present, but it didn’t drive me rabid anymore. I had adjusted to it.
Now, the darkness called to me again, begging me to give in to it that it might ease my pain somewhat.
I could let go of this pain and let the darkness claim me.
What reason did I have to fight anymore?
Laughter echoed in my ears, a confusing sound that I couldn’t quite understand at first. Then it happened again, and I recognized it for what it was: untempered joy.
My eyes didn’t seem to work at first, but then the world came into focus. I was standing in front of a very familiar door, and inside I could hear the sounds of a woman laughing.
My woman.
I was standing in front of Blair’s house, and she was just on the other side of the door. Everything in me ached to knock, to give in to the desire to see her again.
I was going to die anyway, so what was the harm in seeing her one last time? She should know everything, if I was going to die. There was no reason to hide it from her anymore.
The universe had seen fit to grant me my dying wish, and I would not trade it away.
Clenching my jaw, fighting the side of me that knew I needed to protect her, I lifted my hand and knocked on the door.
The seconds that passed were agonizing, and the thought that she might not answer at all was even worse than the thought of her opening the door and slamming it in my face.
At last, the door opened and…
“Don’t you dare, demon.”
Cassiel’s voice was a rabid snarl, and I felt the pain of her sword in my gut again. I looked down, my vision hazy, and saw blood leaking out of me.
But the feeling of pain was dulled. What hurt worse was knowing that I had been yanked from the dream of seeing Blair one last time.
“You aren’t going to get out of this so easily. I won’t let you!”
But they couldn’t control me any more than my Father could.
I accepted the pain, and with it, the darkness.
Blair was standing in front of me, her eyebrows creased together, and then her eyes widened.
Had I disappeared when Cassiel pulled me from the dream?
Her face was paler than I had ever seen, but she was as beautiful as ever. Her hair was longer than it had been the last time I had seen her, but still as white as ever. Her face had lines in it that hadn’t been there before, and she had dark shadows under her eyes.
She was wearing a black tank top and old jeans that were torn in several places. A new tattoo decorated her chest: a phoenix coming out of her breastbone, its wings spread above her breasts.
Her lips tightened somewhat and she took a step back, crossing her arms over her chest.
“What are you doing here, Mal?” And then she winced. “Malphas.”
When she corrected herself, it was a whisper, but it might as well have been a knife straight to my heart. She had always called me Mal, a nickname she’d invented. She was the only one who had ever called me that, and I had secretly loved it, though she’d done it with the intention of annoying me. I loved that she had a name for me that no one else used.
“I needed to see you once more.”
Pain etched her features. “It’s not a good idea. You shouldn’t be here.”
She stepped back, still holding the door, and I knew she was about to shut it.
I braced a hand on the door, and I knew the desperation I felt was in my eyes. “Please. I’m dying, Blair. I just… I just needed to tell you…”
Alarm filled her eyes. “What do you mean, you’re dying? You can’t come here and drop a bomb like that in my lap, damn it.”
Her face twisted into a scowl, and she glared down at the ground, clearly debating what to do.
“All right, fine, come in.” She stepped back and opened the door farther to grant me access.
I stepped across the threshold and moved into her small living room, which looked exactly the same as it had the last time I’d seen it.
Years ago, now. It had been two years since I’d last seen her, and she’d barely changed in that time.
My heart ached, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. I was here now. I had been given a second chance, and I was going to hold on to it as long as I could.
I looked around the room, at the old couch falling apart, the worn chair to the right of it, the coffee table in front of the couch. The bookshelf by the fireplace, filled with books until it was almost bursting, with more piled on the floor in front of it.
Druxglieqfredhelic had to be around here somewhere. I was certain she’d been talking to him, but he was nowhere to be seen now. He must have scampered off when he realized it was me outside the door.
Ah, well. I would have liked to see him too, but maybe he had known that this was my last chance to see Blair, and he’d wanted to give us that precious time alone.
Blair moved to stand in front of the fireplace, looking down at it. There was no fire there; it was filled with ashes, but she wouldn’t look away from it.
Was she remembering the last time we’d spoken?
I had been an ass then. I had taken my brand from her, hurt her in unimaginable ways—and not just the pain that came with removing the brand. I had said awful things to her, led her to believe she meant nothing to me.
She hated me, I knew that, and I knew I didn’t have enough time to make it right with her, but I was going to try.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” I said, my voice hoarse to my own ears.
She stiffened, but she didn’t look at me. “You’re sorry?”
“I know it isn’t enough—”
“You’re damn right it isn’t enough!” She whipped around to glare at me. “You carved out my heart, Malphas. I’ve only just put myself back together. Do you know how hard it’s been? Emily almost gave up on me.”
“She would never do that.”
She grimaced. “Maybe. I don’t know, but it felt like I was losing her.”
“She loves you. She would never leave you.”
“Yeah, about that…”
“You’re together now,” I said, forcing an empty smile to my lips. “That’s good. You deserve each other. I hope she makes you happy.”
“How did you know that?” she asked, frowning. “You couldn’t possibly know that.”
“How could I not?” I asked softly. “I couldn’t just…go away.”
“You’ve been watching me?” She flushed.
“I’ve kept tabs,” I said evasively. “I had to make sure you were safe.”
“Why?” The raw pain in her voice was like a knife in my heart. “Why would you care, after everything you said? You treated me like I was nothing to you. How could you do that?”
“Because I had to, Blair,” I said, and I could hear the pleading in my voice. “I had to do it to keep you safe. My brothers knew about you, and yo
u don’t understand how it used to be, what they would expect from a human I spent time with. They’d hurt you, use you, kill you. I had to remove myself from your life to stop that from happening.”
She shook her head. “I could have handled it. I could have handled anything, just not…”
Her voice broke, and she couldn’t finish the words.
Unable to hold myself back, I crossed the room to stand in front of her, cupping her face in my hands. Her eyes brimmed with tears that spilled over onto my hands.
“You were the one good thing in my life, and I couldn’t stand the thought of them laying a hand on you.”
She closed her eyes as more tears escaped her and leaned into my touch.
Hope flared in my heart. Could she forgive me?
“I wish you’d told me. We could have figured it out.”
“I couldn’t risk it. Please, try to understand.”
She shook her head and stepped back. “I’ll never understand how you could justify what you did, what you said.”
My shoulders sagged. “I don’t expect you to. I don’t deserve your understanding. What I did was unforgivable, and if I had the time, I would spend my life making it up to you.”
More tears filled her eyes. “It’s not a trick? You’re not just saying that to try to make me forgive you?”
“I would never do that. I am chained to a wall with a demented angel trying to ‘purify’ me.” I laughed, a bitter sound. “She’s going to kill me in the process, even if she doesn’t mean to.”
“But…”
“No, there’s no time for that. I don’t know how much longer I have left. I needed to see you again, even if it is just a dream.”
She frowned. “It’s not a dream, Malphas. You’re standing here, in my living room. This isn’t a dream at all.”
“Of course you would say that. Dreams don’t want you to figure them out.” I smiled kindly at her. “I don’t mind.”
She let out a low growl. “I’m not a dream, you idiot. Tell me where you are. Tell me right now. I’m going to come find you.”
“You can’t, and even if this weren’t a dream, I wouldn’t tell you. Your safety is the most important thing to me, and I wouldn’t risk you even to save my own life.”
“You stupid, pig-headed man!” she snapped. “I would kill you myself if that angel wasn’t doing it for me. Why can’t you just accept my help, like you tried to make me do with you every time? You wouldn’t leave me alone to fight. Why can’t you let me help you?”
“I deserve death, Blair. I’m tired. Just let me die.” I shrugged. “It’s past my time.”
“No!” She rushed to me and grabbed my shoulders. “I won’t. I can’t. Please, don’t do this to me. I’m not ready…”
She flickered, like a show on a television with bad reception.
“Malphas!”
Thirty-Three
The scent of burning flesh brought me back to the warehouse, my head lolled to one side.
“There you are,” Cass said, smiling sweetly at me as she extricated her blade from my body. “I thought I wasn’t going to get you back.”
“Just kill me, Cass. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore,” I said, and I meant it.
I had also meant every word I’d said to Blair. I’d told her the truth, made my peace with her. I’d apologized, although I’d known ahead of time that even in a dream, I wouldn’t find forgiveness from her.
That was all right. I only wished I had been able to see her for real, that I’d been able to give her the explanation she deserved. It wasn’t fair for me to feel some sense of closure and have her go on not knowing.
If only Lilith had been here. I could give her the message for Blair. Lilith and Blair were still on good terms. The two of them talked; I knew that. Lilith would be able to tell Blair for me, and maybe in time, in a decade or two, Blair would be able to understand why I had done what I’d done.
Then a sense of hope filled me because I realized that Lilith would tell her whether or not I was able to give the message to her. Lilith cared about Blair too much, and it was only out of a stubborn hope that I would go back to her that she’d been able to keep herself from talking to Blair herself.
Once I was dead, she would no doubt go straight to Blair and inform her why I had behaved the way I had. I only regretted that she would have to tell Blair about my death at the same time.
It wasn’t fair for Blair to learn about the two at once. My death would no doubt fill her with a sense of guilt that she hadn’t been able to get closure with me, that she hadn’t been given the apology she deserved. She would feel a sense of obligation to forgive my spirit, which wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have to forgive me just because I was dead.
But that was the way of the world, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Once I was dead, I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. There is no afterlife for Fallen, just as there is none for angels. We are creations of spirit, made entirely of the essence of a soul. Once that is destroyed, there is nothing left.
I wondered if Blair knew that. No doubt she didn’t, and she would try to call my spirit from whatever afterlife she thought I would be in, to have the conversation she’d been denied. I hated to think of her disappointment when it didn’t work.
She had to know that if it were possible, I would come from the ends of the Earth to speak to her. I had only stayed away because it was too dangerous to go to her, but if there were somewhere for my soul to go after death, it wouldn’t matter, and I would go to her in a heartbeat.
But all of that was neither here nor there. There was no afterlife, and I would never actually get to apologize to Blair.
I had made my peace with that, though, and with my impending death.
“Fight back, demon,” Cassiel snarled, plunging her blade into me again. “You’re supposed to fight!”
“Why would I do that? You’re going to kill me one way or another. I might as well do what I can to hasten it,” I said. I could do that, at least: take that victory away from Cassiel. She wanted to prolong my death, and by accepting that it was coming, my body would give in that much sooner.
“You will not die,” she growled. “You will be purified. You will return to the Light!”
“That is never going to happen, darling. I will never return to Heaven, no matter what horrible torture you conceive of in that twisted little head of yours.”
“No!” She pulled her blade out and stormed away from me, back to the table.
I could hear her muttering beneath her breath, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
Not that I cared terribly much about figuring it out. It didn’t matter whether she wanted me to die or not; it was going to happen.
I could already feel my body fading, the bits of soul I was made up of giving up on this life. It knew I wasn’t long for this world, and it sought a peaceful end.
All I had to do was let it go…
Cassiel turned back to me. “You can’t leave. It is not allowed.”
And then she began to chant something I had never heard before, a language that did not exist as far as I knew, and I knew every single language in this realm and others.
My eyes widened as I felt a tightening about me, felt my body solidifying.
She would tie me to the Earth? Tie me to the mortal realm?
I struggled against the chains, trying to fight the spell she would enact on me. She could not take my death from me! I had to die. It was the only way out of this pain, and I wouldn’t submit to going on endlessly like this for the rest of eternity.
I had no doubt that that was what she had in mind. She would keep me alive, keep trying to ‘purify’ me, no matter how long it took. No matter that it would never work. She wouldn’t give up, as stupid as that was.
I had to get out of this!
I had to die.
Just then, mid-sentence, she stopped speaking, her words dying off. I felt the hold she had on me relax. Thank God,
she hadn’t been able to finish the spell.
She cocked her head to the side, as if she’d heard something, and her expression grew wistful.
Then she disappeared.
I sagged against the chains, my back striking the wall again as relief poured through me.
Silence filled the warehouse. I was well and truly on my own. I looked down at my chest, at the blood running in rivulets down it, and laughter bubbled out of me.
Insane, maniacal laughter that kept coming, with no end in sight.
How the hell had we ended up like this?
Thirty-Four
The psychotic laughter died off as I fought to regain control of my senses. Cassiel wouldn’t be gone for long, and I had to take advantage of the moment while it still existed.
Can I get out of here?
Hope flared in my chest for the first time in a long time, and I started looking around to see what might be of use. I was chained and bound, and the circle around me wouldn’t allow me to move so much as a finger outside of it. I couldn’t break it from the inside; that would have to be done by someone on the outside.
I frowned, feeling the hope dying.
No, there was no escape to be had. I had been a fool to think it was possible. Ah, well, I had already resigned myself to my death. I had already made my false apologies to the dream Blair. I was ready to go. It wasn’t like there was anything else holding me to this Earth, or to any of the other realms.
I leaned my head back till it touched the wall, closed my eyes, and began the process of letting go. It was an ability given to all those created purely of a soul, with no true physical form but the one we conjured, to depart the life we had been given. All it took was a little time, and it seemed like I had that now.
Then I heard the sound of metal scraping against concrete, and my eyes snapped open. Was Cassiel back? But why would she enter through the door when she could just appear in the room the same way she had disappeared?
I narrowed my eyes, watching the far side of the room, until a figure took shape in the darkness as it came closer. The lighting in here was bad, and the pain of the holy water dripping down on me had ruined my ability to adjust to the darkness.
