I agree totally about co-ordinate geometry, and basically everything else in Maths altogether. I think you should just copy the answers straight out from the back of the book and then spend your Maths lessons writing to me. Okay?
I’m very sorry about the green goobey landing on your Maths book. Nothing as disgusting as that has ever happened to me.
I talked to Maddie on the phone last night and she’s kind of depressed cos Uncle Rosco and Auntie Belinda are going away for the weekend and leaving her alone and she hasn’t got a boyfriend at the moment so it’s wasted. And I can’t go over there cos I’ve gotta help at my mum’s shop this weekend (she’s a florist). This is the longest Maddie’s been without a boyfriend (six weeks) since Year 7, which at least keeps her out of trouble but gets kind of boring hearing her going on about it. And I’m not allowed to talk about Derek cos it just makes her more depressed and she says it’s insensitive.
Has your friend Celia turned up yet? Has she called you yet? Is your throat better? It’s bad that you were depressed. I’m going to tape an M&M down the bottom of this letter to try and cheer you up. I hope it works.
Gotta go cos I’m actually supposed to be doing a history exam right now.
How was the dinner with your dad? I thought of what you should do if he pulls that shit on you with the wine again. Tell him it smells exactly like cow manure and take a swig straight from the bottle.
Love,
Christina
M&M ----
Dear Elizabeth,
Did you get my letter? I wrote it a week ago but it might’ve got lost. I hope I didn’t offend you in my last letter. Do you hate M&Ms or something? Maybe you have that porridge thing about them too?
It’s been an okay week, but Maddie’s still depressed, which is getting kind of boring. Not that I mean I think you’re boring when you’re depressed. I think you’ve got a reason to be, I mean with your best friend vanished and everything. But Maddie’s not exactly a nun. She’s had 326 boyfriends since she was eleven.
You still haven’t told me if you’ve got a boyfriend or not. Have you? And if you haven’t now, who was your last boyfriend?
Write back SOON cos I’m worried that you’re mad at me.
Love,
Christina
Dear Ms Garry,
Excuse me, but what’s going on here?
Maybe we weren’t clear enough about our problems with you.
We hoped that we wouldn’t have to get into this. We hoped that talking about your bedroom, and your banana-flavoured lip gloss, and your Teletubbies doona would do the trick. Along with pointing out that you have never been drunk or tried drugs. (I guess there’s no peer group pressure if you haven’t got a peer group, is there?)
But you’ve had plenty of time to climb into the refrigerator and YOU’RE STILL NOT THERE. You’re out there in the world! You’re sitting on bus seats and walking around shopping centres and EVERYBODY CAN SEE YOU!
You’re writing letters to that Christina person PRETENDING THAT YOU’RE A REAL TEENAGER. She’ll work it out soon, Elizabeth. She’s not stupid.
You leave us with no other choice, Ms Clarry. We are going to have to cut to the chase.
Ms Clarry, you have never had a boyfriend.
Now, perhaps you will understand. Now, perhaps you will think of other respectable teenagers, and what you are doing to the teenage image, and you will hop right into the lettuce cooler and stay there.
Yours sincerely,
The Association of Teenagers
!!! ELIZABETH !!!
OVER HERE!! ON THE FRIDGE!!
KEEP VERY WARM AT SCHOOL TODAY. I DON’T THINK YOU WERE DRESSED WARMLY ENOUGH YESTERDAY. WEAR A SPENCER AND A SKIVVY UNDER YOUR UNIFORM. ALSO, GRANDMA’S OLD PURPLE SHAWL IS ON THE COUCH. TAKE IT AND PUT IT OVER YOUR LEGS.
THERE IS A SACK OF ORANGES IN THE FRIDGE. TAKE THEM ALL TO SCHOOL WITH YOU AND EAT THEM.
LOVE
YOUR
MUM
Dear Mum,
I won’t be able to move my arms if I wear a spencer and a skivvy under my uniform. Grandma’s purple shawl has bindies all over it from when we used it as a picnic blanket last summer. I’ll take one orange. Thanks.
Celia’s mum called after you’d gone, while I was in the shower. I called her back. She wanted to know if I’d heard from Celia yet. When I said no she breathed a lot for a while, in and out. See you later,
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
We hear you’ve misplaced your best friend.
Just out of interest, you might want to locate her pretty soon if you want to retain your membership in this club.
The Manager,
Best Friends Club
Dear Christina,
I’m really sorry about not writing back for so long. I wasn’t offended at all by your letter, and I love M&Ms. I loved the M&M you sent me so much that I kept it and now it’s glued to a pop stick and standing on my dressing table.
I’ve been away from school cause I had a really bad flu. I was throwing up and feverish and everything. And my body was aching like I’d spent a week doing sit-ups. I only got your two letters yesterday.
I don’t think my mother is very much like your Auntie Belinda. I don’t think she’s had any bits zapped off her, and her eyebrows don’t look like crayon. But she writes with purple and green pens, and she waves her hands around when she’s thinking, so she’s always got purple and green scribbles on her face. She hasn’t got long nails that drag along the floor behind her either. She keeps her nails really short because she’s frightened of scratching her eyes out when she’s putting in her contact lenses.
And she doesn’t carry a cat around, because we haven’t got a cat. We’ve got a dog. But he’s a hyperactive collie and my mother’s a small woman.
Actually, I think maybe my dad should have married someone like your Auntie Belinda instead of my mum. I don’t really know why they got together in the first place. Dad took me to dinner last night (I had to cancel last week-end’s dinner because of my flu), so I found out what the exciting news is This is what happened . . .
Well, first of all I was still getting over my flu so I had a kind of hazy feeling. Like I was walking around inside a big bubble.
My mum said I had to wear three t-shirts and a jumper and a scarf. So we’re at this slick restaurant in Double Bay where all the women are basically dressed in their silk underwear, and I’m sitting there like the Abominable Snowman.
And Dad’s all excited and mysterious, going: ‘Bet you can’t wait to hear my news, huh?’
So I’m being polite and saying, ‘No, Dad, I really can’t wait.’
And he’s doing his wine thing, you know: ‘Have a try of this, Liz, it’s a really elegant little number, what do you think of the nose, hmm?’
So I try your advice. I say, ‘It smells like cow manure.’
And you know what happens? He gets wild with happiness, and practically shouts, ‘You’re RIGHT!’ And then he’s doing this little dance in his seat, going: ‘Cow manure! Of course! That delicious farmyard quality, hmm? The whole stables and horses and old leather thing, hmm? That wonderful boiled cabbage and compost heap flavour, hmm?’
And then he calls out for ANOTHER BOTTLE, so we can share THAT ONE TOO, and he fills my glass to the brim and says, ’Drink up!’
And he’s sitting there with this huge stupid grin on his face like we’ve had some kind of magical father-daughter breakthrough.
And I’m sitting there thinking he wants me to drink cow shit, boiled cabbage and compost heap?
It made me feel quite sick actually, so I couldn’t do your next bit of advice and take a swig from the bottle.
But then he tells me the news.
It’s this. He is going to live in Sydney for the next year.
If you’re thinking ’big deal’ you’re exactly right.
Big deal.
He works for this airline and he usually comes back from Canada for a few weeks every ye
ar. But this time he’s going to be stationed here for a year.
So what?
And he’s not even bringing his family over, which might have made it interesting. Do you realise I have a stepmother and a stepbrother who I’ve never met? But they’re going to stay in Canada for a year without him, which seems like a long time don’t you reckon?
And my mum’s going to be really happy when she hears about this.
Anyway, I should go, I wrote too much again sorry.
Celia’s still not back, thanks for asking. I can’t really concentrate on anything, because I’m worrying about her all the time.
I hope your cousin Maddie has a new boyfriend by now. I hope you don’t have the flu that everyone in the world has.
Write soon.
Love,
Elizabeth
ELIZABETH!!!
I’M AT THE COUNCIL MEETING BECAUSE I WANT TO PROTEST AGAINST THEIR NEW BY-LAW. DO YOU REALISE THEY HAVE PROHIBITED ROLLERBLADING IN THE SHOPPING CENTRE? WHAT IF I WANTED TO ROLLERBLADE TO THE SUPERMARKET? IT’S DISGRACEFUL.
CELIA’S MUM CALLED ME AT WORK TODAY. SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHERE I DID MY YOGA. I TOLD HER I HAVEN’T DONE YOGA FOR SEVEN YEARS.
I’M A BIT WORRIED ABOUT HER
SEE YOU LATER,
MUM
Mum,
I hope the council meeting went well. Do you actually know what rollerblading is?
The principal called me into his office to see him today, asking if I know where Celia is. He said that he has called her mother ‘but has not been entirely satisfied with the response’. I told him he should breathe in and out more, and he looked absolutely terrified.
I just called Celia’s mum myself and she said everyone’s taking this way too seriously and she was only interested in yoga because of a slight twinge in her left knee.
There’s leftover frozen pizza if you’re still hungry. I’m going to bed now.
See you tomorrow.
Elizabeth
ELIZABETH!!!
THERE’S PORRIDGE ON THE STOVE FOR YOU. THERE ARE SIX MILLION WHITE SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET IF YOU NEED THEM.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
I’M GOING TO TRY AND TALK CELIA’S MUM INTO CALLING THE POLICE TODAY.
YOUR MUM
Letter from a Complete Stranger
Dear Elizabeth,
I am not Christina. I’m Derek, her boyfriend. She says you know all about me and she says you know about my whistling talent. If you know any agents who are interested in whistling, give us a call.
She asked me to write to you and say that she’s got the flu but she hasn’t forgotten you and she’ll write soon.
Also she asked me to ask if your friend Celia showed up or not. Has she?
Plus she asked me to send you an M&M but I haven’t got any. Sorry. So I’m sending you this blade of grass instead.
BLADE OF GRASS: --
Yours faithfully,
Derek Carmichael
Mum,
I just ran around to Celia’s. Her mum is acting very strange, but she still says she won’t call the police. She is spending most of her time banging on Ben’s drums in the garden. She says it’s releasing the energy that is causing the twinge in her knee.
I’m worried about Celia.
Elizabeth
ELIZABETH,
I AM THINKING ABOUT CALLING THE POLICE MYSELF. EITHER THAT OR FAMILY SERVICES. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN?
LOVE,
YOUR MUM
PS YOUR FATHER PHONED ME AT WORK YESTERDAY AND SAID HE’S STAYING IN SYDNEY FOR THE NEXT YEAR YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.
Dear Christina,
I know you won’t get this right away, if you’re not back at school, but maybe Derek will see it and take it to you? I’m really sorry you have the flu. I hope I didn’t give it to you, through my letter-writing somehow.
I know we haven’t even met each other but I kind of miss you. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m the only one who cares about Celia, but I don’t know what I should do about it. Where is she? What if she’s sick or lost or dead or something? What if somebody’s taken her?
I really don’t know what I’d do without her. I don’t feel like doing anything right now.
I’m sorry to go on like this. I don’t know who else to talk to.
Hope you feel better.
Love
Elizabeth
PART
two
‘Byron Bay at dusk – a tropical dream!’ Photograph by Daniel L. Lewisham. Postcard produced by Geelong Graphics.
Lizzy!!!!!
Hi! Wish you were here! I’ve joined a circus !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m just sewing up the holes in the tent at the moment, but they say they’ll teach me how to be an acrobat soon. You have to come and see the show some time !!!!!!!!
Miss ya heaps.
Love,
Celia
PS If you see my mother, can you tell her where I am?
Mum,
LOOK AT THE POSTCARD ON THE FRIDGE DOOR UNDERNEATH THE PIG MAGNET.
She’s joined the circus.
I phoned Celia’s mum as soon as I got it.
She said: ‘Well, of course! The circus! What were we thinking?’
Like Celia had been down at the corner store the whole time and no-one had thought of looking there.
I’m taking Lochie to the park for a run.
See ya
Love,
Elizabeth
ELIZABETH!!!
OF COURSE, THE CIRCUS!I
GUESS IT JUST SUPPED OUR MINDS. CRAZY, HUH?
I’M GLAD CELIA’S OKAY, LIZ. BUT RUNNING AWAY TO JOIN THECIRCUS? DOES SHE THINK SHE’S IN AN ENID BLYTON BOOK? MAYBE I SHOULD PHONE FAMILY SERVICES ANYWAY.
YOUR DAD PHONED ME AGAIN. HE SAYS HE’S GOT A PLACE IN DOUBLE BAY FOR THE NEXT YEAR, BUT HE’S NOT BRINGINGVERONICA OR HER SON. WHY ISN’T HE BRINGING THEM?
DOESN’T VERONICA WORK FOR THE SAME AIRLINE?
ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON FINDING YOUR FRIEND.
LOTS OF LOVE
YOUR MUM.
Dear Christina,
Guess what? I got a postcard from Celia. She’s ALIVE.
Sony. I hope you’re alive too. Thank you very very much for getting Derek to write to me. That was such a nice thing to do, especially when you were sick. I hope you’re better now, I mean I hope you haven’t dropped dead from the flu. It was the worst flu that I ever had. I hope it wasn’t the worst flu you ever had.
I don’t mean that I hope you’re always getting really bad flus, I just mean I hope you didn’t get it so bad.
Can you tell Derek thanks too? And I’m sending a twig for him from our apple tree. I took about three hours to choose the best one so I hope he appreciates it. And I’m sending a Smartie plus an M&M for you. You have to get someone to blindfold you and then you have to taste them and choose which one is best. Tell me which one you choose in your next letter. Then I’ll tell you if you gave the correct answer.
Anyway, I got the postcard from Celia and I just burst into tears as soon as I saw it. I thought I was going to go crazy. It’s been like Celia was just dead in an alley somewhere and no-one gave a flying banana, except you. Sorry about saying ‘flying banana’ just then. It was an accident. My mother says it, and it’s a really stupid thing to say.
Except for the ‘flying’ part of it. There’s nothing wrong with that. FLYING. It’s a really nice word. I always wanted to be able to fly. I know everyone wants that, but I think I wanted it especially. I mean, like, more than other people. (My mum says she wants to win the lottery more than most other people too, so she’s shocked whenever it doesn’t happen, even when she hasn’t bought a lottery ticket.)
I don’t mean flying aeroplanes or helicopters or kites or whatever. I mean actually flying, you know just taking a step up into the sky.
Did you ever read this book about Ah-Mee and Tubby the Elephant? They make paper lanterns together. Then one day, Tubby the Elephant decides he wants to make
a birthday present for Ah-Mee. So he gets a HUGE pile of paper, and an ENORMOUS pot of glue. And some kind of sticks I guess. I don’t remember. Anyway, he builds the sticks into a frame, then he covers it with paper, and he glues it all up. And he has to get some GINORMOUS pile of wax I guess, however you make candles, you know? And he builds an enormous, beautiful candle. Then he puts it inside the giant paper lantern.
Then Ah-Mee turns up and Tubby says, ‘Happy Birthday!’ and lights the candle. But it’s such a big lantern that it starts to float upward, so Tubby holds onto it, and so does Ah-Mee and they go flying into the sky. Then they just fly around for a while. It’s cool.
Ever since I read that book I’ve wanted a giant paper lantern for my birthday.
Christina, I just want you to know that it’s my birthday on March the 17th, which is St Patrick’s day, so it’s easy to remember. Just watch out for people wearing green. It’s ages away so there’s plenty of time for you to start collecting paper and candle wax if for any reason you wanted to collect paper and candle wax.
I keep forgetting what I was talking about.
Oh yeah, Celia.
The postcard was from Byron Bay and YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHERE SHE’S BEEN ALL THIS TIME.
You want to try and guess? I’ll give you some space to try and guess.
You can write your guesses down in that space if you want.
Maybe I should wait till the next letter and then tell you? Maybe I could make it like some TV series and show scenes from next week’s letter?
Feeling sorry for Celia Page 3
