by Gina LaManna
“Stop screaming,” I said. “We’ll be fine.”
I looked around worriedly, but there was nobody in the pool area.
Alfonso pounded on the door for a few minutes, but I finally got him to lie down and take long slow breaths until I almost thought he was sleeping. I’d told him that we’d conserve our oxygen better that way and be able to live longer.
When he was nearly passed out, I rolled over pretending to do the same and putzed with my phone a bit. This time, with a lot of praying and wishing, it powered up with a sick looking flicker. I sent out a quick text: Sauna—Now.
Then, I stood up. “I see someone.”
Alfonso’s eyes flew open and he jerked into a sitting position. “What? Who? Where?”
“Get down,” I said. “It’s the head of Carlos’s security force. He’s a really scary dude. And he thinks you’re the bad guy.”
Alfonso’s eyes grew to the size of a small planet. “I don’t want to die! What do I have to do? Tell him not to shoot.”
“Okay, here’s what we have to do.” I leaned close and brought out the cinch from my bathrobe from under my towel. “He might think you’ve got me trapped in here. In order to prove that it’s the other way around and you’re not dangerous, you need to let me tie you up. He won’t shoot if you’re tied up and standing right behind me, okay?”
“Fine, fine,” he said. He stuck both of his hands out.
“Behind your back.”
He turned around, his thin wrists trembling as I tied them together tightly.
“Good. Now stand behind me.” I waved for him to get behind me and I took my place in front of the glass door.
Anthony strode towards us with sure steps, though his face was a mask of annoyance. Just wait 'til he sees this, I thought. Just wait.
And then I was in for a surprise; behind Anthony, walking with a gorilla-esque gait was Joey, trudging through the swimming area, his mouth working a hundred miles an hour in the direction of the backside of Anthony’s head.
“Hmm. That’s odd,” I mumbled aloud.
“Everything okay?” Alfonso asked.
“We’ve got additional company.”
“I’ll be okay, right? You said…”
“I know what I said. You’ll be fine. This guy…” I trailed off as Anthony approached the sauna.
He looked through the glass at me for a moment, and I worried for a second that he was debating letting me out or not. There was a small part of me that thought he enjoyed seeing me sweat in here, and would leave me in for punishment or amusement, two things separated by a very fine line.
I put my hand to the glass and gave a sad pout, much how I’d seen monkeys do at the zoo, and then I gestured towards the locked door.
With a grimace he unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“Look who I have here,” I said. “Caught him, captured him. Told you I could do it.”
Anthony’s eyes took in the sight of the two of us, sweating beyond all believe—Alfonso naked except for a towel and me in barely more than a swimsuit.
“Do you believe in working naked?” he asked. “Because the common thought, at least in my experience, is that clothing is good when you’re on duty.”
“Hey, I had to play a role, okay?”
“You were playing a role?” Alfonso blurted. “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you! What are you going to do with me now, kill me? I’m innocent!”
“You might be,” I said. “But the advice I gave you was real. I wasn’t playing a role the whole time, buddy.”
I leaned toward him and showed him my glowing phone screen. “But I did have to capture you, especially after such an embarrassing escape from my bathroom. Since you’re a sneaky little twerp, I had to out-sneak you. The moral of this story is that if you wanna be in the Mafia, you gotta learn to take no chances. For example, how do I know you’re not feeding me a sob story, and that you really did kill Leo?”
“Wait a second! What about everything you told me? The freshman fifty-five, all that stuff about grownups. Is it all just lies?” Alfonso wriggled, trying to loosen his hands, but I’d tied a pretty darn good knot.
“No, buddy.” I turned and put a hand on his shoulder. “Everything I said was real. This was real. We had a moment.”
Anthony was looking between us as if he wanted nothing to do with the interaction.
I turned away from the large man to focus on the small one once more. “What happens in the sauna, stays in the sauna. Just remember what I said.”
Alfonso rolled his eyes. “But I’m innocent.”
I looked at Anthony. “I’m pretty sure the kid’s telling the truth. Which means, we have a problem.”
“A problem? Besides this?” He gestured towards the whole sauna situation.
“Yeah. He’s innocent,” I said.
“That’s him!” Joey’s finger stabbed towards Alfonso accusatorily. “He’s the one that stole it.”
“Stole what?” I asked.
“My bathrobe cinch. The one they took Kiki away with,” Joey said. “I saw him leaving the room with it. Didn’t think twice about it then, but it’s hard to mistake that glowing ginger head of hair.”
“What happened?” I asked. “Fill me in.”
Anthony cleared his throat. “We found the cinch of a bathrobe outside on the driveway. It has lipstick smears on it that we believe to be Kiki’s. To the best of our knowledge, the person who kidnapped her gagged her with the bathrobe waist tie. We’re not sure how it ended up on the ground behind, but maybe after they put her in a truck or car or whatever vehicle, she managed to leave it behind as a clue.”
“Your bathrobe was missing the cinch.” I quickly added, “I’d mistaken it for mine in the dark last night when I showered, and I was surprised when I couldn’t tie it shut.”
“Yeah, and he stole it,” Joey said, the finger still jerking towards Alfonso. “I always knew you were no good.”
“I haven’t seen you for years, Uncle Joey,” Alfonso said. “The last time I was like six. You were over at our house drinking beer and playing cards. Remember? You tried to light your farts on fire with a match after you lost Go Fish to me.”
“I didn’t lose,” Joey hissed. “But, you little liar—you snuck into my room last night. I don’t know how, but you took that rope. You’re trying to frame me.”
“I’m not.” Alfonso looked at me. “Tell them, Miss. Tell them I’m innocent.”
“I need to think,” I said. “And I’m feeling a bit woozy from the heat. Could we please just…?”
I trailed off, the heat really doing a number on my brain. I was afraid if I didn’t get some fresh air I’d be seeing mirages left and right.
“All right,” Anthony said. He took Joey’s right arm in one hand and Alfonso’s tied wrists in the other. He pushed them both out in front of him and took out a scary looking gun.
“Don’t kill them,” I said.
“It’s a Taser.” Anthony nudged them. “Now get moving or I’ll shock you till you piss your pants. Then I’ll throw you in the pool, because I don’t do cleanup and I can’t stand the smell.”
The awkward troupe began their march across the pool room. I gathered my things and escaped the humid box, hurrying after them. I latched onto Anthony’s arm—the one without the Taser, and with his help managed to limp through the lobby following my cousin and my captive.
“I need to talk to you,” I whispered to Anthony.
“And I, you,” he said. “But not now, not here.”
“When?” I looked up at him.
“In five minutes, once we get the ghost kid some pants and put some more clothes on the pumpkin.”
“All right, good plan.”
We retreated back to mine and Joey’s room, where Vivian was still sitting on the bed, a tissue in her hand and mascara on her cheeks. One of Anthony’s men stood next to her, as straight and still as a statue.
Anthony tossed towels at both Joey and Alfonso.
“
Get them dressed.” Anthony talked with clipped tones at the bodyguard in the room, also in a suit.
“Come,” Anthony gestured to me. I joined him by his side as he addressed the pumpkin and the ghost. “When I come back, I want your nuts fully covered in a piece of manly clothing. No glitter, no sparkles, nothing. Jeans, maybe.”
“Vivian, come with us,” I said.
She looked first at the intimidating body guard, still as stone next to her. “No. I want to stay with Joey.”
“Why don’t you come with us?” I asked gently. “Come get your hair redone and your makeup.”
“No,” she said again. “I’m staying with Joe. Is it true, Joe? Do you still love me?”
“With all my heart, Vivian Poo. I love you, baby.” Joey had one foot in a pair of jeans that looked like they might fit Alfonso better than him.
“Then I ain’t leaving,” she said.
“It’s fine,” Anthony said. “Let’s go.”
“What’s your take on this?” he asked as soon as we found a quiet corner in the hallway. There was a potted plant that gave us some nice privacy. I hadn’t remembered it being there before, but I’d been quite busy, in my defense. We stood behind the plant and talked in hushed voices.
“The kid didn’t do it. He thinks he’s a hot shot, but it was all a stupid misunderstanding. What was that whole thing with Joey?”
“My guys were looking around outside and they found a few odd things, and after a closer inspection, they believe some of the items may have been left behind by either Kiki or her kidnappers. For example, the bathrobe tie.”
“That’s all you found?” I asked. I swatted a branch from the fake tree behind me. One of the leaves had drooped and was annoyingly tickling my neck. “I mean Joey was missing his, but it also could’ve been anyone else’s.”
“Yes, but not everyone uses coconut scented body tanner, and not everybody uses coral pink lipstick with Lusty Lavender lip liner.”
I looked up at him with an astounded expression. “Wow, sir. That’s a higher level of detail than I expected from you in such categories.”
Anthony closed his eyes for a long moment. “Vivian confirmed both. I happen to have a mind for details, which makes me good at my job.”
“Right-o. Lusty Lavender, then.” I couldn’t help winking. “Anyway, did you find anything else, besides that?”
“This, but it doesn’t mean much to me. Anything to you?” Anthony took out a wrinkled slip of paper.
I smoothed it out, noticing it contained a laundry list of TO DO items. There was a header on the page, but it was smeared and difficult to read.
The list contained two items:
-Tickets to Vegas
-Change names on Honeymoon
I squinted at a semi-smudged headline.
“Does that look like wedding to you?” I asked.
“No, it looks like weeding.” Anthony squinted also. “That can’t be right. Must be wedding.”
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “I have to check on something.”
I burst downstairs, passing my chubby child-spy friend in the hallway who was happily toting two bags of Cheetos. He must have been a good bargainer to come away with that sort of a deal. Especially from someone as cheap as the Printer Nazi.
“Hey, me again. I have to ask you something.” I leaned against the counter, gesturing to my friend the printer patrol. I realized too late that this was a bit awkward, since I still had a towel wrapped around my sports-bra-covered top and booty-shorts-covered butt.
“What now?” The clerk shook his wide eyed head. “I tell you, your family is something else.”
“If only you knew.” I paused. “So tell me what this cheapskate looked like that printed and dashed.”
“Why do you want to know?” He punched his glasses upwards with a jerk of his thumb.
“Because I think he’s swiping napkins from the reception,” I whispered. I leaned my chest on the counter. “He must have a thing for paper products.”
“Whoa, honey. Not interested.” The clerk waved me off, yelling loudly while glancing steadily at my chest. Then he shiftily took a peek around the lobby and met my head halfway across the counter, dropping his voice to a whisper.
We were nose to nose.
“Let me tell you,” he said. “He was a pumpkin. He’d sat in Planet Hollywood’s spray tan for centuries longer than necessary.”
“Got it, thanks. Same person.” I patted the counter again. “That’s all I needed.”
“But those muscles of his are something else,” he called after me. “The banker pays better, but the muscle man looks better, no competition.”
“Sorry, he’s kind of in a complicated relationship right now,” I yelled back. “But I’ll let you know if things open up.”
“Which one?” he shouted after me.
“Uh, both of them,” I called back.
I sprinted back upstairs to Anthony. “It was Joey. Joey did it.”
I filled him in on the details. Things were starting to add up.
“Joey wanted to stop the wedding. Why he killed Leo, I’m not exactly sure, but it must have something to do with the wedding. And Kiki was obvious—he knew Vivian was looking for every excuse to postpone the wedding, so who better to kidnap than her Maid of Honor, whom she’d known for two months?” I shook my head. “I mean, that last part about the two month best friend I don’t get, but do you see where I’m coming from?”
Anthony nodded.
“What are you going to do with him?” I asked.
“None of your business.” Anthony started walking towards the hotel room.
“What? Excuse me?” I yanked on his hand to turn him around, but it didn’t work. He continued to plow down the hall, so I sprinted in front of him and spread my arms wide. “You need to understand something, buddy. I’m part of the Family now. Carlos asked me to find out what happened, and I think I should know. You have to stop treating me like a baby.”
Anthony expelled a very long, extended sigh. “I know you’re not a baby. It is my job to protect you. It’s also my job to protect Carlos and the rest of the Family. What I tell you and do not tell you is for your safety, not because I don’t think you can handle it. Do you understand?”
I nodded, albeit hesitantly.
“It’s a matter of pure professionalism. Why should I treat you differently than any other member of the Family? I’m certainly not mouthing off my plans to Nicky and Rocky, or even Carlos left and right.”
I did a little shrug. “It’s not like I’d tell anyone.”
Anthony gave me a stern, crooked eyebrow raise.
“Fine,” I said. “I guess that makes sense.”
“You did your job, and a good one at that. Now, let me do mine.”
I took a step to the side and let him pass me by. I turned and followed him back to the room, but neither of us was prepared for the mess that lay behind the door.
Chapter 10
“What the hell happened here?” Meg asked. She was perched on the bed, drinking some sort of boozy cocktail out of a monstrous souvenir glass. “Must’ve been some party. Thanks a whole lot for inviting me. Not.”
“What the hell is all this? Meg, did you have anything to do with this?” I asked. I rushed forward throughout the chaotic mess–the place where our two captures had been held only moments before.
There were clothes strewn over the beds, tossed on chairs and tottering dangerously from the lamp shade. Anthony’s bodyguard lay unconscious on the bed, his hands folded peacefully over his stomach as if he were taking an extended nap.
The window was open, a breeze blowing lightly through the curtains. Except for Anthony’s security guard and Meg, who was sitting next to the poor, passed out man and patting his face, the room was empty.
Anthony flicked open his phone and spoke a stream of incredibly articulate Italian. I heard a few words that I knew were not polite niceties.
“I’m trying to get this guy to wake up, b
ut he’s just plain knackered out. Why didn’t you say you were having a party here? I thought you guys were toast last night after those girls started titty slapping each other.” Meg pinched his cheek. “Wake up, cutie patootie.”
“Meg, I think he was knocked out.” I walked towards him and felt the back of his head. Sure enough, there was a knot there the size of a golf ball.
“Oh, ouchie! I ain’t knocked anyone out at a party since I left the force.” Meg chortled. “Then again, knocking people out could’ve been one of the contributing reasons that they told me to leave, but who knows? That’s in the past now.”
“Did you see anyone else in here?” I poked around the rest of the room.
“Nope, just his sexy ass.” Meg looked around, shaking her head as if it was quite a tragedy she’d missed the festivities.
“When did you get here?” I asked. “I didn’t even see you come up, and we were right in the hallway.”
“Yeah, see. It was weird. The elevator was broken at floor seven. So the dude at the front desk told us that in order to get to seven we had to go to six and then take the stairs one floor. Turns out stairs pop out right next to this room, here!”
“The stairs are right next to this room?” I asked, dread hitting my stomach.
“Not the right ones, actually. The wrong ones. I took a little accidental detour, and ended up getting myself a little lost in the maintenance area. But then I figured it all out, and I knew I was in the right place on account of passing Vivian and her fiancé in the hallway with their priest. It’s funny. I never would’ve thought a boring banker would be so orange. I always figured they’d be more white and pasty like cupcake frosting.”
“What did you say?” I was fairly certain my heart had stopped beating. “Orange?”
“Yeah, like pretend tan. Like I need me one of those men, 'specially if they make lots of money and get free tans. Actually, he looked like that weirdo who drove up here with us, Joey. ‘Cept this version was dressed very nice in a suit. Would’ve been a dead ringer for Joey, this guy, except Joey doesn’t dress so appropriate. I couldn’t really see his face though, ‘cause of a hat.”
“What about the priest?” I asked. “Did he look familiar?”
