by Cindi Madsen
…
Stepping over the cactus, she scanned the ground. Instead of mentioning the lizard hunting, she’d simply asked to hang out with Spencer. Mom had surprised her by saying yes after only a brief hesitation.
Liv spotted one of the little creatures sunning itself on a rock. Most of them had run off before she’d even gotten close. She was kind of hoping this one would get up and run, too. “I don’t think I can touch it.”
Spencer put a finger to his lips. “Talk quietly or you’ll scare him away. Now stop being a wuss and just do it.”
No way could she back away from the challenge now. One inch at a time, she crouched near the lizard. She hovered her hand over it for a couple seconds, then snatched it around the stomach.
“Ew, ew, ew,” she said as it wiggled in her hand. Its belly was soft, but the jagged scales on the lizard’s back rubbed against the palm of her hand. Its clawed feet swung wildly through the air. “Now what?”
The lizard whipped around and bit the fleshy part between her thumb and index finger. “Ouch!” She shook her hand until the lizard released its grip and fell to the ground.
Mouth hanging open, she looked from her hand to Spencer. “I swear, if it starts bleeding, I’m not going to do any more of these stupid things with you.”
Spencer stepped across a big rock, grabbed her hand, and looked it over. “I think you’ll live.”
She yanked her hand out of his grip and smacked his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me they bite?”
“I thought you were smart. Everything with a mouth bites.”
“I’m going to bite you.”
He gave her a smile that sent her pulse racing. “I think I’d like to see that.”
Heat crept into her cheeks, her heart went into overdrive, and as they stood there, looking at each other, she swore his gaze moved to her lips.
Then he looked over at his car. “So now that you’ve caught a lizard, we can—”
“Don’t even think you’re getting away that easily. We’re not leaving until you catch one.”
Eyes running over the ground, Spencer took a large step forward. “Watch and learn.”
…
“I still can’t believe that’s what you did for fun as a kid,” Liv said as Spencer turned onto Main Street.
“In case you didn’t notice, there’s not much to do here.”
Show-off that he was, Spencer had caught four lizards before calling it a night. Red scratches showed on his hand where the creatures had clawed at him. Two of the brown scaly things had bitten him before he’d let them go.
Spencer turned up the volume on his car stereo. “How about this? It’s a far cry from classical music.”
The male singer scream-sang the lyrics over heavy drums. “Sounds like he smashed his finger or something. Why is he so angry?”
“Maybe a lizard bit him and he’s making a huge deal about it.”
Liv laughed. “Okay, let’s listen to something else.”
Spencer pushed the scan button on his radio.
“Yuck. What is that?” she asked when it landed on a station.
“That’s country. And yes, it is horrible, so you get extra cool points for not liking it.”
She threw her hands over her heart. “Just what I always wanted. Cool points.”
Smiling, Spencer shook his head. They were back to this comfortable place she loved, laughing and joking, everything so easy and fun. It felt amazing to be the person she was deep down, when the past was in the past and her voices were stripped away.
He pushed the numbered buttons on his stereo, listening for a second or two, then pushing the next.
“Wait. Go back. That sounded good.”
He dropped his hand, nose all wrinkled up. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Chick power music?”
“It makes me want to go protest all the wrongs in the world. And maybe do a little headbanging.”
“Why is it okay when the chicks are screaming, but not the guy?”
Liv shrugged. “It sounds better.”
The song ended and a commercial came on. Spencer started hunting again.
“That sounds good,” Liv said.
“Katy Perry?” Spencer stopped at the light. “Don’t tell me you like this synthesized pop crap. This isn’t even music.”
“I want to hate it, but it’s kind of catchy. I hate it and like it at the same time.”
“You’re a little schizo.”
“I know. I can’t figure it out. I feel like…”
A huge grin spread across his face.
“What?” she asked.
“I was making a joke, and you start explaining how you’re schizo. It’s funny, that’s all.” The light turned green and Spencer accelerated through the intersection.
“It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m living a life that’s not mine. I’m sure it’s because of my missing memories, but it feels like everything’s…off or something.” Her insecurities flared, and she leaned back in her seat. “Okay, now that I hear it out loud, I realize how weird it sounds. Just pretend I didn’t say it.”
A crease formed between his eyebrows. “No, I think everyone feels that way at some point. Memories or not. In fact, it’s probably nice to not remember all the crappy stuff you’ve done.”
“But what about the good memories I’ve missed out on?”
The song ended, and for a moment, silence hung in the air.
“Well, that’s why we have the list. Being out there tonight brought back good memories of how easy things used to be when I was a kid.” Spencer pulled up in front of her house and threw the car in park. “Tomorrow, I’ll take it easy on you. We’ll go with a movie.”
Suddenly tomorrow seemed way too far away.
17
The promise of another adventure with Spencer was enough to help her get through her morning classes. The closer it got to lunch—to seeing him again—the happier she felt. By the time she walked into the cafeteria, she was dizzy with anticipation.
She got her food and headed toward Spencer’s usual spot. Unlike last week, he didn’t have his earphones in. His eyes met hers and he returned her smile.
Keira stepped in front of her. “You need to come with me.”
“What’s up?” Liv asked.
“Trust me, okay? I’m fighting for you, but I can only do so much. Just come sit by me today. Please.”
Liv looked at Spencer, shrugged, and reluctantly followed Keira in the other direction.
“What’s the deal?” Liv asked as she and Keira sat down.
“Some of the girls were talking, and they were saying you’re not as nice as I think you are.”
All the crap she’d put up with from Sabrina, and now the group was blaming her? The more she thought about it, the hotter the blood running through her veins got. “Sabrina’s the one who was constantly taking shots at me. All I did was stick up for myself.”
“They said she was just talking and you were rude about it.” Keira threw up a hand. “I believe you, I do, because I know how Sabrina can be. She’s used to getting her way, and she can sometimes come across as mean, but once you get to know her better, you’ll see she’s got another side to her, too. I think you should try to make up with her.”
Liv crossed her arms. “What if I don’t care what she thinks?”
“It’s not only about her, though. I’ve been friends with Sabrina, Candace, and Taylor forever. We’ve grown up together. We’ve had our differences, but when I needed them most they were there for me. Right off the bat I knew that you and I could be friends. But if you and Sabrina start fighting…” Keira shook her head. “I don’t want to have to choose. I just wish everyone could get along and be happy.”
Some of Liv’s anger deflated. She could tell Keira truly believed it was possible for them to all get along, and she wished that was true, but she wasn’t holding her breath. “You’re a very sweet person, Keira. I hope you don’t get walked on because of it.”
“It’
s not so bad. Once in a while I have to give in on something I don’t want to do, but I get invited everywhere, and it’s nice having a big group of friends.”
I remember when all I wanted was to fit in. I thought it would be easier, but it wasn’t.
Wait. What?
Liv thought that if she just focused hard enough, she’d be able to grab the memory that was tickling her mind.
“So, like, what are you guys?” Sabrina asked, shattering her concentration.
Out of nowhere, Sabrina, Candace, and Taylor had appeared opposite her. All three of them stared at her, obviously waiting for an answer.
“Keira and I are friends, so we’re sitting here having a conversation.” Liv forced a smile onto her lips. “Care to join us?”
Sabrina narrowed her eyes. “You know that’s not who I’m talking about. What’s going on with you and Spencer?”
Why is everyone so obsessed with my relationship with Spencer? “We’re friends.”
“You know, he and I used to date.”
“He never mentioned it.” Okay, so she knew they’d dated, but only because Keira and Clay had told her. Determined not to let Sabrina get to her, she kept her voice calm, like they were discussing nothing more serious than the weather. “I assume there’s a reason for the used to part.”
Rage filled her eyes. “You just got here, so I’ll let you off with a warning. Stay away from him. It’s rule number one in girl code. You don’t go for a friend’s boyfriend, crush, or ex-boyfriend.”
The calm started to crack as Liv glared back. “Funny, Sabrina. I didn’t know you and I were friends.”
“Keep acting the way you are, and we never will be. You won’t have any friends.” Sabrina glanced at Candace, then Taylor, and finally Keira. “I think Liv needs some time to think about this on her own.”
Keira looked up at Sabrina. “But I haven’t even eaten my—”
“You can eat it down there.” Sabrina pointed to the other end of the table.
“Sorry,” Keira whispered, then picked up her tray and joined the rest of the girls.
Liv watched them settle in. Keira had an apologetic look on her face; the other three girls were going overboard pretending she didn’t exist.
The room blurred, a similar scene unfolding in her mind of three girls sitting across from her in a cafeteria. One looked like the punk version of Sabrina—pretty with shiny brown hair. Only this girl had a blue stripe up front and eyes ringed with lots of black eyeliner. She wore a leather band on her wrist and enough earrings to provide jewelry for an entire army, and she had her fingernails painted black. The two other girls flanked her, and she could tell they’d back the girl up, no matter what happened next.
The hazy form of the girl leaned forward, her image sharpening, eyes narrowed. “You want to go back to being a loner?”
Liv stared at the girl, a riotous mix of anger, frustration, and panic coursing through her. “So if I don’t agree with you all the time, we can’t be friends?”
“Friends back each other up. So either you’re in or you’re out.” The girl stood, and so did the other two with her. “We’ll give you some time alone to think about it.”
The images faded, and the noise of people eating and talking, along with the smells of food and cleaner, came back into focus. Liv gripped the edge of the table so hard it dug into her palms, but she couldn’t let go, because it felt like the room was spinning. Where the hell had that scene come from? Was it a hallucination?
No, because if it was…Cold spread through her entire body. If it was, that meant she was leaning less toward occasionally hearing voices and more toward serious mental illness.
She glanced at the end of the table, where Sabrina was still pointedly ignoring her. She wondered what would’ve happened if the scene in her mind had played out all the way. Would she have eventually given in to the girl so she didn’t have to be a loner?
Had any of it actually happened?
Liv shook her head. It didn’t matter. Because right now, in this moment, she wasn’t going to give in. She had someone else to talk to. If Sabrina really wanted me to stay away from Spencer, she shouldn’t have left me on my own.
Fully planning on joining him, she gripped her tray. But when she looked over to the spot where he’d been earlier, he wasn’t there anymore.
…
Spencer sat at the desk in front of Liv and spun around to face her. “Looked like some serious mutiny was going down at lunch today.”
She propped her cheek on her fist. “I’m being punished. Apparently there’s a girl code and I’m breaking it.”
His mouth dropped open in mock horror. “You broke girl code? How dare you!”
“You’ll never guess what it’s about.”
“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” he said, smiling.
“You. Sabrina demanded I stay away from you.”
His smile faded.
“Why is she still so hung up on you?” Liv asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, how long did you guys go out?”
His familiar mask descended again. “This is one of the many reasons I hate this tiny town. All the drama. And everyone thinks it’s their business when it’s not. It’s over. She knows it, I know it, end of story.”
Wow. He really doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he’s still hung up on her, too. That thought made her sick to her stomach.
He ran his fingers along the back of his chair, eyes focused on the movement. “So, are you going to have to stay away from me now?”
“That’ll be pretty hard, since we’ve got a whole list of things to complete and you promised to be my ride home.”
“It’s not that far of a walk, you know.”
Liv opened her mouth, but the shock made it impossible to form a coherent sentence. “Oh, I…uh…”
He reached out and squeezed her knee. “Hey, I was kidding. You didn’t think I’d actually make you walk home?”
“With you, I never know.”
“Ouch.” He put a hand over his heart. “I thought we were past that. I mean, we caught lizards together.”
Liv smiled and made an extra large eye roll. “Talk about dramatic.”
“Just wait. You’re going to love our movie marathon. Even more than you love math.”
…
Spencer glanced around. “Okay, we got the popcorn.”
Liv held up the bowl. “Check.”
“Movie’s in the DVD player and the curtains are drawn for minimal glare.”
“Wow, you’re taking this really seriously.”
“I’m setting the mood. You’ve got to get the whole movie experience.”
A few minutes later, they were side-by-side—not too close, and definitely not as close as she would like to be, but close enough to share the popcorn—watching the first Lord of the Rings movie.
Halfway through, the front door swung open, flooding the room with light, and a little girl walked in. “Hey Spence, whatcha doing?”
Spencer picked up the remote and pressed pause. “Trying to watch a movie. I thought you were going to be over at Hailey’s for a while.”
“Got boring.” The girl grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth. A couple kernels didn’t make it and fell to the floor.
“This is my little sister, Katie. Katie, this is my friend, Liv.”
“I didn’t think you had friends anymore.”
Spencer gestured for Katie to move out of the way of the TV. “If you want to watch with us, you have to sit down and be quiet.”
Katie sat on the floor in front of them and Spencer started up the movie again. Liv couldn’t focus on it anymore, though. The same feeling she always got around girls Katie’s age—girls with brown hair—filled her. This awful, aching sensation in her chest that made her want to cry.
When Katie swung her backpack off, Liv noticed the picture on it—a white cartoon cat with a red bow over the ear. The words Hello Kitty were in large let
ters across the top. Staring at it, she was sure she’d seen it before. It brought back…something. She thought of Elizabeth, makeup and nail polish strewn about the room.
“Is she always getting into your nail polish and makeup?” Liv asked.
Until Spencer looked at her like she was crazy, she didn’t realize how stupid it sounded. “Yeah, it’s a real problem,” he said.
“Oh, I just heard that about little sisters. That they get into your stuff.” Tears filled her eyes. She blinked, trying to keep them from breaking free.
Confusion flashed across Spencer’s face. He leaned in and put his hand on her knee. “What’s wrong?”
Liv shook her head. “Nothing. Everything. I don’t really know.” The answer was that she missed somebody. Somebody she didn’t know. Which made no sense. Now that Spencer was staring at her, she had an even harder time controlling her emotions. “Can you just take me home?”
…
“Everything okay?” Dad asked as Liv walked into the living room.
I’m just a crazy person who sees people who aren’t there in the cafeteria and had a meltdown for no reason in front of Spencer, but everything’s just dandy. “Yeah. It’s fine.”
The ride home had been filled with awkwardness. She had no idea what to say or how to explain, so she hadn’t bothered, and Spencer hadn’t said anything, either. Just when she thought they were making progress.
The smell of food and violin music filled the air. “Sounds like Mom has already started cooking dinner.”
Dad nodded. “She’s got some new thing she’s trying.”
“I think I’ll go help her.” She needed something else to focus on.
“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.”
Mom’s back was to Liv. Her hands were kneading something in a large bowl—hamburger maybe. On the TV screen in front of her…it couldn’t be what it looked like.
Humming to the music, Mom added more salt, then took out the ball of meat and pressed it into a loaf pan. All while watching what looked like a bloody human brain.
Red flashed across Liv’s vision. She heard the ghost of a chirping noise and felt strange pricks across her scalp. A wave of dizziness crashed into her as she stumbled back and knocked into a chair.
