by Cindi Madsen
Spencer didn’t say anything.
Knowing how crazy she sounded, she dropped her gaze to her lap. “I thought maybe it was just a girl I knew—maybe babysat for or something like that—but my mom says I didn’t know any younger girls named Elizabeth. She thinks my brain came up with the images when I was in the coma. Like a way to keep going.”
“Well, she does know a lot about how the brain works.”
“I know. But the dreams…they feel so real.” Her emotions were high, and she was afraid she was about to burst into tears. She clenched her jaw, trying to keep them back.
“I’m not saying she’s right. I’m just thinking out loud here, trying to sort out the details.”
“I don’t know if it helps, but in the dreams, it’s like sometimes she drives me crazy, yet we’ve got each other’s backs, and I love her so much I’d do anything for her. Or would. If she was…” She swallowed and the ache traveled from her throat to her chest. “If she was real.”
“That sounds like a sister, all right. Pain in the butt half the time, winning you over with her rambling the next.” He shook his head, a half smile on his face, and she could tell he was thinking about Katie.
The way he describes it is exactly how it is when I think about her. How would I know that if there wasn’t something to it?
“The dreams,” Spencer said, lowering his eyebrows. “That’s why you’re so sure that your parents are lying to you?”
“They’re a big part of it. But it’s more than that. I know they acted calm when you talked to them about moving, but when I ask about things…Something bad happened; I know it did. I feel like the dreams are trying to tell me to look deeper, which I know sounds weird, but what if my wreck was a result of whatever really happened? Like maybe I fought with my parents right before I crashed and that’s why they don’t want to tell me. Maybe we had a fight over pink hair or…I don’t know…” She thought of her dreams with Jace. “Maybe I was hiding a boyfriend from them or something, and they found out.”
“A boyfriend.” It seemed like he was trying not to sound skeptical, but he didn’t quite pull it off. She wasn’t sure if it was her theory or her having a boyfriend that was so unbelievable.
She shrugged. “Or maybe I found out something they didn’t want me to know, or…” She shot up. “What if I did have a sister, and something happened to her, and that’s why I was driving so fast?” Her mind spun over the possibility.
Spencer arched his eyebrows but didn’t say anything.
“Or maybe I just have an overactive imagination.” She slumped back against the wall. “But a large chunk of my life is missing, and no matter how much I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, it does.”
“I never said it doesn’t matter. I want to help you, Liv. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
The we’ll made her heart squeeze. Like they were a team. Like she wasn’t completely alone. A spark of hope was even threatening to break through. She let out a long breath. “Okay.”
For a moment, only the sound of the music filled the room.
“I really like this group. They definitely go on the good list,” she said, wanting to change the subject.
“Yeah, they’re one of my favorites. Okay, since you like Green Day, I’ll give you back the cool points I took away when you dissed 311.”
She tucked her leg under her as she twisted toward him. “And why do you get to award the cool points? I think I should be in charge of those.”
“Hm.” He studied her, his lips moving to one side, then the other. She tried not to squirm under his scrutiny, but her face felt hot and her heart relocated to her throat. Grinning, he shook his head. “Sorry. Cool points are a big responsibility, and you’re just not ready.”
Liv rolled her eyes. “You think you’re so funny. Well, I have some news for you, Spencer Hale.” She raised an eyebrow and leaned closer.
He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through her hair. She shuddered as his fingertips grazed her cheek. She tilted her head up, waiting for his lips to meet hers.
“Must’ve gotten this when we were playing volleyball.” He pulled a dried leaf out of her hair and tossed it on the floor.
Liv froze in place, not sure what to do or say next. It was becoming painfully clear he was never going to make a move, and now she felt stupid and disappointed. For, like, the hundredth time. He was still staring at her, too, this unreadable expression on his face. “You okay?”
No. I thought you were going to kiss me. You just lost one hundred cool points.
“I’m fine. In fact, I’m going to be completely normal for the rest of the day, no more talk of drama or weird dreams. I’m just going to enjoy the here and now.”
“Completely normal?” His expression showed how unbelievable he thought that was.
Liv smacked him. “Hey. Have a little faith in me.”
He ran a finger along her jaw. “I have a lot of faith in you.”
She was afraid to even hope for more because she’d been disappointed too many times, and she didn’t think her heart could take it. But as she stared into his eyes, she noticed a hint of vulnerability.
Then her phone rang, loud and shrill in the quiet. Spencer sat back, and she hesitantly dug out her cell, cursing whoever was calling.
Mom. Liv stared at the display for a moment, still frustrated and angry over their conversation this morning.
“I think you’ve been spending too much time away from home,” Mom said the second she answered, not bothering with a greeting. “I want you home for dinner.”
She was tempted to say, There are a lot of things I want, too. Why do you always get to pick and choose?
But she remembered Mom threatening her with grounding her from Spencer, and she couldn’t lose the one thing holding her sanity together, even if he also drove her crazy. “I’ll be right there.” She hung up and looked at Spencer, wondering if they’d had a few more minutes, if something might’ve happened. “I’ve got to go home.”
24
Dishes clanged together, a loud slam echoed through the air. “I understand that you’re tired, but you don’t ever listen to me anymore.”
Uh-oh. Mom sounds upset.
“I only zoned out for a minute, darling,” Dad said. “I’m sorry, but if you’ll tell me again—”
Another loud slam. “Forget about it! I guess I’ll call one of my friends and tell her. Oh wait, I don’t have any here.”
Liv wasn’t sure whether to run into the kitchen and try to fix things, or run to her bedroom so she couldn’t hear her parents arguing.
“I’ve told you dozens of times that if you want to get a job at the hospital, then I think—”
“It’s too important to think, we have to know. They’ll want to talk to my co-workers, and they’ll want to know why I quit the Huntington’s trial. If anyone digs too deeply…We can’t risk that, Henry. Besides, Olivia is my top priority, and I’ll keep trying. Because unlike you, who gets to be the easygoing one and wins her love so easily, I have to work at it.”
Liv didn’t want to hear any more. She walked back to the front door, opened it wide, and then slammed it shut. Putting as much volume as she could behind her voice, she called out, “I’m home!”
The house fell silent and she made her way to the kitchen. Moments ago, she was so frustrated with Mom and Dad she didn’t think she could even talk to them, but right now, she only wanted to fix everything so she didn’t have this awful feeling churning in her stomach.
“I thought I’d come help with dinner.” She smiled at Mom. “What do you need me to do?”
“Dinner’s already made. Why don’t you ask your father how I made it? He’s very interested in that kind of thing.” Mom grabbed dishes out of the cupboard and stormed into the living room.
“She’s a little mad at me,” Dad said.
Liv raised an eyebrow. “You don’t say.”
Mom walked back into the room, yanked the silverware drawer open, and grabbed forks, kn
ives, and spoons. “Are you two going to just stand there, or are you going to come eat?”
Afraid to say anything, Liv headed into the dining room and took her usual place at the table. The entire meal was tense. The few times Dad attempted to talk over the blaring classical music, Mom glared at him.
When dinner ended, Dad stood and started clearing the table.
“Don’t bother. This is my job now.” Mom grabbed the plates from him and took them to the kitchen.
“Olivia and I always do the dishes,” he said as Mom came back into the room.
“Just go for your walk.”
“Come with us. Then I’ll take care of the dishes after we get back.” Dad stepped forward and put his hand on Mom’s waist.
She stepped out of his grasp. “Just go. Before I get really upset.”
If she’s not already really upset, I don’t even want to know what that looks like.
Mom disappeared into the kitchen, and the slamming cupboards and dishes banging together resumed.
“Let’s go for our walk,” Dad said.
“Are you sure we shouldn’t…?” Liv motioned to the kitchen, then lowered her voice to a whisper. “Stay and help?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to go in there right now.”
…
“So, what happened to make Mom so mad?” Liv asked as she and Dad walked down the block.
“She was telling me about what she’d learned in her cooking class, but I had a long day at work, and I zoned out in the middle of her story. She’s given up a lot, and I think she feels underappreciated.”
It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate Mom; she just hated how neither one of her parents could give a straight answer about the past. Part of her wanted to let it go and keep on pretending she was part of a happy, stable family. But she couldn’t. Not with everything inside her unraveling more and more, all her instincts screaming something wasn’t right.
She stopped walking and grabbed Dad’s elbow. “Mom said that I just love you, but that she has to work at it. That’s not true. I mean, I do love you. Both of you.”
“We love you,” Dad said.
That much, at least, she knew. Which made it hard to push forward. “Both of you get so upset when I ask questions. Like this morning, I wanted to know about my medications, and that upset her.” She waited a beat to see if he would say anything, but he remained quiet. “She also got upset when I asked her why I don’t have a brother or a sister…” She watched Dad’s face, wanting to see his reaction.
He flinched, like the words hurt him.
Liv stared, her heart beating faster and faster, the rush of her rapid pulse filling her ears. Say it. Tell me Elizabeth’s real. I know she is.
Dad pressed his lips together and sorrow flickered through his eyes. “She tried so hard to get pregnant. She suffered through tests and hormone treatments…She was depressed; her moods were up and down. We didn’t think we’d ever have a child.”
Liv wasn’t sure what was worse: the fact that she’d been wrong about Elizabeth or that she’d pushed Mom on a painful subject. “I didn’t know,” she said, but then she remembered Mom crying about the torn picture in the photo album. She should have known.
Dad gently patted her cheek. “I know you wouldn’t purposely hurt your mom.”
Inside, her emotions were raging. Let it go, or push while Dad was talking? “I don’t want to be kept in the dark,” she blurted out. “I want to know what happened in Minnesota.”
Dad glanced at the sidewalk, then back up at her. He swallowed, hard, and his voice came out shaky. “Your mother and I found you the night of the wreck. When you…hit the tree. The car was destroyed. You were…” He shook his head. “There was so much blood. It was awful. We did the best we could with our skills. I didn’t think…” He swallowed again. “You’re lucky to be alive.”
Dad took a step closer, his eyes locking on her. “All we wanted was for you to live. We wanted you to have a normal life, but with all the injuries…” He covered his mouth, looking like he was fighting tears, then hugged her tightly.
She patted his back. “It’s okay, Dad. I’m okay.” Now she wanted to cry. She wasn’t exactly okay, but she was alive. She imagined the roles reversed, coming across someone she loved who was injured and bleeding. No wonder they didn’t want to talk about it.
“If you’d like to go through all your medications, I’ll be happy to tell you about them. You have other questions, come to me. But please don’t press your mother about babies or her work. At least not right now, when she’s still adjusting and feels like she’s losing you and me.”
“Okay.”
“And you know your mother and I would do anything for you, right?”
“I know.” The second she said it, she knew it was true. It made her feel even guiltier for questioning them when they’d done so much for her. The joy on Mom’s face had been one of the first things she’d seen when she came out of her coma.
I wonder how long she took care of me, watching and waiting for me to wake up. All those months of constant care, having to teach their sixteen-year-old daughter basics all over again.
She and Dad turned around and headed home, taking the rest of the walk in silence. By the time they got back in, the dishes were done and the kitchen was empty. Liv headed upstairs to do homework. But when she sat back on her bed, she caught sight of the pink pony on her nightstand, and then all she could think about was Spencer.
…
Oh no, Liv thought. Not this girl.
Liv’s blond version walked down the hall with Courtney.
Courtney looked at her, eyebrows raised. “Remember how Beth was staring at us during the assembly?”
“The assembly where we had to watch that stupid film on how Goth kids have feelings, too?” Liv asked.
“I think the point was diversity, but yeah. So anyway, during last class she wrote Jace a note saying he shouldn’t be with you, he should be with her.”
“Like he’d go out with her. She’s plain. And chubby.”
“I was thinking we get her back.” A wicked smile spread across Courtney’s face. “Someone needs to show her not to mess with us.”
“It’s not a big deal. She can dream.”
Courtney nudged her. “Don’t be lame. Just go with me on this.”
The two of them walked down the hall toward Beth.
“Beth, hi,” Courtney said.
The girl turned to them and her eyes widened. “Um, hi.”
Courtney elbowed Liv.
She hesitated, glanced at Courtney, then turned on Beth again. “I hear you think you’d be a better girlfriend than me.”
Courtney took a huge wad of pink gum out of her mouth and put her arm around Beth. “What’s that all about?”
Beth looked from Courtney to her, panic clear on her face. “He and I used to be friends. I didn’t mean… I just…”
Liv stepped closer. “You just what?”
Determination replaced the panic as Beth stood taller. “I thought he should be with someone smarter, someone who doesn’t only care about looks and popularity. Someone who’s not a follower.”
“It’s so cute how you think you and Jace are still friends. Turns out looks do matter to guys. So you can write all the notes you want, he’ll still be kissing me at the end of the day. He’s always going to choose me.”
When Beth turned to go, Liv saw the pink wad of gum in Beth’s hair.
Courtney grinned. “Nice. I knew you were in there somewhere.” She shook her head. “Trying to act like getting revenge isn’t fun.”
The gum in Beth’s hair, the look on her face—it made her feel horrible. She wanted to go tell Beth that she was sorry and help her get the gum out. But she couldn’t do it. Not with Courtney standing right beside her. Beth didn’t understand, though. Without Courtney and Jace, she had nothing. So she’d do anything to keep them happy.
That’s when it hit her: Beth was right. She was a follower.
&nb
sp; …
Liv snaked her arm out of the covers and felt around for her alarm clock. She hit the off button and lay there for a minute. She wanted to cry for the girl she’d been mean to.
I’m not a follower. I’m not a mean person.
It’s okay. That wasn’t me.
But the memory and the guilt felt real.
25
Liv walked up to the two Goth girls. “Hi.”
They stared at her.
“I know I don’t really know you, but I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and say hi to new people.”
One eyebrow cocked higher than the other, the short-haired girl crossed her arms. “Are we supposed to feel lucky?”
Liv shrugged. “I just wanted you to know that I think it’s cool you guys have your own style and stick to it, no matter what people say. So anyway, there’s that, and I guess I’ll see you around.”
Okay, it wasn’t enough to make up for throwing gum in someone’s hair, but it was a start. Today her goal was to be kind to everyone. Even Sabrina.
Wanting to make sure she started off on a good note, she headed for Spencer’s locker to get her daily dose of his cute face.
Then she saw him. Talking to some girl. It wasn’t Sabrina. It wasn’t a girl she’d seen before. The girl was short and wore her hair in a choppy blond bob.
Liv’s heart dropped. I thought he didn’t talk to anyone but me.
Blondie leaned in close, grinning up at Spencer. In order to keep her being-nice-to-everyone goal, she decided to head the opposite direction. It’s not like Spencer couldn’t have other friends; she just thought he didn’t.
She reached her locker and tossed her backpack in. When she turned around, Clay was right behind her.
“So what did your parents say about tomorrow night?” he asked. “I’ve already seen the only movie playing and it was lame. There’s not much else to do here, so I’m thinking we’ll head to the party.”
Going out with Clay had completely slipped her mind. “About that…my mom was in a wretched mood last night, so I didn’t get a chance to ask.”
“Oh.” His blue eyes met hers, and she noticed again how good-looking he was. The only thing stopping her from agreeing to go out with him was her feelings for Spencer.
